NOTES: In response to the Lupercalia Challenge on the Remus/Sirius list. Because, darn it all, Lupercalia is one of the most underappreciated holidays around. Hallmark doesn't even make a card for it!
* * *
When Sirius flung himself across the room and onto the bed that Febrary 11th, he got quite a reaction out of the person who was already there.
"Sirius!"
"Shhh! You'll give me away!"
Remus began gathering the parchments that he had sent flying when Sirius jumped into the bed with him. "You're in my bed, Sirius."
"I'm hiding."
"From whom?" Remus demanded, holding his book protectively to his chest and inching away from Sirius.
"James." Sirius peeped through the folds of the bed curtain to make sure the boy in question hadn't come into the room.
"Whatever for?"
Sirius rolled over and stared at Remus. "'Whatever for'? Have you talked to James lately, Remus?"
Remus's golden eyes slid away. "Ah. No. I've been a bit...no, I haven't."
Failing to notice his friend's discomfiture, Sirius flopped on his back and sighed gustily. "It's terrible. Every time he opens his mouth, it's Lily this, and first Valentine's Day together that, and, 'Sirius, what am I going to do?' He's insufferable."
"So you're hiding from him."
"You're damned right I am."
"In my bed?"
"He'll never think to look for me here, will he?"
Remus's face shuttered. "No, I don't suppose he will." He crawled around Sirius and stuck his hand through the gap in the curtains.
Sirius grabbed his wrist. "Are you insane? James will see you. He'll talk to you!"
Remus glared at Sirius until the other boy dropped his hand. "I'm not afraid of James," he said coldly. Then he shuddered. "I'm not afraid of Valentine's Day."
Sirius's eyes narrowed as Remus slid off the bed. Remus had been acting strangely for the past two days, and Sirius couldn't for the life of him figure out why. They had nearly three weeks until the full moon, and the homework this term was relatively easy - there was no reason for Remus to be so agitated. Vowing to get to the bottom of it - later - Sirius curled up on Remus's bed, prepared to hide from James until Valentine's Day was over.
His heart froze as he heard the door open and Remus's silken voice say, "Hello, James. Sirius is in my bed, if you're looking for him."
* * *
Despite what he had said to Sirius, Remus was all too aware of James's distracted state. James floated from place to place, his body carrying him where he needed to be, but his mind miles away - or at least as far away as Lily. Remus poked him in the ribs three times during History of Magic, but in the end it wasn't enough.
"Mr Potter!" Professor Binns said as he floated up to their table. "Is my lesson boring you?"
The class sat stunned. Of course the lesson was boring him; all of Professor Binns' lessons bored them. But he had never before called any of them on it, had never interrupted the many hours of pleasant slumber they had enjoyed in his class.
James jerked upright, eyes snapping into focus. "No, Professor. Of course not."
"Well then, could you please answer the question?"
The four Marauders swallowed. None of them had been paying much attention to lesson, and they had no idea what the question was, let alone what the answer would be.
James began flipping his quill over the back of his hand. "Well, Professor, I, um, well, obviously, in this particular case, I - that is, the-"
"Enough." Binns waved his hand, ending James's blithering. "Since it is clear, Mr Potter, that your mind has moved on to a more pleasant subject, perhaps you would like to devote more of your time to that subject. A two-scroll essay, if you would, please, on the origins and history of Saint Valentine's Day as they relate to the wizarding world." James and Lily blushed; the Hufflepuff girls giggled; Sirius smacked his forehead.
As class ended, James grabbed Lily's arm and whisked her off before anyone had a chance to tease him about his punishment. Sirius turned to Remus to complain about this twist in James's woes, but Remus was heading down the hall towards the Potions dungeons. Sirius caught up with him easily. "Where are you going?"
"I, um." Remus looked away. "I need to talk to Severus before lunch."
"Severus?" Sirius's eyes bugged. "Severus Snape?"
The corner of Remus's mouth quirked up. "Unless you know another Severus who'd be coming out of Potions now."
"But...but why? Why on Earth would you need to talk to him?"
Remus sighed. "I just do, all right, Sirius?"
The pale Slytherin boy appeared behind Remus and touched his shoulder, though his eyes never left Sirius's face. "Lupin?"
Remus nodded. "I'll be along momentarily, Severus." He turned his luminous gaze on Sirius. "Please, Sirius?"
Sirius's eyes flicked between Remus and Snape, but he finally sighed, unclenched his fists, and turned away. "Fine." He stalked up the hall, half hoping Remus would call him back, but he didn't, and Sirius walked back to Gryffindor tower under a black cloud.
* * *
Sirius spent the rest of the day seething quietly. Snape! What was Moony doing running around with Snape? This had to stop - at once. Somewhere in the darker recesses of Sirius's brain, a plan began to coalesce.
Feeling better now that he had scheming to focus on, Sirius wandered in the direction of dinner. He even whistled a little.
The notes died on his lips as he rounded a corner and spotted Remus and Snape talking earnestly in the middle of the hall. His fists clenched so tightly he could feel blood welling under his fingernails, Sirius stormed up the hall towards them, his robes billowing around him and his blue eyes narrowed to dangerous slits.
"Sirius!" A hand shot out of nowhere and yanked him into an alcove, and although he struggled mightily, he couldn't win free.
"James? Let go of me!"
"You have to read this." James thrust a book beneath Sirius's nose.
He shoved it away. "Not now, James. Don't you see Moony talking to Snape?" He tried to pull away, but James's grip was tight around his wrist. Sirius looked at his friend in some surprise.
"No, Sirius, you need to read this. Now."
Sirius glanced up the hall, to where Remus and Snape were still in conference, then he glared at James and took the book. "'Among the origins of Saint Valentine's Day' - oh, for Merlin's sake, James, your essay?"
"Keep reading," James commanded.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "'Among the origins of Saint Valentine's Day, most historians count the ancient Roman holiday of Lupercalia, which took place on February 15. According to Roman belief, Lupercalia was the day on which wolves-'" Sirius slammed the book shut. "Oh, no."
James nodded. "I think that's why Moony's been so strange this week. I think he's going to do it this year."
Sirius felt as though his knees couldn't possibly be strong enough to support him. Thrusting the book into James's hands, he charged out of the alcove.
"Sirius, where are you going?" James demanded.
"I don't care who he chooses," Sirius snarled, "But I'll be damned if it'll be Severus Snape." Forcing a bounce into his step that he was far from feeling, Sirius came up behind the conclave in the hall. "Remus!" he called.
At the sound of his name, Remus turned. "Wha - oh. Sirius." He blushed, looking bewildered. "Hello."
"I've been looking all over for you."
Remus shrugged minutely. "I've been right here."
"Hmmm." Sirius feigned deep thought. "Must've been hidden by the shadow of a great oily carrion crow." He smiled at Snape. "Hello, Severus."
"Sod off, Black!" Snape sprang at him, but Sirius sidestepped.
"Careful, now, Snape," he said. "Wouldn't want you getting that enormous nose out of joint." And against loud protests, Sirius swept Remus away.
The rest of that day, and most of the next, followed the same basic pattern. Sirius would wait until Remus and Severus were conspiring in a corner, and then he'd spring, insult Snape as scathingly - and loudly - as possible, and whisk Remus away. Sirius couldn't stop grinning, he was so proud of himself.
And yet, it didn't seem to be working. If anything, the frequency of Remus's conferences with Snape had increased, and the dark looks Snape was shooting Sirius every five minutes or so had taken on a territorial cast.
So it was true. Remus Lupin would choose a mate this Lupercalia, and he would choose, for reasons passing mortal understanding, Severus Snape.
Sirius passed the grimmest Valentine's Day ever without speaking a word to anyone.
He was in bed when Valentine's Day ended, but he was desperately, relentlessly awake, and he felt keenly the instant Lupercalia began. It promised to be the worst day of his life. In a mere five hours, Remus would rise and begin preparing for the most important day in his life as a werewolf, and by the end of the day, he would belong to Severus Snape.
The dark-haired boy balled his hands and slammed them against the mattress. Why? That was the question that would not leave Sirius be, the question that was keeping him up as lonely company to the moon and stars. Why in the name of all things good and decent was Remus choosing Snape when he could have-
Every gear in Sirius's head shut down.
He stared, unblinking, at the ceiling of his bed, picking gingerly through the sudden rubble of his thoughts. Oh, gods, now he figured it out, a few heartbeats, a few lifetimes, too late. He wanted Remus. He was (Damn it!) in love with Remus, and Remus was going to choose someone else. For life.
He might have had a chance, too. Much though he did not want to think about that, Sirius forced himself to face it. Moony might have had a few days of indecision, a period when he was trying to decide to whom he would tie himself for the rest of his days. And Sirius, like the great ass that he was, had spent that time not convincing Remus why he was the better choice, but ridiculing and belittling Snape. After such childish behavior, he wasn't surprised Moony hadn't given him another thought.
The stress of his tossing and turning must have finally forced Sirius into sleep, because the next time he looked around, the birds were starting to twitter outside his window, and the unnatural across the room told him that Remus was gone. Sirius had missed his last chance. If only he'd managed to stay awake, he could have raced across the room the instant Moony was up, thrown himself at his friend's feet, and begged for forgiveness, begged for love, begged until his knees gave out - anything, so long as Remus would choose him over Snape.
But maybe - who had the map? He could still find Moony, make one last ditch effort-
But could he change anything? Sirius knew how Remus's mind worked. His decisions were not made lightly - and they were seldom, if ever, unmade. How could Sirius make up for the time he had wasted yesterday, or any of the hundred yesterdays before that? He had had three and a half years to prove himself to Moony; today was just a wee bit too late to start trying. Lupercalia had arrived, and Remus had made his choice.
Sirius rolled over so his back was to Moony's bed, curled himself into a tight ball, and squeezed his eyes shut around tears that spilled out anyway.
* * *
"Are you getting up today or not, you lazy sod?" James swished the curtains of Sirius's bed, but the other boy remained motionless. Eventually, James said, "If he wants to sink his own marks in Arithmancy, that's his choice. Let's go, Peter." The door swung shut behind them.
Sirius's eyes were black-ringed and unfocused from lack of sleep. They itched. His brain felt like it was caught on something, and his sheets were so worn from where he'd clenched and unclenched them all night that he could've put his finger through with very little effort.
He stayed in bed until he only had time to throw on his robes and run full-tilt to Arithmancy. That felt good. There was little room for thought while you were running at top speed, and even less for heartbreak. He slid into the empty seat beside Peter just ahead of the bell and kept his gaze fastened to his notebook all period.
Oh, but he couldn't keep himself from noticing Remus. Even two seats away, every time Remus moved, Sirius went to dust. The early morning sunlight filtering through a curtain of gold-brown hair; the curve of lips as they chewed reflectively on the end of a quill - Sirius shook his head angrily and stared harder at his notebook, willing it to distract him. But Remus was jumpy today, restless, and Sirius's own body was achingly attuned to that hum.
The instant the bell rang, Remus was out the door, far too jumpy to still a second longer than he had to. Sirius raced after him. He couldn't just let Moony go without at least making one attempt. "Remus-"
Remus turned, smiling nervously. "Yes, Sirius?"
"Lupin!"
Remus whirled at the sound of Snape's voice. "There you are, Severus." He turned back to Sirius. "Can this wait at all?"
Sirius weighed his options. He could say no and have to have this rather humiliating discussion with Remus in front of Snape. He could say no and demand that he and Remus go somewhere private, and then feel rushed by the knowledge that Snape was waiting none too patiently outside the door. Or he could say yes and hope to find Remus later. He shrugged. "Sure."
"Thank you." Remus smiled and turned back to Snape, golden eyes gleaming. "I'm ready, then."
His other option, Sirius supposed, was to say yes and admit defeat.
"Black."
Sirius's head snapped up, and anger sparked briefly in his eyes before dousing itself in resignation. "Snape." He turned away.
But there was still this that he needed to know. Did Severus understand the gift he was being given? Did he appreciate Remus the way Sirius would have? And did Snape comprehend that, mate or no, if he hurt Remus - even a little - Sirius would consider it his sworn duty to bring a large ass-load of justice down on him?
Sirius turned back slowly. Blue eyes locked on black, and both boys took a step backwards in shocked recognition. They both believed they were doing what was best for Remus.
Time alone, Sirius reflected, would tell if either of them was right.
Immediately after classes, he removed himself to the library and buried his nose in books he didn't pay the slightest attention to. At last the sun set, an air of despondency settled over the castle, and Sirius decided the time had come to face Remus again.
"Sirius!" James clamored joyfully as he and Peter, coming down the stairs, met the other boy coming up. "We were beginning to worry you wouldn't show."
"You two going somewhere?" Were Remus and Snape still up there? Were they, even now - no. Best not to think of that at all.
"Just...out," James replied vaguely.
"Let me come with you!"
His friends eyed him suspiciously. "Uh, no," James replied. "You're wanted, you know, up there, wouldn't you say?"
Sirius shuddered. "I don't think so, James."
A look Sirius couldn't read passed between Peter and James, and James shrugged. "All right, then, come along. But you'll need your heavier cloak; it's cold where we're going."
He started to protest, but before he knew what had happened, James and Peter had gone around him down the stairs and were blocking any chance of escaping the way he had come. He closed his eyes briefly, clenched his jaw, and set off up the stairs again.
When he opened the door to their room, Sirius almost walked right back out again. James be damned; he could not be in this room. Red candles had been lit all over the damned place, and a scent of rosemary and hope and pure animal need hung heavy on the air. Sirius put his hand over his mouth, grabbed the first cloak he saw (probably Remus's, and who gave a damn; he wouldn't need it tonight), and spun around to flee.
"Sirius."
He froze, his hand clenching the doorknob. He didn't move, hardly dared breathe. There was a rustle behind him, and he knew Remus was standing in front of the window, backlit by a thin sliver of moonlight, glowing, beautiful, watching.
"Sirius, where are you going?"
And that voice...that voice was so low and husky it grabbed Sirius's spine, right at the small of his back, and shook him around a little. He released the doorknob but did not turn around. "James and Peter were-"
"James and Peter," the voice interrupted, coming closer, "were kind enough to leave me the room. They won't be back until morning."
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. "I should go, Moony. I have a - Peter and James are-"
"Padfoot, please. I need to talk to you."
And because he always melted when Remus called him Padfoot, he gave in, and turned, and then jumped. Remus was practically on top of him. Looking around, Sirius was shocked to find that there was no one else in the room. He looked down at Remus and had to look away when he saw something in those golden eyes that he wanted to believe was lust but knew couldn't possibly be.
"Come on," Remus urged, grabbing his hands and dragging him across the room. "Over here."
Any time Remus was in the room and not asleep, he could be found curled up in the window seat, and this was where he led Sirius. They sat cross-legged on the seat, facing each other, Remus leaning towards Sirius, Sirius leaning away from his fears. Remus seemed to consider and reject a number of starts to conversations before catching Sirius's eyes in an unbreakable stare. "This is very hard for me to just come out and say, so please be patient with me. You know what today is, I imagine?"
"Lupercalia," Sirius said hollowly.
Remus nodded. "Exactly. Of course, I was very young when I was bitten, but this is the first year that I've felt - well, I know plenty of people - other werewolves, even - who would say I'm far too young, but it's time. This is the year I choose a mate."
Sirius blinked back tears. "That's - if that will make you happy, Moony..."
"I think it would make me very happy indeed." He smiled. "Of course, first I have to get him to say yes." His grip on Sirius's hands tightened. "So. Um." Remus cleared his throat. He was so, so pale. "That is. I, ahem." He shook his head and took a deep breath. "Sirius, it's you."
Sirius's eyes widened, and his heart leapt, but it teetered, prepared to plummet again in an instant. "I - me?"
Remus looked like he'd just taken a bite of something unpleasant, but he smiled shakily. "Yes, you, Sirius. Vibrant, devilish, charming, exasperating, sexy, beautiful you. How could it not be?"
"Wh-" Sirius swallowed that. Hard. Even he was not dumb enough to mention Snape right now. But he had to say something, do something, because his head was spinning, and he felt as though his heart were going to burst, and Remus was staring at him, waiting. There wasn't a word in his brain. There was barely any brain in his brain.
He leaned forward and kissed Remus softly.
When Sirius pulled away, Remus closed his eyes and touched his tongue to his lips. Sirius nearly fainted. "Well?" he asked.
Remus opened his eyes, and Sirius was stunned to see them tinged with fear. "I - was that an acceptance kiss, or were you trying to turn me down gently?"
"Tur - wh - Moony!"
"You need to be certain of this, Sirius. Absolutely certain. I need to be sure you understand how important this is. This is it for me. Forever."
And forever was such a long time, and they were both so young, and Sirius wasn't sure he could ever really comprehend what this meant to Moony. But a forever without Remus - he couldn't bear to think of what that would be like. And so he answered Remus's question - and his fears - the best way he knew how.
He leaned forward and kissed Remus again. Not so softly.
Remus closed his eyes again and leaned into the kiss. All the thoughts emptied out of the bottom of Sirius's head; his lips parted, and he drank in the sweetness of Remus.
After who knew how long, Remus wrenched himself away. Sirius leaned further, chasing the kiss. "Bed," Remus rasped, and a feral grin split Sirius's face.
They tumbled onto Remus's bed, a heap of arms and legs and want. With a surprising lack of fumble, they stripped each other's robes off, and when Sirius saw how beautiful Remus was - pale and lean, lips parted longingly, he had to simply stop and take in the sight with famished eyes.
Misreading the pause, Remus hung his head, his hair falling over his face. He traced a finger regretfully up the longest of the scars on his chest. "They're hideous, I know."
For that instant, Sirius needed nothing more than he needed Remus to believe how breathtaking he was, and how much those scars - even as they broke Sirius's heart - were an integral part of that. He caught Remus's hand and held it away, and kissed his way slowly down the scar. Remus's breath hitched. "Gods, Padfoot-"
Sirius grinned madly and lunged at Remus, pinning him to the bed. "You called?"
Remus's eyes glinted. "See, you keep thinking you're stronger than I am, but-" He flipped Sirius easily. Sirius pushed back, and for a time they tussled on the covers, more wolf and dog than boys. But then Sirius's hand grazed Remus's erection, and the time had come for games to end.
Sirius was flying; he was falling; he was forgetting everything he ever knew, including his own name. There was only Remus - Remus claiming him, owning him. Remus sliding inside of him was like the last piece of a long, aching puzzle slipping into place. Sirius hissed with the almost unbearable pleasure of it.
And Remus stopped, began to withdraw.
Sirius clamped his hands around the narrow wrist. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"You - I don't want to hurt you."
"Thank you for thinking of me. But I swear, Remus, if you stop now, you're going to be the one hurting."
Remus smiled and kissed him hungrily.
Their rhythm was fast and frantic and, soon enough, arhythmic. Sirius's mind was unraveling; his entire being was dissolving; he was going to a place where there was nothing but Remus and this indescribable sensation forever. He couldn't stop watching Remus, so wild and gorgeous as he slipped out of control, and one coherent thought made it into Sirius's head:
He's as much mine now as I am his. And that realization was so astonishing, so wonderful and right, that it pushed him right over the edge. He'd never been more aware of every cell in his body, every nerve ending. He yelled harshly and felt Remus follow him down, gasping his name. He sunk his teeth into Remus's shoulder; Remus's nails dug into his back.
I am you are me.
"What was-"
"Did you say-"
They stared at each other.
"We did it."
Exhausted as they were, sleep was the furthest thing from their minds. They couldn't stop touching each other, laughing in quiet wonder as they realized, over and over again, what they'd done.
Finally, though, Sirius and his big mouth just had to ask. "Why on Earth were you spending so much time with Snape this week?"
Remus sighed. "I do with you'd be nicer to Severus. He saved my life this week."
"But how? And, more importantly, why?"
"I had to talk about this with somebody. Obviously it couldn't be you; James was in such a tither over Valentine's Day he was absolutely worthless, and somehow I just didn't feel like Peter understood."
"And Snape did?" Then Sirius sat up and stared down at Remus. "Back up. You told him about-"
"No way." Remus smiled with lazy deviance. "All I said was that I thought I fancied you. He's spent the entire week trying to convince me of all the reasons you'd be utterly wrong for me."
Sirius's eyes were wider than soup bowls. "He what?"
Remus laughed and pulled Sirius down to him. "It was what I needed. Someone trying to talk me out of it, testing my resolve. Every perfectly valid point he raised made me more certain you were the one."
Sirius scowled. "Remind me to thank him later," he drawled.
Remus smacked the top of Sirius's head lightly. "Be nice, Padfoot."
"Hey!" Sirius rubbed his head. "I don't think abusing your mate is in the rules." And because that was the first time Sirius had called himself that, they had to stop and kiss each other a few more times.
"I'm a werewolf, Sirius," Remus said eventually. "We haven't got rules."
"Well, I'm making one right now. We're going to sleep."
Halfway through, Remus's laugh turned into a yawn. "Agreed." Sirius felt Remus grow very still beside him. "Padfoot?" he asked tentatively.
Sirius smiled. His heavy eyelids were already half shut. "I love you, too, Moony."
"Bastard." Remus's tone was annoyed affection, but Sirius felt the wave of contentment wash over him. The understanding that, for the rest of their lives, he would be this connected to Remus, was perhaps the most amazing thing that had happened on this night of amazing things.
Sirius drew in the arm he had draped over Remus's chest, pulled the other boy closer. "I'll tell you one thing," he said, his voice sleep-heavy, "James and Lily can keep their silly Valentine's Day."
And he knew that Remus was smiling as they fell asleep.
END