"I'm the nicest bitch you'll ever meet."
"I've got too much to write to be dead anytime soon."
"I love feedback. I'm its bitch."
Regarding the CSI:Miami season premiere, "Blood Brothers:" "Apparently H has become even more omnipotent over hiatus. They must be feeding him extra-strength 'I am ruler' flakes in the morning."
"What's your pain? (This is the Dark Side. We don't do pleasure unless there's pain.)"
"I hate you. Fucking hate you. Madly. Passionately. With Butter. I loathe you right now. Loathe you. Bitch."
"Wuss. Face your death-by-butter like a woman."
"Hey! You said 'unto'! That's the secret word of the day! *Cue crazed "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" music* And in that vein, the guys's stagename was 'Pee-Wee', how did no one see the lewd conduct charge coming?"
"A 'hoosegow' is a mix between a horse, a goose, and a cow. You can ride it on land or water and it produces milk."
"We're dirty. I like that about us."
"What about a Queen Latifah popsicle? You could lick - okay, stopping that train of thought before it gets really dirty."
"Oh, man, the pictures in my head are so beyond X-rated. Is there a Z rating for this sort of thing?"
A Munch!Tribble is born: "The Tribbles did a dance of joy, and then one of them started wearing black suits and sunglasses. I am a bit afraid of that one."
"Oh, please, Madonna sold out the first time she changed her image. She's so beyond sold-out now she's back in the bargain bin on a 'Buy 2 get one psychologically fucked singer free' sale."
"When you're the man of steel, does size really matter when you can pound your dick through a brick wall?"
Of my assertion that eating bagels untoasted meant I was eating them alive.: "Watch out, Julian. People for the Ethical and Humane Treatment of baked goods (PEHTBG) will come after you."
Of my roommate's then-girlfriend, whom Perpet suspected only wanted him because he works in a bakery: "Are there hints of pastry fetishism?"
"You know, I really am going to force you to marry me one day."
"I'm thinking Mr. Banana Man wouldn't want to tally anyone in Arkansas."
Offering a little writing advice: "As long as no one keeps coming back from the dead, you're fine."
Such a subtle young lady: "I thwatslashink you showatslashuld write what feels nawatslashtural." (In case that was confusing to you, the 'subliminable message' [as our illustrious President Shrub would say] is 'WaT slash' and refers to Perpet's belief that I should be writing more slash for CBS's "Without a Trace.")
"Julian! No willfully smothering yourself in Queen Latifah's cleavage!"
"I swear, I don't think any part of Joan Rivers is real anymore. I think it's all plastic, silicone, and bitch."
"I declare 'Keen Eddie' to be an 'Everyone is gay' zone."
JULIAN: Who could pervert bunnies & kittens?
PERPET: Oh, I don't know. You. Me. You.
JULIAN: Just pretend you're the President.
PERPET: Why not? The Shrub's been doing it for years.
JULIAN: I thought we liked capitalism (And by 'we' I mean 'Americans.' And by 'Americans' I mean...um, not us).
PERPET: Aw, come on, don't you want to be a little sheep grazing in the meadows with the rest of the herd?
JULIAN: Baaaa. Baaaa. Um, nope.
PERPET: But you could get led over a cliff!
PERPET: Minnesotans have all the fun.
JULIAN: Of course we do. How else are we going to survive our 7 months of Winter?
PERPET: Cannibalism.
JULIAN: HAH! That was so beautiful. I love you.
PERPET: *pouts* But not as much as Queen Latifah.
JULIAN: Dude. Do *you* have cleavage a woman could die in?
PERPET: *Looks down at breasts*. Well, if it's a small woman, possibly.
JULIAN: *rolls on floor, dying of laughter.* That's too beautiful for words. Especially because I am a small woman.
PERPET: Want to die in my cleavage?
JULIAN: It's hard enough knowing your lover is a superhuman superhero without size/brick-wall-dick comparison issues.
PERPET: Man, now there's an issue I'd like to see a relationship therapist figure out.
JULIAN: I have had very little contact with nuns.
PERPET: That's probably a good thing. Considering the whole lesbian-pagan thing you do. You'd scare the habit off them. And then they'd be extra shamed, being naked and all.
We confess we're just using each other for the slash:
JULIAN: Ah. Mutual...er...something. There was a naughty word that wanted in there, but that's not what we were talking about, so I smacked it about a little and it went home to sulk.
PERPET: Do it! Do it!
JULIAN: *sigh.* Masturbation. There. Happy now?
PERPET: Ecstatic. Thank you.
PERPET: We keep collecting Texans. I didn't know they came this far north.
JULIAN: I keep saying we should put up a fence around the entire state and not let the blighters out.
PERPET: Yeah, but then the whole state of Texas would never-hey, that's not a bad idea!
JULIAN: All work and no play makes Perpet a psychotic office monkey.
PERPET: Ooh! Ooh! I am a banana.
We really like it when characters Aaron Sorkin has written for Joshua Malina (specifically Jeremy in "Sports Night" and Will in "The West Wing") get rained on:
JULIAN: Sork has some issues he needs to work through.
PERPET: Yes. And if he must work though them by giving us a soaking wet Joshua Malina, I support him completely.
Later, during an unrelated discussion...
PERPET: Do you think [Sorkin] can prove his point by getting Josh Malina wet?
JULIAN: Anything in the name of God, right?
PERPET: Hell, if it gets Josh Malina soaking wet he can do it in the name of the Gerbil Christ.
I'm sure there'll be more later; check this page periodically to see what else she's got to say.