Title: A Trip in Leggie's Shoes
Chapter 1: Legolas is Mine
Author: Audrey Ramirez
Contact: audreyramirez@aol.com
Rated: PG-13
Summary: What would happen if you got transported into the Lord of the Rings movie, it was real, and you were in Legolas's body....did I mention that you were utterly crazy too? Probably ruin his life...


*

Watching The Lord of the Rings is no easy task. You don't just simply sit down and stare. You spend the entire time minding mistakes, laughing at the stunt midgets when they go flying, and wondering why Aragorn is such a dirt vacuum. More importantly though, you spend your time anticipating the parts when the glorious elf Legolas comes, when you run to the TV, kissing and hugging it, wishing he would come out and yet wondering whether or not there's actually a way to get to Middle Earth. Other times of course you just kind of look and see if he's standing the background.

It just happened to be one of those times, by the way, that I happened to be watching The Lord of the Rings in my signature style, when suddenly it was that wonderful time at Rivendell when Leoglas first appears. Gandalf had just taken in the fact that the ring could not stay in Rivendell when he leaned on the balcony and it switched over to Boromir, riding in curiously, unsure of his surroundings. Closely following Boromir's entrance was God himself, galloping through the gates on his white horse, dismounting, and looking around the fellow elf haven. I leaped over to the TV, my mouth hanging open at the chance to see the golden haired deity for the six millionth time.

"God dammit!" I cried out to him. "I love you. so. much! How is it that you cannot be real!? That you cannot be mine!? That you can never be mine!? I.wish.I...was.in.Middle.Earth! Then I could finally be with you." I pushed my head against the TV, staring at the carpet below, a few stray hairs clinging to the static emitting from the screen. Elrond was recalling his first and only trip into Mount Doom. Suddenly Elrond came out of his trance, and when I looked up Legolas was faint and small, yet on one of the back terraces, wandering on and off screen. The hidden Leggie I proudly called my own finding.

I slammed my fist against Elrond's forehead, which contained his ever-so- magical eyebrows that leaned at an amazing seventy-degree angle. "It's not fair! Elves.elves." I mumbled. "I want Legolas!"

Aragorn suddenly marauded onscreen apparently seducing the likes of Boromir, who was examining a mural of the wonders of Isildur, the sword Narsil, and Sauron. Boromir gave that I'll-only-be-cute-once-in-this- lifetime-so-I-better-do-it-now look that I love so much, then went over and messed around with the actual Narsil. Cutting himself and drawing blood, Boromir looked over to his fellow man reading a book in the corner. Once again, Aragorn gave a look of pure seduction. Boromir put down the sword, letting it drop to the floor, and wandered out hastily.

But even this, one of my favorite parts in the movie, did not fail to cheer me. The sense of longing that would never be fulfilled hung tight to my heart, like a.shadow.under.threat. Ok, perhaps not. But nothing could stop Legolas from tugging at my heartstrings and messing with the inner workings of my mind.

Aragorn stood in the garden, listening to Arwen.which I always pronounced Aruwen to my liking.babble on about immortality and elves hooking up with humans, I drew my eyebrows together. I gave both of them a look of pure rage. They began hungrily searching each others lips with their eyes before digging in.

"I hate you. Both of you," and with that, perhaps on accident, impulse, or just plain stupidity, I slammed my head against the TV. Darkness engulfed my senses, and I saw nothing more.

******

I could not tell how much time had passed. It seemed like I had been out cold for hours. However, the sounds I heard through the darkness suggested I had been out for only the time that Aragorn and Arwen had kissed.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor," announced Elrond, pronouncing Mordor in his magical way.

I opened my eyes. Yep, it was the Council of Elrond, alright. I was out for only a few seconds. I looked behind me so I could back up and sit back down on the couch. Perhaps standing right at the TV was not so good for me. But there was no couch behind me. Plus.I was already seated. I brushed my blonde hair back with my hand.and realized that before I had been wearing it in a ponytail. Other than that, my hair seemed pretty much the same. But how could that have happened, I thought. And why did I feel so.

I stopped and sniffed the air. Smelled like the outdoors. I picked up the scent of water, trees, and that weird smell ala a bit of altitude.

I looked back to the movie. A bit more 3D than usual, I thought. Then I looked down. My eyes bugged out. Then they lowered and I lifted my head and stared into the space right above Elrond's head.

"Blah blah blah blah, blah-blah." Elrond said importantly.

Just then Frodo stepped forward to place the ringy dingy on the podium. Everyone leaned in to look as he dropped "the precious" onto the stone. Then Frodo sighed and sat back down.

The next shot in the movie was usually Leggie, looking very impressed, if not seduced by the magicality of it all. Yet that shot never came. For in the position I was in, I would have to look seduced for him. For I was him.

"Well, I feel like an idiot." I said in the beautiful voice that started out strong and naturally toned down to a whisper. It was a voice that, if its words could take physical form, would be sapphire and emerald jewels falling softly and chiming crystalline tones onto an unbreaking glass.

"Very informative, Master Elf, however that is not what is to be discussed." said Elrond.

"Sorry that you're bothered," I said shaking myself out of my state of wonderment to impulsively shoot back. "But if I didn't already know every word of what was to be discussed, I would be dwelling on the subject of those miraculous eyebrows, for they're going to take over the world if you don't stop furrowing them. Please, Boromir, continue."

Boromir looked around the circle on the terrace uncertainly. "I wasn't saying anything."

"Ah, yes, but perhaps you should remark on the ring." I said nervously. I wanted to get the movie back on track. "Itsagift!" I coughed, hoping that he would 'remember' his line.his thoughts.

He grimaced, but luckily he didn't need my help. Gesturing sinisterly with his hands and lowering his eyes, he drew the attention of the group by saying darkly under his breath, "It's a gift."

One of the lesser-known blondies next to me looked at me strangely. "It is not characteristic of Mirkwood elves to read minds." he whispered.

"Yeah, well I'm special," I said, or perhaps Legolas said, not bothering to keep my/his voice down. I folded my arms against my chest. "Ooo!" I suddenly squealed, or at least tried to, as it was hard to squeal when you no longer have a feminine voice. I pulled my head down and lifted out the collar of my shirt with my hand so I could see his lovely bare chest. "Yay! Muscley!" I cried with glee.

Boromir, who had been lecturing to the circle about the state of Gondor, froze. All eyes turned to me.

"Uh.I.um.I. ányë ruca!" I said, spitting out one of the few elvish phrases I had learned over the internet. Although it seemed quite random, perhaps telling the group to fear me fit the occasion perfectly.

Aragorn swallowed hard and looked at the ground. Then he remembered Boromir's musings and picked up on his lines. "You cannot wield it. None of us can. The one ring answers to Sauron alone, it has no other master."

Boromir turned to Aragorn and sneered. "And what would a ranger know of this matter?"

I stood up majestically.or at least the best I could without tripping over Leggie's poncho. "This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance," I said, executing the line perfectly and so beautifully that I could have stopped right there and made out with myself. Too bad that would have been kind of hard to do.

Boromir looked at Aragorn in disbelief. "Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?"

"And heir to the throne of Gondor," I said. I didn't even have to try, the words just flowed out of me.

"Havo dad, Legolas," said Aragorn, looking embarrassed.

"You're lucky there were subtitles." I said under my breath and taking a seat in the oddly shaped chairs on Elrond's terrace.

"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king," Boromir scoffed in my direction before sitting down.

I would have shot back at him, but I thought I should stick to the movie script. As Gandalf began to speak, I looked over just in time to find out what I had always wanted to know. Why Elrond suddenly came from the bottom of the screen during his next line. While Gandalf was speaking Elrond has his head tucked between his knees. That's strange, I thought to myself.

Suddenly Elrond popped up and proclaimed, "You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed."

I shook my head and stifled a laugh. I could now see what happened to other characters when the camera wasn't on them. This would be an interesting endeavor, I thought.

Gimli got up and, being the idiot that he was, took his axe to the ring and promptly blasted back onto the hard stone of the terrace.

I couldn't help myself, I burst out laughing. Nobody said anything about that to me, I was guessing that they thought I was holding an elven grudge against the dwarf. But really, I was just laughing because, well, pain is funny! Go figure.

Elrond informed Gimli on his mistake, and then looking around the circle, flaunting his magical eyebrows, stated, "One of you must do this."

Silence fell over the council. I rolled my eyes. Boromir began his speech on Mordor, and just because I felt like it, I said his, "It is folly," line at the same time he did, in a mockingly serious tone. He whipped his face around to me and gave me a death glare.

It was time for my line. I stood up, returning the death glare, and shouted, "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said? The Ring must be destroyed!" Gimli hopped out of his chair. "And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?"

"Damn straight!" I yelled back. "Bring it on, bitch!" I slapped a hand over my wandering mouth as Boromir began to speak of failure. I kept screwing up. Maybe it didn't matter if I did. But god, Gimli made me want to die.

"I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli screamed, spit erupting from his mouth and spraying nearly all the dwarves around him. Served 'em right, the half pints.

"I CAN ARRANGE THAT!" I yelled, springing upon Gimli. My larger elf body knocked him over. I straddled him and delivered a hefty punch to his face, leaving a black eye on his right. I would have done worse, but at that moment Elrond shuffled over, slipped his hands under my shoulders, and dragged me off the sorry bastard. "Moh-khit GWEH-noag-loh-nick!" I spat out to Gimli.

I looked around to see humans, elves, and dwarves fighting amongst themselves. My actions had changed little of the course of the story. Hey, I thought to myself, I can stray from the script and it keeps going on. Roxor!

"Please, Legolas, save it. Although I detest Gimli for his insult.wait, that wasn't in Elvish."

I was confused at first, and than I realized he was talking about the Atlantean phrase I had emitted, that came from the movie Atlantis, meaning 'I will kill you for that!.' "Uh." I said, wondering what I would possibly say to that.

"Nevermind." Elrond muttered and moved on to another fighting group of men and elves.

I didn't join a group, I didn't want dwarf spit all over me if they began yelling, so I patiently waited for Frodo. I turned and looked over at him, sitting in his chair, staring at the Ring in fear and breathing as if he was on the pinnacle of an orgasm. The Ring must have been just too exciting. Then I remembered that's when he was supposed to be hearing the Mordorian incantation written around the ring. I couldn't hear it, but Frodo obviously could.

Suddenly he stood up with a determined look on his face. "I will take it!" he tried to shout over the crowd. He repeated it so the council could hear him, and the bickering ceased. "I will take the ring to Mordor, though.though I do not know the way."

Gandalf stepped forward. "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear"

Likewise, Aragorn left his chair, saying, "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will." He passed though the group, and kneeled in front of Frodo. "You have my sword."

"And you have my bow," I said, taking my place with the beginnings of the fellowship.

"And my axe," Gimli said and lumbered over.

My face fell, although I already knew it was coming. I rolled my eyes and exhaled a sigh.

Soon Boromir also stood beside me. Sam popped out of the bushes, followed by Merry and Pippin from behind the pillars. Something surprised me. They looked like the star actors for the shots when they were normally played by the stunt midgets. This must be some alternate world where the movie is real, the actors aren't actors, and stunt midgets are only something seen behind the camera, I thought. I was a bit disappointed about the non- midgety-ness. Nothing more fun than midgets.

"Nine companions. So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!" said Elrond proudly.

We all stood their majestically. Then nothing happened. Where it normally cut to a clip of Legolas.me.walking down the steps, we still stood there.

"I believe this council may adjourn," said Elrond, smiling. Then he turned, whisking his red velvet outfit around, and sauntered from the terrace. He was closely followed by the nameless council.peoples..

Gandalf turned to the newly formed fellowship. "We will leave in the morning. Take your weapons of choice and pack lightly. We shall travel along the west of the Misty mountains for forty days and make for the Gap of Rohan, if it is still open to us. I suggest we all take a long night of rest; our journey shall be grueling." Then he turned to Frodo. "Keep the ring safe, Frodo," he said, gesturing to the stone podium where it lay.

Frodo retrieved the ring and strung it around the chain in his pocket. He fastened it to his neck as Boromir watched with a grimace. Aragorn noticed Boromir's gaze but said nothing.

The group dispersed back into Elrond's house, but I stopped Frodo and took him aside next to the podium.

"Frodo, tell me honestly. Have you ever heard of Elijah Wood?" I said inquisitively.

Frodo looked confused. "No, I have never heard of such a name. Where is the forest located?"

"What? What do you mean.oh, no, it's a person, not a forest. Uh, I was just wondering because Elijah looks so much.like.you." It was useless to explain. Frodo was definitely real to his own world. I didn't bother to explain that Elijah was really him.

I let him go, leaving me on the terrace with just my thoughts. If time ran normally inside the movie instead of the movie being just three hours, that would mean I would be here for months. I would be trapped in the movie until the last shot of Legolas was complete, when he runs after Aragorn and passes Gimli in the forest on their way to save Merry and Pippin..I hit my forehead with my fist..months in Middle Earth.with no technology.having to go through battles.in. Legolas's. body.Roxor!

I tore of the weird little velvet poncho, revealing Leggie's body in his little blue elven shirt, grey-blue pants, and black boots. I danced around the terrace, taking advantage of the graceful movements to do many elf leaps. Then I jumped on the podium, raised my fists triumphantly, and yelled, "LEGOLAS IS MINE!" so loud that it echoed all throughout the river valley.

After having a prance around Rivendell, exploring numerous libraries and sitting rooms in Elrond's household, I grew hungry. Perhaps there would be a feast tonight, like the one described in the book the day before the council.

I went through numerous rooms, trying to find the dining hall, yet I was utterly lost. Not only that, but I had no idea where my room was, or at least, where Legolas had put his things before coming to the council.

"Legolas! Leoglas!" cried a voice echoing from the long, marble hall I was in.

I spun around and the same elf that had mentioned psychic Mirkwood inhabitants walked up to me.

"Who are you?" I said defensively.

"Legolas! You have forgotten already, have you? Glorfindel! Did we not meet just this morning?"

"Yes, of course," I said, wondering what the real Legolas thought of Glorfindel. "I never knew that the nameless elf at the council was you."

"Nameless? I do not understand that of you speak." Glorfindel said. "Come, my friend. The sending off feast has been prepared in celebration of your journey tomorrow. You have a seat at Elrond's table of honor."

*

TBC