Title: A Trip in Leggie's Shoes
Chapter 9: Boromir no es un Mellon
Author: Audrey Ramirez
Contact: audreyramirez@aol.com
Rated: PG-13
Summary: What would happen if you got transported into the Lord of the Rings movie, it was real, and you were in Legolas's body....did I mention that you were utterly crazy too? Probably ruin his life...


*

The events of the next morning happened as follows: I woke up early to stuff Boromir's pack with rocks (he had a fun day's journey ahead of him); the fellowship awoke and Sam fixed breakfast (had Merry help me put ash in Boromir's tomatoes when I was inspired by one of Pippin's earlier quotes from the movie: "That's nice! Ash in my toe-mah-toes!"); and to Boromir's dismay, I sang the In Dreams song at his shoulder six times through breakfast like a drunken duck. Actually, I didn't quite mean for Legolas to sound like he was quacking the song, but hey, you try singing a song you had sung soprano in tenor. Eh..

To tell you the truth, Boromir almost drew his sword on me so that I would shut up, yet this didn't work, half due to the fact that Aragorn bid him not to, and half due to the fact that I found some of Gandalf's exciting sealing wax and melted the sword in it's sheath before dawn.

It was nine o clock when we set out; the fellowship (including an unknowingly heavily burdened Boromir) was headed off toward Moria. This I didn't look forward to, even if I did know how to shoot an arrow. Not only did the elf in me despise the thought, but also my true personality was a consumer of life and light. Plus, dead things made me uneasy. Once again, go figure.

The rest of the morning went pretty normal, in my standards, due to the fact that about half past ten I performed a flying leap onto Sam's back screaming, "PIGGY BACK RIDE!" and scaring him so badly that he blindly ran about in circle like a dying chipmunk with me on his back until about thirty second later he fell back in a dead faint. Success! Gandalf revived him with some herbs, but gave a few glares in my direction seeming to ask why I had not waited until our break to delay the company.

So..I thought to myself. No one really knows my secret. Frodo thinks I'm a schitzo, and Aragorn thinks I'm in shock. No one would understand if I had tried to explain, and I was a little relieved that I had pretended my venting had been a joke. No use in trying to explain something I couldn't even explain to myself.

The big question that had remained in my mind was where the real Legolas was, whether he was pushed aside and was sort of watching me wreck his life, whether he was in my body, or whether he didn't even exist anymore. But nothing would ever answer my questions, at least not yet.

I wondered how many days I had left. Not many actually. I was predicting a week at the most.

I was just about to ask Aragorn whether Moria was a three or four day walk (I couldn't recall) when suddenly I broke out into a fit of cute, quiet, Elvish sneezes that made the entire company stopped marching to stare at me until I revived.

******

When we halted for the afternoon meal, I had other plans in my mind than just eating. I still hadn't finished with Boromir, something other than just pranks.

Boromir was sent off to find what wood he could to feed a small a fire, and I slipped away after him, following him stealthily away from the company until we were out of sight.

He had not picked up his first twig when suddenly he found the tip of an arrow two centimeters from his nose. He drew his eyes up slowly and stood up, my arrow following his movements.

"Let it be known," I said in a breathy voice, "That I do not tolerate insolence. Touch me ever, ever again, and you will find this arrow shoved so far up your ass you'll have to open your mouth.."

Boromir drew his eyebrows together. "As you wish," he laughed, "I care not."

"Oh, like I haven't heard that one before, you bastard. No one can escape the wrath of an elf and his arrows, no matter how hard he tries. Now I suggest you get the rest of the wood and go back to the fellowship as if nothing has happened."

I backed away with one eyebrow raised, then slipped the arrow back into my quiver. I began to walk back to the fellowship while putting my quiver behind me, but I had not taken three steps when I found myself pinned against the cliff wall, with my arms in back of my head. His sword was drawn and at my throat.

"Two can play at this game, elf! You have forgotten the strength of the men of Gondor!"

How convenient my hands were behind me. I fisted my fingers around the little ivory hilts, and with a sudden movement I had drawn both my little Elven knives and pulling down Boromir's sword away from my face. Our swords clashed, and I was able to push him back far enough that I slipped away from the cliff wall.

We stood at the ready with bent knees, facing each other. I bit my lip, I did not wish to fight. With a burst of speed I high-tailed it out of there and sprinted back to where the Fellowship was.

Panting, I nearly fell over Aragorn as I leaped into the group, who were sitting and waiting patiently for the return of firewood. I hit the dirt trying to avoid the king, and my blades sunk deep into the dirt, their steel bodies barely glinted out from the earth.

"Legolas!?" Aragorn yelped. He pulled a blade out of the ground and stared at it. "And what need would you have attended to with these?"

I yanked the second knife out of the earth and snatched the first from Aragorn. I flipped them back perfectly into their resting sheaths on the sides of my quiver. "Nothing! Nothing! Just...ya know...cutting some herbs and what not..." I said all too quickly.

Aragorn looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "Legolas, there are no herbs out here."

"Do you doubt the word of an elf!?" I cried suddenly, which surprised me. That hadn't come out of my mind..but it had come from my mouth.

"No, Legolas. Never would I.." Aragorn sighed and stared at the pebbles below him.

As I saw Boromir stalk back, Gandalf began a conversation which held everyone's interest but mine. Boromir threw the wood down, nearly missing me, which I'm sure was quite on purpose. I bared my canines at him, but he turned away to listen to Gandalf. Whore.

I had been deep in thought for the next ten minutes, when suddenly I heard my name.

"Yes, what does the *elf* think!?" said Boromir haughtily.

I looked around nervously. All eyes were on me. I had no idea what they had been talking about, yet they were all waiting to see what I had to add about it. Quick, Legolas, quick, I thought. You can do it. Say something intelligent.

"Uh! I think...I think...I think that if Figwit can have an acronym, so can I! My name now stands for the Luscious Elf God Of Lust And Sex. That's L-E-G-O-L-A-S."

Doh. Took a screw. What a shocker. Had to cover up. "Come on, everybody say it with me!"

Silence and stares. "Come *on*!" I said commandingly.

"Luscious Elf God Of Lust And Sex," they repeated synonymously in monotone.

"Thank you," I said, crossing my arms and once again shutting the world out. There were my two cents, if anybody wanted them.

******

We reached the cliffs of Moria by nightfall. I sighed heavily as we reached the end of the Hollin road, for past the gates I did not wish to go.

"The walls of Moria!" said Gimli in awe.

Gandalf went up to the rocky wall and touched it gently. "Well, lets see...Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight."

The clouds suddenly parts away from the moon and a soft light shone over us. Suddenly the outline of the door appeared like gossamer threads engraved in the rock.

"It reads: 'The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter,'" Gandalf said.

"What do you suppose that means?" questioned Merry.

"Oh, it's quite simple-" Gandalf began.

"It means you're glad you have an elf with you." I said interrupting. "Damn dwarves, not learning their Elvish grammar! It's all about the commas!" I sighed. "Move it or lose it, Gramps, " I said, shoving Gandalf to the side. I held up my hands as if I were parting the Red Sea. I cleared my throat and held up my chest proudly. In the sexiest, breathiest voice I could manage, I said, "Mellon!"

Immediately the doors parted, revealing the endless dark of Moria. I shook my shoulders proudly and entered at a strut.

Pippin looked at me in surprise. "How'd you know?" he said.

"Legolas *always* wins," I said in the same sexy voice, giving a toss to my hair. Damn right he did.

TBC