Title: A Trip in Leggie's Shoes
Chapter 9: Boromir no es un Mellon
Author: Audrey Ramirez
Contact: audreyramirez@aol.com
Rated: PG-13
Summary: What would happen if you got transported into the Lord of the Rings movie, it was real, and you were in Legolas's body....did I mention that you were utterly crazy too? Probably ruin his life...
*
The events of the next morning happened as follows: I woke up early
to stuff Boromir's pack with rocks (he had a fun day's journey ahead of
him); the fellowship awoke and Sam fixed breakfast (had Merry help me put
ash in Boromir's tomatoes when I was inspired by one of Pippin's earlier
quotes from the movie: "That's nice! Ash in my toe-mah-toes!"); and to
Boromir's dismay, I sang the In Dreams song at his shoulder six times
through breakfast like a drunken duck. Actually, I didn't quite mean for
Legolas to sound like he was quacking the song, but hey, you try singing a
song you had sung soprano in tenor. Eh..
To tell you the truth, Boromir almost drew his sword on me so that I
would shut up, yet this didn't work, half due to the fact that Aragorn bid
him not to, and half due to the fact that I found some of Gandalf's
exciting sealing wax and melted the sword in it's sheath before dawn.
It was nine o clock when we set out; the fellowship (including an
unknowingly heavily burdened Boromir) was headed off toward Moria. This I
didn't look forward to, even if I did know how to shoot an arrow. Not only
did the elf in me despise the thought, but also my true personality was a
consumer of life and light. Plus, dead things made me uneasy. Once again,
go figure.
The rest of the morning went pretty normal, in my standards, due to
the fact that about half past ten I performed a flying leap onto Sam's back
screaming, "PIGGY BACK RIDE!" and scaring him so badly that he blindly ran
about in circle like a dying chipmunk with me on his back until about
thirty second later he fell back in a dead faint. Success! Gandalf revived
him with some herbs, but gave a few glares in my direction seeming to ask
why I had not waited until our break to delay the company.
So..I thought to myself. No one really knows my secret. Frodo thinks
I'm a schitzo, and Aragorn thinks I'm in shock. No one would understand if
I had tried to explain, and I was a little relieved that I had pretended my
venting had been a joke. No use in trying to explain something I couldn't
even explain to myself.
The big question that had remained in my mind was where the real
Legolas was, whether he was pushed aside and was sort of watching me wreck
his life, whether he was in my body, or whether he didn't even exist
anymore. But nothing would ever answer my questions, at least not yet.
I wondered how many days I had left. Not many actually. I was
predicting a week at the most.
I was just about to ask Aragorn whether Moria was a three or four day
walk (I couldn't recall) when suddenly I broke out into a fit of cute,
quiet, Elvish sneezes that made the entire company stopped marching to
stare at me until I revived.
******
When we halted for the afternoon meal, I had other plans in my mind
than just eating. I still hadn't finished with Boromir, something other
than just pranks.
Boromir was sent off to find what wood he could to feed a small a
fire, and I slipped away after him, following him stealthily away from the
company until we were out of sight.
He had not picked up his first twig when suddenly he found the tip of
an arrow two centimeters from his nose. He drew his eyes up slowly and
stood up, my arrow following his movements.
"Let it be known," I said in a breathy voice, "That I do not tolerate
insolence. Touch me ever, ever again, and you will find this arrow shoved
so far up your ass you'll have to open your mouth.."
Boromir drew his eyebrows together. "As you wish," he laughed, "I
care not."
"Oh, like I haven't heard that one before, you bastard. No one can
escape the wrath of an elf and his arrows, no matter how hard he tries. Now
I suggest you get the rest of the wood and go back to the fellowship as if
nothing has happened."
I backed away with one eyebrow raised, then slipped the arrow back
into my quiver. I began to walk back to the fellowship while putting my
quiver behind me, but I had not taken three steps when I found myself
pinned against the cliff wall, with my arms in back of my head. His sword
was drawn and at my throat.
"Two can play at this game, elf! You have forgotten the strength of
the men of Gondor!"
How convenient my hands were behind me. I fisted my fingers around
the little ivory hilts, and with a sudden movement I had drawn both my
little Elven knives and pulling down Boromir's sword away from my face. Our
swords clashed, and I was able to push him back far enough that I slipped
away from the cliff wall.
We stood at the ready with bent knees, facing each other. I bit my
lip, I did not wish to fight. With a burst of speed I high-tailed it out of
there and sprinted back to where the Fellowship was.
Panting, I nearly fell over Aragorn as I leaped into the group, who
were sitting and waiting patiently for the return of firewood. I hit the
dirt trying to avoid the king, and my blades sunk deep into the dirt, their
steel bodies barely glinted out from the earth.
"Legolas!?" Aragorn yelped. He pulled a blade out of the ground and
stared at it. "And what need would you have attended to with these?"
I yanked the second knife out of the earth and snatched the first
from Aragorn. I flipped them back perfectly into their resting sheaths on
the sides of my quiver. "Nothing! Nothing! Just...ya know...cutting some
herbs and what not..." I said all too quickly.
Aragorn looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "Legolas, there are no
herbs out here."
"Do you doubt the word of an elf!?" I cried suddenly, which surprised
me. That hadn't come out of my mind..but it had come from my mouth.
"No, Legolas. Never would I.." Aragorn sighed and stared at the
pebbles below him.
As I saw Boromir stalk back, Gandalf began a conversation which held
everyone's interest but mine. Boromir threw the wood down, nearly missing
me, which I'm sure was quite on purpose. I bared my canines at him, but he
turned away to listen to Gandalf. Whore.
I had been deep in thought for the next ten minutes, when suddenly I
heard my name.
"Yes, what does the *elf* think!?" said Boromir haughtily.
I looked around nervously. All eyes were on me. I had no idea what
they had been talking about, yet they were all waiting to see what I had to
add about it. Quick, Legolas, quick, I thought. You can do it. Say
something intelligent.
"Uh! I think...I think...I think that if Figwit can have an acronym,
so can I! My name now stands for the Luscious Elf God Of Lust And Sex.
That's L-E-G-O-L-A-S."
Doh. Took a screw. What a shocker. Had to cover up. "Come on,
everybody say it with me!"
Silence and stares. "Come *on*!" I said commandingly.
"Luscious Elf God Of Lust And Sex," they repeated synonymously in
monotone.
"Thank you," I said, crossing my arms and once again shutting the
world out. There were my two cents, if anybody wanted them.
******
We reached the cliffs of Moria by nightfall. I sighed heavily as we
reached the end of the Hollin road, for past the gates I did not wish to
go.
"The walls of Moria!" said Gimli in awe.
Gandalf went up to the rocky wall and touched it gently. "Well, lets
see...Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight."
The clouds suddenly parts away from the moon and a soft light shone
over us. Suddenly the outline of the door appeared like gossamer threads
engraved in the rock.
"It reads: 'The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and
enter,'" Gandalf said.
"What do you suppose that means?" questioned Merry.
"Oh, it's quite simple-" Gandalf began.
"It means you're glad you have an elf with you." I said interrupting.
"Damn dwarves, not learning their Elvish grammar! It's all about the
commas!" I sighed. "Move it or lose it, Gramps, " I said, shoving Gandalf
to the side. I held up my hands as if I were parting the Red Sea. I cleared
my throat and held up my chest proudly. In the sexiest, breathiest voice I
could manage, I said, "Mellon!"
Immediately the doors parted, revealing the endless dark of Moria. I
shook my shoulders proudly and entered at a strut.
Pippin looked at me in surprise. "How'd you know?" he said.
"Legolas *always* wins," I said in the same sexy voice, giving a toss
to my hair. Damn right he did.
TBC