Title: Adventures of the Sugar Dragon In Lust
Chapter 1
Author: tainted black
Contact: tainted_black@twistedcandy.org
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/ermm.. Romance? Lol. No, wait, parody! .. something.
Summary: Featuring horribly OOC!Draco and hard-to-get!Hermione! Watch as Draco attempt to "seduce" Hermione with his divine and mystical (not to mention rather stupid) ways! Hear his thoughts! Hear him talk! Watch him do other stuff! Watch me over use exclamation marks! PARODY FUN FOR EVERYONE!
Disclaimer: You know, I wish I can lie right now and say this is mine. But it ain't.

Chapter One: I'm in lust!

Draco Malfoy realized he had feelings for -her-. He didn't know how nor why--one day she was just another girl and BAM! She was suddenly more than that. She made him want to do -nice- things. She made him want to sing and prance around like a fool in love--which he wasn't. No siree, he definitely was -not- in love. There was no such thing as love! This was lust, yes, that's it. L-U-S-T. Not to be confused with L-O-V-E. He smirked as he picked up his mirror and gazed deeply into it.

"Oh, you handsome sucker," he crooned to it. "You're so good looking that it -must- be illegal."

"Yes. In fact, it is," the mirror said. "Do you want me to name off the countries?"

"Another time." He flashed the mirror a smile, then a smirk which was followed by a frown. Looked good. He then practiced his I-hate-Gryffindors face, which was a mix of the his patented Malfoy smirk and frown. How devious, how diabolic, how -sinister- he looked! No girl would be able to resist -this- look, not even those Gryffindors, especially not -her-.

With his other hand, he began to gel his hair back while still admiring himself. He was a narcissistic boy, there no doubt about it. He was, in fact, Narcissa's boy. His silver-blond hair, his startling silver eyes, his pale skin, his debonair attitude, his money...he was everything and a bag of Bernie Botts' jellybeans.

"Draco?" Crabbe called. "Are you looking at yourself...again?"

Draco hastily set aside the mirror under his pillow, looking at Crabbe innocently. "No. Of course not."

Crabbe's gaze lingered on the blond's bed for a full minute before saying, "Oh."

"Thank God you're so dim," Draco muttered.

"What?" Although he wasn't the swishiest wand at Ollianders, he sure had one hell of an ear.

"Did you loose weight? You look slim."

The other boy blinked, coloring slightly. "I started running this week..."

"Really? Where?"

"After the other students."

Draco stared at him. "Um. Good job, Crabbe. Yes, very good job."

From the other side of the shared Slytherin dorm room, Goyle shouted, "Class is going to start soon, you know. Potions. With Snape."

"I know who our teacher is you dingbat," Draco sighed. "We've had him for the past four years."

"Time to make fun of Gryffindors!" Crabbe said cheerfully.

Draco smirked again. It was time to see her again. Her, her, her, her! Her long bushy hair! Her now perfectly straight teeth! Her glaring looks of hatred! Her dark chocolate eyes! Ahh... He tried running a hand through his gelled hair, but unfortunately, the gel wasn't dried yet, and it came off on his hand. Shit. He didn't have enough time to do it over again. Guess he can do -one- day without his precious gel.

"Any of you two have water?"

Goyle held up his bottle of water and Draco yanked it away from him.

"What are you going to do with it?"

Draco ignored him and proceeded to pour the liquid on his hair, rinsing it out completely. That was such a waste of gel. He sighed. He would have to owl Father the next chance he got for more gel. But not just -any- gel! It -had- to be Larry Lockworm's Liquid Gel For Irresistably Good-Looking Wizards Such As Yourself.

"Uh... Draco?"

"What is it -now-?" he asked, clearly irritated.

"Nothing," Crabbe said, deciding to not point out that the floor was made out of wood.

Draco tossed the bottle back to Goyle. "Let's go." He took one step and slid back, promptly falling on his back. He landed with a crash. "Why didn't you guys remind me about the floor?" he groaned, rubbing his back.

"I -was-, but you probably would've told me to shut up," Crabbe responded. He waded over to Draco and pulled him up.

"Don't mention this to anyone," threatened Draco. If anyone found out, his reputation would be ruined! He must not let one clumsy mistake demolish it.

Crabbe and Goyle nodded solemnly. Then Draco stalked out of the room, this time making sure he didn't step on the wet floor again. One fall was good enough, thank you very much. Crabbe and Goyle meekly followed him.

Right outside of Potions, Draco turned around. "Blow on my robe."

"What?" asked Goyle, baffled. "Blow?"

"I want that effect that Snape always has when he enters his room. That billowing effect. Now blow." He wanted to make a grand entrance in the class and a billowing of his robe that even Snape would be jealous of. He was certain -she- would be impressed with his entrance as well.

Goyle and Crabbed looked at each other and shrugged. If he wanted them to blow on his robe, then he got it. They sucked in a deep breath and Draco opened the door. Then the two blew. But instead of billowing out behind him, the robe billowed ahead of him. It looked like he was wearing a dress.

"Mr. Malfoy," Snape said, staring at the boy and his two cronies with a disturbed look on his face. "Mr. Crabbe, Mr. Goyle. Please take your seats. You're just in time for the assignment."

Draco smirked, Goyle scratched his ear, and Crabbe patted his hair.

"Keep blowing," Draco instructed in a low voice that only they could hear. He started walking and he heard Crabbe and Goyle suck in another deep breath. He passed Potter, Weasley, and Granger slowly, so that they could admire his robe. They weren't even looking at him. Hm, he'll take care of that. "Blow really hard this time."

Crabbe and Goyle let out their breath in unison, and Draco's robe, well, billowed yet again. It really was a nice billow, if he said so himself. Granger, being on the end of the row, turned her head around. Ah, his lust was finally looking at him!

"Did I just feel them... blowing on your robe?" she asked slowly.

Draco sat down in the empty seat in the row next to hers. "What gave you that idea?"

"Besides the fact that they're purple from the lack of oxygen, I heard you say 'blow'," she whispered, looking at him as if he was mental. She turned her attention back to Snape.

Damn. It didn't work. Granger, look at me! he commanded mentally as he stared at her out of the corner of his eye. She didn't turn around. Gran-ger... Come on, I know you want to look at me. Hermione!

She suddenly turned around and looked at him. He smirked back at her.

Hermione, Hermione, Hermione! He stopped. She sure had one hell of a weird name. What was it from? Oh, he can ask her later. Granger! Granger! Granger! Ahhh! Her frizzy hair made him want to tame it with his bare hands. Her fiery eyes made him want to put the fire out. ... That didn't make sense. She was driving him bonkers.

Snape slammed his book down.

"Potter! Stop whispering with Weasley!" he shouted.

Draco grinned. Ahh. There was nothing better than waking up to Potions class. Especially when Snape decided to yell at the oh so wonderful trio. What a wonderful class. There should be more like it.

Potter and Weasley merely glared at the professor.

"If I hear another word from you three," he looked at Granger suspiciously, "I will have to move you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Professor..." Granger said for the three of them.

Maybe she could sit next to him. Yes, that's it! She will sit next to him, and she will -have- to pay attention to him. Oh, genius, genius! He leaned over towards her. "Granger..."

She ignored him.

"Gran-ger."

Nope, she still wasn't paying attention. This was going to be harder than he thought.

"Gr-an-ger."

Was she deaf? It was time to bring out the heavy machinery now. The secret plan. THE plan. It was guaranted to work.

"Hermione!"

She turned her head. "Did you just say my name?"

Ah ha! It never failed. Okay, so this was the first time he had used it.

"Granger!" Snape said. "That's it, move, move, move! All three of you."

Potter and Weasley shot Granger a startled look. Oh, they must be mad at her for separating them. Boo hoo hoo. Then again, maybe he shouldn't have done that. ... Nah.

"There's an empty seat next to me," Draco called out as he purposely shoved Crabbe off the seat.

"I thought Mr. Crabbe was sitting there," Snape remarked.

"He moved."

"Ah. One of you, move over there!"

Please let it be her! His lust, oh, lust! Come over here, Frizzy Mama!

"Potter. Go."

Oh. Damn. Draco sighed disappointedly. Why did it have to be -Potter-? He wanted the frizzy hair queen, not this scared freak!

"Professor?"

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy?"

"Potter will mess up my potion. Can I perhaps have someone who won't -dare- mess it up?"

Snape eyed the silver-blond haired boy curiously. "Fine. Granger. You switch with Potter."

Success! Granger gave Draco the evil eye as she sat down next to him. He flashed her his I-hate-Gryffindors look, expecting her to faint. She only glowered at him. Ouch. She wasn't affected by him. Maybe she was homosexual! That would explain why she didn't faint to the ground! He smirked. Threesome, anyone?

Granger began to take notes. Why would anyone need to take notes? he briefly wondered. He looked at her hands. They were nice hands. Really nice hands. Who cares if she was a Mudblood or not? She had -nice- hands. Long, thin fingers, petite hands.
He shook his head. No more hands!

"So...Granger."

"Leave me alone," she said, scooting away from him.

"Hermione," he whispered smoothly.

She scooted against the wall.

He scooted closer to her.

"Malfoy, keep your hands to yourself."

"They are to myself." He wondered if her hair was as frizzy as it looked.

"Then keep them there." She turned her back towards him.

"Do you like my hair?" he asked randomly. He patted his hair. "Does it look okay?"

Granger turned back towards him. "Has anyone told you how -vain- you are? Leave me alone."

Draco only smirked. Of course he was vain. He could afford it. Not to mention he was Draco Malfoy. And besides, a little vanity never hurt anyone, now did it? Well, maybe Narcissus, but that was his own damn fault for looking at water instead of a mirror!

He looked at her again and wondered how their kids would look like. Bucked teeth kids with blond frizzy hair. Ew. He hoped that if he should ever decide to have kids with her that they should receive -his- genes. There was no way he was going to have bushes for children! Especially if they turned out like -her-! Their children should all be exact duplicates of him. He was going to wipe out the nasty Granger genes if it was the last thing he did. On second thought, they should inherit her brains. But that's it! Everything else would be strictly Malfoyish, no ands, ifs, or buts.

Draco sighed dreamily at her. He picked up his quill and placed it horizontally in his mouth, much like how a man doing the tango would with a rose. And he coughed.

She ignored him.

He scooted closer to her.

She wrote notes.

He moved his face to her paper.

She dipped her quill into the ink.

He gave a manly grunt.

"You know that your quill is probably infected with numerous things, right?" she asked as she wrote something down. "It might be a health hazard to put it in your mouth."

He was right! She -did- care about his health! Surely she must be in lust with him. After all, did she not warn him about getting some sort of bacteria because of the quill? It was women code, you see. Draco grinned-smirked. And being a male Malfoy, he was the greatest translator of women code ever!

"That means you want me!" he translated quite loudly.

Snape stared at the blond-haired boy, shaking his head every now and then. That boy was loosing it sooner than he thought he would. "Are you okay, Mr. Malfoy? Perhaps I should send you to the nurse."

"Oh, no, no, I was just talking to myself," Draco responded.

"You want yourself?"

Draco stood up. "Of course I do! I have this incredibly hot body, I have the money, I have the baby-fine hair, I have the indescribable eyes," he trailed off. "Who wouldn't want me?" He struck a pose.

The Gryffindors and Snape continued to stare blankly at Draco. Crabbe and Goyle were clapping politely. Pansy squealed. Blaise scowled. The unnamed Slytherins ignored him. And Hermione vehemently wished for Draco to become infected with rabies. Draco bowed and took his seat, grinning widely at the girl next to him.

"Malfoy?" she asked sweetly.

It worked! His ingenious plan worked! Oh, sweet, sweet God!

"Yes, snookums?"

She hit him with a book.

4.18.o3 - Wow, plot bunnies love me. -.-; I have two other stories, and look! Now I have this! I don't know what I'm going to be doing with this one at all... Lol. Maybe I'll work on it when I get author's block from the other two. Just to warn you: don't be expecting an update anytime soon.