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| **The scene fades in at a local medical centre, in Ontario, Canada home of future Nations Champion and hero to the masses, The Real F’N Deal Chris Matthews. Chris is sitting down in a chair, in the waiting room with many other patients waiting to be called in to see the doctor. Among them are the old, disable, female, and male people. Chris tugs at his lime green Armani shirt to kill time, easily frustrated he reaches to a table of magazines and rummages through the crappy out of date women’s magazine, picking up stuff on the way to study, as the cameraman watches from a distance** Chris: (picking up a magazine) Huh? What’s this? Women’s Weekly (reading front page) The Princess Of Wales Diana Spencer passed away. (Looking cross) Jesus how freakin’ old is that one? What else have we got here? (mumbling) home and gardening magazine, it magazine, Just 18…ooh Kris Cole would like that. I’ll steal it! Ok what else? Farmer’s weekly, health and beauty, door knobs monthly…ah ha! ** Chris face turns to a smile as he finds a magazine to read. The camera closes in to see what possibly could have made Chris happy. Knowing Chris I suspect its Playboy! ** Chris: the brand new Tidal Wave Wrestling magazine. I haven’t read this issue. Wonder if there’s any crap written about me? **Chris flicks through the pages containing columns, profiles, interviews, cartoons, poster, when Chris comes across the letters section. ** Chris: (reading from magazine) Dear CorX, If you are God then how come you don’t have a church, from Jake in Dallas, Texas. The A.W.O.L idiot replies…Hey Jake f—k you. I say I need a church to be a god. If anything is a church it’s a wrestling ring where you come and worship the ground I walk on. NO, NO, NO No chance CorX wrote that, if he was gonna write a response it would be… Dear Jake, I am freakin’ masked idiot who is soooo ugly when I stuck my head outta a window I was arrested for mooning! Oops I’m getting my @ss kicked I’m gonna run home to my mum, and speaking of my mum she’s soooo dumb she went to Dr. Dre for a blood test! Wait what’s this? Prediction for Lightning by editor Ryan Smith. " In the main event I think Chase and Graduate will win, as they hold titles and America’s Most Wanted don’t" **Chris face becomes extremely pissed off. So much so you’d think it was that time of the month! But Chris spots the camera and waves it over, so he can say his piece. ** Chris: Titles or no title my @ss. I doesn’t matter who has gold around their waists or not, the fact of the damn matter is this: It’s who will be holding the gold after the ppv is over and done with. And you can better your house, your kids, your wife, your lifesaving, hell the whole world That AMERICA’S MOST WANTED Shall hold the gold. But we need a little warm up to get ourselves fighting fit, and who better to face, than the has been paper champion Shawn Chase and one half of Tweedledum and Tweedledee… The Graduate Now what I don’t like about this situation is that there will be a special guest referee and we all know that everyone and their brother are out to screw me. I lost two matches because of protecting an innocent boy from a spider, and testing for cocaine. Just wait until the 31st December when I’m named the humanitarian of the year for my works. Anyway lets get onto to the first of the leather wearing trio The Living In The Past Shawn Chase. Look Chasey boy, I won’t bet about the bush…you suck more d—k than that $2 whore of a mother you got in the ring. Your wrestling skills are poor AT BEST. Your mic skills, well I won’t humiliate you on that front but lets just say I’d rather listen to Linda McMahon discuss toothpicks than listen to you speak. HAVE YOU SEEN THE RATINGS WHEN YOU’RE ON? Yeah they’re pretty high but that’s only because you’ve bored everyone into a coma. I was worried of taken an overdose of pep pills, just so I could hear you finish your promos. Have you noticed that in Britain and Canada suicide rates are down, yet ever since you’ve taken the mic they’ve risen as people don’t won’t you to bore them anymore than anyone could possible do. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had a person come up to me, and BEG for me to break your neck or slit your throat so you could never talk again, I’d have enough money to but out Martin Swift and own this company. Instead I’m gonna do the next best thing…I’m gonna beat you like the dog your girlfriend is, in front of the thousand in attendance, and the millions watching at home, just to prove why I am THE GREATEST Next up on my insult list is The Graduate. Can I ask you a question? Do you and Carlos think you are Shaggy and Scooby? Oh the mad cap adventures you must have had in that Haunted House, you never know what might of happened there people…oh yeah I do I’m willing to predict it went like this: Graduate: Gee Scoob I-I mean Carlos I sure hope that no ghost come get. Carlos: Yonks I think I see a ghost Graddy. Graduate: Like lets get outta here Chris Then imagine when the two clowns caught the ghost Graduate: Lets un-mask him and find out his true identity. Carlos: My god it’s Miguel Why did you do it? Miguel: I done it to get back at you for firing me. And I would of done it two if it wasn’t for you pesky kids. Chris (smiling) All you need is E.O.E to make a cameo and say jinkes and you have a perfect Scooby Doo episode. The problem is I hate Scooby Doo. I would like to put a gun against Scrappy Doo’s head and blow it away. And just because you done a Scooby Doo effort I’m gonna kick your @ss an extra 10% harder. You can’t tell can you because either way I’m gonna seriously hurt you, and that’s the nice way of putting it. Graduate take a good long look at Carlos. And then think…Carlos used to be a talented wrestler, he could have been EWA World Champion, but oh dear sorry to kill your dream Graduate but I was the champion and I killed his career, don’t think I don’t have to bottle to do it, because Jake West questioned me, and is now in a neck brace retired from wrestling. LIGHTNING CAN STRIKE MORE THAN TWICE Finally onto the burrito boy himself, Mr. Spanish amigo himself Carlos De Angelo. To quote the song "Bitch Please II" on Enimem’s album. "You don’t really wanna f—k with me" I think the lyrics speak louder than anything I could say, but remember how you got that back injury, remember the ladder you feel from, remember your spine crushing, REMEMBER ME BEATING YOU 1…2…3 IAM A DANGEROUS MOTHER F—KER AND IF YOU TICK ME, MY TANK IS ON EMPTY. Carlos don’t bother showing on Lightning as it will only harm you in the end. ** Chris takes a sip outta a glass of water to calm his nerves** Voiceover: Would a Mister Christopher James Matthews please come to Doctor Watkins for your check for worms. I repeat would Mister Christopher James Matthews please see Dr. Watkins for your check for worm. Thank you **The sweat dripping down Chris’s face is noticeable, as his face goes red, he tugs his collar nervously. He looks around in embarrassment. Before punching the cameraman causing the camera to break and shatter to black. ** Always give credit to The Real F'N Deal Chris Matthews and Tidal Wave Wrestling when using this news. |
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