He's a monster. Without the bloody soul, my sire is a monster. Slutty and her friends think that they know Angelus, but they don't. Granted, he was around for those few months after he lost the soul, but that wasn't *my* sire. My sire was a glorious man, violent and passionate. He was what a vampire should be.

He was a monster, his rage was tangible. It was a glorious time when Angelus and I were together. We would kill, shag, drink…whatever we wanted to do. It didn't matter. He loved me, and I loved him.

It was the one thing that made him different. He could love. He taught me what love was. Granted, it wasn't a normal love, but it was love. And that made that monster more tolerable. I loved him.

I still love him.

Fate took him away from me. I was so angry when he left. Of course, I thought he was dead for a century. My heart ached when he left. I went on a bloody rage. He would have been proud.

And then Dru and I found him in Sunnydale. He had a soul.

Fate gave him the soul. And now, with that soul, he has to atone. I can't…I can't be with him. There is no way his soul can accept me, or what we once had.

I know he has to do what he has to do.

But that doesn't mean I won't stop loving him.

I can't bloody let him go. I never could. I tried, I did. I left Sunnydale, took Dru away from him. Of course, in the process, I lost Dru.

But that never hurt as much as loosing my Sire did.

His soul is constantly there, I can feel it when I'm around him. I can feel Angelus underneath, straining to get away, to claim me as his. The soul makes him push me away. I know the demon rages against his cage when I'm around.

And for that, Peaches hates me.

It hurts. I want to be near him always. Some nights, while I lie there in that crypt alone, I have to hold myself back from going to LA to be with him. I was half way there one night, until I realized he'd either laugh in my face or stake me. I have to keep myself busy, so I don't dwell…

I think that's why I haven't stopped helping the Scooby Gang. Somehow, in my head, I know that helping them might make me look better to him.

I do what I have to do. I would take him, soul and all, if only I could have him again.

I don't know how to let him go. No matter what I do, who I shag, it's always Angelus in the back of my mind. He's the one that I love, and will always love. All of eternity. I would devote it to him in a non-existent heartbeat.

It's true. I only bloody exist for him. He put me here, he is the proverbial father I never had. He was the best lover I've ever had.

The love I feel for him, it's gut wrenching. It's deep in my belly, burning slowly. I know that it will never be extinguished.

I love my Sire.

I love Angelus.

I don't know how to let him go, and I bloody well know that I never will.