I went to Willy's.  I wanted to go out and slay my heart out, but that was
Buffy's deal.  I would have probably gotten eaten, and I would have died, my
mother thinking I was gay.  I couldn't understand why it bothered me so
much, I never cared what my mother thought of me.   She was a bitter old
woman.

I didn't really drink anything at the bar, just sat there, watching the ice
dance around in my drink.  I wasn't gay.  I *knew* I wasn't gay.  If I were
gay, another man would attract me, right?  I'd never been attracted to
another man.

Ok, there was Angel, but that was a different story.  He was a big guy;
tall, dark and handsome.  That was like a woman noticing another woman was
beautiful.  Cordelia used to tell me other women were beautiful all the
time.  So there are no worries there.  I'm not gay because I thought Angel
was attractive.

Whew!  I was worried there for a minute.

"Hey, mate," a sullen voice said, sitting beside me.

I glanced over, knowing whom it was by A) the blonde hair, B) the smell of
leather and cigarettes, and C) the voice, of course.  "I'm not gay."  Great,
Harris.  Just tell Spike all your troubles.  I was sure he'd get a great
laugh out of them before running off to tell my friends I was gay.  I
groaned, thumping my forehead on the bar.

"That's nice, Harris.  I hate Harm.  Tell me again why I went back to her?"

I looked up at him.  No laughing.  That was definitely unexpected.  "Uh. .
.sex?"

He nodded slowly, his eyes unfocusing for a minute as he thought about it.
"Right.  Shagging.  Always a good reason to take a stupid cow back.
Speaking of shagging, how's the ex-demon?  Only one of the lot of ya that I
can stand, what with her background in causing mayhem on the male population
at large."

"We broke up," I said.  "She thinks I'm gay."

Yep, tell him the whole story, why don't you?

An eyebrow rose on his forehead.  He was cute when he did the surprised
look.

Wait a minute - WHAT?

Where the hell did *that* come from?

Spike is *not* cute!  Not with those piercing blue eyes and that pale skin.
. .those full lips. . .

Oh my god.

I thumped my head on the bar again.  "She thinks I'm gay, cause I didn't
have sex with her for three days.  Three days, and she thinks I'm gay.  I
don't have the stamina of. . .of. . ."

"A vampire," he smirked, shifting on his barstool so he was close enough to
rub against my side.  "We could go forever if we wanted to."

Spike was touching me.  Great.  Spike was touching me and I was getting
*aroused*!  Damn Anya and her thinking I was gay!

I jumped off the stool.  "Happy for ya, Spike.  I gotta go."  As I ran out
of Willy's, I could hear him chuckling.  Bastard was making fun of me.

Jerk.

I went to the one place I knew I could go - to the one person that would
understand me.  The one person that always did.

~*~

"Xander!"

I loved the way Willow always lit up when I saw her.  We weren't that close
last year, after our whole senior year fiasco, but we had the *best*
summer - lots of great Willow and Xander time without our girlfriends.

"I was just thinking about you!" she exclaimed, ushering me into the room
she now shared with Tara.

"Really?" I asked, glancing around, wondering where her little witchy
girlfriend was.  I closed my eyes for a second, imagining Willow and Tara on
the very bed in front of me, completely naked, doing completely naked
things.

Oh, yea.

I'm not gay at all.

The thought still aroused me.

I laughed, turning to her.  "Thinking of the things me and you and Tara
could do?"  I waggled an eyebrow suggestively.

She blushed a furious red, like she did every time I teased her about the
three of us getting some action going.  She hit me playfully and I laughed.
She led me to the bed - the bed her and Tara did naked things on - and we
sat down.  "Shut up, Xander.  Your mom called me."

"*What?*" I asked with a strangled breath.  "Whatever she said, Wills, I
swear it's not true."

She frowned slightly.  "It was a bit garbled - she was drunk, imagine that -
but she mentioned something about Sally Jesse Raphael, you, a closet, and
finding that - and I'm quoting here - 'deliciously handsome foreign blonde
William something or the other that was hanging out with my Alexander for a
while'.  She wanted to know where to find Spike and I have to ask myself
why?"

I groaned, lying back on the bed.  "Wills. . .mom thinks I'm gay.  It all
started with this strange *move* Anya did the other night in bed."

By the time I was finished with my horror story, Willow was staring at me
with wide green eyes.  I could see the mirth dancing in them; I could tell
she was trying not to laugh at me.  Hell, I would have laughed, had it not
been me dealing with it.  "Wills. . ."I said dangerously.

She giggled slightly, then her face fell into that easy grin - the one that
only I see.  Tara might see it occasionally, but it was a Xander-specific
smile.  It was one of childhood friendships, secrets we would never tell
another soul, the comfortableness one has with the person you've known your
whole life.  "Xander, have you ever thought that maybe. . .you are?"

I sat up quickly, hurt and betrayed that Willow would *dare* suggest that
perhaps I was.  "W. . .Wills. . .how could you?  How could you think. . ."
I turned to her, tears filling my eyes.  "Willow, I'm *not* gay.  You should
*know* this!  I've been attracted to every single female that ever went to
Sunnydale High School!"

Willow rolled her eyes.  "I remember.  I was there."  She pushed on my
chest, making me lay back down on the bed.  She lay on her side beside me,
propping her head up with her hand.  "Ok," she said, looking down at me.  I
looked up at her.  "Have you ever thought that maybe. . .just maybe, you
are. . .bisexual?  It's obvious you like women.  Unless you are
overcompensating, but that's a different story."

"Over. . .huh?" I asked, frowning.  Overcompensating?  What the hell would I
be overcompensating for?

"Have you ever wondered *why* you want just about every girl that walks by?
You are so *upset* by the thought that you may be gay that you are going
overboard on the other end of the scale, to prove to the world - and
yourself - that you like women."

Where does Willow get all her knowledge?  If I believed that I was gay, I
would have thought that was a pretty good reason as to why I fell in love
with every girl I met.

But of course, since I wasn't gay, that was just some psycho-babble she
learned in Dr. Walsh's class last semester.

"No, that's just a bunch of psychologist's mumbo jumbo," I nodded.

"Ok.  No overcompensation.  Do you think you are bi?"

I laughed, brushing her off.  "Bi people don't really exist, Wills.  You
either like men, or you like women.  Ain't no switchin' teams here," I said,
looking up at her.

She raised an eyebrow.  "I loved Oz as much as I love Tara."

Ouch.

"Ok, so *you* might be bisexual, but that doesn't mean I am."  I turned away
from her, on my side.  I wasn't gay.  I wasn't bisexual.  I was just a
normal straight guy, stuck in an insane situation, all because of Anya and
her funky moves.

I was sure the situation would blow over and I would find another woman and
things would be fine.  Things were always fine.

"Xander, you and I are a lot more alike than you might think," she murmured.

"Nope.  Not happening."

She sighed behind me.  "Fine."  We laid there quietly, just listening to
each other breathing, ignoring the silence, when she spoke again.  "Spike is
hot, don't you think?"

"Of course not.  I'm not gay."  We were both quiet, and I knew that she knew
that I had noticed him, once I realized just how gay I *wasn't*, and she
knew that I was lying.  "Promise you won't tell anyone?" I murmured.

"I'm your best friend, Xander.  Nothing you say will leave this room.  Not
even Tara will find out."

I rolled back over so I was on my back, staring at her ceiling.  She was on
her back beside me.  She took my hand, squeezing it gently, letting me know
that she was there for me, that she would always be there for me.

If there was one thing in the world that I'd finally gotten through my thick
skull to appreciate, it was Willow Rosenberg.

"He has these. . .eyes," I said softly, closing my own.  I pictured his face
in my mind, ignoring the smile that graced my lips.  "They are piercing,
like they could cut you down with one look.  And yet, they can be filled
with. . .well, not that I've actually *seen* him looking like he was in
love, but I know they can be."

"He has those cheekbones," she murmured.

"Don't even get me started on the angular planes of his face," I said,
shaking my head.

I felt her watching me.  I turned my head and opened my eyes.  She had a
funny look on her face.  "What?" I asked with a frown.

" 'Angular planes of his face'?  Xand, that's not a very. . .jock macho man
thing to say. . "

"I'm not gay," I growled.

"Right, right, not gay," she nodded, as if she knew a secret that I didn't.
She smiled again, the same smile filled with comfort.

I blinked in shock, sitting up slowly.  I turned my body so I could look
down at her.  "You. . .you think I'm gay," I whispered.

My heart broke.  My best friend thought I was gay.  How could she think I
was gay?

"I always have, Xander.  At least, if not gay, but bisexual.  It explains
why you always fall for girls you have no chance with, or you subconsciously
know that the relationship won't work out.  Buffy, Cordelia. . .even Anya.
*And* you knew that if we would have gotten together, we would have stayed
together.  We know each other too well - we would probably make a great
couple.  And that scared you.  Because you want men," she said knowingly.

"No," I murmured, shaking my head.  "Don't. . .can't. . ."  I crossed my
arms and looked away from her.

She sat up behind me and put her chin on my shoulder.  She wrapped her arms
around my waist.  "Maybe you should find a guy, go out on a date with him.
Spike, maybe?"  I felt her shrug.  "Your mom seems to think you two would be
a great couple."  She snickered slightly.

"Hell no!  He wouldn't go out with me!  He's a demon!  Evil, and soulless,
and besides, he's dating Harmony!  Why would he want me instead of Harm?" I
asked turning around to look at her.

An eyebrow rose on her face.  She had that look, that 'I told you so' look
on her face.  I thought back over my response, my eyes widening.  "Oh, and
because I'm not gay!"

"Say it long enough and you might start believing it," Willow said softly.