To Be With Him
I turned over in my bed, sighing as a fresh wave of tears spilled on my cheeks. Everything was wrong, Jesse was gone, and Xander hadn't been at the funeral. I couldn't understand why Xander wasn't there. He and I talked last night and he said he'd meet me there. . .but he wasn't there.
Jesse was dead. . .he was the third musketeer. I didn't know how we were going to make it without him. Sure, we'd had plenty of years together without Jesse, but things were different now. I was in love with Xander. I mean, I'd always been in love with him, but now, that I was older, and could understand my emotions a little better. . .now I was *really* in love with him.
And it scared me to think that it would be just him and me.
Xander and I belonged together. That was just. . .common knowledge with my heart, I supposed. We made sense. I was the smart, nerdy one, and he was t he strong, goofy one - I was tense around people, he made people feel at ease. He complimented all of my not so strong points, and I complimented his. Together, we'd have been the perfect person.
But he didn't see that with the striking clarity that I did. He saw right past me, treated me like "one of the guys". I assumed, that as time passed, it would get easier, but it didn't. Every day, it hurt worse.
And why the hell wasn't he at Jesse's funeral!?
A knock at my window startled me. I turned in bed and blinked through a haze of tears. My heart lurched. It was him! It was Xander!
I slipped out of bed and threw on a robe, going to the French Doors. I opened them, gasping silently. My heart picked up and I pulled my robe tightly around my body as a chill went through me. He was more beautiful than I think I've ever seen him. Tight black jeans, a white tee shirt, and a black leather jacket was his outfit - much different than the loud brightly colored baggy clothes he normally wore. "Xander," I whispered, tears coming to my eyes again. "Where were you today? You missed Jesse's funeral!"
"I. . .I couldn't be there," he said, looking away. "I tried, Wills, I did. . ."
His voice was different. Gruffer than usual. Come to think of it, he seemed a little paler than usual too. "X. . .Xander? Xander, what's wrong with you? You are. . .different."
He turned back to me, his fathomless russet eyes sparkling with something I' ve never seen before. Something. . .that made me shiver. It was scary, it was almost like a darkness that I didn't know Xander had. That's when it clicked. Everything had finally come to head with his parents. They probably forbade him to go to the funeral and he exploded, hopefully beating the hell out of his dad.
"Did you kill him?" I hissed.
Now, I was not normally a violent person, but somewhere, deep in my heart, I enjoyed the idea of hurting his parents, making them suffer for all of the things that they did to him growing up.
"Kill who, love?" he asked. I could see his hand flexing, like he wanted. . .to touch me.
I blinked. Why did he want to touch me? And why did he call me 'love'? "Xander?"
"Can I come in, Wills? I have to tell you what I did today."
I backed away from the door, crossing my arms. "Xander, you know you are always welcome here. You don't even have to ask." I turned and walked towards my desk, sitting in my chair with my back to him.
The room grew unnaturally silent, and I turned, seeing him still standing outside my doors. "Xander, you can come in," I said, rolling my eyes. "What, do you need an official invitation now?" I knew I was being sarcastic, but there was something about him that was putting me on edge - something that made me want him more than I'd ever wanted him before. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing, that he was alone in my room that night. It was quite possible that I would be stupid and tell him how I feel. . .
I froze when I felt his hands on my shoulders. He was massaging them gently. "So tense," he murmured. "Why are you tense, Wills? It's only me. . .your dearest, best friend in the whole world. . ."
"You are different," I whispered.
"A little, yes."
I glanced up in the mirror, blinking in mild shock. I was there, but Xander. . .wasn't. Confusion marred my features. "Xander?" He was there, I could feel him behind me, his hands massaging my shoulders. But he wasn't in the mirror. . .like he didn't exist. "Xand, what's going on?"
He pulled me up and turned me around, smiling that smile that was reserved only for me. The goofy one, eyes playful and dancing. . .the one that I only saw. "You know, Wills, once upon a time, there was this pretty girl with hair like fire and eyes like emeralds."
I blinked, reaching up to wipe my tears away. He caught my hand and pulled it to his mouth, kissing my knuckles. The feeling of his soft lips on my skin sent a jolt of electricity through my body. Why was he doing this to me? Why was he confusing me? He ran the fingertips of his other hand against my cheek, catching my tears.
He brought his hand to his lips and tasted my tears. "So salty," he murmured, "filled with pain. Sorrow. You miss Jesse?"
"And you," I whispered. I had no idea what had happened to the Xander I knew, but I was innately aware that this one wasn't mine.
"But I'm better now, Wills. Stronger, more powerful. . .smarter." He pulled away and went to my bed, sitting down. He pulled his jacket off and I inhaled sharply, nibbling on my bottom lip. His tee shirt fit tightly across his broad shoulders, framed his chest in a way only a woman who adored him could enjoy.
"How?" I asked, looking up to meet his eyes.
They danced with mischievousness, happiness. I hadn't seen his eyes look that happy in a long, long time. Not since we were children and I'd given him a fire truck on his eighth birthday to make up for the one he didn't get on his seventh birthday. Though somehow, I think he still thought I'd made the house down the street from his burn a day or so later so he could see the fire trucks. For a long time, I thought I did. I remember going to bed that night, praying and hoping that Xander could have his fire trucks.
"It's an incredible story, Wills. You wouldn't believe me."
I went to sit by him. "Nonsense. I believe everything you tell me, no matter how bizarre and out there your stories are."
"Jesse came to me last night," he said, turning to me. "He has a new friend. Her name is Darla. She's. . .older." His goofy grin threatened to spill over his lips.
"What?" I asked, confused. "Jesse is dead, Xander. . .how. . .how did he come to you? Was he a ghost?" My heart picked up at the thought, that Jesse's spirit was wandering around Sunnydale, alone and lost.
And why hadn't he come to see me?
"No, he's alive. Well, as alive as he can be, anyway." He smirked.
I frowned. "I. . .I don't understand, Xander. He's dead. I. . .I saw the body." I shivered involuntarily, remembering how pale he was, how lifeless he appeared, how much it hurt to see him not living anymore.
Xander wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. I shivered again, more this time from the coolness radiating from his body. I put my hand on his chest, realizing just how cold he was. "Xander, you must be freezing!" I exclaimed. I pulled out of his embrace and stood up, grabbing his leg. I sat down in my chair and untied his boot, pulling it off of his foot. I reached down and did the same thing with his other boot.
He was watching me, amused. "And what exactly are you doing, Wills?"
"Gotta warm you up," I said softly. "You are too cold. I don't want you to get sick." I had no idea what I was doing. I was trying to make sense of everything I'd seen and heard since he'd gotten there. He didn't show up in the mirror, Jesse came to his house with some older girl named Darla. . . "Why didn't Jesse come to see me?" I asked, feeling my lip quivering. I was going to cry, I could feel it. One of my best friends was still alive and he didn't even bother to come tell me.
"I asked him not too. He wanted to, wanted you to meet Darla. But I wanted to see you first. Darla said she didn't mind, she'd wait to meet you. She wants to meet you."
I frowned. "She. . .does?" I shrugged slightly, not understanding why Jesse's new woman wanted to meet me. "That's. . .cool, I guess." I grabbed Xander's hand and pulled him up, pulling my covers down. I pushed him back down on the bed, lifting his legs onto the bed, then pushing him back. I pulled the covers over him while he watched me, amused. "Do. . .you want something to drink?"
His eyes focused on my neck for a moment before he licked his lips. "Later," he said, his husky voice sending a jolt of electricity through my body.
"O. . .ok," I whispered. I ran my fingers through my hair and started to turn away from the bed, only to be stopped by him grabbing my wrist. I turned my head to look over my shoulder. "What do you need, Xander?"
"You."
I blinked in shock, my knees going weak. I was misreading it, I knew I was. He didn't mean he needed *me*, he meant he needed me to do something for him. Right? "R. . .Really? And. . .uh. . .what do you need me to do?"
He laughed, sitting up on his elbows. "So innocent," he purred. "How I want to taste you, taste the innocence. . ."
My knees buckled and I gasped, feeling an almost unfamiliar heat rush my body, a wetness pooling between my thighs. I only felt this way late at night, after all the lights are turned off, and I allow myself to imagine what it would be like to be under him. "X. . .Xander, you aren't yourself. I think you might be scaring me."
"Or arousing you?" he smirked, sniffing the air. "I can smell it, your arousal. It's thick now. . .imagining what it would be like to be with me. . .to hold me as I slide in and out of you. . ."
I tentatively sniffed the air. I didn't smell anything. "Xander, what are you talking about?"
"Willow, lay down with me," he said, his voice leaving no room for disagreement.
I *knew* that was a bad idea, the way my body was responding to him, the way he was flirting with me. . .I was liable to attack him right then and there. Well, if I could get the courage up to do it. "I. . .I can't. I can sleep in the guest bedroom. . ." I started to turn away again and he tugged on my wrist, causing me to crash down on top of him. I froze, closing my eyes. The only thing separating him and I from lying on top of each other - other than our clothes - were the comforter and sheets of my bed.
"Don't be scared," he murmured in my ear, his cool breath caressing me, causing shivers to run up and down my spine.
"I'm. . .not scared." But I was lying, my voice was trembling, tears were streaming down my face. I was scared of who he'd become, and how he was making me feel. These feelings were reserved for my dreams, not for reality. As much as I wanted Xander Harris, I knew that I would never have him, he just didn't see me that way. And now, there he was, trying to seduce me. My eyes flew open. "Are you trying to seduce me?" I asked.
"Depends," he chuckled. "Is it working?"
"No," I said, jutting my chin out proudly. "I won't sleep with you. I won' t allow myself to do that, because in the morning, you will go back to your normal self and freak out. I won't let you hurt me like that."
"You do love me," he smiled knowingly.
My eyes flew to his. "What?" I whispered softly. "How. . .how did you know?" My bottom lip quivered and tears filled my eyes. I thought I'd kept that locked away, that he would never know, that I had kept that secret close to my heart.
He shrugged slightly. "Knew when I woke up today. Wanted to come see you. See if it was true." He wiggled out from under me. "Willow, get under the covers with me, please? I promise I won't take advantage of you. I'll be a good boy. It can happen, you know. I can be good."
And yet, I could see the darkness lurking in his eyes, telling me that he wasn't being completely truthful. However. . .at this point, I almost wanted him to seduce me. Even though things would be wrong the next morning, I still wanted him. . .
"Fine," I said, standing up. He got out of bed. "Where are you going?" I asked, sliding into bed. He was leaving. I knew he was. He was heading for the doors, and he was leaving. I turned away, not wanting him to see me cry. Damn it! He got me all worked up and he was leaving.
I heard the swoosh of the curtains covering my French Doors. I didn't turn around though. I could hear the rustle of his jeans as he pulled them off, followed by the shirt he wore. Still, I didn't turn around. He slid into bed with me, pressing his cool body against mine, spooning me. Only then did I turn my head. "Xander?"
"Had to shut the curtains," he murmured. "Didn't want to wake up to the sun beating down on me."
I turned over, my leg brushing against his own bare leg. He was wearing only silk boxers. "Xander, what are you doing here?"
"I want you, Wills. I want to be with you, always."
I shivered slightly, enjoying the way his words rolled over me, how they made me feel, how they made the heat within me burn a little brighter. "You know I will," I murmured.
He pulled me closer to him. "Let's sleep, Wills."
I yawned slightly, the events of the day catching up to me. "I could do that." I pressed against him, closing my eyes. I surrendered to sleep.
~*~
A knock on my door woke me up. I moaned slightly, stretching. "What?" I asked softly.
"Willow? Honey?"
My eyes flew open when I realized that Xander was in my bed and my *mother* was outside my door. Sure, when Xander and I were kids, it was ok to sleep together, but now, we were fifteen years old. My dad was sure to kick him out of the house forever. "Mom. . .hang on, I. . ." I turned over, tears filling my eyes. Xander was gone. My heart dropped. He was gone. "Come in," I replied softly.
Sheila walked in. "Willow, are you ok?"
"No," I replied sullenly. "Mom, Jesse is dead, and Xander. . ." I covered my face, my sobs overtaking me.
She sat on the bed and pulled me into her arms, trying to do the comforting mother thing that she really wasn't that comfortable with. She shifted slightly, trying to find a position that she could hold me in. Finally, I just pulled out of her arms. "I just. . .I want to be alone, mom."
She stood up and walked to my French Doors. "You should open the curtains, Willow. Let the sunlight in."
I yelped slightly when I felt *something* hit my bed from underneath, almost as if a person punched the mattress. "Willow?" my mother asked, turning around.
"Mom, no, don't open the curtains. Depressed. I. . .I like it dark."
She shrugged. "Fine. Your father and I will be downstairs if you need us." She turned and walked out, giving as much motherly affection as she was capable of.
I leaned over the bed and pulled the duster up. Xander grinned at me from underneath it. "Thanks for not letting her open the curtains, Wills."
"Xander!" I hissed. "I thought. . .I thought you were gone." My heart soared that he'd stayed, that he was still there with me in my time of need.
"I told you I wanted you forever, didn't I, Wills? That means not running when the parental unit comes in." He crawled out from under the bed and stretched.
I gasped softly, looking over his body. He was beautiful. He was a lot paler than I remembered, which was odd. I knew that Xander tanned nicely. I bit my bottom lip, watching the muscles in his chest ripple. He grinned down at me, licking his lips. "Wills. . .I'm hungry. . ."
"I can. . .I can get food," I whispered weakly. I was in danger here, danger of attacking him, of making my intentions truly known. I didn't want that, I didn't want him to know how I felt about him. I knew he'd turn me down. . .
"Willow, I want you."
I looked up at him, blinking my eyes. "To do what?" I asked softly, a heat filling my body. He couldn't possibly be asking what I always wanted him to ask, he couldn't be proposing that we lay on my childhood bed and make love. That just *didn't* happen to me. Not to little nerdy Willow Rosenberg. Not with someone as wonderful as Xander Harris.
"To lay back."
"Why?" I asked, laying back without thinking about it. I always did was Xander asked, without even giving it a second thought. It was my nature, to do things that pleased him. I liked it when he was happy.
"Because I'm going to make love you, Willow. Can you handle that?"
My heart stopped.
My heart literally stopped, and I gasped for air, blinking in shock. "You. . .you. . .what?" I whispered.
He stretched out on top of me, gently. "I want to make love to you, Willow. Can I? Can I take that which you have saved for your Knight in Shining Armor? I know that he's not me, but I will do the best I can. . ." he murmured, his lips brushing softly against my cheek.
I closed my eyes, a soft moan leaving my lips. "God, Xander, please," I begged. "I've always. . .always wanted it to be you. I wanted you to be my first. . ."
"I want to be your only," he whispered, his dark brown eyes meeting mine.
I gulped at the emotions that I saw in his eyes. "Ok," I said meekly.
~*~
I cried out softly, consciously trying to keep my noise down. I didn't want my parents to burst into my room and see my best friend, the only person that's stood by my side since I was four, the person that I would give everything and anything to, lying naked on top of me, making me feel waves and waves of dizzying pleasure.
"Wills," he purred, licking my neck. He had a fascination with my neck, often licking me there, nibbling on the skin.
"Xander," I keened, thrusting my hips up against him, our pelvises meeting in bliss.
He reached between us, brushing his thumbnail along my clit. I started to shudder, feeling the impending orgasm I knew I was about to have. My first orgasm, and he was about to be the cause of it. I closed my eyes, wanting to commit this to memory, in case he realized how much this was a mistake, how much he didn't like the way I looked as he laid above me, driving into me, taking my virginity and everything I was, taking it for his own.
"I was serious when I said I wanted you forever. Can I?" he asked. "Can I have you forever?"
"I've always been yours," I purred, clutching his shoulders tightly.
"Good," he purred.
I felt two things at once.
Him twisting my clit, causing me to crash into an earth shattering orgasm, and his teeth - which were suddenly very sharp - slipping into my neck.
I screamed his name at the intensity of the moment, my entire world crashing around me, then reforming in the image of him. He was everything to me, and I knew at that moment, as he suckled my neck, that I would never ever be with another man. I could never be with another man, no one could ever complete me the way Xander Harris did.
I blinked suddenly, realizing that I was slowly starting to see spots. "Xander," I whispered, not feeling right. Something was wrong. I was gasping for air, but instead of feeling like I was coming down from a great orgasm, I felt like I was dying. "Xander. . .stop. . ." I murmured, pushing at his chest.
I could almost feel the blood rushing out of my neck, which made no sense.
Until he lifted his head and smirked at me.
I blinked, a haziness filling my vision. "Oh, my god," I whispered, my heart pumping wildly, trying to keep the blood in my body.
He had fangs. Amber eyes and ridges completed the scary face that had been my best friend moments before. He frightened me, and yet, everything made sense. I didn't know what he was, but I knew that he wasn't my Xander anymore. . .he was something. . .someone else. "Xander," I whispered, blinking, trying to fight off the blackness.
I was dying.
I clutched him tightly, feeling him still sliding in and out of me, still making love to me. I was dying, and he had fangs and he was making love to me still.
"Xander, I don't. . .don't want to die," I whispered, closing my eyes.
His voice was soft at my ear. "I promised you that you'd be with me forever, Wills," he whispered.
I felt his wrist press against my lips, his thick blood seeping between my lips. < Vampire, > my mind whispered, recognizing the embrace I'd seen in so many horror movies he and Jesse had made me watch growing up.
As I opened my mouth to drink from my best friend, my new lover, everything made sense with a powerful clarity. He didn't show up in the mirror, he didn't want the sun to come into my room, he wasn't at the funeral - which was during the day. . .Jesse came to see him. . .
My dying heart soared with the knowledge that I would be with Xander and Jesse forever - that we would always exist, together.
My eyes fluttered, and I gasped slightly, taking my last few breaths. "Love you," I murmured. "Love you for eternity."
My world went black.
END