~*~ ~October 12, 2000~ **Personal Journal of Alexander LaVelle Harris** Willow told me I could use her laptop to write down my thoughts, so I figured that I would. It's been a couple of months now, since we had to watch a demon enter her body and fight her soul tooth and nail. She's better. . .she doesn't have as much trouble with it now. She always has been strong. But I see it sometimes, when she thinks no one is watching her, how she struggles with it. It. . .hurts me. It aches that I can't help her. She is my best friend in the entire world, and I can't help the battle inside of her. Xand and I have become much closer over the last month. He is involved with Deadboy, as am I, but. . .I still haven't gotten myself worked up enough to fool around with him. The thought of. . .it's just too disturbing, shagging someone who looks like me. And he does. Look exactly like me, you know. We've led dramatically different lives since he's been turned, but before that, we were basically the same person. Same memories. . .same everything. He's almost like my twin. I never had a brother before. . . Angel and I are closer than we've ever been. I love him. I do. I didn't think that I would actually fall in love with him, but I did. He is gentle with me, when I need it, holding me when I cry over Willow. And then when I need the roughness, he's there. I'm sitting on the bed now, watching Willow sleep beside me. She's peaceful, not breathing, her hair spread out over the pillow. She looks. . .serene. Like an angel. It's strange, knowing that my best friend's heart doesn't beat anymore, that she drinks the substance that keeps us alive. She sometimes has a hard time drinking the blood. . . Spike is good for her. He teaches her how to deal with being a vampire, and Angel teaches her how to deal with having the soul. All in all, I think she will be ok. Sometimes, when it's just me and her, or me and her and Spike, she lets the demon out, and it's truly amazing. She is beautiful - she's always been beautiful, but when her eyes are on the verge of turning yellow, when I can see the evil wanting to break free and run rampant. . .she gets playful - very *very* sexual. Spike laughs about it when she stalks me, prowling across the room like I'm a piece of meat, and she just wants to. . .just eat me up. I have no doubts that she would, if I'd let her. I press against the wall and fumble and act embarrassed and tell her that I like men, don't need a woman, and all of that. She pouts and turns away, but always tells me, "If you ever change your mind. . ."' I'm curious. I've thought about it, more than once. Angel said that we are one big happy family, that he wouldn't be upset if it happened. Willow usually doesn't sleep with anyone else, because Spike is far too possessive of her, but I know that she's been with Spike and Angel, and with Spike and Xand. I think about it, but I don't know if I could. I'm already sleeping with one vampire. Cordelia thinks we are all insane, but she accepts it. We've fixed our friendship. Gunn, her boyfriend, is great. He's so cool, right off the streets. He and Wesley bicker like siblings, because they are so different. Wesley wants everyone to like him, and Gunn just wants to kick someone's ass. It's funny to watch the two of them. I go out with Cordelia and Gunn and Wesley a lot. It's nice, you know? To just surround myself with humans for a while. I'm in a family of five (myself included), and all of the other four are vampires, two with souls, one with a chip, and one that is me. We are definitely the odd bunch. But it's all going to be all right. Angel is going to embrace me in a couple of years, so I can live out eternity with them. I'll have a soul, because I really don't want to be without one. We don't talk to the Slayer anymore. She's completely cut us off from her life. Giles calls ever so often, but other than that, we are completely part of the LA crew. And that's fine with me. At least here, I'm important, and loved. Who knows what I was there? So that's pretty much all I have for this entry. I guess I'll catch ya tomorrow. . .tonight should be interesting. We are going to that karaoke bar Cordelia's been telling me about. . .something about a big green demon dude that's hurting for some Angel-lovin'. Xand and I are planning on setting him straight, letting him know that we are the only two that get Angel-lovin'. Always, Xander End ~*~*~*~Email the author!