Even Cowboys have feelings
By Liana
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Next chapter (Selphie)
I stood in the center of the training field, eyes narrowed, ready. I waited, hand in a tight hold of Exeter. There isn't any feeling remotely like the one you get as you stand waiting for danger, knowing of it's presence and craving it. Wanting it. Danger is one of the most exhilarating things one will ever feel in their life: the sweet rush of adrenaline, the brutal state of mind your brain takes at all your thoughts turn to the battle and nothing else. Danger . . . And it was REALLY cool when there's a handy little button right next to where you stand that calls a doctor to comes save you if you get hurt. Plus there were two beautiful, sexy, erotic . . . well, all around HOT girls staring at you. Heh. Okay, so maybe the aspect of "danger" didn't appealing to me as much as "showing off" did. But don't tell anyone I said that. But I digress. Here I am, standing with my gun cocked in my left hand (no, not THAT gun. Although those two ladies where preparing it . . .). And there are no monsters coming my way. So I did something that was KINDA stupid. I mean, not exactly stupid but just sorta . . . well, stupid. I shot my gun in the air to attract some Grats my way. The Grats came. Loads and loads of them. Plus three T-rexaurs. Oh crap. Kinneas, you FOOL! You're going to scare the girls off! Or maybe not . . . Maybe they'll be too frozen in fear to move! And then they'll see their big strong knight in shining cowboy hat arise to the scene, saving them! Then they'll come and both give him kisses, one on each side, then the knight will take them back to his room and . . . Hehe. Enough of that, Irvine, a Grat is right behind you! I turned, saw where his head is. Automatic responses flew through me. Shoot with you full body, not just your arm. Aim with your elbow, not the wrist, it'll absorb the shock of the shot better. Don't aim for one monster, look at it and memorize it's movements, lightening quick. Embed it in your mind's eye, Irvine, then shoot it while looking at your next enemy. Is there a way to kill both of them at once? Calculate it all in that mathematical little mind of yours, Irvine, yes. Hear the noise behind you? Don't bother turning, just shoot behind your back! There, the Grats scream! You murdered it, no! Yes! C'mon, Kinneas, no time for THAT! It was just a monster! Hear that? SHOOT! Hehe. No more monsters. Damn! Where'd those girls go? ***** "Hey, Quisty!" I was in the cafeteria, hoping those too girls would be there. No such luck. I had to say sorry to them! Not ONLY because they would think I'm a sweet and wonderful guy, but because I sincerely felt sorry for scaring them. But, hey, Quistis is here! Annoying Quisty is an opportunity you NEVER pass up! The strawberry blonde looked at me disgustedly. I mean, more disgusted at me then she normally looked at me . . . "What's up? You look angry. I could help you relax," I said, winking at her, and positioned myself behind her. I started to rub her shoulders, but her hand flew out behind her and swatted at me. "I don't want to deal with you." Oooh, she was REALLY pissed. I can tell when Quistis is angry to the point she wants to kill me. It's not like I leave her alone . . . She needs to vent her anger, badly. That woman is so tense! That's why I purposely provoke her. I'm smarter then one would think . . . "Hey, hey, hey! Quisty, I just want to know what's wrong with you." "Leave, Irvine! Don't you have ANY empathy at all? Sometimes, Irvine, people actually DO mean "Go away" when they say so, damnit!" She stood up and began to walk away. I blocked her path. "And sometimes when people say 'I know you're tense and I really care about you so I'd like to know what's going on,' they actually mean that, too." She stared at me. I stared at her. We stared at eachother. "This is going anywhere." "Nope." "Irvine, let me leave!" "Nope." Quistis sighed. "Look, Irvine, I . . ." Yes, she was going to open up to me! Finally . . . A heart-to-heart with my sis. Then Squall walked in. He stared at her. She stared at him. It was a LOT different then me and Quistis's looks. Oh. So that's how it is. Shit. ***** I stormed into my room, locking the door. Why, I don't know . . . It wasn't like Quistis or Squall followed me or anything. Irvine will be okay. Irvine's always okay. Yeah. Right. Irvine has problems too. Irvine was alone for the majority of his life. The happiest times of my life was when I remembered my time at the orphanage. I had a family back then. People who knew and loved me. Matron, Cid, Seifer, Zell, Squall, Quisty, Sefie, Sis. I was Irvy. We played together and fought with each other. We hated each other and loved each other. Like siblings. Close . . . At least, that's what I thought. I thought the others felt the same way; we were a family, we were friends; we were closer then close. We loved each other; loved each other in a way much deeper and more sophisticated then romantic love. We didn't need romantic love. Our love was perfect . . . Hell, to me, making out with Selphie, Quistis, or Ellone would be like incest. That was my world. That's what I knew. And then I lost my family . . . I was lonely. No one wanted to hang with Irvine and Galbadia Garden. I was that egotistic guy shooting things. I hit on anything that was female and moved. I had acquaintances, but no friends. And then, I found my family again. I cannot begin to describe the ecstasy I felt that night at Trabia. Here was my family; the end of my loneliness. Or so I thought . . . Family my ass. I'm not completely with out empathy. I know that look Quistis and Squall gave to eachother. That was love. Pure love. Incest my ass. I threw off my hat. It would betray me. I needed no more betrayal. Damnit, I thought that everyone felt the same as me! Now I know it was wishful thinking. Like hell I have a family. Making me think I did . . . Irvine's just a joke, isn't he? I took off my overcoat and laid it out on my bed. Now all I had on was my gun, my pants, and my vest. The vest would betray me, too. I opened my closest and found the white muscle shirt that I sometimes wear to bed. No ones seen me in that. I took off my vest and put on the shirt. There. No one would look twice at me now. There was a pad of paper by my desk. And a pencil. I picked up the pencil and began to write. Dear whoever; When you read this, I will be dead. Yeah, dead. I can't deal with this anymore! Quistis, I'm much more perceptive then you think. I know that look you gave Squall. I know the look he gave back. I always thought we were a family . . . Ellone was the big sister who was always there. Quistis was the bossy big sis; Squall was the moody brother. Seifer was the bully and Zell was always getting picked on. Selphie was the youngest girl, always optimistic. I was the youngest out of them all. I was the annoying one . . . But Squall, the look you gave Quistis said differently. I don't have a family! I thought we all felt that platonic love towards eachother. Everyone got annoyed with me, but it was okay. I was your brother, right? Wrong. The only one in this world who gives a damn about me is Selphie. I'm sorry to do this too you, Selph . . . Don't cry too much. You can have all my stuff. It's not a lot, but you can have it. Rinoa . . . You don't cry either. Squall loves Quistis, apparently. Don't cry. Nobody cry, in fact. Quistis, Squall, I hope you two are happy together. But, damn . . . Did you have to? Really? Couldn't you of just gone on letting me think I had a family? Why are you doing this? You're hurting everyone. You're not only cheating on Rinoa, Squall, but all of us. Did you have to? G'bye, Irvine Kinneas. I was crying now. I rarely cry . . . I cried when I was little. I cried when my first girlfriend left me. I cried when I got shot in the leg. And I'm crying now. I took a few deep breaths and walked out of my room. My body wouldn't be found . . . Balamb was flying over wild area. A monster would eat my body, probably. By the time it was discovered that I was missing, I'll be long gone. A funeral without a body . . . I arrived at the elevator. Pushed the button for the second floor. How long would it be until someone noticed that I wasn't in the Garden? Would they turn back to look for me? They wouldn't find me. Maybe bits of my skin . . . Maybe they'll bury my hat. That'd be kinda funny . . . I was at the second floor. The balcony. A hopelessly cliché way to commit suicide. "Young boy grows up alone, throws himself off a balcony. Body not found. They buried his cowboy hat". Damn, not even my death will be taken seriously. I laughed. I laughed as I walked up to the edge of this damned Garden. Oh, I had to add another cliché on to this . . . "Goodbye cruel world!" I yelled, laughing, and hit the ground.
