Journal archives...

Tuesday, July 9, 2002

Guess what I had a dream about last night...I dreamt that I cut my hair to my shoulders!!! Ok, so you may be thinking, "Um, Tiff...who cares?", right? But to me, it is a big deal...think about it-I am so protective of my long hair, so for me to cut it would be huge, it would be like getting rid of a shield that I have to the rest of the world, with shorter hair I woudn't always be able hide myself behind all of my hair...to me it seemed kind of symbolic of what happend with me yesterday, not letting Taylor be the focus of my life anymore... I think that Taylor has been a sort of shield for me, I have never allowed myself to get close with anybody for the simple reason that he is not Taylor and only Taylor could make me happy...So, to me the dream seemed symbolic of the situation at hand...what do you guys think?

Ok, so with that out of the way, I want to say that I had such a good day with my mom! I don't get to spend very much time with her because she works her little butt off day after day, so it was really great to be with her all day... but what makes it even better is that I got a totally cute little dress at Ross that is originally from Express for $64, but I got it for $3.99!!! I was happy as could be at that one incredible find, but guess what I found while we were wandering through Target? Britney Spears dolls on clearance for $1.44 each! I know I'm a little old for dolls, but who could pass that up? So...I got five! I am not going to take them out of the packages or anything but rather save them in their original boxes...my mom has taught me to do that since I was a little girl. It's kinda funny because I was the only 8 year old who would have rather saved her brand new Barbie in the box than to take her out and play with her...

I have also decided that (because Julie got one and if she can then I soooo can!) I am definetley going to get my first tattoo around the 8th of August (which will hopefully be my payday!) and I need all of your help!!! I already know that it is going to be on my lower back but I can't really decide what to get, although I am really leaning towards the "Britney" fairy...please help me decide what to get if not the fairy!!! Tell me what you think I should get in our new forum!!!

Love,
Tiffany Marie

Monday, July 8, 2002

The little quote above is from the song "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch...I will take it down tommorow, but for today it just seems right...you'll see what I mean.

I can barely beleive that Taylor and Natalie have been married for a whole month today. Earlier today I was really sad about it, but I'm not anymore, thanks to something that someone said to me yesterday...

I was chatting with Brett last night about something that is going on with him, he said to me "It's like you with Taylor, you love him but he is so far away from you and you can't have him." I was a little angry as I read that because, HELLO! I am going to have Taylor...before I could say anything back to him, Brett said "But you will have Taylor." It made me happy that he realized the truth, that I would have Taylor, but it also felt a little bit like he said this to cover his a$$, to avoid having me go crazy on him...

Today, while unpacking my bags from the beach, I was feeling sorry for myself because the man who has been my everything for the past five years, is married to someone else, someone who is going to have his child in a few months...it didn't seem fair. For some reason I then thought of Brett saying "You can't have him."... I don't know why I feel the way that I do about Taylor, why it literally sometimes hurts to want someone so much, why I have devoted 1/4 of my life to someone that I don't even know or why every hour of every day he is on my mind, I don't know why this is, but it is...and the more I thought of what Brett said, someone who would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt me, I realized that it is completely true, I can't have Taylor.

I can no longer let my life revolve around someone who doesn't even know I exsist, who has never even spoken to me (although there was some major eye contact between us on August 3rd, 2000!)...And even if we were to meet, who's to say that he would have any similar feelings towards me? Me and Taylor, the way I have imagined us for the past 5 years is just that-my imagination, not reality, but I have acted as though it is my reality...and although it hurts to come to realize that most of the last 5 years of my life have been devoted to something that isn't ever going to be, I am also feeling completely renewed because, thank god (and Brett!) I came to this reality today and not 10 years from now, when I might still be telling myself (probably all alone) that Taylor and Natalie are unhappy, that I would make him so much happier.

Realizing this hasn't made my feelings for Taylor go away, I don't know what will, it's just that those feelings are no longer going to control my life and my thoughts. I won't go on another day planning my life around Taylor as though he is actually in my life...it's now gonna be all about me!

So, after all of this, I want to say that I hope that Taylor is forever happy with his beautiful wife Natalie (did anyone ever think that I would say this?!) and that their baby is happy and healthy (I would say I hope for their baby to be beautiful, but I know that I don't have to hope for that-look at the parents!) and lastly I hope that everything Taylor hopes and wishes for in his life come to light...

Sunday, July 7, 2002

Ok, so I know that I was bitching about having to go to the "beach" but I actually ended up having a really good time...although I don't know if it really had anything to do with being at the "beach" but more so being with Brett! Brett and me are always usually morons when we get together but it was soooo bad this weekend! Um, how many Aimee's did I pull??? And Brett biffed it how many times ??? And that crab lived where in that sea cucumber?!?! So anyways, I really shouldn't have complained so much because I ended up having a really fun time...even though Ocean Shores is the LAMEST beach in the entire world!

Also, I added something new here called "They Said What?!", which is basically a place where some friends and such have their own little "corner" to say and do whatever they want. So far only Brett's Corner (which will be the best of them all!) is up, but there will be others soon!

Thursday, July 4, 2002

Yay! The fourth of July....so happy fourth everybody!!! Brett, I really wish that you were here! Damn that deer for doing that to my car!!!

So, it looks as though I am definetley going to the so called "beach" tommorow...guaranteed I am not going anywhere near that ocean-it's like, friggin' 70 degrees below zero in there! I am as of yet unable to figure out how my dad can consider this to be a "vacation"...but I guess I should be happy because there is a nice, warm indoor pool at the hotel...if only I had a bathing suit (Hey Amy, can I borrow that cute little blue bikini that you got when we were in DisneyLand when you were, like, 8??? I'm not completely sure that the bottoms will fit but I can guarantee that the top will!!! Wait, am I making fun of myself here?) then I could go swimming!!!

So anyways, I hope that everybody has a great time today! Oh, and hey, Brett...when was the last time you got out of bed, threw on some jeans (and only jeans!) and decided to go go-carting in the WalMart parking lot??? And remember, be careful with those roman candles!!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2002

Ahhhh, life in the Northwest! It's warm and beautiful today but tommorow (the Fourth!) of course it is supposed to be cold and rainy!!!

So, I'm going to the beach (but aren't beaches supposed to be warm and sunny NOT cold and rainy???) on Friday with some family...not really looking forward to this but I feel bad backing out without any reason other than hating the awful Northwest "beaches" because my dad REALLY wants me to go...now I wish I had gone in to get my old job back last Monday so at least I would have a valid exscuse for not going. I guess sometimes you just have to make the best of something that you really don't want to do...

Tuesday, July 2, 2002

Oh my god! How can it already be July?! Where the heck did June go? I can't believe that the Britney Spears concert (amazing show but she looked like she had put on a few pounds, although I would trade in my body for her body with those few extra pounds any day...) in Tacoma was over a month ago!

So anyways, I really need to get a job and I *really* want to go back to my old job but...well, if you know me you know the one reason I am stalling (jolly ranchers did what to his teeth?!)...but I really need to work because I hate being broke! But I guess I'll have a few more days to muster up the courage to go talk to Molly (my ex-boss) because it's almost the 4th! I'm sure she will be taking the rest of the week off...But definetley Monday I'm going to talk to her (how many times have I said this before?)....

Monday, July 1, 2002

So, I can't believe that I actually sat down and learned how to make a website-so very NOT me! But thanks Amy and Brett for all of your help!