TITLE: Sirens of the Abyss
AUTHOR: Tiffany Park
EMAIL: anderson7836@comcast.net
STATUS: Complete
CATEGORY: Humor, Action/Adventure, Crossover with the Quiznos Spongmonkeys.
SPOILERS: A couple of references to "The Torment, The Release"
SEASON: Season Four.
PAIRINGS: None.
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNINGS: Mild and justified violence.
SUMMARY: Horror beyond imagining lurks on Thalia IV, an insignificant planet in one of the Milky Way's small satellite galaxies.
ARCHIVE: Please ask.
DISCLAIMER: Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda and its characters are the property of Fireworks Entertainment, Tribune Entertainment, Global, and MBR Productions Inc. Blame for the singing "Spongmonkeys" rests with Quiznos, their ad agency, and Joel Veitch, the creator of the wretched things. The song lyrics belong to Quiznos and their ad agency. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you have somehow managed to escape seeing the Quiznos Spongmonkey commercials, well, all I can say is: lucky you. If you want to experience the horror for yourself, go to the Quiznos web site at: www.quiznos.com. If you'd like to see how the Spongmonkeys got their start in show biz, visit Joel Veitch's web site, www.rathergood.com, and check out the clip entitled "We Like the Moon."
ADDITIONAL NOTES (May 5, 2004): When I originally wrote this story, I had no idea that Beka's mother was named Talia (or Thalia, as I've also seen it spelled). I used the name as a joke: Thalia was the Greek Muse of Comedy. Had I known about the similarity, I would have chosen a different name to avoid confusion. However, by the time I found out about it the story had already been published, so Thalia it remains.

Dedicated to my beta reader, Rachelle, who really, really, really hates Rhade's beard and insisted I find a way to dispose of it. She also gets the blame for coining the "mutant alien roadkill" description.

"Here we are," said Beka as she brought Andromeda Ascendant out of slipstream.

"Yeah," said Harper. "The hind end of nowhere."

"The Fornax Dwarf Spheroidal Galaxy is one of the many small satellites of the Milky Way Galaxy," Rommie said. "It was sparsely settled even in the days of the Old Commonwealth. There are a number of indigenous but minor civilizations, none affiliated with the New Commonwealth."

"So basically what you're saying is: it's not the end of the universe, but you can see it from here."

Rommie shrugged.

"Obscurity suits our purposes. We need to keep a low profile, after all," said Dylan. He gazed at the viewscreen, which displayed a gorgeous field of stars and nebulae. "Well, Rommie, how does the local situation look?"

Rommie said, "The nearest star is Thalia. It has seven planets orbiting it, the outer three of which are gas giants. I recommend we deploy our ram scoop in Thalia V's atmosphere. We should be able to collect all the hydrogen we require."

"Sounds like a plan. Let's get to it."

Andromeda appeared on the main viewscreen. "Captain, I am receiving a distress call from the Thalia system."

Dylan frowned. "Put it on screen."

Andromeda vanished. In her place appeared the terrified face of a reptilian being. The signal was terrible: filled with snow and noise, cutting in and out erratically. Brief snatches of music could be heard in the background, but the static masked most of the vaguely unsettling sounds. The lizard man gasped out, "Is anyone out there? Please, someone, help us."

The transmission broke up in a burst of crackling interference, then returned. The alien being's yellow eyes were wide, and the elegant scales of his pointed snout were flushed kelly green. "The Sirens-- The Sirens are here! They're destroying our civilization! Soon-- Soon we shall be no more..." He suddenly grabbed his head in his clawed hands. "No, no! Stop it! I can't... I can't resist..."

The screen went blank. "Transmission terminated," the image of Andromeda calmly reported from another display.

"Where did that distress call originate from?" Dylan asked.

At her console, Rommie tapped a few controls. "The point of origin is the planet Thalia IV."

"That's convenient," Dylan said.

Trance smiled at him. "There are no coincidences, Dylan. You should know that by now."

He smiled back. "Yes, I suppose I do."

Harper said, "Need I remind you people that as far as most of the Commonwealth is concerned, we're outlaws now? This could be a trap, you know. Those people might just turn us in for that oh so extravagant bounty on our heads."

"No, they won't," said Trance. She had an oddly intent expression on her face. "That was a genuine call for help."

"I don't like it."

Beka said, "I agree with Harper. We need to be cautious."

Trance stared into Dylan's eyes with an unwavering gaze. "Dylan, we must answer this call."

"You know something," Dylan said. It was not a question.

Trance shook her head. "It's not clear to me, not yet. But I do know it's essential that we go to Thalia IV."

Dylan looked at her for a long time. Then he gave a minuscule nod and said, "Beka, take us to Thalia IV."

Andromeda Ascendant moved into orbit around Thalia IV. The viewscreen showed a pretty little world, with green and gold continents and aquamarine oceans, all wreathed in wisps of pure white clouds.

"Seems peaceful enough," said Harper.

Rhade looked over at him and cocked an eyebrow. "Appearances are often deceiving."

"Words to live by from the Nietzschean philosopher."

Andromeda appeared on the adjacent screen. "Captain, I'm picking up numerous transmissions."

Dylan asked, "More distress calls?"

"No, these are on local frequencies, broadcast on the planet's information and entertainment channels. They're overriding all other content."

"Let's have a look."

On the screen appeared two brown, furry creatures with tiny, bony limbs held close to their bodies. The peculiar animals were curiously flat, and they appeared to be levitating. They looked like they were long dead, desiccated and mummified. Both had distorted, mismatched eyes and wore odd-looking hats. One started strumming a guitar; the other opened a horrifyingly wide, red mouth filled with oversized, grotesque teeth, and began to sing. It had a scratchy, screeching voice, and no sense of tonality at all. "We love the suuuuubs--"

"Yuck, those things are totally disgusting," said Beka, making a revolted face. "They look like something I'd scrape off the bottom of my boot."

Harper shrugged, watching the show with interest. "Oh, I don't know. Call me crazy, but it kind of works."

"You're crazy."

Rhade had his eyes fixed on the screen. "They are strangely...compelling."

Dylan said, "Is anyone else hungry? I don't know why, but for some reason, I'd kill for a sandwich right now."

"They're horrible." Trance's eyes suddenly widened, her expression changing from disgust to pure horror. "Dylan, they're what we came for. They're the Sirens-- And they're Agents of the Abyss!"

"But they seem so harmless," Harper said, bobbing his head to the beat. "And it's such a catchy tune."

"Don't you understand? That's how they work," said Trance. "They're getting in under your defenses. They're already starting to control you."

"Not me," said Beka, wrinkling her nose.

"Nor I," said Rommie, from where she stood at her console.

"Nor I," said the Andromeda image on the adjacent viewscreen.

"Nor I," said the Andromeda hologram, who flashed in just to put in her two cents' worth.

All three Andromedas looked singularly underwhelmed.

"It must be more effective on men," said Beka. The women all nodded; the men just continued watching the singing creatures, tapping their toes in time to the music, wearing rapt expressions on their faces. Beka muttered, "Men," then ordered, "Andromeda, kill that broadcast. Hurry!"

The screen went blank. The men all blinked and looked around in confusion. "Hey, I was enjoying that," said Harper.

"Too much, I'd say," said Rommie, archly.

"Aw, come on, Rommie, it was fun. Mutant alien roadkill singers jamming on the airwaves. What's not to like?"

Rommie just looked at him. The Andromeda hologram rolled her eyes and flashed out.

"That kind of 'fun' can kill you," said Andromeda from her viewscreen. She looked disapproving.

Dylan frowned. "Rommie, what can you tell me about these Sirens?"

Rommie straightened and took on an inward look. "There are two entries in my database. A siren is a device used to produce a warning signal in the form of a loud, piercing, or wailing sound."

"That's appropriate," Beka said, looking snide. "That so-called singing was pretty hard on the ears."

"The second entry is probably more relevant," Rommie continued. "The Sirens were originally mythical beings from old Earth. Ancient Greece, to be specific. Their singing had the power to entrance and compel men, and they lured sailors to their doom by causing them to run their ships into rocks, and even to jump into the water and drown. Sirens were usually considered to be female."

Beka protested, "Those things are not women!"

Rommie said, "No, but their singing does appear to have hypnotic properties similar to those of the original Greek Sirens."

"Oh, come on," said Harper. "So they're disgusting--in a good way, I might add--and they sing a catchy tune. Big deal."

Trance said, "Dylan, while you were listening to them, you said you would kill for a sandwich. Do you still feel that way?"

Dylan shook his head, looking perplexed. "No, I'm not hungry at all."

"I believe that, had you continued to listen to the Sirens' song, you would have literally done just that: killed all of us for a sandwich."

"Trance, that's ridiculous."

"Is it?" Trance nodded at the main viewscreen, which once again displayed the peaceful image of Thalia IV. "Think about that distress call, how that poor Thalian couldn't even finish his final sentence. Clearly these Sirens are wreaking havoc on that planet." She paused. "I told you, they are Agents of the Abyss. Soon they will be strong enough to leave Thalia IV, and spread their contagion throughout the universe. We must stop them now, Dylan, while they're still confined to this one isolated world."

Dylan rubbed his jaw and pondered the viewscreen. "Andromeda, analyze the transmission from those Sirens. Why were only the men affected?"

Beka said snidely, "I can tell you why: because men think gross stuff is funny."

Harper said, "Well, yeah. So what's your point?"

Andromeda ignored him and said, "Beka is essentially correct. The Sirens and their performance appeal to the baser elements of humor."

"Hah!" Beka said. "I knew it."

"However, the transmission also contained subtle harmonics which influence sentient brain activity and awareness. Males are more susceptible initially, but with extended exposure females will also succumb to the Sirens' influence. Close proximity to the source will accelerate the effects on both men and women."

Beka remained unconvinced. She folded her arms across her chest and said, "Oh, I'd be affected, all right--by throwing up or falling unconscious from the sheer horror of it all."

Dylan gave her a chiding glance. He looked back at the screen that displayed Andromeda's face. "So what you're saying, Andromeda, is that nobody's immune."

"Correct," said Andromeda.

"We need something to counteract those effects. Harper, do you have anything that could help us?"

Harper said, "I still don't see why this is such a big problem."

"Harper--"

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands in surrender. "No problem, boss. I already have a solution. I've been working on these miniaturized acoustic filters to screen out unwanted noise so I can concentrate on my projects better. I just program 'em for certain frequencies, pop 'em into earplugs, and stick 'em in my ears. With those little babies in place, I can focus on my work without any unwanted distractions. The filters only screen out what I tell 'em, so I can still hear the important stuff that's going on."

Beka asked with a knowing smirk, "You wouldn't happen to have programmed these acoustic filters of yours to tune out certain people's voices?"

"So what if I did?" Harper scowled at her, then said, "Anyway, I just need a sample of the musical stylings of our amusing singing mutants to reprogram the filters, and we're all set."

"That's great, Harper," said Dylan. "Get to work. I don't know how much time we have to stop these things--"

"Very little," said Trance. "I can feel the Sirens gathering strength, even as we speak."

Harper headed for the exit. "I'm on it. You'll have your earplugs within the hour, boss."

Trance moved to stand next to Dylan. "We must hurry," she said quietly. "There's no time to lose. I believe the Sirens are almost ready to move out into the universe at large."

Dylan said, "Rommie, can you pinpoint the source of the Sirens' transmissions?"

"Working on it, Dylan." Rommie bent over her console, her fingers flying over the controls. "Got it. The Sirens are transmitting from this location."

The main viewscreen zoomed in on one of Thalia IV's continents. A red dot flashed in a central region.

"And X marks the spot," said Dylan. "All right, everyone, as soon as Harper's earplugs are ready, we'll go and toast ourselves some roadkill."

Trance said, "Dylan, don't underestimate the Sirens of the Abyss. Despite their pathetic appearance, they are very dangerous. We will need our combined strength to defeat them."

Dylan nodded slowly. "Forewarned is forearmed."

Armed to the teeth and with Harper's acoustic filters plugging their ears to screen out the Sirens' song, Dylan and his bridge crew went down to Thalia IV. Nervously they walked through the deserted city streets. Buildings with odd and obviously non-human architectural designs loomed all around them. Doors were closed, windows shuttered.

"This place is like a ghost town," said Harper. "Where are all the lizard people? Jeeze, they called for help, you'd think they'd send the welcome wagon or something." He thought for a moment and added, "And really, why'd they need our help anyway? Don't lizards eat rodents? Why are they letting their food supply walk all over them?"

"Harper," Trance said reprovingly.

"No, Trance, I really want to know why those crummy musical mutants can buck the natural order of things."

"Who cares?" said Beka. She hefted her gun. "I just want to blast the Sirens and get off this ignoble little rock."

Dylan asked, "Well, Rommie, which way?"

"Translating coordinate systems now," she said, adjusting her hand-held tracker. On the small display screen, images obtained from orbit were superimposed over a grid showing the city's layout, then a red light started flashing. "Ah. That way." She pointed down the street.

The group moved farther into the lifeless city. Rhade peered into a window, trying to see around the cracks in the window coverings. "There's light inside," he said, "and I hear something." He was quiet for a moment, listening. "It sounds like moaning."

Beka said, "You can hear in there?"

"I have good ears." He shrugged. "It's in my genes."

"I bet."

Rommie said, "I hear it, as well. Definitely moaning."

"That's it," said Dylan. "We're going in."

"But the Sirens are still several blocks away," Rommie protested.

"It doesn't matter. Whoever's in there, they need our help now."

Dylan tried the door, but it wouldn't open. "Stand back," he ordered as he aimed his force lance. The brilliant burst of energy blew the door off its frame.

Inside they found five lizard people. The three adults were ensconced in chairs adapted to their particular anatomy. The two youngsters crouched on the floor. All five appeared frozen with horror, their gazes directed at the audio-visual entertainment center on the opposite wall.

"Oh, great," said Harper. "Behold the mutants from Planet X."

On the big screen, the Sirens of the Abyss cavorted. One toothy, repulsive creature strummed a guitar, the other moved its mouth as though talking or singing. Only the acoustic filters in their ears kept the Andromeda crew from hearing the horrible yet entrancing music.

Beka poked at the nearest lizard, but got no response. "They're alive, but other than that..." She shrugged. "It's like they can't look away."

"They want to, but they can't," Trance said. "They are completely under the Sirens' control."

Rhade moved into the center of the room and stared at the Sirens. He fingered his force lance. "Perhaps we should simply destroy this equipment."

"It's too late for that," Trance told him. "We must stop the Sirens at the source. Only then will the Thalians be free."

Rhade didn't reply; he just continued to watch the big screen, frowning.

"You're sure about that, Trance?" Dylan asked.

"Absolutely, Dylan," Trance said. "There's no other way. You have to trust me."

Dylan said unhappily, "All right, Trance, we'll do it your way. Let's go."

Reluctantly, the group headed outside. Beka stopped at the door when she noticed that Rhade hadn't moved. With some irritation, she walked back to him.

"Are you coming or what?" she asked sharply. "Rhade?"

Rhade started and blinked, looking bewildered. "What?" He glanced around. "Oh, right. Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention. I'm coming."

With undisguised impatience, Beka turned and went out the door. Sheepishly, Rhade followed her out into the street.

The group stopped before a large, trapezoidal building. Its roof bristled with antennae and satellite dishes. Rommie consulted her tracking device. "This is the source of the Sirens' transmission."

"Okay. Watch yourselves, people," Dylan said, aiming his force lance. He blasted open the door and strode inside.

As they followed him in, Beka said to Harper, "That's two in the last hour. I think he's going for the record."

Holding out her tracker, Rommie moved into the lead. "This way."

They walked through a long corridor and came to a massive double door. Dylan again raised his force lance.

"Wait a minute, boss," said Harper. "Let's just see if it's locked first, okay?"

He and Rhade tugged at the heavy doors, which swung open ponderously to reveal a brightly lit, cavernous room. Numerous kinds of cameras lined the walls, and microphones dangled from the ceiling. A line of eight lizard people stood at the front of the room. They wore tanks on their backs and carried large, strange-looking guns. Flexible tubes ran from the guns to the tanks. The Thalians' scaly faces showed helpless horror, although they aimed their weapons straight at the newcomers.

Behind the lizard people was the ultimate nightmare: The Sirens of the Abyss. The two grotesqueries were levitating about fifteen feet off the ground, surrounded by gigantic loudspeakers. Every camera and mike in the place was focused on them. One Siren strummed its guitar with enthusiasm, the other's mouth was working as it sang out the forbidden lyrics.

Dylan said to Harper, "These earplugs are great. I can't hear any of their music, even with all that sound equipment they've got."

Harper preened. "We aim to please, boss."

"Those things are even more disgusting in person," said Beka, making a repulsed face. "Let's get this over with."

Dylan nodded. "I agree. First we need to contain the lizard people."

"Don't hurt them, Dylan," said Trance. "They're under the control of the Sirens. They can't help what they're doing."

"Right," said Dylan. "Everyone, spread out and shoot to stun."

They moved into a rough semicircle. The lizard guards held their ground, but tracked the Andromeda crew with their odd weapons. Dylan said, "Okay, let's take them out."

Everyone except Rhade prepared to fire. Dylan glanced over at him. Rhade was frozen in place, staring wide-eyed at the singing Sirens.

"Rhade?" said Dylan, his brow furrowing. "Rhade, what's wrong?"

Rhade didn't acknowledge the query. He just continued to watch the Sirens, unmoving, for all appearances unaware of anything but the evil beings that held him in thrall.

"The Sirens have him," said Trance.

"I thought these earplugs were supposed to protect us from that," said Dylan, touching his ear.

Harper said, "The fit of the earplugs isn't absolutely perfect. Rhade must be picking up the minuscule amount of sound that leaks around them into his ear canals. It's nothing that would bother us, but for Nietzschean ears..."

"So much for genetic superiority," said Beka.

One of the lizards chose that moment to utter a high-pitched shriek and lunge forward. Flames belched from the muzzle of its gun.

"Flame throwers!" Dylan shouted. "Everyone, take whatever cover you can find!"

Another lizard aimed its weapon straight at the entranced Rhade. Beka leaped forward and knocked him to the ground just as the column of fire shot by, singeing them both.

"Beka, are you two all right?" Dylan called from behind a loudspeaker.

"We're fine, Dylan." Beka sat up and slapped at her smoking sleeves to stop the burning. She looked down at Rhade. He blinked, and awareness returned to his eyes. He touched his face. His once-elegant beard had been burned and reduced to stubble.

"My beard," he groaned.

Without any sympathy, Beka said, "It's about time you got rid of that silly-looking thing." She stood up and helped Rhade to his feet.

The lizard people, unwilling slaves under Sirens' enchantment, were reluctant to press their advantage. Either that, or the Sirens' control made them too slow-witted to fight effectively. They swung their triangular heads to and fro, as though debating what to do next.

"Stun them now!" Dylan ordered.

The subsequent barrage of weapons fire took out the poor, spellbound creatures before they could fire another shot. They collapsed, their flame throwers dropping from their hands as en masse they fell unconscious.

The Sirens didn't seem to notice the loss of their guards. They simply kept on singing and playing, their deformed mouths flapping as they spewed out their hateful tune.

Dylan strode forward, bringing his force lance to bear. "And now to deal with these monsters once and for all."

Then he stopped and clapped his hands to his ears as the acoustic filters gave a sudden squeal, then crackled with static. "What the--?"

The rest of the crew also held their heads. "What's with these things?" Beka asked. She dropped her hands, and two tiny, delicate wisps of smoke drifted lazily from her ears.

"It must be the Sirens' music," Harper said. A few small sparks shot out of his own ears, followed by two curls of smoke. "At this range and volume, it must have been too much for the filters. They're shorting out!"

Dylan said, "But that means we'll be at the Sirens' mercy!"

Little smoke plumes escaped everyone's ears as the acoustic filters sparked and died. Without the filters' protection, the Andromeda crew heard the music and lyrics in all their terrifying glory.

Grotesque blue eyes bulging in time to the beat, the lead Siren sang out, "--We love the suuuuuubs--"

"This is very bad," said Rommie. Rhade once again succumbed to the Sirens' call, his eyes dulling and his singed face going slack.

"--Coz they are good to us--" the Sirens sang. Misshapen teeth flashed in the bright light.

Harper fell victim next. Slowly, he lowered his weapon, his gaze fixed on the horrible creatures.

"--We love the suuuuuuuubs--"

Dylan held his force lance in a shaking, two-handed grip. "No! It can't end this way... I won't let it..." His voice trailed away, his eyes riveted onto the Sirens. The force lance clattered to the floor as his hands fell loosely to his sides.

Twisted limbs strummed the guitar with vigor. Blood red mouths formed foul words. "--They are tasty! They are crunchy! They are warm because they toast them--"

Trance cried, "Beka, Rommie, we only have a few more seconds of immunity! We must destroy the Sirens! Now!"

"--they got a pepper bar!" the lead Siren singer belted out.

"Pepper bar this!" yelled Beka. She and Rommie opened fire on the disgusting, singing creatures.

Engulfed in the lethal energy, the Sirens screeched out terrible and unearthly cries. The guitar chords and the evil singing ceased, replaced by an inhuman ululation.

Through the blinding light, a dark humanoid shape appeared. Energy rippled over its form; preternatural howling filled the air. The Spirit of the Abyss focused burning, threatening eyes on Beka and Rommie. The two women kept shooting. The Spirit gazed at them contemptuously a moment longer, then vanished.

The room fell silent.

In the eerie quiet could be heard soft crackling noises. Plumes of black smoke rose from the two lumps of smoldering charcoal that had once been the Sirens.

The men all shook themselves. "What happened?" asked Dylan.

Rommie said, "The sonic filters couldn't handle the intense bombardment of sound and shorted out. You, Harper, and Rhade all immediately fell under the Sirens' influence."

Harper said, "But we're all okay now, right?"

"I believe so, yes."

"It's quiet," said Rhade.

"That's because Rommie and I blew those rotten mutants to kingdom come," Beka said.

"So the Sirens have been destroyed," said Dylan.

"Yes, it is done," said Trance. "The universe is safe."

Dylan regarded her soberly. "From this threat, at least."

Being careful not to step on the unconscious lizard people, Harper walked over to the dead Sirens. He nudged one well-cooked corpse with his boot, and the charred remains crumbled to pieces. "Toasty," he said.

March, 2004

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