TITLE: The Obligatory Kitten Tale
AUTHOR: Tiffany Park
EMAIL: anderson7836@comcast.net
STATUS: Complete
CATEGORY: Humor, Fluff
SPOILERS: "Shades of Grey"
SEASON: Season Three, set sometime before "Shades of Grey."
PAIRINGS: None
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Mild language. Violence of the feline kind, inflicted on a hapless Marine.
SUMMARY: Colonel Makepeace rescues a kitten from a tree, with predictable results.
ARCHIVE: Please ask.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: In every fandom I've ever seen, there's always a story or ten about the big, strong, tough, macho, manly character who encounters a kitten--and promptly turns to mush. Here's one for our list. Sans the mush. Written for the ColRMakepeaceSG-3 list at YahooGroups.com.

These clandestine meetings with Maybourne were getting to be a real pain in the butt, Makepeace thought as he walked down the residential street, heading for the last bus stop on his way home. They always consisted of a drive to an out-of-town bus station, then an elaborate, complicated bus trip--with several transfers--to an out-of-the-way family neighborhood, then a too-long, too-convoluted walk to a church or other benign location. Hand over some small and arcane piece of alien tech that one of Maybourne's off-world teams had scavenged or stolen. Get new instructions. Then return home by a different route, staying alert for a tail.

What a way to spend a day off. The cloak-and-dagger routine was getting old in a hurry, but for Earth's sake he'd keep it up forever, if necessary. Or until he got caught. Whichever came first.

He sauntered along, admiring the well-maintained, middle-class homes, with nice lawns and gardens. The street was clean, and tall trees were planted at intervals along the sidewalk. Up ahead a little girl played under a leafy tree.

As he came closer, he realized that she wasn't playing, she was crying. Bawling her eyes out, in fact. She looked at him, and a burst of shrieks and whines made his eardrums wobble. He hadn't even heard her before, and wondered if she had cranked up the volume just for his benefit. He had kids; he knew how they operated.

Makepeace stopped when he got to her. The little girl turned big blue eyes up at him, and wailed even louder. Tears ran freely down her not-so-cherubic, scrunched-up face. With luck, her parents would appear soon and deal with the problem, whatever it was. Still, he couldn't just pass her by without saying anything.

"Hey, are you all right, honey?" he asked, using his "daddy" voice.

"No," she sniveled, but at least she stopped the ungodly shrieking.

"What's the matter?" Lord, he was going to be sorry for this, he just knew it.

She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "I can't get Missy."

"Missy? Is that your doll?"

"She's my kitten." The little girl pointed up into the tree.

Makepeace looked up. Among the leafy branches, a small, peach-colored ball of fluff huddled. It gazed down at them with bright green eyes. "That's Missy? What's she doing up there?"

"My brother Davey chased her, and she went up the tree, and now she's stuck and can't get down." She started crying again.

More like, won't come down, Makepeace thought. "You know, maybe you should go get your parents. I'm sure they'll get Missy down for you."

The girl shrieked. "No! No! I can't leave Missy! She'll be scared all alone!"

Makepeace winced at the high-pitched noise. "Look, I'll stay here with her so she won't be alone." I am some kind of idiot, he thought. I'll miss my bus for sure.

"No! She'll be too scared without me! She needs me!" The little girl started crying again. Makepeace thought the tears looked more artful this time. The kid reminded him of his eldest daughter, Lizzie. Lizzie always knew just what daddy-buttons to push, and was absolutely shameless about pushing them to get her way.

The little girl added, "Can't you get her down, mister?"

Yep, he'd known that was coming next. Had been inevitable, in fact.

The little girl said, "You're really tall. I bet you can just reach up an' get her." A calculated sniff accompanied these words.

Makepeace sighed. This little girl was reminding him more and more of Lizzie with every word and manipulative little sniffle. And just like always, he was falling for it. He sighed again. He was in the business of saving the world, right? So, that meant saving kittens, too.

Makepeace stared up into the tree. Missy stared back. No way could he reach that high. That kitten was at least twenty feet up. He'd have to climb the stupid tree. "There's never a fireman around when you need one," Makepeace muttered with amusement.

He grasped the lowest branches and pulled himself up into the tree. The kitten's eyes got big and round. It inched back along its perch, and made a cute little hissing noise.

Makepeace climbed higher. Missy also went higher. That wasn't good. He stopped, to let the kitten get used to having him in her haven. He glanced down, saw the little girl watching with eyes as big and round as the kitten's.

"Okay, Missy," he said soothingly, while slowly extending his hand. "Come on, kitty, it's time to come down now."

Missy arched her back and issued dire threats in the form of tiny growls and dainty spitting. Makepeace grinned. The creature thought she was ferocious. Kittens could be awfully cute.

Makepeace edged forward, toward the kitten. Just a little farther. He settled himself securely on the branch, and held his hand still in front of Missy to let her sniff him. Her whiskers tickled his skin. After a few moments of "let's get acquainted" time, he reached out and wrapped his fingers around her tiny body.

Immediately, the cute little kitty turned into a mini-tornado with teeth and claws sharp as razors. Makepeace yowled as he felt those claws rake along his hand and up his arm, but managed to hang on to the enraged cat. Missy screeched and dug in with all four sets of talons.

He pulled her back and clutched her to his chest. Big mistake. Missy chomped down on his hand with her needle-like teeth. Makepeace reflexively let go, and the kitten scrambled up his chest, behind his neck, and onto his head. She kept her grip the way all cats do, and Makepeace yowled again as every last one of Missy's claws found purchase in his scalp.

He reached up, got both hands around the kitten and tried to dislodge her from his skull. She held on tenaciously. With a heroic effort he pulled her away, and saw clumps of his hair dangling from her fuzzy little paws.

At this point, he was pretty sure he was bleeding. He held Missy out from him and glared at her. Missy stared him straight in the eye, hissed, and wrapped those vicious front claws around his right arm. Her rear legs struck out, leaving long gashes along his forearm.

With grim resolution, he adjusted his grip on the evil little monster, pressed her against his chest with one arm, and started to climb back down the tree. Something of a trick to do one-handed and holding a shrieking, squirming cyclone of fur and fangs. Partway down, Missy almost got loose again. Makepeace caught her by the tail at the last moment. Missy screamed and ran her claws down his left arm before he got her under control. Or, more accurately, under a semi-reasonable facsimile of control.

Missy spit and fought all the way down the tree. Makepeace got to the lower branches, then jumped to the ground. Amazingly, he didn't drop Missy, though he desperately wanted to.

"Missy, Missy!" the little girl cried. She ran to them, arms wide.

Makepeace held the furry fiend out with both hands. Missy glared at him malevolently and growled low in her throat. He felt her tensing for another go at him, then the little girl said, "Missy, oh, Missy, you're all right," and took the kitten from him.

He watched incredulously as the Psycho-Kitten From Hell turned into a sweet little fuzzball. Missy snuggled into the little girl's embrace and purred loudly.

The little girl beamed up at Makepeace. "Thank you so much, mister. I was so afraid something bad would happen to Missy, but she's all right." She buried her face in the kitten's fur. "Aren't you, Missy? Good kitty."

Missy stared at Makepeace. He could have sworn he saw demonic satisfaction in those big green eyes.

Makepeace inhaled, exhaled, and said carefully, "Maybe you ought to take Missy home now. She's had a busy day." A very, very busy day, he thought. Get that unholy terror off the streets before it has the entire neighborhood for lunch.

"Okay, mister. Thank you again!" The little girl skipped down the sidewalk.

As he watched Missy and her thoroughly deceived owner depart, Makepeace rubbed one of the deeper claw marks on his arm and idly hoped he wasn't out of antibiotic cream at home.

The next day, Colonel Makepeace strolled through the SGC's corridors, trying to appear as though nothing was out of the ordinary. This was more difficult than usual, since his exposed skin was covered with a myriad of inflamed cuts, jagged scratches, and an entire box of Band-Aids. Passing Marines, airmen, and civilians alike kept giving him funny looks, but so far no one had worked up the nerve to ask about what had happened.

Makepeace rubbed his right hand, the one that had gotten the most clawed up. The injuries were sore and yet also itched like crazy, and he had a hard time keeping himself from scratching.

A tech in a white lab coat stopped and opened his mouth. Makepeace treated him to a contemptuous sneer, and the tech scurried away.

He wished that everyone on the base was that easy to cow.

At that moment, who but Lieutenant Johnson should round the corner and come face to face with him? Naturally. The lieutenant stopped dead and stared at him.

"Good Lord, Colonel, what happened to you?" Johnson asked, eyes wide as he took in all the damage to Makepeace's skin.

Makepeace did not want to explain his embarrassing misadventures, not even to Johnson. He certainly wasn't about to admit that he'd gotten into an argument with an itty, bitty fuzzball of a kitten--and almost lost. He shrugged nonchalantly, as though it was perfectly normal for him to be walking around covered with feline battle scars. "Nothing, really. Just an overly ambitious day off."

Johnson looked disbelieving. "What did you do, sir, take on a mountain lion?"

Makepeace snorted with amusement. "Close enough," he said. Without another word, he stepped around Johnson and continued on his way.

May, 2004

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