It's 12/05/02 and I have
decided to dedicate a spot for me to ramble about stuff. Since it is unlikely
anyone will read this i figure it is a safe place to do so. if you do happen
to be reading this, you probably already know me so no big deal. But, here is
forwarning, most of these are probably going to be depressed rants. *shrug*
i suppose i'll say something worth reading on occassion. -Jez
12/05/02 4:30pm
This week has gone on forever and it is only Thursday. Like I said in one of
my poems, "have i hid it too well for too long?" Is there any chance
that my mask will someday crack enough for others to see in? I can't do it.
I don't know how to let people see me so my only chance is that someday my ability
to hide it will desert me. Fat chance. A random rant on a page no one is likely
to read is my only release now. Like i said in something i am writing "Pain
does not have an experation date and saying that it should only manages to prolong
the possiblity of an ending to it." and "People get too frustrated
at a wound that never heals, but their assumption that something they can say
will make it heal only alienates the pain, only makes me feel like the one at
fault." - Pain swells like a nightmare that won't go away. Wounds that
have no release punctuate it with screams into the darkness. Is anyone there
to hear? Do I want someone to hear? If they did, I would only deny it. I have
no other way etched in me. And this one is etched so deep! Tears wash away too
quickly, and never come enough. I can't find release in crying. I can't even
cry. When was the last time you were touched? Do you know how important touch
is? I know when the last time i was touched was. I shook hands with someone
last night. before that, two days before, I had brushed the back of my hand
agianst a friend's arm to get their attention. Pitiful that I cling to such
tiny things to keep my sanity. I can remember the years without a friends touch.
And it is coming back. Before, i was able to cope with it. But now? When i had
finally stopped flinching from touch, when i had finally began to accustom myself
to a friend touching me? Now its absence tears at me. I'm starting to flinch
again. Someone brushed into me at the office (actually that was the last time
i was touched but it wasn't 'good' touch) and I flinched inside. I stilled outside,
no movement. No one noticed. Why would they? But soon, it will be all i can
do to not flinch outside when someone touches me. You know what that will do?
It will mean people will think that i don't want to be touched. And they'll
avoid it. I'll loose what little physical attatchment i have! My body feels
like it is shaking inside, like something is jarring itself slowly loose.
March 3 2003 5:40pm
so i'm not intirely sure this is going to show up, but, i dont' feel like going through Adam this time. He told me earlier that it wasn't good to just sit back and let life pass you by. I told him that it was more like taking my beating from life silently and with no way to escape. Makes sense to me. Only, i can't figure out how much more i have to take. People break down because they can't take it anymore. Its like a fail safe, a release gate for last ditch survival. but what if the gate is broken? I dont' think i could break down. Not really, not how ppl talk about. That complete washing away where all you can do is cry, or sit there staring at nothing, or do something really stupid because you ahve to do something. i dont' even know, its not something i can imagine myself doing. You know on the movie real genius when the guy stands up in the middle of the library and starts screaming? that's how i feel, but i know i could never do that. That requires loss of control. requires what you aren't supposed to do. Would require letting so many people down. And i just can't do that. No matter how out of it i am, others always come first. I have one friend who says that if i keep thinking like that i will burn myself out and be no good to my friends, unable to help them/put them first. I say i've been at this too long. I'm never going to burn out. others are too important. I'll always make it one more day. And no matter what, i will keep on keeping on, because i have no choice. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate that i can do nothing. I hate that I have to look at myself in the mirror. i hate that i let ppl down. But i just have to do a little better. If I could just do a little better. give a little more of myself. Then it would be better. I'd still hate myself, i'd still hate looking in the mirror. But at least then i would do some good for someone. I wouldn't be worthless. Worthless. I'm worthless. worthless, worthless. i want to say it until it doesn't hurt anymore. until i don't care. because maybe when i know it then i can get past it. try to help dispite my worhtlessness. Try to be something important to someone even tho i am not important.
random somewhere around Feb 20th added to site 3/3/03
I am worhtless. beat it into me and maybe i will see how right you are. That's it, tear at me, I deserve it for being born. Not a man, not a good daughter, not a good Horn, too immodest, too prideful, too arogant. Come on! Can't you think of someting new? Those wounds are old and stiff. You'll have to hit them harder than that. the nerves are dead. I can say them myself with no more than a bitter twist inside. Worthless! YOu're friends dont' want to be with you, don't want to listen to your pitiful whines. Is that really all you have to say? We won't get anywhere with this. Hit me, hurt me. Punish me for being born. Make me hate myself more than I already do. Your body is dirty. Look at yourself you pitiful woman. Look at how nice you look! Like silk wrapped around garbage! Your so dirty. Filthy! Others can see your hideiousness. Others realize you are fair game for anythign they migh twan to inflict on you. You are the pitiful one. Is that the best you can do? Theose things I already know. Look here and here, and here, here are teh scars from that. Red and angry they'll never heal, but htey dont' hrut like they once did. Just callouses now. Your father laughed. Silence now from you worm. He laughed. And he didn't call you daughter. Still open wounds there huh? You worthless piece of refuge. Cast off! Cast off! Look at you squirm now. Now who's pitiful? Best I can do? why waste breath, look at yourself! So pitiful! he doesnt' care. Niether did she. She stands there next to him. Oh stop it! My silence is derission. There is nothign you can say that hasn't been said. No place new to wound. Give it up.
8/22/03
I have no easy words this time. Swelling inside that I can't seem to press down. Big surprise. No one really notices. Why would they? Ben knows I'm depressed, but he doesn't really realize why or his part in it. Even when I try to explain. But he doesn't know how depressed. Can't i just go to sleep and not wake up? That would be easy. But only for me. Because even if no one cares now, they would if i was gone. Don't worry. It's an empty wish to not have to deal with things, not me being suicidal. School is starting for everyone. Ben's blowing off weightloss and the military. Thinking about going to college. Which leave the time between now and second semester to start for him to change his mind again. I think he has a ring now. But why do i feel like i will never see it? No matter I guess. I love him enought to stick around somehow. Just looking at an endless string of tomorrows and wondering if i could truly make it. But not able to not make it for just one more. I love him. I can't leave him. I can't set some deadline or declare a requirement. Because what happens when he doesn't meet it? When i can't make myself live up to my threats? Better just to wait. Surely this time he will stick to a plan. And we will have a life together. That would be nice. That's all i want. Just someone who loves me and will take care of me. He says he loves me. I believe him. But why doesn't he do something about it? Why are we still in his parent's home, struggling to put up with it one more day? Is it my fault? Am i demanding too much? Pushing him away till this quite rebellion is all he thinks he has? Too many questions and no answers. Too much hurt and no healing. Too much pain for such a deep love. I'll make it one more day, and another, and another. And sooner or later, something will start to go right. Truly right. Because 'love is patient' and 'love is kind' and 'love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.' and mainly 'love never fails.' LOVE ENDURES ALL THINGS. even this.
1/15/04
Here I am again. I was having a good day then, slap, everything grinds to a hault. I'm working on my wedding dress with my aunt's mother and when I came home I asked my mom if she wanted to come with me next time to see the first fitting. Bad idea. I thought that would be a nice and easy way for my parents to start thinking about my marriage in april. Yeah, right. We didn't fight really, I rarely 'fight' with my mother. she just made it very plain that she and dad were not thrilled about this idea and didn't see why i should waste other peoples time or my money on getting ready for it. I told her I am getting married in april so i thought it wise to start getting ready so it didn't have to be a mess at the last minute. And she said so you're getting married regardless of weather dad and i approve. To which i pretty much had to respond, well, yes. And then we had the big long discussion about how love does not conquor all and we are not ready for marriage and that i should take more stock in the fact that she and dad have serious reservations about this marriage. Pretty much i said, love is the most important thing and I don't have any reservations about the marriage. She came back with how he's not done anything to show he can be a good husband and support me and I said it they wanted to arrange a marriage to a 30 yr old banker they should have done it when i was 16 and would have been happy with the idea. Now I'm an adult and realize that love is more important than getting to stay home with lots of children and not work for a living. Anyway, big mess, and all i'm thinking is, what right have you? They know so little about me, but are intent on running my life. Sometimes, I'm so tired of fighting I just want to give in. I just want to throw up my hands and say "enough, whatever you want, just leave me alone!". But it wouldn't be worth it. I love Ben, and want to be with him forever, just as he is, even if he never goes intot he military, even if he never lands a steady, well paying job, even if i have to work for the rest of my life. To love him would be worth it. It would all be worth it just to be held by him. But sometimes i feel like i will never make it to that point. That dream will be forever outside my grasp. Sometimes I just feel like getting in my car and disappearing. Sometimes I feel like not stopping until no one knows me and no one expects anything from me other than that which I can give. Sometimes, I just want to find a place where i don't have to deal with constantly letting everyone down, constantly being a disapointment. Sometimes, the fact that i could is the only thing that keeps me from doing so. Sometimes.