How to Win at Golf

1. Training
   
   1. Mental Prep.
      
      1. Watch PGA on TV religiously
      2. Get that Playstation game "Hot Shots Golf"
      3. Rent "personal victory" subliminal tapes
      
      
   2. Equipment
      
      1. Make sure your putter has a pro autograph on it
      2. Pick up a bargain bag of tees-n-balls at Costco
      
      
   3. Diet
      
      1. Avoid baseball and Football Food
         
         1. No Hotdogs
         2. No Pretzels
         3. No Peanuts and Crackerjacks
      2. Drink Diet Coke only, no Pepsi
   
   
2. Pre-Game
   
   1. Dress
      1. Put on Shorts, Even if it's Freezing
      2. Buy a new hat if you lost last time
      
      
   2. Location and Scheduling
      1. Select a course where your spouse won't find you
      2. To save on fees, play where your buddy works
      
      
   3. Opponent
      1. Look for: out-of-shape, inexperienced players
      2. Shun: Suntan, Stethoscope, strident walk, Florida accent
      3. Buy opponent as many pre-game sodas as possible
   
   
3. On the Course
   
   1. Tee first, then develop severe hayfever
   2. Drive cart over opponent's ball to degrade aerodynamics
   3. Say "fore" just before ball makes contact with opponent
   4. Always replace divots when putting
   5. Water cooler holes are a good to correct any errors in ball placement
   6. Never record strokes taken when opponent is visiting the "facilities"

Now that you have perfected you score you better stop playing for a while and go back to your business or else you're going to loose it.