TCRI Investigates After School Activities
(Official Motto: Colleges like them . . . we swear.)
This is the eleventh of installment of my as yet untitled papers. As such, it is a triumphant anniversary of sarcasm, proving once again that the average American teenager has no taste in entertainment. I freely grant my expert staff a verbal pat on the back. Special Thanks go to: Gandalf, who was always ready to do something unbearably cute when I couldn’t think of a joke, and B.C. who is secretly the brains of this operation, in that this operation has any brains at all.
The TCRI has posted another of its
studies (Official Motto: Not Legally Responsible!) studying all the various
aspects of student life. This
particular study involves extracurricular activities, which provide you with a
delightful excuse to spend even more time at school than you have to.
1. Debate (Official Motto: At least we’re not Math Team!)
Debate may be the least productive of all the extracurricular activities. It is based on assertive and argumentative people getting together and discussing topics that have no answer. There is of course, no point, but occasionally they hand out trophies, and it keeps the annoying and antagonistic people out of our hair as much as possible. So don’t question it, or we’ll make you join it.
2. Chess Club (Official Motto: We prefer the
term “coolness challenged” thank you.)
We here at the TCRI think chess is a swell activity to replace normal social development. If you happen to have so few friends that you need a support group of plastic pieces that you can manipulate as you please then Chess Club is for you. Be forewarned however, for some reason they not only expect money from you, they expect you to spend time competing with other people with the same level of personal magnetism. We don’t understand why, but apparently this elaborate con works for some people. Go figure.
3. Math Team (Official Motto: At least we’re
not Debate!)
Math Team is the activity for those of you who seem to feel that math is a recreational activity, which it is not. Math is a chore that we must tackle ever April because of the sadists at the IRS. They could probably get more money if they just told us how much to give them, but that wouldn’t cause the same amounts of fear and stress. So the IRS established our current taxation methods in order to drive the requisite number of people mad. The people that will grow up to do other people’s taxes for money or join the IRS to check people’s taxes are the people that founded Math Team. Furthermore this is disturbingly one of the largest and most successful non-athletic activities. We here at the TCRI are looking into what this could mean for future generations of taxation.
4. Astronomy Club (Official Motto: Sleep is for
the weak.)
Astronomy club requires only
two things: Insomnia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you happen to be completely unable to
sleep during the ungodly hours between midnight and four a.m. then Astronomy
Club provides the opportunity to go with a group of people out into the
freezing cold night to watch the sky.
Astronomy Club will be the first to know if the sky is falling, unless
the Math Team predicts it before hand.
So be nice to Astronomy Club members, or they won’t tell you when it
happens.
5. German Club (Official Motto: We could insult
you and you’d never know!)
We here at the TCRI went to
investigate the German Club in person.
We spoke with a seemingly mild mannered woman named “Anya” who turned
out to be a communist cow slaughterer and then we were officially initiated
into the German Club. The initiation
process involved us repeating after them:
“Alles
Amerikaner sind echt zum Kotzen. Jetzt
bin ich nicht ein Amerikaner, ein Deutschlander bin ich. Ich glaube alles Amerikaner sind tote hose
and fürzenköpfer. Und das ist die Wahrheit.”
After taking our oath we were given our first task, to infiltrate the French and Spanish Clubs and sabotage them from the inside out. You should join the German Club too. Do it before it’s too late.
6. Mock Trial (Official Motto: Hehehe . . . Silly Trial!)
In mock trial groups of students dress up in formal outfits and mimic a
court just outside its window. Then,
when the judge comes out all angry, they stick their tongue out at him and flee
giggling. Other Mock Trial activities include writing rude letters to members
of juries, and sitting around and complaining about the American legal
system. All and all, it’s the only club
we discovered that actually does exactly what it promises.
This is the TCRI signing off to infiltrate . . . join the French Club.