Democracy: Just Say No.
Having tackled and defeated the dreaded writer’s block that has plagued me for so long, I feel deserving of a great deal of praise that has failed to follow. As such a failure constitutes a distinct lacking among all my fans, I have decided to shun you all. Consider yourself shunned. Now that you have been properly chastised for your inability to fill my life with gratuitous praise, we move on to today’s topic.
So far there have been few complaints as to my topics of choice, except to demand a revision of the guy-basher. I am pleased that you have not been bored to tears by my artistic vision, but it turns out it isn’t nearly as easy to think of topics as you ungrateful shunned fans seem to think. Therefore I would ask that you all do your best to try and think of topics and relay them to me so I don’t have to lose so much sleep wondering what I should ridicule.
Today we question the legitimacy of the American style of government. I am not sure why I am bitter at the government today. It could be the hyper-complicated curfew/graduated license laws designed to keep young people from enjoying their youth and making old people jealous, or it could be the Grad Standards created by some unspeakable evil and obviously the sort of activity that Ventura plans between Playboy™ interviews. It could be that I just feel the election of Ventura is in and of itself reason to undermine the seriousness and authority of Minnesotan democracy.
You see, loyal readers, democracy doesn’t work. It would if everyone who voted was a well educated and reasonably intelligent person who had a valid opinion on various issues ~ but so far there is only one of me and odds are against another appearing before Ventura’s term is up.
The right to vote should be determined by a simple test. People attempting to vote should be required to name three reason’s for their choice of candidate, and if any one of them was “He done got him some Wrastlin’ to do!” or “I done saw him on da Tee-Vee!” then they would be shot and dragged into the corner as a warning to other voters.
This simple test, along with a sobriety requirement would raise the standard of Minnesota politics to the point where we might never hear about Jesse’s views on the Irish culture again. But of course, far be it from me to comment. I’m not bitter.
Many people would protest that this is contradictory to American ideals. But I say, ideals be damned, if you can’t reliably spell your candidate’s name, then you shouldn’t be allowed to vote for him. I’m not entirely convinced these people should be allowed to breed, or use up valuable oxygen supplying all the hot air they need to spout their opinions. But I’m willing to be generous.
But why stop at the voters? After all, the politicians cater to their idiocy. I could go the rest of my life without hearing about The Body’s solutions to important societal issues like prostitution and marijuana. If he had an answer besides, “If we make it legal, it will reduce crime rates!” then maybe I wouldn’t whine so much. This serious problem extends to the highest levels of government.
This is made obvious by a number of facts, not the least of which is that a man named Newt was elected to a position of power. Our president is a former marijuana smoker who cheats on his wife and hails from Arkansas (Official Motto: Inhaling is for Alabama!). His wife is currently politically active in New York, a state she could probably locate on a map given enough tries. Former Vice Presidents include Dan Quayle, who prefers his potatoes with E’s and Al Gore, who is personally responsible for the Internet. And we all know what that’s about, don’t we?
All our major leaders have had some form of personal deficiency, right down to George Washington, who somehow succeeded in politics despite being unable to lie. It’s a wonder our great nation has lasted as long as it has, much less managed to become a manipulative and arrogant superpower, playing Hall Monitor to the rest of the nations of the world. It’s my feeling that it’s mostly the fault of the British, on account of I blamed the Canadians last time. Next time, it’s the French’s turn.
Silly French.