The Spirit of Christmas
Warning: This
may be too cynical for young readers.
I’ve decided that this particular episode of my periodical madness is to have seasonal theme. I feel that the crass commercialism of this particular Holiday season deserves special attention from me, and I’m getting a little bit bored of always falling back on the government and TCRI studies. So today we mock good old family values. This will be aimed at Christmas, because I am familiar with the customs surrounding it. I am aware of but not familiar enough with holidays like Kwanza and Hanukkah to mock them without potentially causing an international incident. So my failing to mentioning them isn’t cultural insensitivity, it’s a fear of the almighty power of the P.C. coming back to roost.
Christmas comes but once a year, because if it came more often then the people of the nation would go berserk and form rioting mobs that would wander the street stealing Furby’s and Pokemon related merchandise. For weeks afterwards pieces of “Tickle-Me-Elmos” would be found lying in gutters with Beanie Babies and Power Ranger Dolls. Homeless children would wander the streets in rags and pounce on any hint of brand name merchandise like a swarm of ravenous vultures. The cities would fall into disrepair as adults left their jobs to participate in bloody wars over the last Super Ninja G.I. Collectible Action Figure with Kung Fu Chop And Special Inflated Price. Anarchy would reign.
So Christmas is limited to once a year by international law. U.N. Peacekeeping patrols wander through third world countries keeping a sharp eye out for black market Christmas production. And the corporations in America do their absolute best to hype the one Christmas they are allowed a year. For these companies, Christmas begins in November and doesn’t end till Christmas morning. This special window of frenetic shopping is known as “Satan’s Favorite Season” because of the enormous spike in violent crime rates everywhere in the world, even among the Amish, who are sworn pacifists and can’t go shopping for evil “technology toys” anyway.
During this magical time of year, people all across America strive to spread good cheer and the Christmas Spirit by fighting duels to the death for the right to spend their hard earned cash on hunks of plastic manufactured in Japan. The Japanese have specialized in swindling silly Americans for many years now, and take a great deal of amusement and profit out of our Yuletide misery.
This all seems pointless, until you realize that the end goal of all this Christmas mayhem is to teach our children about the Meaning of Christmas and the Christmas Spirit. You see, the Meaning of Christmas is to fuel the Japanese economy while doing severe emotional and physical damage to fellow shoppers, and the Christmas Spirit is the prize you get if you get the present in the biggest box.
Some people will try and tell you that the best gift you can get over the holidays doesn’t come in a box. They are lying. Don’t let them swindle you with that whole “love” thing. Have you checked the market value of “love” recently? Money can’t buy love ~ it’s free. That’s right, free. The best gift you can get for Christmas is the New Jigglychumander Pokemon Action Doll that Just Sits There And Looks Unbearably Cute and Collectible. Gotta buy ’em all!
The best part about Christmas is the giving, which involves spending long hours in an already emptied store trying to find anything that even remotely falls into your price range until you give up and just get them something too expensive that they won’t really like. This gift is guaranteed to be unreturnable even if it says it is right on the unopened packaging.
Then on Christmas Eve, after you have received all these undesirable gifts (most of which are clothing, usually underwear or socks) then you can go to sleep and Santa Clause will come. Santa Clause is a big fat neurotic burglar who breaks in your house through the chimney and fills all your socks with coal, unless you meet his impossible standards of being a good little boy or girl in which case you get whatever you wanted, unless you wanted something he didn’t feel like delivering. Santa developed this psychotic judgement compulsion from ordering about his slave labor force of elves and reindeer during the offseason.
Normally I’m not this cynical, but having spent several hours putting up garish Christmas decorations goes a long way towards making me admire Scrooge’s attitude.