America Gets Groovy
Nothing is better than eternal happiness. A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Logically, a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness. Now, this doesn’t represent my opinion. Clearly the originator of this classic argument failed to realize that a ham sandwich is synonymous with eternal happiness, and if you have one you automatically have the other. I present this introduction, not as my own creation but as an argument presented to me by “Nate of Debate” who heard it from a debate camp in Iowa. That’s right Iowa. No wonder the logic was flawed.
You may be wondering to yourself, “But doesn’t he usually make his own jokes?” Well, usually I do. But I made the unfortunate choice to be within a three-mile radius of a Simon and Garfunkel CD recently, and for about a week everything I think will be followed by “ . . . feelin’ groovy.” Since I am unable to think of any jokes with a punchline of “ . . . feelin’ groovy.” I can’t make any jokes at all. Also, my youngest cat has become unbearably cute, and the Holiday decorations are up at my house. All of these things have combined to reduce my I.Q. to the point where I am reliably outwitted by cottage cheese.
So you readers will just have to suffer through a sprinkling of secondhand jokes for this paper, because I am too busy . . . feelin’ groovy. Sorry, but at least I didn’t listen to an ABBA Cd. So, here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson. Oops . . . there I go again. And this paper does have a point, despite extensive evidence to the contrary.
I’m sure all my readers except the despicable black market readers who get secondhand copies from illegitimate unlicensed non-me dealers have heard the classic math problem with the three men and the bellhop. For those of you dirty black market consumers who no doubt propagate communism in your spare time, three men pay ten dollars apiece to a bellhop, who realizes he over charged them. He rushes to give them back their five, but realizes that they can’t divide it up evenly so he keeps two dollars himself to make dividing evenly possible. So the three men pay 9$ apiece, and the bellhop has 2$, where’s the missing dollar?
(Note the Advantages of Capitalism, Communist Readers.)
Many people feel that this is a result of adding the two dollars the bellhop has instead of subtracting it, but this is actually not the case. The real reason is that our current method of mathematics is based on the old Arabic system. We base our math system on the Arabic one because the Arabs are way better at math than Americans are. The same could be said of Britain, Japan, Germany, Russia, most third world countries, pond water and potted plants, although not Canada.
Though normally very good at math, the Arabs had a rather large flaw in their method of mathematical logic. You see, Arabs based a good deal of their advanced math on the idea that the ratio pi determined the size of a circle, when clearly the size of the circle determines how much pi you get. The Arabs, being from Arabic nations and having never before eaten pi, made this assumption and based their math system on it, and the number ten, which turned out later to not exist.
After having gone to all the trouble to develop a math system, the Arabs didn’t really want to go back and start over, so they sold this flawed system to America under the heading “factory defect ~ great bargain!” The Arabs understood what nearly all civilized nations know now, America will buy anything. The Japanese have based their economy on this principle, known as the law of Silly Americans.
The only non-American Idiocy Based industries in Japan is the “Making Electronic Stuff Smaller” Industry and the “Cheap Plastic Stuff” Industry. Actually, the Cheap Plastic Stuff Industry is American Idiocy based.
“American’s aren’t that dumb” you’re no doubt thinking, being an American. “And anyway, who are you to talk? You’re an American!” I can’t help being American, and Americans are that dumb. We can’t help it. On international standardized testing we generally score in the same range as the pencil shavings of other countries. Which just goes to show you that standardized testing is more accurate than they like to admit in America.
As you’ve no doubt already realized, it is only by the purest chance that we have managed to survive this long at all ~ eventually Canada is going to realize how defenseless we are and then they’ll be quick to call us hosers, eh. After that it’s only inevitable that the aliens our government has been keeping under wraps will be contacted by the Canadians, and will become disgusted with humanity as a whole. They will bombard our planet with Znorlax’s Anti-Vermin Planet Death Ray (As seen on TV) and then it’s all up to the cockroaches to give it another try. Let’s hope they don’t listen to any Arabs.