Guys are Freaks, Too
A
Study by the TCRI
When I published the second in my series of verbal oddities, “Guys and Dolls” exploring the interesting quirks of the male persuasion, there were a few complaints. Admittedly, I am I guy myself, and it makes it difficult to see the more glaring flaws in the eyes of women. Many of the women who read this article and the next one, “TCRI explains Women” was unfairly balanced. Looking back I realize that my guy bashing may have been subtle protest in disguise. I apologize. In an effort to be fair, I asked several of the girls who objected to my bias what they felt the more mysterious and annoying aspects of guys were. Here is the long awaited list of questions and answers that reveal the truth behind men.
The TCRI apologizes again for any inconvenience this may have caused.
1. Why is it that guys can remember the Super
Bowl dates for years in the future and years in the past but they can’t seem to
remember birthdays or anniversaries?
That’s simple enough. When was the last time your anniversary involved violent physical contact, junk food, beer commercials and insane cheering all at once? Actually, guys can’t remember for a very simple biological reason. The part of the brain that controls remembering non-sport related dates is right next to the chunk that allows expression of emotions under the overall “chick-stuff lobe”. The “chick-stuff lobe” is located in the front of the brain, under the forehead and undergoes a unique process when puberty hits. Much like the famous “cute or stupid lobe” in girls, hormones remove this unnecessary part. Little testosterone warriors march up and down the avenues of the brain, instituting martial law amongst all the sectors and outright slaughtering resistance forces such as the “chick-stuff lobe”. The scene runs something like this:
Testosterone Warrior – “Sarge, feminine thoughts lurking in the ‘chick-stuff lobe’!”
Testosterone Sergeant – “I hope it isn’t one ”
Guy’s Feminine Side – “Can’t we just talk this over?”
Testosterone Sergeant – “Fire!”
Guy’s Feminine Side – Splat.
2. When did guys lose the
ability to distinguish between colors that match nicely and colors that will
blind the unprepared observer?
You remember the answer to question one? Good. You see, also located under the forehead next to the “chick-stuff lobe” is the part of a person’s brain that identifies colors. This section is unfortunately one of the priority targets of the testosterone. The TCRI did a little investigation on this and discovered that testosterone soldiers, as a rule, were hideously dressed freaks with the fashion sense that spawned and fed the polyester industry, until the women of the world put a stop to it. Apparently the stray rebel thoughts would laugh at the poorly dressed testosterone.
Testosterone – “Not doing anything feminine, are you?”
Color Identifying Synapse (stifling chuckle) – Not at all, Fashion Boy.
Testosterone – “Make fun of me will you?”
Color Identifying Synapse – Splat.
And so the end of men’s ability to separate normal colors from colors that should have federal laws restricting their use in the same outfit.
5. Why are guys never satisfied with only one girl?
Because there are so many more out there. Have you ever studied the African Lion? The average adult male lion sleeps 20 hours a day, and the female lions do nearly all the hunting. His basic job is to breed new lions. All guys admire and envy the African Lion. Many guys are secretly Hindu in the hopes of being reincarnated as a lion. Secretly, guys meet in girl free areas, such as a singles bar, and discuss how “Shiiiit, man. If I was a lion . . .” Men love this topic. They envision a typical Lion day ~
Male Lion (Waking up – 3:00pm): Woman! Get me some food!
Female Lion (getting food): Thinks he’s so special . . .
Male Lion: ’Bout Time woman! (Falls back asleep)
~ and they grin with glee. They can’t help it.
6. What is it with guys and lesbianism?
We here at the TCRI are just not even getting into this one. It’s time for us to play our “cute cat story” card. Today’s story is that these two cats, who still consider themselves male despite expensive operations to the contrary (Guys out there, I had no say in it!), were not available to comment on account of there were a couple of girl-cats experimenting in our backyard. But we’re not getting into that!
4. Why can’t guys ever communicate their feelings?
After a long and comprehensive study, the TCRI came up with the definitive answer for this, perhaps the ultimate mystery of males. The answer is ~ Guys are communicating their feelings. The natural feminine assumption is that guys are as capable of high level thought and emotion as gals, and that they simply choose not to express it. This understandably infuriates many women. But the fact is, guys simply don’t feel complicated emotions. Our repertoire is usually limited to, “I’m Hungry”, “I’m Tired”, “I’m Thirsty”, and “Dang that girl’s Hot!” That’s it. You probe and search for deep hidden emotion and meaning and there isn’t any. The most complicated emotion most guys have ever had is “I’d like to get in her pants!” They can’t help it, as mentioned in question one the “chick-stuff lobe” controls emotional thought.
Testosterone – Quit thinking at me!
Emotionally Assertive Thought – Splat.
7. Why do guys actually seek out pain and brag about instances in which
they deliberately caused themselves severe personal pain and hideous
disfigurements?
Some of you alert readers will no doubt find amusing the fact that this question will not, despite severe temptation, reuse the testosterone excuse. We here at the TCRI are dedicated to providing the answers you loyal readers crave. So here goes. Long study by the TCRI indicates that there exists an inverse relationship between the number of guys present in a room and the total brainpower of all the guys in the room. Basically guys make each other stupid. This is because of the noxious effects of the pheromone “Manly Sweat” which makes girls drool out of passion, or maybe just because they passed out from the fumes. Manly Sweat is not at all related to how women glisten or shimmer. It is a raunchy, oppressive, environmentally toxic, industrial strength stench. It kills brain cells by the thousands, thus making guys stupider. This is even more acute within the confines of a weightlifting room or workout gym.
We hope that this satisfies all those offended women out there. The TCRI disclaims any and all responsibility for male behavior, and makes the official statement, “Yes Testosterone really does do all that.” If you have any comments or complaints, please mail them to your local congressperson. Do not attempt to contact the TCRI under any circumstances. This means you!