TCRI answers Clique Questions
Back by popular demand – The Two Cats Research Institute has perpetrated another of its infamous studies. This time the TCRI is looking into clique safety and identification in the wilderness. The namesake cats, who are obviously way more popular than the author of the studies carefully considered this problem before begging for a cat treat, which resembles a “Scooby Snack™” except is way less appetizing and smells vaguely of congealed fish. Congealed meat is one of the four major cat food groups, along with dead things and things that leave a powerful smell that tends to linger days after the source is removed and destroyed utterly.
The following question and answer study is solely the responsibility of the TCRI and not the human publicist, who works for a moderate fee and is currently on strike. Please show your sympathy by making small, preferably edible, donations. Thank you.
1. What exactly is a nerd? Where can one find a nerd in a hurry?
A nerd can be easily identified by his natural aura, which expresses the vibrant statement “I am a nerd.” Nerds tend to cluster in small packs around natural nerd lures such as calculators, computers, or “Magic: The Gathering™” a card game based loosely on the concept of killing your opponent with an army of genetically unlikely forces the world has so far lucked out of having to deal with. Your average nerd can be dangerous in the right conditions however, so take care when Nerd-hunting and always have a guide. Remember the words of one nerd, “If the number of nerds = x, and you plug in the equation ((x²-ƒ(n))/2x³(ƒ(n))) < x where n = the number of people in your hunting party, then you’d best prepare yourself for a mockery on the same scale as drunken frat gnomes confronting a pack of enchanted pixies armed with +2 insults.” With this bit of sage advice you are ready to hunt your first nerd.
2. Why would anyone actively try and participate
in “Chess Club”?
Yeah right like we know. Maybe it’s one of the “Top Ten signs that your friends are crack-addicts.” I seem to recall our D.A.R.E. officer mentioning something about always reporting Chess Club members to an adult you trust. Or was that Debate?
3. What should one do if ambushed by a Student Council member in the wild?
There are only two major dangers in dealing with Student Council members ~ but don’t underestimate them. They have the highest level of perkiness of any group of people on the planet, and I include morning talk show hosts in that statement. This level of perkiness applies regardless of time or amount of caffeine, so be on your guard. This danger is easily avoided if you are prepared however. Simply disguise yourself as an equally optimistic and plucky person until they leave you, hunting for someone whose cynicism appears to be getting the better of them. Remember, SC members are incredibly tenacious, so don’t resist. Fake perkiness until they leave. The second major danger is the possibility that they may attempt to get you involved in some form of activity, most notably Student Council itself. Remember ~ perkiness is a highly contagious disease in certain conditions. If they try this, your only hope is to run screaming into the wilderness and hide in the smokers’ bathroom.
4. What steps are being taken to deal with the
notorious Jock clique?
Currently the Nerds are involved in raising funds for “High School Football” which is a program designed to keep Jocks from growing restless and throwing large pieces of furniture at each other. Football is based on the theory that allowing the Jocks to smash at each other for a period of time each day will cause them to work out some of their excess testosterone onto the field where it can be mopped up and disposed of. To keep them occupied they are told that they have scored a certain amount of “points” (determined by the number of “baskets” a “Goalie” has “hit” in the “bullseye”) and that they have “won” or “lost” the “game”.
That’s the extent of the TCRI’s current research into clique safety. Remember ~ cliques are dangerous and unless you are a trained professional it is the recommendation of the TCRI that you avoid contact when possible. Happy Hiking!