Computers or Sanity: The
choice is yours.
Our topic today is the amazing advances of electronics. For years now technology has been progressing by leaps and bounds. Despite all these improvements however, computers still have their trademark, admittedly astounding ability to fail at even the simplest of its intended functions. To the best of our knowledge, computers are specifically designed to be able to do almost nothing but play games of solitaire no one had ever heard of before the invention of computers. Besides providing new and exciting solitaire hybrids computers are capable of only a few more things. Here’s a complete list.
1.
Do Neat Stuff
Many computers possess the ability to perform great wonders that nobody
would ever, ever, ever notice, in a million years. I include expert programmers in that. To compensate for this idiocy on the part of people to not
appreciate when their RAM has been recompiled into 60% fewer Kilowatts per
meter-second, computers developed the ability to brag. When a computer has
achieved something remarkable like changing the time on Daylight Savings, then
it will display a small message, demanding undeniably that you acknowledge it’s
triumph before continuing to do what ever you were doing. Message boxes are only one form of
Computer-bragging, however. When your
computer successfully does what you told it to (and that’s not often) then it
will inform you with one of two things: a ear-piercing mind-numbing beep set
two stages louder than your average fire alarm, or the musical equivalent of
“Ta – DA!” You will encounter this proud chord when you shut down, which
happens just before you realize you forgot to print whatever you were typing
up.
2.
Do Illegal Stuff
If any of you loyal readers out there have encountered the famous
“Windows” program by “Bill Gates” of “Microsoft”, then you will be familiar
with this phenomenon. You see, when
your computer gets bored, or senses you might be accomplishing something
interesting or useful then it will shut down the program and inform you it has
“performed an illegal operation” and tells you to “contact the manufacturer”
blaming the program as if we didn’t know it did it. These are the computers that run the US government. It will display this little gem on a message
box that will give you the option to look at a the “details” of the error,
which is just a series of letters and numbers that mean nothing even to the
original programmers or you can click on “OK” as if you approve of your
computer’s little jaunt on the wrong side of the tracks. If you click on this button the FBI will
know, and will bust into your house with guns the next time you try and take a
shower. In case you were wondering, the
computer is actually electronically stealing all of the money in the bank where
your account is and transferring it to a Anonymous Swiss Bank Account that Bill
Gates has created for that purpose.
That’s why he can afford to buy small African countries solely to cause
them to war amongst themselves for his amusement.
3.
Connect you to the
Internet
Closely related to doing illegal stuff is the Internet. The Internet is a worldwide web of computers
cleverly designed so that all of them can get a busy signal at the same
time. If by some bizarre chance a lone
rebel should be able to connect with the Internet then it is designed so that
no matter what you type in to the search engine you will see nothing but a long
list of sites where you can hear the truth about UFOs. There are also sites whose only reason for
existing is to tell you all about people you’ve never met, complete with
pictures of friends, pets and family.
Apparently the Internet is supposed to be a stalkers paradise ~ who else
would want to read all about their child’s latest beauty pageant prize? Why all this secrecy you ask? Why no real information? Because the
Internet is where the government keeps their deepest, darkest secrets. The
Nixon Administration, Area 51, Deep Throat, it’s all on there. Just keep looking!
4.
Allow the exchange
of “Email”
Emails are an amazing communication tool that allows you to type up a
letter on your computer, and click the send button, ensuring that no matter
what you wrote everyone on the planet but the addressee will be reading it
within seconds. This includes ~ but is
not limited to ~ teenage hackers, several random email addresses, the British
Government, the CIA, the IRS, a number of the larger terrorist organizations,
the more advanced of the aliens among us, and Bill Gates. But this isn’t all; computers also allow you
to receive email!
This isn’t to imply you will receive email addressed to you, of
course. What you will receive is the electronic equivalent of junk mail, named after
Spam, because similar to the meat-like plastic it is useful only to forward to
people you don’t like. The sort of Spam
you will receive varies, but will usually include, ads for dirty internet
sites, products you can’t imagine ever buying, sweepstakes nobody ever wins,
credit cards, chain mail, and notices that people you have never met have
overdue library books out.
So if you plan to obtain a computer to sharpen your solitaire skills, then we will need to practice bizarrely unlikely threats and accusations for if you try and install any programs or even think the word internet. We don’t advise it.