Student Council or Student Dictatorship?
This
speech was recorded on an earlier date last year, for reasons unknown to this
day. The transcript appeared
mysteriously on our doorstep with the heading, “A speech protesting the evils
of student government by the Prince of Insolence, twice winner of the coveted
‘That child ain’t right’ award.” It was
highlighted in a bizarre and apparently random fashion as if the previous owner
had achieved some form of high from the highlighter fumes. Next to the transcript was a ball of
crumpled up plastic wrap and the scrawled lyrics from several songs from Les Miserables.
We present it hear today for your edification. We wish to emphasize our lack of responsibility for this particular work. If you feel like complaining about the irrationality, please remember: This does not necessarily represent the views of this columnist.
My friends, as many of you are
already aware, there is a terrible problem with the educational system in the
621 district. No, I don’t mean the Grad
Standards, or Integrated Math, or even “surprise soy burger day” in the
cafeteria. No, I am referring to something far more dire. Something which haunts us every year from
September to June. I’m talking about .
. . STUDENT COUNCIL!!!
Or should I say, Student Despotism?!? Yes, my friend, I am taking a stand against the ruling class, regardless of the great personal risk. They dare not strike back, for a martyr will unite the downtrodden against the outdated feudalism that created ‘Student Council’. Many of you are already saying ~ no wonder he twice won the coveted ‘That child ain’t right’ Award, but first you must ask yourselves, what protects your rights from the dreaded SC? Have you a Student Constitution? A Student Bill of Rights, perhaps? Student Judicial Review?
I am here to protest the appalling misbalance of power amongst the student body. Even as the Student ‘Representatives’ – and I use the term loosely, meet in their opulent surroundings to bestow T-shirts upon themselves, the average student, or “peon” as they are often called, toils away at the so-called “Sock Drive” or “Homeless Sleepout” to provide slave labor to pay for the SC’s wild T-shirt expenses.
Yes, they feed the homeless, and yes, they raise money for the poor, but at what cost? I was just recently forced out of my typical lunchroom haunt when a Student Council Squad forcibly commandeered my table to “help feed the homeless”. I saw no homeless. This tyranny must end.
Yes, yes, I know many of you are saying, “How could it be tyrannical? It’s democratic!” Well, it’s my theory that the elections are rigged. After all, if it really is a democratic popularity contest, than how is it that no one I like is elected? Hmmm? Exactly.
My friends, it is time indeed that we limit SC. What’s next, after these rigged elections and slave labor drives? A Student Secret Police? A network of spies and informants telling all to select members high in the chain of command in the hopes of being placed higher on the waiting list for excess yearbooks? How far a step is it really from Soviet tech waiting lists to Yearbook ones?
If you want no more part in this outdated, parasitic, vampiric and decadent feudal empire, then throw down your shackles and join us!!! We, the Students Against Student Suppression, promise to S.A.S.S. any representative of the student tyranny we come across. We hope that through a policy of severe mockery and whininess we can achieve student equality. So shout out our battle cry from every rooftop, “Share the T-shirt Wealth!!!”