Nuclear Fun for Everyone!
Howdy folks! Our topic today is – you guessed it, nuclear test ban treaties. I’m hear to express my largely uneducated and ignorant opinion as loudly as possible ~ and hopefully with the word nuclear used many times on account of it’s really fun to say. Seriously, try it. Nuclear. Other fun words to say include quark, defenestrate, and exponential. Who says science is boring? But no time for that now.
I have no doubts that you educated and issue-aware Americans have already formed an educated and issue-aware opinion. When you have a moment, you’ll no doubt come out of your high level corporate meetings long enough to tell us how to vote. But in the mean time, the backbone and some of the more important tendons of America ~ namely all the people responsible for the continued existence of soap operas and professional wrestling ~ needs a loud-mouthed idiot to do what he does best, get elected governor.
I don’t want to be governor. But I’ll be that loud-mouthed idiot if the topic of nuclear test ban treaties is raised. Why, you ask? Because nuclear is fun to say. Nuclear. (Kills me every time!) I also have a problem reading the dosage levels on my prescription medication, and as a result have discovered the perfect answer to the nuclear test ban dilemma. I have discussed this solution with my extensive research team, consisting of our eldest cat B.C. and his hyperactive apprentice Gandalf ~ who I’m pretty sure has gotten into my medication and is affecting the dosage levels somehow. Their response was an overwhelming indifference ~ which is pretty much their response to anything that doesn’t involve food or opening the front door. So I feel pretty confident presenting my idea to you after this rigorous testing process.
Simplified down for you “Wrestling is real!” types my idea is this ~ we simply require all nuclear testing to be done in distant foreign countries that are obscure and difficult to pronounce like Sierra Leone, Seychelles, Ukraine, Canada, Great Britain, and South Dakota (which isn’t really south of anything, except North Dakota). All of these countries actually do exist, with the exception of Canada, which is really just one of the fifty states.
This idea has many benefits ~ even besides eliminating British Royalty for good. We also remove some of the hardest answers on Geography quizzes, which will raise the average student’s test scores and improve our international educational ranking. This in turn will improve the economy in some unknown but presumably drastic way ~ or so several respectable looking fellows on respectable channels like PBS tell us in the brief moment before we return to the “Amnesiac elderly women and the pro wrestlers who love them, next on the Sally Ricky Geraldo Show” marathon.
I know what some of you are thinking ~ If we blow up Canada and Great Britain, who will we make fun of then? The answer is quite clear. The Government. Many humor pioneers such as myself have already begun this fine American mission to gently poke good-natured fun at the political ranks of Washington. Some have discovered such expeditions to be fruitful, finding that many political names and terms are also fun to say ~ for example Newt Gingrich, impeach, and Republicanism. We can look to these successes to be a guiding light into the future of American humor.
I know many of you doubt that any of us will ever be able to ignore the ponderous seriousness of the American government long enough to make light of it, but trust me, all will be shown in time. Now I must leave ~ I think it’s time for Dawson the Felicity Slayer and I’m due for another pill.