Guys and Dolls
Today’s issue is the ever present Gender Gap (italics and capitalization means it’s important). This is not to imply that this topic contains many fun words to say ~ except testosterone. Well ~ there are other fun words to say, but mostly you will get slapped several times in quick succession if you attempt to make a joke on this topic. As a professional humorist, I present this strong warning: Don’t try this at home. It can only lead to severe injuries of a very unpleasant nature. So be very careful when searching for humorous words in this area.
I did a careful study on the topic and consulted my research team of Cat and Smaller Cat, who when presented with the problem were quick to lose interest and begin hacking up a hairball and collecting ammunition for a hairball, respectively. With their help I was able to determine that whenever a guy says anything about girls, be it as innocent as “Only girls go to the girl’s bathroom” he is definitively mistaken. Guys at home, take note, you are always wrong. No exceptions. Ask any girl nearby. They’ll be quick to explain to you that any thought you’ve ever had pertaining to anything other than Monday Night Football was completely and totally ridiculous, unless you were agreeing with a girl.
This originally began in caveman days, when male cavemen went out and tried killing things to eat them (not having yet invented the grocery store) and female cavemen became philosophers and spent their time discovering How the World Works (note important-looking capitalization and italics). When the guys came home and presented the hard earned meat, the women would nod knowingly and realize that their lack of understanding was due their unfortunate Y chromosome, notorious for carrying the Stupid Gene and the Fear of Commitment Gene.
Yes, you guys may not yet have realized it, but none of you are mature enough for a Real Relationship. Maybe you thought you were. But, as we can see ~ that has nothing to do with Monday Night Football, so you’re obviously wrong. You come equipped with the Fear of Commitment Gene, which makes it impossible for you to enjoy any relationship on the levels women do.
Some scientists (female of course) speculate that this lack of ability to think on any level higher than pond sludge may be a result of the way guys greet each other. Guys, as we all know, have a strict code about when it is acceptable to touch another guy (besides hi-fives and handshakes) ~ namely never outside of sports. Guys have invented all sorts of ways to get around this such as “you da man” and “yeah, dog” replacing running across the hall to hug each other, driven to tears by a reunion after almost all of fifth period. This lack of crying and hugging, along with an inability to apply the requisite amount of fingernail polish is one of the theories explaining Guy Things.
Don’t mistake Guy Things for Girl Things. Guy Things are severe social disorders that need to be cured before they cause massive psychological breakdowns for everyone involved. Girl Things are distinct natural advantages bred by hundreds of years of social and biological evolution. Guy Things are diseases, Girl Things are simply mysteries too deep for our testosterone-contaminated minds to understand.
In conclusion, guys, don’t fight it. Your ecological and social niche is to fund shopping and carry shopping bags. Girls will tolerate you if you are quiet and well behaved. Remember ~ they have mystical powers we can’t understand, and will hypnotize and brainwash you anyway. They can do it. They can do anything.