TCRI explains Women
As we all know, the scientists of yesterday, who are very important in that they are dead now, gave us all the laws of science we know and love today. One of our personal favorites here at the Two Cats Research Institute was always “For every bashing there must be an equal and opposite re-bashing”. In concordance with that hallowed rule of the past, the TCRI has come out with a study of the more interesting “quirks” of the female persuasion.
It is important to note that this paper is merely in the interests of fairness. We here at the TCRI like girls. Girls are swell ~ way more fun to look at then guys. We just feel that after our male bashing paper the laws of physics demand a girl-bashing paper. Blame those dead scientists who were made famous by their laws and haircuts. Mostly their haircuts.
So to answer this universal law the TCRI will present a series of question that has plagued Man since the dawn of time. We will then attempt to provide as much answer as we are capable of. It’s our cosmic duty.
Question 1: When did women lose the ability to tell the difference
between “Dang, that’s stupid looking.” and “Ohhhh, How Cute!” ?
Answer: Women can’t tell
the difference between stupid looking and cute because of a simple biological
factor. In the wild, ancient man had to
find food and kill things. Ancient
woman had to make sure that ancient child kept out of trouble and died as
little as possible. Nature was
confronted with a problem however.
Babies and children[1]
are ugly, unpleasant little whiny blobs with a tendency to share their dinner
with everyone around them, both before and after eating it. Naturally none of the ancient women wanted
to deal with such things. So Nature
responded by creating Estrogen, a hormone that destroys the part of the brain
that differentiates between “idiotic” and “darling”. Once a girl hits puberty their chances of knowing the difference
is very slim indeed.
Question 2: Why do women ask things like “Does this dress make me
look fat?”
Answer: They are testing
your ability to see through deadly traps.
They time how long it takes you to say know and then will punish you
later with dropped hints about which of the Boy Toy Bands is their
favorite. It doesn’t matter how quickly
you say it ~ you’ve already failed.
They expected an answer before they asked the question. If were especially slow (e.g. – you waited
until she finished the question to say “NO!”) then they will tell you their
favorite member and on extreme occasions (e.g. You didn’t shake your head so
vigorously you cracked a neck vertebrae while saying “NO!”) they will tell you why this particular teen
heartthrob is more attractive than you.
God help you if you say “It’s not the dress.”
Question 3: Is there something wrong with the hair color they
started with?
Answer: We’re not sure. We
suspect it may involve some form of buzz they get off the dye fumes. This is also why products such as leg hair
removal creams were created. These
substances generate an odor that will cause men to pass out days after they
have been used.
Question 4: Why do women go to the bathroom in groups like it’s
some kind of trek into the wilderness and they need a hiking party?
Answer: This is because girl bathrooms have a large waiting area with comfortable couches and large screen TV’s where women go to complain about the inequalities of the world that makes the universe seem bent on forcing women to sit down before relieving themselves. This is a major pet peeve of many women and they respond by forming anti-urinal clubs. These clubs meet in the waiting area of the bathrooms and watch Lifetime while explaining to each other that “Men are such pigs.”
Question 5: Why are men
“such pigs”?
Answer: The TCRI consulted
with our namesake study group for the answer to this one. BC (the chairman of the Study Group) yawned
interestedly as we presented our problem, and then proceeded to demand to be
let out the front door in a loud mewl.
Gandalf (The other half of our Two Cat Study Group) was also helpful. He quickly sprinted across the hall skidded
a little and pounced on BC.
Unfortunately he added a bit too much power into his pounce and flipped
off BC’s back and crashed into the door.
Luckily he hit his head so no serious damage was sustained and he was
able to flee in terror from our vicious attack door. He still is frightened of it.
So to answer your question cats are pretty dumb.
So now you know everything you will ever need to know about women and the idiosyncrasies of their behavior. Just remember ~ if you feel like suing anyone, It’s the dead guy’s law of physics, not ours. Watch out for vicious attack doors.