Fashionably Rich
I have decided to start my own fashion company. I plan to call it Calvin Tyler Lauren and Fitch Navy Republic. You may be chuckling to yourself right now, “That crazy Tyler and his get-rich-quick-schemes”, you’re probably thinking. But this one’s not like the squirrel based fast food chain!
You see, there’s a lot of money to be found in the fashion industry. It turns 90% of teenagers become compulsive buyers at the slightest hint of a fad. You can whisper “I heard so and so says such and such brand is cool” to a group of teenage kids with money, and even if you said Ross Perot and Rainbow Suspenders the store would already be sold out by the time you finished talking. The price for Ross Perot’s Rainbow Suspenders would have risen threefold and four other lines of suspenders would have been released along with the new fragrance, Ross Perot’s Colorful.
Your fashionable item can be manufactured in your local neighborhood third world country by small children who will work sixteen hour days for 37 cents a week and sold to an American retailer for the price of a small Caribbean Island for a profit that you’d have to send away to NASA to calculate. And that’s before you begin to advertise. Of course, a successful fashion brand must develop it’s own style of advertisement, unique and eye-catching. Old fashion critics talking to dogs or young fashion models singing eighties music or both combined work well for this.
Far more important than your product or your advertising is your name. This at first seems unreasonable, until you realize that all the important fashion names are old guys few if any have ever seen or a combination of two seemingly unrelated words like American Eagle, Old Navy, or Banana Republic. And of course the biggest fashion craze of them all is a combination of two seemingly unrelated old guys that few if any have seen ~ Abercrombie and Fitch. I assume they’re old, given as they seem to have been around since 1892. Maybe they switch Abercrombies and Fitches they way they do Lassie, ushering them away from little Timmy the moment they look too old for modern day dog cosmetics to conceal.
In any case this is why I settled on my company name of Calvin Tyler Lauren and Fitch Navy Republic. It is a combination of many already proven, but otherwise unrelated fashion words and old men. It’s therefore almost guaranteed to sell out instantly.
My plan is this: first I will wear a bunch of clothes until I tire of them. Then I will sell them to gullible teenagers, letting it slip that cool people don’t wear new clothes.
Me: Hey, Want to by my old clothes?
Gullible Teenager: Ummm . . . not really.
Me: Oh. You’re one of those “New Clothing” guys, huh? Well, I guess if you don’t want to keep up with fashion that’s your choice.
Gullible Teenager: How much for the unwashed sweat socks?
Me: 65.37$ plus tax
After several teenagers are suckered into my fashion I will further entangle them by telling them my clothing is “retro” which is Ancient Latin for “people have forgotten how stupid these look”. Then I will begin to imply that the other fashion brand names are for the “New Clothing” cult that is made up of people who can’t handle change. Then I will release a line of indispensable accessories and a unisex fragrance called Toxic. Soon all fashion will be in my power!
And when all fashion rests solely in my power, then only one thing can follow . . . Rainbow Suspenders for everyone! Everyone I say!