A few of my Favorite Things
Today our topic is a serious and depressing one, and
it mustn’t be taken lightly. Today we
discuss Things That Annoy Me. Things that annoy me tend to flourish if I
don’t inform the public why they are annoying and should be destroyed. Once properly informed, the public can form
an angry mob and flood the suggestion boxes of the people responsible with
barely decipherable scrawls drawn in human blood. That ought to slow ’em down a bit, eh? Here’s the target list.
1.
Collect Call Commercials
Collect
call commercials, are as many of you people know, the most inane and stupid
form of advertisement on the face of the planet. The people who write these commercials obviously cannot tell the
difference between “Causes me to switch to their service” and “Causes me to
mutter vague and bizarre threats about ‘plagues o’ locusts o’er the land’
whenever I see their commercial.” I am
not surprised ~ the people that write these commercials have one thing in
common ~ the I.Q. of potting soil.
2.
The Overreaction Guy for Oasis Market
The
overreaction guy was obviously created by the same sick individuals responsible
for the existence of Collect Call commercials. These are the guys who got
kicked out of TV advertising for being too irritating even for collect call
commercials. As a result, we now have
to endure the annoying voice of a man seemingly incapable of a normal response
to anything or a healthy level of indifference every five minutes on every
radio channel in existence.
3.
Pennies
Pennies
have no business existing. There monetary value is not and never was enough to
justify Abe’s bearded mug shot on a piece of currency most people will not even
bend over to pick up off the ground. I
include starving homeless people in that statement. The only possible service a penny can offer is being shipped off
to third world countries by Sally Struthers, who will then melt them down into
shapeless hunks the perfect size and weight to hurl at collect call commercial
writers.
4.
Canada
What
good is Canada anyway? Just sitting up
there arguing about whether they are French or British when clearly they’re
nothing but a deformed offshoot of American Stock. It’s time America took control and invaded Canada. They’ll never expect it!
5.
Idaho
When
we invade and conquer Canada we’re going to need to lose one of the fifty
states to make room for the new one. My
suggestion is simple ~ either combine Idaho with one of the other useless
states (Oregon for example) or kick it out of America entirely. After all what has Idaho ever given us
besides potatoes and cheap jokes about prostitutes?
6.
Telemarketing People
Telemarketers
take specific classes on how to time your call so that you just got involved
with a meal, a shower or a member of the opposite sex. They have contests to see who manages to
piss the most people off while still being polite. I say, the only solution is to banish them all to Idaho, unless
we decide to keep it in the union in which case the only answer is judgement by
Lynch Mob Justice. The will of the
people must prevail.
7.
Fundraisers
I
don’t want your cursed wrapping paper or boxed chocolates, you blasted
humanitarians! And don’t think I’ll buy cookies just because you send a
pathetic looking Girl Scout to my door with some sob tale about how “I just
need to sell a few more boxes to raise enough to buy my daddy a new
kidney.” Cry me a river, you
manipulative nine-year-old! Stop
sending me calendars, too! I already
have enough calendars to get me through the next millenium with out a break and
I haven’t donated a cent yet. Why would
I start now? And if you even try and call me for money you’ll be sent
to Idaho with the rest of the Telemarketers!
8. People who
can’t tell where I’m being sarcastic in these things.
You’d
be surprised how many people are “Sarcastic Impaired” and could not identify
sarcasm if it had a brightly colored sign and flashing arrows pointing to
it. They come up to me and ask “Tyler,”
They always call me Tyler, “Why should we invade Canada?” when clearly I was
being sarcastic. Obviously there is no
reason to invade Canada when we already secretly control their government. I thought that was obvious. I apologize if any of this was unclear.
Now
it is up to you, the people, to exercise your right to put a halt to all things
annoying. I can only guide you on your
quest, the rest is up to you. Onward!