Hi, I'm Überbabe, Überbabe Smith [4]. You may know me from info-mercials such as the Atomiser® Abominal Flexi-worker and Wonder White ® Teeth Whitener. I am still awaiting my big break into Hollywood, with my greatest assets being my -- BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM. Until then, I work in this forsaken little shit-hole of a bookstore -- Saint George's Rare Books. Right. The only rare things around here are books.
* * * * *
ST. GEORGE'S RARE BOOKS
How shall we begin our story?
We could begin with a description of our firecracker heroine, Überbabe Smith -- but then some of our male readers would have to go off to take cold showers and then lie down in case of a nose-bleed, so we will not be going into great details. But it is important that you know she is beautiful, with -- BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM and clothes so tight the men can't breathe.
Oh, and she's Japanese-American. Don't ask. I didn't cast her in the role. Now, if they had cast me instead...aw, forget it. Back to the story.
At the beginning of this chapter, we find our fearless heroine on the phone, with her *gasp* ... Mother...
Mad Momma [5]: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Mother, stop talking in Japanese."
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Mother."
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Then, the phone *slipped* out of her hand.
Überbabe: "Oops. Bye."
Then a fat fan-girl came up to her with that kind of look in her eyes. Oh, along with three copies of Strong Man's latest and only bestseller. Oh boy.
Überbabe: "Have you read the Voodoo Murders -- don't you just love Blake Backlash? He's soooo muscular, and handsome, and -- and that assistant of his -- what's her name?"
Fat Fan-girl: "I am your Number One fan."
Überbabe: "Yes, Nakimura. She's so beautiful, isn't she? With BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM"
Fat Fan-girl: "I am your Number One fan."
Überbabe: "Is that an axe behind your back or are you just pleased to see me?"
There was a maniacal gleam in the woman's eyes.
Fat Fan-girl: "I am your Number One fan."
Überbabe: "Excuse me while I pick up the phone and call my travel agent. Something tells me I ought to take a trip elsewhere."
Fat Fan-girl: "I am your Number One fan."
Überbabe: "This place's full of nuts. I'm going to Germany instead." [6]
Überbabe picked up the phone, but instead she heard:
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Mother, get off the phone!"
* * * * *
<Imagine a map, showing the location of Rittersburg and New Orleans.
Then a big red line from New Orleans traces
across the map to Rittersburg>
SCHLOSS RITTER, RITTERSBURG,
GERMANY
On a dark and stormy night...
There was a knocking, knocking on the chamber door...
Gerde answered the door, and she saw a dishevelled woman with large suitcases standing at the door.
Gerde: "No, I do not want to buy any tupperware. Or vacuum cleaners. Please go away."
Überbabe: "Where's the toilet?"
Gerde: "This castle is built in the 13th century and you want a W.C.? What's wrong with the moat?"
Überbabe: "Look, I just had a lot of fruits before I came here. May I use your bathroom?"
Gerde: "No, Gabriel is not here. I cannot tell you where he is."
Überbabe: "Look, I really need to use the bathroom, okay?"
Gerde: "I am sorry. I cannot help you."
Überbabe sighed. But she relented.
Überbabe: "Then can I use the fireplace instead? I promise to set a fire after I'm done."
Gerde (On the verge of tears): "Fine! You do the research!"
With a dramatic flourish, Gerde left, leaving Überbabe with her luggage at the door.
Überbabe: "Hey! That much work for using the fireplace?"
So that night Überbabe Smith placed her luggage into the wardrobe -- never to be seen again. And we assumed she found something to occupy her time until the next morning. Maybe she had sex, I don't know.
Anyway, we move on to ...
THE NEXT MORNING
There was a Strange Man in her room. Überbabe smiled at the guy, who was on all fours, playing around with the fireplace. He had a screw-driver and was stabbing at something.
Überbabe: "Didn't I see you before on an episode of the X-Files?"
Strange Man: "Maybe. My name's Darin Morgan. But my brother calls me 'Fluke'."
Überbabe: "Then do you know where I can get some weiss wurst?"
Strange Man: "Maybe at Munich."
Then, Überbabe touched her BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM and found a letter in her bosom -- BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM -- she read it; it was from Strong Man. Oh boy.
Überbabe,
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist?Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist? Do you want to eat my fist?
Do you want to eat my fist,
[Undersigned]
Strong Man
Damn you, Strong Man! Foiled again! thought Überbabe.
Then, just for fun, she pulled at the doorknob on a large wooden door. It wouldn't barge. Überbabe stuck her third finger at it and in anger she ripped out the "PUSH" sign on that door.
Überbabe left the bedroom. As she was coming down the stairs, she looked at the big stony head on the wall. It was the head of a big cat.
Überbabe: "Didn't Strong Man used to ride on one of these?"
She proceeded to the living room, where she saw...
GERDE!
Überbabe: "Where is Gabriel?"
Gerde: "I don't know."
Überbabe: "I bet you sleep with the Schattenjäger."
Gerde: "Yes. Lots of time."
Überbabe: "Bitch!"
Gerde: "We have ASTOUNDING sex."
Überbabe: "Then do you know where I can get some weiss wurst?"
Gerde: "If Gabriel wanted you to know where he is, he would tell you."
In anger, Überbabe left Schloss Ritter. God! She was dying for some weiss wurst. Then she noticed a car. It was a KITT 2000. And it talked.
Car: "KITT wants a cracker."
Überbabe: "Then do you know where I can get some weiss wurst."
Car: "KITT wants a cracker."
Überbabe: "Stupid German-made car."
And Überbabe went down the yellow brick road. And she came to the...
TOWN SQUARE
There was a fountain at the centre of the town square. Überbabe looked at it, because she was supposed to.
*Drip drip drip drip drip*
Überbabe was suddenly seized with an urge to pee.
Überbabe turned away from the fountain. She came to a blue door. She did the only logical thing.
Überbabe: "Knock, knock."
Mayor: "Is that you, Agent Mulder?"
Überbabe: "Spooky."
Then the door swung open and a six-foot tall, muscular bald (but bald in a very dignified way) man appeared -- like a vision of beauty -- before her eyes. His starched white shirt was so tight around his body, it looked like it could burst any moment now, revealing a strong, bold chest. Überbabe almost couldn't breathe. She felt faint...
Mayor: "Oh, it's you, Agent Scully."
Überbabe: "How do you want my eggs in the morning? Fertilized or not?"
Mayor: "If there's nothing else, I'll go back and sit on my BIG, BLACK LEATHER armchair now."
Then the door closed on Überbabe, along with the vision of her One True Love. She sighed many times (from unrequited love). Upset, she decided to go into a tavern and drink herself silly. Maybe they have weiss wurst in there.
INSIDE THE GASTHOF
There was a big German peasant with a big beard at the bar counter. A small dormouse stuck its head out from that big crop of beard; it sniffed the air around it, then darted back into the comforts of the beard again.
Cool. And Überbabe thought you only see this kind of thing in Australia. With the kangaroos.
Überbabe looked at the posters on the wall. Most of them are in German, but she especially liked the X-Files poster near the corner. It read, in German: 'FIGHT THE FUTURE.' Then she came to the last poster, and she cringed.
It was David Hasselhoff.
Überbabe: "Eeeps!"
Huber: "Good morning."
Überbabe: "Who's that guy on the wall?"
Huber: "Oh, that's Ludwig II. He's our king. A very good one too. He built castles. Mostly in the air."
Überbabe: "He looks like David Hasselhoff."
Huber: "You mean Captain Buchanon, from BabeWatch? Isn't he beautiful?"
Überbabe: "Eeeps!"
Silently, Überbabe thought: Stupid Germans!
Silently, Huber thought: Stupid Americans!
Überbabe: "Then do you know where I can get some weiss wurst?"
Huber: "Sorry, I cannot tell you where the Schattenjäger is."
Überbabe: "I'm asking about weiss wurst! Not Strong Man!"
Huber: "Er -- no, the Schattenjäger is not in Munich."
Überbabe sighed -- they obviously have no weiss wurst here anyway. She decided to go back to Schloss Ritter. On the way, she looked at a few cows and some more German peasants. She also stepped on some of the things the cows "left behind".
BACK IN SCHLOSS RITTER
Überbabe: "Mom, can I have the car?"
Gerde: "No, you may not."
Überbabe: "Lick me twice!"
Überbabe was going up the stairs. Again she paused in front of the big, stony cat-head on the wall.
Überbabe: "I'm quite sure Strong Man sat on one of these before."
BACK IN THE BEDROOM
Überbabe looked at a box of tools next to the fireplace. There was a detonator, some sticks of dynamite, some pencil sharpeners -- oh, and an ice-pick. Überbabe decided the ice-pick would be useful. She was going to hide it under her bed later. So, she took it. Then Überbabe thought she could use the ice-pick to remove the bricks from behind the fireplace. She proceeded to hack at the cement behind the bricks.
Some time later, Überbabe came to a secret room behind the fireplace. There was a large tome on a table, with a box. Überbabe opened the box -- and there by releasing an evil entity into the house which only she can destroy because she is the Chosen One! [7]
But all that is left for another day, another crappy Sierra game written by Roberta Williams.
Meanwhile, Überbabe realised there was nowhere to keep the ice-pick on her clothes, so she slipped it inside her bosom (not an unfamiliar experience, we might add). And it occurred to her that she needed a change of clothes, so she opened her cupboard, but her suitcases were gone!
Überbabe: "So, it's that kind of wardrobe."
Überbabe sighed, then decided to go in the closet. She walked through the wardrobe and entered...
A SECRET PASSAGE WAY!
Überbabe: "Way cool. And with sound effects too. Too bad nothing's goin' to happen to me in this story."
Suddenly a skimpy-clad woman with a very big gun ran past Überbabe.
Überbabe: "Nice not-so-conical breasts."
Lara Croft: "Thanks. Yours are pretty nice too."
Überbabe: "Then do you know where I can get some weiss wurst?"
Lara Croft: "Maybe in Munich."
Then she disappeared down the passageway, blasting away.
Überbabe walked through a door, and found herself in...
GERDE'S ROOM
There was a photo on the table. Überbabe looked at it.
It was David Hasselhoff.
Überbabe: "Eeeps!"
Überbabe wanted to throw up, and she wanted to throw up all over Gerde's clothes. So she opened the wardrobe -- and found her suitcases!
Überbabe: "Lick me twice!"
There was also a key in the wardrobe. Überbabe took it, snickering. She's beginning to show an evil streak in her, isn't she?
Überbabe then went back to her room. She used the key on the door to the library, but it wouldn't open. Angered, she kicked the door down with her THIGHS OF STEEL!!TM
IN THE LIBRARY...
Überbabe saw...
Überbabe: "Lots of books. Lots and lots of books."
Then, a thought struck her. Like lightning.
Überbabe: "I left a bookstore to come to this?"
But since it was a library, Überbabe did the logical thing again.
Überbabe looked at the middle bookcase.
Überbabe looked at the right-handed bookcase.
Then she took out a book -- at random. Überbabe read Victor Ritter's journal:
FIGHT THE FUTURE.
COMING SOON.
Then, a letter fell out. Mysteriously. Überbabe read the letter, even though her Mother taught her it was rude to read someone else's letter.
My dear King,
Will you please leave me alone? It's not easy being an Inquisitor these days, you know, and the peasants don't fear us anymore. Just two days ago, I was threatening to disembowel a witch, and she hit me -- on the eye!
I hate my job.
Oh, and I heard you have a new friend. That's nice. But remember to use protection, okay? You never know what you might catch from those peasants.
Überbabe slipped the letter into her bosom.
Then, Überbabe looked at the bookshelves again. Again, she took out a book, at random. Again.
(Hey, it's a library, okay?)
Überbabe read the lycanthropy book. It was boring, but there was some very cute pictures of baby wolves inside. She tore those out, and slipped the book into her bosom.
Überbabe looked at the right bookcase.
Überbabe looked at the left bookcase.
Then she took out a book at random. (This is becoming a very bad habit.)
Überbabe read Christian Ritter's journal:
On the way to Grandma's place today, we caught a werewolf. It was a big, BLACK WOLF and it don't seem to eat a lot. I'm going to ask Dad if we can keep it. Oh boy. Meanwhile, we are locking it up in that dungeon-looking place in the town square.
I'm going to name it "Spot".
Then, Überbabe sat at the desk. It looked different on close-up. Cool.
Überbabe took out Professor Barclay's name from her bosom -- BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM. She dialed the guy's number.
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Mother, get off the phone!" [8]
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Then do you know where I can get some weiss wurst?"
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Then do you know anything about Ludwig II of Bavaria?"
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe: "Okay, so you're going to call your friend Dallmeier? Thanks, Mother."
Mad Momma: "Men only want one thing!"
Überbabe sighed. Then she decided to test her mother's theory. She went down to see that hot-stud of a Mayor again.
IN THE TOWN SQUARE
The door swung open. HE was standing at the door.
Mayor: "Yes, Agent Scully? Have you something to report concerning Agent Mulder?"
Dressed in black, Überbabe looked mysteriously at the Mayor.
Überbabe: "Do you really think you're going to get away with this?"
Suddenly the Mayor threw Überbabe against the wall in a hot, passionate kiss. He led her away to the dungeon and --
<SEX SCENE CENSORED>
IN THE DUNGEON
Mayor: "Very well, Agent Scully. I'll show you the dungeon. It's a DARK ROOM, WITH A BED... AND NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM...But you must promise not to touch anything, especially me."
Überbabe: "How do you want my eggs in the morning? Fertilized or not?"
Überbabe looked all over the place. She looked at the floor. She looked at the rumpled and badly used bed. Then, Überbabe took out some masking tape and pasted an "X" on the window.
The Mayor handed Überbabe some newspaper clippings.
Mayor: "Good luck, Agent Scully."
Überbabe: "How do you want my eggs in the morning? Fertilized or not?"
Filled with remorse, Überbabe decided to go to church.
IN THE CHURCH
Priest: "Do you believe in God, my child?"
Überbabe: "Eeeps!"
And Überbabe ran back to the Mayor. They had sex some more. It was that kind of day.
Mayor: "Are you hiding something from me, Agent Scully?"
Überbabe: "So, they locked him up in the dungeon, to wait for him to turn back?"
Mayor: "You can't protect Agent Mulder forever, you know."
Überbabe: "So the son inherited everything when the Black Wolf died?"
Mayor: "That's it! As of now, I'm closing the X-Files!"
Überbabe: "How do you want my eggs in the morning? Fertilized or not?"
Überbabe went back to Schloss Ritter. She decided to write a letter to Strong Man. She couldn't find an envelope, so she used a box. But the box was too big, so she put the lycantrophy book inside, along with the masking tape, a detonator, the stick of dynamite and the ice-pick.
Now, that ought to make it through the post.
LATER THAT NIGHT...IN THE CASTLE...
<Cue lightning, thunder and rain...>
Überbabe glared at Gerde.
Gerde glared at Überbabe.
Much bitchy hostility in the air, like an episode of Savannah, or some other Aaron Spelling drama.
Suddenly, there was a knocking on the chamber door...
Überbabe opened the door. Suddenly two American tourists pushed their way in. One of them wore a string of pearl and had a blue beehive. The other guy was fat and bald.
Oh, and they're both yellow.
Guy: "Is this Australia?"
Überbabe: "Australia? Pleeease! This is civilization![9] This is Germany!"[10]
Guy: "D'oh"
* * * * *
Footnotes:
[1] Director's Note: Due to unpopular demands, Mad Woman has been replaced by Überbabe Smith, she of the BREASTS OF STEEL!!!TM -- but Mad Woman will still be doing the script. (Hey, if Carrie Fisher can do the scripts for the Star Wars prequel, Mad Woman can do this.)
[2] Registered trademark, with international copyrights
[3] Michael Kritchgau was unavailable during the shooting of this movie.*
[4] Yes, that is her real name.
[5] Author's Note: Yes, she's my Momma...it's called nepotism.
[6] Yes, I thought it was a pretty bat's ass idea too. But as they say, "From the frying pan, into the fire..." **
[7] See Phantasmagoria for this reference.
[8] Hey, you try to make your Momma leave you alone...
[9] To Heath and all Australians, sorry. But it had to happen...=)
[10] Bwahahaha!!!!
* He was "led away" by government forces.
**Hey, if you don't like the footnotes, don't read 'em!