"Why can't my horse be the ambassador to Rome? I don't want to go!" Ludwig's hair fell over his eyes, and he looked like a sheepdog. "Where are my pants?"

"They are over your head, as usual, this morning, my King," his man-in-waiting replied.

"I'm tired of you. Where's Thomas?"

"He is recovering with the doctors, el capitain. You are a very good archer."

"He blinked! I told him not to move." Ludwig played with his tights and managed to get one legging over his shoe.

"I believe the shoe would serve better purpose outside the socks, my Lord."

"I hate you! And don't tell me what to do!" Ludwig threw an anchor at the attendant's head, kept at his bedside just for that purpose.

"Thank you, sire. May I have the afternoon off?"

"Do you want to eat my fist?" Ludwig shouted, off-handedly.

A page knocked and shouted into the bedroom, even though the door was open. The King preferred it this way. "My Lord. You have a distinguished visitor…"

"What other kind would I have, you fiend!" The first manservant fainted. Ludwig stared at the prostrate figure. "Clean up this mess, you fiend!" he shouted.

"Er, my King, it is the ambassador…"

"Of Rome? But I don't have my horse!"

"No, King, of… of… " the attendant was clearly rattled, "of a mysterious, dark, handsome foreign land!"

"Okeyley Dokeley, I'll be right out!"

The foreign ambassador was indeed dark, handsome, and mysterious, with a charming manner of speaking, and a wondrous, sensual accent. Ludwig was instantly mesmerized by his gem-like eyes, and felt for his drooling napkin.

The tall figure bowed. "My Lord. Reverent greetings from my country to your great land."

Ayeiorrrrooooooooooooooooo! Ludwig shouted in his mind.

"There are some matters of trade and economics I would like to speak with you about, my Lord, and am greatly honored and charmed by your gracious audience."

(Ayeiorrrrooooooooo!)

(Pause)

(Nudge)

(Pause)

The ambassador continued in the silence. "Um, my Liege. May I ask the great favor of…"

(Ludwig's attendant wiped a line of spittle from the king's chin.)

"… of dining in your presence tonight?"

(Pause)

(Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock… cuckoo!)

"Of course, sir…" the manservant next to the emperor mimicked in a squeeky voice without even moving his lips. The king was too far gone to notice.

"What is my schedule for tonight, manservant?" the king flourishly and lately asked the wiper.

"You have time to eat, my King."

"Good! Yes, yes, please join me for supper. Eating is good!"

"Thank you for the great privilege, my Lord." Ambassador Von Glower was shown the way to the castle's guest rooms, to prepare.

"He's a Hottie!" Ludwig whispered to no one.

"Ambassador Von Glower, what big, yellow eyes you have."

"To better see you with in the dark, my Lord."

"And what great, big, hairy hands you have, with such stubby fingers, sharp nails, and, and, padded palms?"

"To better find you in the dark, my Lord."

"Ow! And what great, big, sharp teeth you have…."

"To better… grrrrrrrr!"

"Okeyley Dokeley!"

"Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

"Good to see you again, Thomas."

"The doctor's are very good here, my King, and very discreet. I'm sure they will be able to save your… er…"

"I'm not worried about that, Thomas. I've got greater worries. I think I'm… I'm…" the king began to weep.

"Pregnant, sir?"

"No, no, no. Worse, Thomas. The worse thing in the world!"

"A writer, my King?" Thomas's voice quivered.

"No, it's not that bad! I think I'm… I'm… I'm in Love!" Ludwig completely broke down.

"My poor, little, stinky monkey," Thomas falsely sympathized.

The servants whispered about the king's continuous insomnia, his easy fits to anger, and his night prowlings. The doctors could do little for his sleeplessness, fevers and night sweats. He isolated himself more and more, and asked for strange, bloody meals. They could hear him ranting in his rooms at night, asking for that mysterious ambassador, and holding a small token close to his heart. Despite the horsemen who were sent out to far corners of vast kingdoms, he was not found again, and the summons unanswered.

The servants that were left let the king restlessly sleep another day away, rumors speculated far into the evening.

"So, basically, he's about the same as he's always been, right?" one attendant asked another in the outhouse.

"Uuuunnngghhh! What? Oh, actually, I like him better now," replied the other, grunting.

"Oh, my Baron… my sweet, sweet, steel-eyed Baron…"

"My Lord," the attendant yelled into the open bedroom, "the great composer Wagner is here, asking for mo' money. He's saying something about a new style he wants to try… Rap?"

"That dried up old stick? Send him away… oohhh, My Baarroonnn…."

"The painters are asking about why you want wolves drawn in the Singer's Hall. They thought it was suppose to be swans."

"Freak them! Von Gloowweeer…!"

Wagner suddenly leapt into the room, which wasn't bad for a 50-something, arthritic stump.

"Ludwig! I need more…" he noticed the king's appearance underneath the Star Wars bed sheets. (Well, the king was a visionary. Would Knights and Unicorns bed sheets have been better?)

The king was pale, but with a dark, undercoating of 5'oclock shadow covering the entirety of his body ready to burst forth, even on the palms of his hands. He looked pretty good. He looked like David Hasselhoff. "Babe!" the composer cried, "how's it hanging?"

"Oh, Richard, Richard, he left me! Oh oh oh." The king began sniffling again.

"Thomas? I'm shocked!"

"No no no. The Baron Von Glower! He was some great ambassador, but he never said from where! He didn't even leave me his forwarding pigeon number! Oh… oh… how could he?"

"Um… okey…. How long did you know him?"

"One glorious, luscious night. Sigh!"

"Um… okey…."

"I think he really liked me."

"Well," Thomas interjected, "He did bite your…."

"See! He liked me!" (Uncomfortable pause in the room. The king was oblivious.) "He was so beautiful! Dark, curling hair, steel, gray-green eyes that changed color according to moonlight (yeah, to yellow!), sharp, exotic features, a commanding presence, an accent to die for, and great clothes! Everything I always wanted in a manservant!" The sniffling became full-blown sobbing, again.

"Hmmm, was he kinda tall and thin? Kinda Spaniard looking, but not? Antonio Banderas, but not (who)?" The king gasped. "Well, I was noticing someone like that hanging around rehearsals. I though he was sorta a back stage Betty, so I ignored him. But I think he likes opera." The king gasped harder, choking on drool. "Maybe I can do something about luring him back." The king sat up.

"Yes! Score!" Ludwig made the now famous circling arm gesture while whooping. It should have been called "Pulling a Ludwig."

"And I like how the castles are going. Nice wolf-swans. They look like heavy snouted, winged angels..."

"Yes, just like my yellow-eyed Baron. Sigh!"

"Okey. But about this Rap idea…"

My Dear, Dear Butterfly,

I am being leeched today, again. It hurts! But everyone believes it is good for me. I just wish it wasn't down there!

You must know of my illness by now. It is why after so much bliss with you over the past months, I must now call off the engagement and we can only now be great friends or amorphous sex partners. I would prefer great friends, my sweetness and light. I will miss your squealing noises.

Always and forever,

Ludwig

My Dear, Dear Mantis Face,

I know what's going on. You think I actually care about your bod?!?! I want to unite our houses so that I can be (more) fabulously wealthy and powerful, and you ain't stopping me, bug breath. Get your crap together (Ha!) and get ON with it!

Lizzy

My Dearest Nectar and Most Delicate Flower,

Who da hell do you think you are? I'm da king! I don't have to take no crap from nobody, especially from some one-night fling from some substandard house! But I'm going to still keep corresponding with you because this makes me look like a man! Historians need something to go on.

Luddy

Ludwig,

I received your letter by mistake. I know you are angered with me right now, but soon you will see the beauty of true, untamed existence. I cannot wait to run with you by moonlight and see your excitement at the power of primordial strength. With it, you can defeat any personal enemy or enemy of your country. I have given you a great gift.

Von Glower

Buttercup,

No, you received the right letter. I can't wait either, wolf-boy.

Wiggy

Hey, Jerk-Off!

I thought I was your Butterfly! Freak you!

Iron Butterfly Liz

Iron Weed,

You are nothing but a selfish, ignorant, weak, unfeeling slut! Bite me.

Wolf-boy

Wait a sec,

How do you two know what I'm writing either of you? Or each other?

Woooooooohooo, weird.

Ludgo

I'm the psychic Queen!

Or should have been, no thanks to you, freak(s).

Iron Thighs II

No, I am the Psychic One,

I have been around long enough. Whore.

Wolfie (Lick Me)

My Loveliest, Most Honorable, Gentle Persons Iron Butterfly and Glow-Worm,

Freak both of you! Stop e-pigeoning me! I'm (grrrrr) sick! What's wrong with (grrowwll) both of you?! You're both suppose to be (pant pant pant) supporting your king and country! You bastards! (Howl!)

Tutani Tatonka O'Wai Gee (Dances With Wolves)

Um, Emperor Costner,

Your tea's almost ready. Lemon?

Thomas