STRONG MAN 2 - THE BEAST WITHIN

by Heath Smith

PART 4, CHAPTER 3, GABRIEL KNIGHT 2, WRITER 1, ENTERTAINMENT 0

Guest Starring:

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH as 'Voiceover'
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as 'Baron Von Glower'

***

Strong Man sat amongst the reeds by the riverside. A young couple in period dress rowed past; he waved. As he looked a little closer, the young woman speared her boyfriend in the eye with her parasol. Yes, it was days like these that Strong Man knew he'd taken the right path.

He gazed out to the river, watching a big fat swan land on the water in slow motion. He took some loaves of bread from underneath his shirt, and threw them at the huge bird. The swan didn't seem to be hungry, it just looked confused as the large wheat-products bobbed around it. As he reclined on the bank, Strong Man thought how he was but a large loaf of bread swimming in a sea of mystery.

Voiceover: "Swans represent all that is graceful in this fragile world of ours. Throughout the ages, they have also been associated with historical figures, such as Hitler, Ludwig II, and Mr. F. Swan from Texas."

Suddenly, as if in a dream, a dream-like vision came to Strong Man in a dream! A lady, a messenger, whispering close to the camera... a moustache... a book...

Strong Man awoke with a start. He was back at the Huber's farmhouse, sleeping on their lounge suite. As he rose, he noticed a SMALL V-SHAPED CHICKEN BONE sitting on his shirt. As he picked it up, he accidentally broke it in half, because of his enormous strength. He made a wish:

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

But the chicken didn't answer, it was dead.

***

Strong Man went over to the table to have some breakfast. He thanked the maid for his beignets and paper, and she left as mysteriously as these items had appeared. As he ate, he browsed the latest news. Some tourists had been killed in town. Although the official police report said they'd died from over-exposure to the same guitar tune, Strong Man got the feeling that wasn't the whole story. He examined the photo of dead backpackers' legs harder.

Yes, he could definitely see them this time.

Tiny little dots, each one a different shade of gray, repeated in a pattern to form a... photo printed on newsprint!

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

...he proclaimed! Strong Man was back in town!

***

Strong Man wandered around town until he reached the crime scene. Strong Man observed the crowd gathered near the site of the murder. He noticed a group of ugly people standing around the chalk-body-outline (the police), and a drop-dead gorgeous blond from the local TV station.

Strong Man decided to talk to the TV crew, since beautiful people are naturally much smarter then horrid-looking fat ones. He made sure the police could hear him by shouting everything he had to say:

TV Girl: "You say you have information on the Mutilation Killings? What would you like to tell our audience?"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Suddenly, Strong Man was tackled to the ground by a large bear. He hit his head against the side of the van, and as he come to, realised it was just the police commissioner from nearby.

Commissioner: "ZTOP IT! DO YOU WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD! ZTOP TALKING TO THEM! I'LL TALK WITH YOU! JUST ZTOP IT! GO ON!"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Commissioner: "Okay. Come by my office later. Just don't tell the pwess, or the press. Now go!"

Strong Man wondered where the Commissar got all that energy from, since he was just a big fatass. But he obediently walked away anyway. While he was in town, he thought he'd go shopping.

Most of the shops were closed, since there were wolves on the loose, and it was well known that wolves didn't like to buy things, since they're just animals. But one shop was still open, so Strong Man felt he should go in and buy something. Strong Man entered the clock store.

A nice old man worked behind the counter. Strong Man was in the shop no longer then thirty seconds until he began to go completely mad. The clocks! They just kept ticking! Like that one at the farmhouse, but this time they had returned, and in greater numbers! He had to buy a clock and get the hell out of here, 'cause the sound was making him want to pee also.

He gestured to the nice old man that he might want to buy a clock. The old man smiled dumbly, and pointed to the clocks on the walls. Through a complex code (not unlike the rada drum code) of synchronised cuckoo clock chimes, the old man managed to communicate his life story to Strong Man.

He'd grown up as an orphan, his parents killed in the war. When he was twenty-one, he'd joined a barber shop quartet, and purchased a stick-on-moustache, which he still wore to this day. Strong Man watched as the storekeep rushed from clock-to-clock, twirling the dials of the clocks on display to force their birds to chime at the right moments. It was the symphony of a madman.

Strong Man decoded more of the sad tale: his clocks were the one love of his life, and he related emotionally that if he didn't have this store, he would probably die from sadness, since his wife had recently passed on, and the clocks took his mind off his broken heart. Strong Man conveyed his sympathies to the weak-hearted shop-attendant:

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

The old man seemed to sense an air of impatience in Strong Man's voice. He sadly and wearily stopped sending the code, and resigned himself to go over to the wall and bring down a clock for Strong Man to admire, and perhaps buy. Strong Man crossed his legs (he still wanted to pee) and watched impatiently as the old man slowly demonstrated the features of the clock. And so he continued to watch as the storekeep brought down each and every lovingly hand-crafted clock  from the walls for his customers to appraise. One by one for Strong Man inspected them... and one by one Strong Man broke them, because of this enormous strength.

Having destroyed every cuckoo clock in the shop, Strong Man settled on a tall grandfather clock in the corner. He paid the old man, and stuffed it into his pants, with the rest of his inventory. As he walked out the door, he heard the old man whimpering.

Now that Strong Man was gone, the old man began to tear a little, and in short gasps sang weepily in his native German. Soon tears were streaming down the old man's face, and as he sang loud and patriotically, he thought how he wished his old friends from the quartet could hear him now. He thought of his beloved wife, and all his treasured clocks - his life's work laying broken around him.
 He thought of the clocks as he opened the small drawer behind the counter, and raised a large, antique gun to his head. But when he pulled the trigger, a small wooden bird came out and cuckoo'd into the side of his head, making a little 'tok' noise. He couldn't even do that right - he was a failure.

***

Now that he a little extra wood, Strong Man decided to go visit the Baron from the night before. He entered the Baron's house.

(reader note: remember CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is playing Von Glower...)

Von Glower: "Hi, I'm... a Baron. I'm a Baron, and you... you're intriguing. You... you're interesting. Sit down and drink with... me. I mean, hey! Buddy! Drink with me, okay? Like, sista... share a drink. And like, spill your guts. I'm cookin here, so... stoke the fire."

Strong man became very disconcerted by the way the Baron spoke, as if the enigmatic leader's  brain ran at a different speed to other people. What's worse, he was -still- in his dressing gown! He drank more wine to try to not think about it.

Strong Man asked Von Glower about 'himself'.

Von Glower: "I've, you know. I've been around the world. Many times, yeah!"

Von Glower gestured with his glass of wine back and forth across his body.

Von Glower: "I've been here, I've been there... ive-been-here-ive-been-there... and it's all the same..."

There was a long pause.

Strong Man: "Do you wa..."

Von Glower: "What about you?!! HUH?!?! What about... ... ...you."

Strong Man "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man asked Von Glower about 'his family'.

Von Glower: "I had a family, but they... they went away... As a child. It's funny, you know. So... we went all... over-the-globe. And, like now they're dead, and I AM THE LAST. Just like you, ain't that, heh. Ain't that the darndest thing?"

Strong Man "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Von Glower: "So, you see, we're like two peas. And, we're in a pod. Together."

Strong Man asked Von Glower about 'the hunt club'

Von Glower: "I'm not gonna tell you..."

Von Glower leant forward towards Strong Man, waved his finger in a 'no' gesture, and whispered in his ear, scarily, his eyes detached and wild:

Von Glower: (whispering scarily) "anything..."

Von Glower leant back abruptly, and continued to speak.

Von Glower: "So you see, you can be my new ears and eyes. Like... a wolf. Or a cloud. Passing over the moon..."

Strong Man asked Von Glower about 'the hunt club members'

Von Glower: "They're all together a great, great bunch a guys. There's all at the TOP (shouting) of there game, so, why should I be disappointed? Why should -I- be... disappointed. When one of my guys, is acting weird, and he's not being straight with me. So I say, I don't care if he's, (in horse voice) whacked a few guys, it's not my way to complain. We've all done. It."

Von Glower: "From time to time. We've all done it from time to time, and like, you know, he's a valuable member, that Von Zell. So I keep him on, and yadda yadda yadda..."

Von Glower: (wild hand gestures) "I'm listening to him... but I'm not receiving... and there it is. Hey!"

Strong Man asked Von Glower about 'the black wolf'

Von Glower sat on the edge of the couch, staring intently at the corner of the cupboard behind Strong Man . He stared blankly for a long while, then spoke:

Von Glower: "Is that someone there?"

Slowly, a strangely disturbing carved mask peered around from behind the bookshelf cupboard.

Von Glower: "I can see you, and I don't like this."

The mask retracted back around into the shadows. Von Glower seemed unnerved. He watched as Strong Man's wine goblet (sitting on the table between them) started to rise off the table, and float there. Von Glower stood up suddenly, brought out his shotgun and blasted the goblet into a hundred pieces. He then aimed the gun at Strong Man, but luckily came to his senses, and fired the weapon into the ceiling.

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Von Glower: "I'm sorry for that strange reaction... must be something in the wine. I could have sworn there was something here..."

Strong Man asked Von Glower about the weird, intricately carved mask he had just seen.

Von Glower: "It's Indian, but I picked it up in Brazil. The mask of the Chupacabra."

Von Glower sat back in his chair, and resumed drinking, mumbling...

Von Glower: "Go to hell..."

Strong Man sensed he should be going, so he made the lame excuse that he had to go 'by a pack of cigarettes', then got up and left.

Von Glower: "But you don't smoke..."

***

The next stop was the police station. Strong Man found the building easily - it looked like a large circus tent. In fact, it -was- a large circus tent. He searched the grounds outside the circus until he found a grotty, beaten-up trailer with a star on the door which read:

'THE GREAT LEBER - PROFESSIONAL BEAR WRESTLER AND KRIMIAL KOMMISAR'

Leber's caravan was cluttered with circus regalia - juggling fire batons, beach balls, balancing poles, hoola hoops, and a unicycle in one corner. Strong Man was pleased that he was at least neater that Detective Mosely. Noticing he had a visitor, Leber took off his zany clown's hat with a police siren on top, and stashed it under his desk.

Leber: "Come in... you say you have information...?"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my..."

Leber: "THERE -IS- NO TRANSLATION!"

Strong Man: "...fist?"

Leber: "Fine, zit down. The zoo wolves do not seem to be involved... as you have discovered, the bite marks on the bodies are more of a hybrid. The killings are speeding up too... it could be someone's pet but... you must tell me what you know, if we are to find Toni Huber's killer."

Strong Man related to Leber how the wolves from the zoo couldn't possible have killed the victims of the brutal attacks, because of the prints and hair samples.

Leber: "Yes. The latest victim was a furrier named Grossberg, his name, address and telephone number are on the map, if you would like to copy them down behind my back."

Strong Man went over to the map on the wall of Leber's trailer, pinned on the window above the built-in-sink. While he was out of Leber's line of sight, he quickly copied down Grossberg's details. Strong Man thought how Grossberg looked more like a Vegas magician than a furrier! Still checking to see if Leber was watching, he had fun re-arranging the red pins to make a happy face. He checked again, and this time made himself a cup of coffee at the sink.

Mmmm, good coffee.

After checking a last time, he re-arranged the pins using complex surveying equipment, and calculated that the killings corresponded to a large, pentagonal figure laid out over Munich and it's surrounds, which could only be the work of ancient Egyptian gods, and their offspring with visitors from Mars.

Strong Man nonchalantly slunk back into his seat across the desk, and asked Leber about 'the black wolf'.

Leber: "No... actually... yes! I -do- remember a black wolf! It was quite a few years ago, let me get the file..."

Leber got up and walked over to a filing cabinet at the back of his trailer. As he got up, Strong Man saw below his waist for the first time. Leber was wearing a pink tutu.

Leber (with his now exposed incredibly hairy stocking-clad legs) tiptoed over to the filing cabinet in his pink ballet shoes, and pulled a file.

Leber: "I remember, it was back when I was wrestling 3 to 4 bears a day... some girl got massacred by a black wolf."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist."

Leber tiptoed back, and pirouetted into his seat. There was a knock at the door.

Leber: "Come in!"

A large brown bear came through the door, and rode a unicycle skillfully past Strong Man (an achievement in the small confines of the caravan). With a roar it deposited a police file on Leber's desk.

Leber: "Thank you officer Zoltroy! You will receive a shiny new penny!"

Strong Man watched as the bear with the tiny little helicopter hat made it's way out the door. Strong Man realised that he'd smelt enough elephant dung and hay for one day, so he said his good-byes to THE GREAT LEBER, and headed for the door.

Leber: "Ztay out of trouble..."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man left caravan, and wandered past the animal cages on his way out of the grounds. As he passed the big cats, he stopped and and stared into one of the cages, a look of recognition on his face. This animal was for sale. He peered at the plaque affixed to the bars:

BATTLEUS CATUS CATUS
ETERNIAN TIGER

***

Strong Man headed for Ubergrau's office, just BECAUSE.

He was ushered into Ubergrau's office by the same slut as before. He slapped her ripe ass hard, and she giggled. Strong Man sat down in the chair across the desk from Ubergrau, and she sat on the chair as well...

Ubergrau: "I received a package for you. A big box from... Fargo, Germany"

Strong Man: (enjoying lap-dance) "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man slapped the secretary hard on the ass again, and she giggled, then left the room. As soon as she'd left, with one fluid motion of his hand Strong Man swiped Ubergrau's desk clean of all it's paraphernalia. All the little globes of the world, all the boring coffee mugs, all the books, everything went flying across the room, and through the side wall. Because of his enormous strength, it flew pretty damn fast and hard, leavings holes. Strong Man and Ubergrau looked over together at the concrete wall. Sunlight shined through the holes the trinkets had made on their journey, and the holes were arranged like a smiley face. Strong Man smiled, but Ubergrau looked kinda sad.

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my first?"

Ubergrau: (intimidated) "No... no."

Strong Man snatched the box off Ubergrau, and looked for an opening. There was a label on the side:

"PROPERTY OTT SPEC DELIV. UPON ARRIVE."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man tore the metal staples out of the box with his teeth. He tipped the box's contents onto Ubergrau's desk. Out fell a hundred little plastic alien heads. Freaky. Strong Man kept tipping...

A book on werewolves, some masking tape, a detonator, a stick of dynamite, and an ice pick. Cool! He stuffed them down his pants, into his inventory. The ice pick hurt.

There was also a separate envelope in the package from his ladyfriend Uberbabe. Even with his enormous strength, Strong Man had trouble ripping open the seal on the letter - he guessed she must have LICKED IT TWICE!

He read the letter:

---

Dear Strong Man,

 I know you must be mad at me, but I could just stay cooped up in the bookshop and let you have all the sex. There I was serving customers, when my BREASTS OF STEEL!!!(tm) started to go delightfully tender, I knew my uber-senses were tingling, and I needed a hot male bod...

Ahem, anyway, here I am! Here's some stuff that might relate to your case. The town mayor has been real helpful with my 'research'. He helped my identify a couple of common themes through my investigations. Check out 'Ludwig II - The Return of Ludwig' and 'The African-American Wolf'.

Oh and by the way, there wouldn't be any weis wurst out there would there? Because... well, it's much softer on my skin that this cheap peasant German soap-on-a-rope.

Wait, someone just put a quarter in, I have to go run through the streets of Rittersberg scantily-clad, avoiding chamber pots falling from the windows, and hopefully finishing the level.

You have always been the Strong One,

Uberbabe.

---

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

He was mad with Uberbabe, but he put it out of his mind for the moment, because he found it hard to concentrate on more than 1/2 a thing at once.

Strong Man asked Ubergrau about 'Ludwig II - Ludwig's Revenge'

Ubergrau: "King Ludwig was like your Marylin Monroe, or Elvis. He liked to wear dresses, and he liked his meat between two buns."

Ubergrau: "He built a few castles which you might be interested in seeing. One is called 'Never-land-stein', and he's got a museum dedicated to him called 'Ludwig's Believe it or Not!'. If you cant make it out to the country, just buy any 3000-piece puzzle, they're all over them."

Hmmm, could it be? Another way to foil Uberbabe! Strong Man felt a warm, fuzzy feeling at the thought of not having Uberbabe around. Then he realised where the feeling was coming from - he'd been busting all day, but he'd finally peed his pants. Never one to waste, Strong Man bottled it, deciding to send it to Uberbabe as a gift.

Strong Man asked about the missing persons case Leber mentioned, because it was on his funky list of topics.

Ubergrau: "Of course, I'll get my secretary Lewinskigrau to do some research for you. I see you're acquainted with her talents. It that okay with you Ubermonica?"

(a muffled 'mmmfff' is heard from underneath Ubergrau's desk)

Ubergrau: "Yes... well..."

Strong Man asked Ubergrau where he might get some weis-wurst.

Lewinskigrau: (from under desk) "mff hhmhmh mfhfmfm hmmmhff mfhm hmmmff"

Ubergrau: (smiling) "You said it, Kenny."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Ubergrau: "Down the road, at the World'O'Wurst."

Strong Man thanked Ubergrau, and left.

***

Strong Man headed back to the farm. All this sexual imagery from out-of-nowhere was making him yearn for the peaceful simplicity of the country.

Strong Man entered the Huber's house, and wrote a letter to Uberbabe. He grabbed the empty cardboard box the beignets had come in, stuffed the letter inside, along with the piss bottle, and left the farm.

***

Strong Man dropped the letter off at the post office on his way to the hunt club. When he arrived, he found the club to be empty, except for Xavier, the receptionist. Strong Man asked Xavier if he knew any rumors about black werewolves infiltrating the hunt club.

Xavier: "No, I have not seen anything, Mr Knight. How about you Mr. Bow-Tie?"

Xavier spoke out of the corner of his mouth, pretending his bow-tie had a voice.

Mr. Bow-Tie: "I saw all the men go hunting and have sex in the woods."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man searched the hunt club, and found the place to be empty. Just when he was about to give up and leave, he spotted two doors out the back. He wondered where these led to...

Xavier (calling out from front desk): "Nothing of interest through there, Mr. Knight."

Mr. Bow-Tie: "Those doors? Oh, they lead to the back alley, and the secret hunting room."

Xavier: (to Mr. Bow-Tie) "You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"

Strong Man ignored the shouting, as he noticed a third door. He found this one to be unlocked, so he went inside.

Monkey: "Eeeeeeeecchh eeeeeccchhh eeeeeccchhh!"

A screeching monkey came rushing out of the room, through Strong Man's legs, and out the back alley. That was strange... he flicked on the light switch.

Plants! He was surrounded! He'd stumbled into the club's private greenhouse, the sunlight bursting through the glass panes around him. Wait a minute... this gave Strong Man an idea! Quickly he plucked the grandfather clock out of his inventory (pants), and set it down in the middle of the greenhouse. Carefully he wound the clock, so that the big hand was on the dragon, and the little hand was on the three, then ran as quickly as he could out of the room, back to the front reception. Xavier was still there.

Xavier: "Hello again Mister Kni..."

*LOUD PATRIOTIC GERMAN MUSIC CAN BE HEARD IN DISTANCE*

Xavier: "Hmmm... you wait here while Mr. Bow-Tie and I go check that out."

Xavier left his post. Perfect! Strong Man rifled through his desk draw. There was:

* a bottle of hand cream
* a blindfold
* a pair of tongs
* a pair of rubber surgeon's gloves
* a large carrot
* a 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' record
* a banana
* a pink gym shirt
* a pair of bicycle shorts (tight)
* a moist flannel

and...

* a set of keys!

Strong Man grabbed the keys quickly. As well as the stuff in the drawer, there was also whole bunch of weird homosexual bondage gear stashed behind the desk, but he decided to leave it, since it didn't interest him, and besides, it was only Tuesday.

Xavier came rushing back.

Xavier: "Oh, nothing to worry about Mr. Knight, just those rascally neighborhood kids putting another grandfather clock in the greenhouse! Those nutty pranksters!"

Mr. Bow-Tie: "Anything you saw behind the desk is his."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

***

Strong Man unlocked and entered the door to the secret hunting room. He glanced around at the walls around him. Large bazookas on one wall, shoulder mounted SAMs on the other. What the hell did these guys hunt, ninja turtles?

Strong Man looked at the photos on the wall, of hunting trips. They showed Von Zell and Von Glower slaughtering various animals... a kangaroo, a koala, a platypus...

Strong Man searched the desk. Strong Man looked at the skull sitting on the desk. A snake crawled out of one of it's eye-sockets, and it started to bleed. Some brains pulsated inside, and it's teeth rattled. It's laugh filled the room with terror.

Skull: "Muhahahahahahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha!"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man picked up the skull, and ate it. Underneath where the skull had been, sat a little notebook. He looked inside. There were business dealings in there, for fur. Strong Man read them etc...

Von Zell came down the stairs!

Von Zell: "You! How did you get in here?"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Von Zell: "This room is for members only! If you are a member, then you will know the password... what is today's password?"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Von Zell: "Hmmm, strange that you know the password already... no matter. Come with me."

Strong Man followed Von Zell up the stairs, pleased that he had passed the obligatory copy protection question.

Von Zell sat down in the hunt club living room, glaring at Strong Man the whole time. Strong Man knew he didn't like him. He thought he'd make conversation, maybe lessen the air of hostility between them. He asked Von Zell about 'The Negro Wolf'

Von Zell: "I'm BETA than you, you American swine."

Strong Man mentioned how hunting was just a matter of practice, and he hoped to go hunting with Von Zell and the rest of the members soon.

Von Zell: "BULLSHIT! I curse at you, you American swine."

Strong Man asked if he and Von Glower ever went hunting anymore.

Von Zell: "We used to... but I've been going though a lot of PWT(*) lately. And besides, you're they new toy boy, you American swine."

* PWT = Pre Werewolf Tension

Strong Man asked Von Zell why there were pictures of Australian native fauna in the basement.

Von Zell: "We have them imported, because the Kanagroos left the German woods many years ago, you American swine. Besides, what are you doing rifling through our personal stuff?!"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Von Zell: "Aaaagh!"

Strong Man: "Do you want to..."

Von Zell: "Aaaagh!"

Strong Man: "Do you..."

Von Zell: "Aaaagh!"

Strong Man: "Do..."

Von Zell: "Aaaagh! Aaaaaaaaagh!"

Von Zell kept shouting. Xavier ran in.

Xavier: "Is everything ok Baron Von Zell?"

Von Zell: "Aaaaaaaaiiii.... yes."

Von Zell walked out in a huff. Hmpf!

Mr Bow-Tie: "Well, what a namby pampy."

Xavier: "You can say that again Mr. Bow-Tie!"

Mr Bow-Tie: (soft voice) "well, what a namby pamby..."

***

Strong Man went back to visit Von Glower, since he was always up for some more wine, and the Baron's strange voice had a sort of 'siren call' to it.

Strong Man asked Von Glower about the 'club basement'

(reader note: remember CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is playing Von Glower...)

Von Glower: "I searched the basement, I thought someone might be there... I have a gun."

*shot of Von Glower loading shotgun shells*

Von Glower: "And... I thought I'd go, you know, check out the club. Something wasn't right. I... had to sing. My Indian hunting song, and it goes a little something like this."

Von Glower: (american indian voice) "Humaaayoooieee, Hooommmaaayoooieee, Hooommaaayoooieee, Haaammmaayoooieee... and cocktails, for two."

Strong Man asked Von Glower about 'the club philosophy'.

Von Glower: "We have this philosophy. At the club. We have this -philosophy- at the club."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Von Glower: "I know, it sounds crazy... we like decided. All together, to ignore punctuation. To get in touch with our animal selves. But I'm trying to hold the club together, while one of my members is off chasing little girls in the woods, off chasing some, itty... bitty titty."

Von Glower: "And, we also, as a rule, sing Indian hunting songs..."

Von Glower: (american indian voice) "Humaaayoooieee, Hooommmaaayoooieee, Hooommaaayoooieee, Haaammmaayoooieee... and cocktails, for two."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Strong Man left, before his brain died.

***

Strong Man went back to the hunt club, and found the bald headed Preiss at the bar. Priess was mysterious.

Priess: "Hello, we meet again. I was standing over here because I smell."

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

Herr Priess sat down in the chair by the fireplace, and Strong Man struck up a conversation. He asked him about 'himself':

Priess: "I used to be a lawyer, but now I just... entertain..."

Strong Man asked him 'what type of entertaining he does'

Priess: "I... like women, Mr. Knight. I'm sure you understand."

Strong Man asked him 'no, I'm as thick as a plank of wood, please spell it out for me'

Priess: "I like to... tickle them. It's my one weakness. If I didn't have women to tickle Mr. Knight, I think I might have to go kill some poor innocent farm girls who pick flowers."

Strong Man cocked an eyebrow. Priess just kept stroking his bald head.

Strong Man asked him 'I'm still not quite sure what you do with the women after you've tickled them'

Priess: "Oh Mr. Knight, you're a man of the world... and this is a computer game. Now, let's move on."

Strong Man asked Priess about 'Von Zell'

Priess: "Von Zell... he's a bastard. He's been getting stroppy since that trip to the woods. I think the Baron did something to him... if you know what I mean..."

Strong Man asked 'no, I don't know what you mean, I'm as dumb a doorknob'

Priess: "There are more ways to stock a fire than with a poker, Mr. Knight."

Strong Man asked 'even though I'm large, I'm still quite innocent about these matters, please fill me in.'

Priess: (winking mischeviously) "Here they come, through the back door."

Strong Man watched as the rest of the club members filed into the main lounge room through the back entrance. Strong Man decided to take the opportunity to question the two drunks by the bar. Heinemann and Von Aigner wore matching colourful clothes, like Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee.

Strong Man asked them about 'themselves'

When they spoke, they bobbed up and down, like Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee, and spoke in funny song-rhymes.

Heinemann: "We can tell you about ourselves. Eep."

Von Aigner: "Yes, we can tell you about ourselves. Oop."

Heinemann: "Tomorrow. Eep."

Von Aigner: "Tomorrow. Oop."

Strong Man asked them if they knew 'Grossberg'

Heinemann: "I did not know him. Eep."

Von Aigner: "I did not know that he was dead I mean I did not know him. Oop."

Strong Man asked them what they were talking about before he walked up.

Heinemann: "We were talking about the hunting trip. Eep."

Von Aigner: "The hunting trip. Oop. You will be going hunting with us? Oop?"

Heinemann: "Yes, you will be going hunting with us? Eep?"

Strong Man: "Do you want to eat my fist?"

The two men looked sheepish, and lowered their heads.

Heinemann: "Who is Uki?"

Von Aigner: "Who is Orbi?"

Heinemann & Von Aigner (together): "That is a question that pleases us!"

Von Glower overheard the conversation.

(reader note: remember CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is playing Von Glower...)

Von Glower: "You can come hunting with us... for sure. We've got this cabin, in-the-woods..."

Von Zell: "He is not coming."

Von Glower: "Oh come on daddy-o. Don't be such a crazy cat. You're mad mad mad. You're mad."

Von Glower: (crazy head nods) "If it's not this it's that. If it's not that it's this. Besides, when we go hunting, we get to sing. Sing our indian hunting song."

Von Glower: (american indian voice) "Humaaayoooieee, Hooommmaaayoooieee, Hooommaaayoooieee, Haaammmaayoooieee... and cocktails, for two."

Strong Man guessed that meant he was coming. Von Zell sat back down and resumed talking to Klingmann. Strong Man wondered what they were talking about... maybe about him!

Strong Man walked over to the two men, and asked them 'what are you two crazy kids talking about?'

Von Zell: "We could tell you, you American swine, but then I'd have to -kill- you!"

Strong man looked shocked, as did Klingmann.

Klingmann: "Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mean that..."

Von Zell: "No actually the boy is quite astute, I really do want to kill him."

If only he could tape their conversation behind their backs! Strong man looked around the room... there was a LAMP on the desk between them. He carefully picked it up, unscrewed the top, and tried to stuff the icepick into the stem of the lamp. But when he layed the PALM of his hand on it, it shattered, because of his enormous strength. Damn!

Frustrated, Strong Man grabbed a magazine to read. He looked at the cover. Wow, it looked like a fat version of Jane Jensen! Strong Man read the magazine:

---

(in German)

'Jane' magazine, issue #78

Contents:

1. Rejected REM album titles.
2. How to look like a deviant if you are a game developer (cover story).
3. How to record people's conversations by putting a tape recorder in between the pages of this magazine and setting it upon the coffee table between Von Zell and Klingmann.

---

Strong Man put the tape recorder in the magazine, and put it on the table between the two men.

Von Zell: "Is that a tape recorder in his magazine, or is the magazine just glad to see me? Ha ha ha ha..."

Klingmann: "No, it's a tape recorder."

Von Zell. "Oh." (mumbling) "American swine..."

Von Glower called Strong Man over for a chat.

Von Glower: "We never -talk- anymore. It's silence, all around me. And I ask you now, how you been..."

Von Zell (shouting) "Aaaaaaaagh!"

Von Glower: "Go to hell..."

Von Zell stormed out of the room.

Strong Man expressed his apologies for upsetting the harmony in the club.

Von Glower: "It's just Von Zell. He'll be back, and, I'll pull out my Tommy gun. And BLAM! He'll die... and you. You'll be alive."

Von Glower: "That's it for today, you can stay or go."

Strong Man left.

***

That night...

Strong Man drove back to the Huber farm. As he parked in the driveway, a cute little furry rabbit was startled in his headlights.

Rabbit: *blink*!

Strong Man stopped the car, turned the engine off, got out, and went up to the poor frightened creature. He gave it a pat to make it feel better, but because of his enormous strength, it became horribly mutilated.

At that moment, Strong Man sensed a presence in the yard with him. He looked off ito the woods at the edge of the house. He was sure he could see the eyes of a wolf...

Wolf: "Grrr..."

Strong Man 'exposed his large glittering talisman'.

Wolf (running away like a frightened Chihuahua): "yaipe yaipe yaipe!"

Strong Man put his 'large glittering talisman' back in his in inventory (pants), and headed inside the farmhouse.

PLEASE INSERT CD 4 AND MASH <ENTER> WITH YOUR FIST TO CONTINUE