25/Aug/1997 - Evolution in Action
I just spotted this in THIS is TRUE and figured the rest of you
needed to see it:
SEARCHING FOR A HEART WHEN IN NEED OF A BRAIN: Twelve thieves broke
into the Yunnan Tin Co. in Gejun, China, and stole so much tin that
they needed four taxis to help haul it all away. The tin had been
recovered from ore with help from arsenic, which forms a poison gas
when exposed to water. It was raining during the theft. Eight of the
gang are dead; two are in critical condition. (AFP) ...Just another
case of natural deselection in action.
26/Aug/1997 - Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
12> "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11> "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10> "So -- what are you wearing?"
9> "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8> "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
7> "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6> "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife,
a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
5> "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4> "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3> "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2> "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
1> "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
30/Aug/1997 - You think you're unique?
[This is mildly amusing to me. Several people found it totally killer,
though, so I figure I'll send it out. Courtesy of Drew]
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just
do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel
like moron and wish you had listened.
1) pick a number from 1-9
2) subtract 5
3) multiply by 3
4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not
square root)
5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=
6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) multiply by 2
8) subtract 6
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C,
etc...
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of an
animal that begins with that letter
12) think of the color of that animal
(keep scrolling)
************************************************************
* DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
************************************************************
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry.
You have a grey elephant from Denmark, don't you?
Freaky, isn't it??
3/Sep/97 - Cooperative Story Writong
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
----------------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %&#$!.
5/Sep/97 - Turn About
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
5/Sep/97 - Cause and Effect
Understanding Cause And Effect
A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".
Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".
Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".
Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".
Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".
So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.
The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.
6/Sep/97 - Worst Convenience Foods
The 8 Worst Convenience Foods
-----------------------------
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which
is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well,
harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits
(as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds
up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best
thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep
on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already."
The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and
"mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the
mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking
to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a
single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended
daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label
on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its
size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance
(it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may
change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new
meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent,
but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor
that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did
you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food
Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack.
Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's
blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these
heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may
not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question
of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh
team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare
you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score
a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw
clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled
mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
8/Sep/97 - Corporate Haikus
Corporate Haikus
Fields of white daisies
Now stained by fresh blood --
Our offsite meeting has failed.
Heat shimmers from the cars
Around my parking place;
They all want my job.
Ponderous, the glacial ice
Flows still faster than
My corporation.
Savor a deadline;
it is merely an excuse
to stay up all night.
A marketing bird!
He tells me, tells me, and then
tells me what he told me.
Sunset is never
ensnared in a choice between
cost and quality.
(c) copyright 1993 by William Warriner
9/Sep/97 - Job Placement Test
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting
people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job
placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what
they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in
Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to
Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
12/Sep/97 - Bill Gates' Diary
The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates' Diary
11> Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought
Melissa to complete the foursome.
10> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but
he doesn't do windows -- yet.
9> The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8> Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7> Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash
bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6> Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three
hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one
whole.
5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy
china, she means dishes.
2> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates' Diary...
1> Seventh day: rested.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
12/Sep/97 - Three Envelopes
The departing CEO of a large corporation pulled his successor aside.
He handed him three numbered envelopes. "If you ever get in too deep
to dig your way out," he said. "Open these envelopes in order and do
what they tell you."
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,
sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About
at his wits' end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer
and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your
predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the
blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments,
the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to
pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened
the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did,
and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company
once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
16/Sep/97 - Cultural Values
A Texan, a Californian, and a Seattlite are sitting at a crowded bar.
The Texan grabs a bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good
swig, and throws the bottle into the air. He then pulls out a .45
caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying Tequila all over
everything. The other patrons at the bar shout, "Hey, why'd you waste
that?!" The Texan says, "Hell, it's just Tequila. Where I come from,
we got lotsa Tequila."
The Californian, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a
bottle of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls it, sniffs it, sips
it, then throws the bottle into the air, and shoots it with a little
silver pistol. The patrons again express their displeasure and
astonishment at such a waste of a good bottle of wine. The
Californian says, "Napa Valley, we got lots of great wine down there."
The Seattlite borrows the corkscrew, pops the cap off a battle of Red
Hook and downs the entire bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the
air, grabs the Texan's .45, shoots the Californian and simultaneously
catches the falling bottle. Now the people are screaming, "Why'd you
do that!!??" The Seattlite replies, "We got lots of Californians, but
I can recycle this bottle."
18/Sep/97 - Programming Languages
Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet.
Ada in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants.
C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.
18/Sep/97 - Bill of No Rights
Bill of No Rights
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep
our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren,
hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other
liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of
No Rights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
but no one is guaranteeing anything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based
on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.,
but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently
wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the
most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need,
but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation
of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but
from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public
health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us get together and kill you.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't
be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place
where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life
of leisure.
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and
do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little
tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that
you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
18/Sep/97 - Duck!
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the
earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million
years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from
the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the
tallest ones, anyway.
18/Sep/97 - Stalked by Martha Stewart
The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
15> Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about
you... and that's a good thing!"
14> Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced
with juice can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases.
13> On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice
downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
12> You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
11> Size 6 Bruno Magli imprints on all your doilies.
10> You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of
palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
9> The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after
you leave the bathroom.
8> You discover that every napkin in the whole friggin' house has
been folded into a swan.
7> No matter *where* you eat, your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.
6> Annoying crank phone calls begin with, "Hold, please, for
Ms. Stewart."
5> Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
4> That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
3> The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are
stained to match the shower curtain.
2> You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
stuffing in every orifice.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1> You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at
your temple.
23/Sep/97 - 911 Call
A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing
the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the phone
in whispering voice ...
[barely audible] Hello!
(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"
(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"
(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the police."
(Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because they are really busy."
(Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the firemen."
(Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?"
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!"
(Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Looking for me!"
7/Oct/97 - Of Dogs and Men
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
-- Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
-- Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
-- You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
-- Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
-- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
*really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's
a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to
you.)
-- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
-- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
-- You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
-- Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
-- Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
-- Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
-- Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
-- You can train a dog.
-- Dogs understand what "no" means.
-- Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
-- Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
-- Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
-- You can house train a dog.
-- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.
-- Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
-- Dogs are nice to your relatives.
-- Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
-- Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
-- Dogs admit it when they're lost.
-- Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
-- Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
-- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
-- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
-- You can force a dog to take a bath.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
-- Both take up too much space on the bed.
-- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
-- Both are threatened by their own kind.
-- Both like to chew wood.
-- Both mark their territory.
-- Both are bad at asking you questions.
-- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
-- Both tend to smell riper with age.
-- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
-- Neither do dishes.
-- Both fart shamelessly.
-- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
-- Both like dominance games.
-- Both are suspicious of the postman.
-- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
-- Neither understands what you see in cats.
-- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
-- Men only have two feet to track in mud.
-- Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.
-- Men open their own cans.
-- Dogs have dog breath ALL the time
-- Men can do math stuff.
-- Holiday Inns accept men.
-- Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
8/Oct/97 - Catholic Tough Love
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be
the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big
deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating!
Not only to him, but to his mom and dad, too! They tried anything
and everything to help their son... private tutors, peer assistance,
CD-ROMs, extra textbooks, even hypnosis. Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll
their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a
Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his
salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan
sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother
and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And
when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression
on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked
right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the
door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books
strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long
enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight
back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his
studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it
was time for the first quarter report card.
After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card -
unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the
family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were
petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her
amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled
at the remarkable progress of their young son!
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook
his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the
mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, "No."
"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first
day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"
"How so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the
plus sign, I knew they were serious!
11/Oct/97 - Windows 95 on Mir
Top 10 Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95
by mike popovic
# 10: The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue"
#9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
#8: The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee
maker.
#7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.
#6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's
computers to keep their system running.
#5: The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper
driver cannot be found"
#4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support,
the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
#3: The astronauts spend three days looking for Cyrillic version of the
CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.
#2: Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.
And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95....
#1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg
11/Oct/97 - Learn From Your Kids
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding)
------------------------------------------------------------
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
A four-years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing underwear and a Superman cape.
It is, however, strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up
a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
four inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Duplos will not.
"Play Dough" and "Microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show
that they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(although mostly in retrospect).
14/Oct/97 - Star Trek Meets Dilbert
What the 24th century would be like under today's management
techniques:
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's
record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.
Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star
Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods
and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer
interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel
disability claims.
The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with
Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version
of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered
to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life
forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is
introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties
Using No-longer-produced Shows).
Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training
after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the
Ferengis, the Q, and the Romulans.
A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's
counselor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing
weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were
conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance
reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times,
they're still only getting 3% raises.
14/Oct/97 - More Interesting Facts
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) AND the Steel Bridge (Portland, Oregon) are the only
places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under
a car driving under an airplane.
Emus cannot walk backwards.
The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
Military Academy at West Point, NY.
There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen
blimps are in the United States.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He
spoke all of Vader's lines, and he didn't know that he was going to be
dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the
movie.
Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.
The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
(MOdulateDEModulate)
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and
Australia have participated in every Games.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
Giraffes have no vocal cords.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia
still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for
blacks and whites.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.
Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
after the Catholic Church.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run
Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
gallon to clean the pot.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but
only 6 people were injured.
Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers
in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition.
It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day
after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
18/Oct/97 - A short History of Medicine
I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
18/Oct/97 - Satan Visits Bill Gates... Again
"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"
"It's tiiiiime..."
"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer
swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants
to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again,
and..."
"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already,
not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to
mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter."
"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much
as I..."
"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill
Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to
me."
"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."
"Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest
man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and
daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the
planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And
frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to
collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll
spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run
on doorbells..."
"What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk?
OS/2? You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."
"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications
to Java..."
"Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my
pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for
$50 a share."
"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle
databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web
through Netscape Navigator."
"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy
tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an
NC actually being used to do anything except crash during
demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for
animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos
isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform
on hundreds of millions of PCs."
"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be
damned if I'm going to give God a strategic technology
advantage!"
"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a
single word?"
"Interesting. Tell me more."
"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"
"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet
right this second."
"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."
"Disable what?"
"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."
"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"
"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java,
give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't
buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes."
"The Department of Justice will..."
"Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my
enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet
dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants
don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to
support Java?"
"It's an industry standard..."
"It's an industry hallucination."
"There will be a public outcry..."
"From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up
to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1,
2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee."
"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web
sites?"
"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows
preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone
from zero to half in two years. It's a safe bet most
people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a
site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump
to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to
ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"
"What about other platforms..."
"Like Intel has competition?"
"Interactive TV..."
"We call it WebTV in Redmond."
"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."
"To get a date with Kim Polese."
"Sun will write a plug-in..."
"Not without the hidden APIs."
"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You
may stay."
"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license
agreement..."
21/Oct/97 - World's most dangerous golf courses
The next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf
course, just be glad it isn't filled with crocodiles.
According to the April issue of Men's Health magazine, here are the 10 most
dangerous golf courses around the world:
Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by
a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long.
Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are
sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi
River.
Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber
excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style
competition.
Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the
land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand
dunes. Incoming!
Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran
into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas
rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company.
Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham's remote
location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year
period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.
Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim
Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as
another emerged from its mouth.
Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully
executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a
monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie
dispatched the ape.
Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved
into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective
fencing while awaiting their turn.
Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you're
Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks
beyond the fifth green.
23/Oct/97 - Search and Rescue
Just read this in the latest issue of Explore magazine.
Sure, you might get lost,
but don't worry,
you're biodegradable.
23/Oct/97 - Offensive dwarf joke
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the
hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their
separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to
reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears
cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection."
The second dwarf shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asks.
"I couldn't even get on the bed!"
23/Oct/97 - Rejection Lines
(
geocities.com/timessquare)