--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You might not want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not ?" asked someone from the back of the room.
"Well... I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She
made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table & cabinets,
often carrying a single item." the expert explained. "I suggested how
she might improve the quality of service."
"And did it work ?" the audience member persisted.
"Well... actually yes. It used to take her 25 minutes to fix me
breakfast. Now, I do it in eighteen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a
set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
"M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points
than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and
answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set
"P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company
improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per
share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages
investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The
firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger
employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a
nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger
charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a
ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the
logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails
a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing
the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in
order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the
automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charlie Brown Specials We'd Like to See
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend
who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE
BROWN, WHY?
Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets
which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss
of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability.
Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about
some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the 90s?
* We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.
* Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted
pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!
* Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE
BROWN.
* Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME
DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN.
* See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO,
CHARLIE BROWN.
* Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET,
CHARLIE BROWN.
* The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO
ASS, CHARLIE BROWN.
* What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner
workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter
ego, Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.
* Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social
Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE
BROWN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
Signs Technology has taken over your life
-----------------------------------------
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the
breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you
have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is
letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least
one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers
with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers --- and you butt in to correct him and spend
the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while
the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression". Everyone understands what you mean,
and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to
explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your
own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are
plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke
symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters
your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your
house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know
where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure
enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology
question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a
laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the
lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during
our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the
edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same -
rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap
themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the
passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat
pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled
themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came
through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report
that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On
behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very
much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for
a pleasant stay in Boston."
"Jeez Man - whadda bitchin' ride'' Boy - I sure could use a cup
of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now'"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform
the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers
called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to
spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one
room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one
room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room.
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES:
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare. Same with restaurants.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere
in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat
it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have
lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds --
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By
midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After
many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Chinese lady on holidays in London goes to the bank to change some
Hong Kong Dollars into pounds.
She asks what the exchange rate is and the teller says, "HK$12.50 for
1 British pound." She goes ahead and changes some money.
The next day she needs some more pounds and goes back to the bank.
This time the teller says, "HK$12.80 for 1 British pound."
The Chinese lady says, "What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50
and now today it's $12.80???"
The snotty british teller says. "Fluctuations."
The Chinese lady replies, "Well, fuck you Caucasians too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word
"Pants" for key words:
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it
counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Many Bothans died to bring us these pants.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we
use it.
Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on
board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.
Luke... Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
Luke.....I am your pants.
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of
my old master.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily
guarded than this.
Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially
one... Your sister!
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first
sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a
man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all
right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and
watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer
artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder
and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'll be
over here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. MacDonald's wife went into labor
in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in
the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his
photographers, "There's a fire raging out of control west of town, and
I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good
shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't
worry about the expense."
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes
out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it,
pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot, "Let's go, take
off." As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the
reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want
you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."
Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"
"Sure!", the reporter says. "I am a photojournalist and that's why I
am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, "You
mean you're not the flight instructor?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and
an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to
that Injun to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms
around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY WATCHING
"BAYWATCH"
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in
slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one
actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of
15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people
are unreliable and often evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are
worshiped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen
seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by
jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and
lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are
poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers
the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering
30 feet above this field."
"You must work in MIS" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the
same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Wars vs. Star Trek
Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the
Star Trek Universe
10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on
"stun".
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit
and a crew of twenty just to go into warp-- the Millennium
Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after
some Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
action.
6) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
5) One word: lightsabers.
4) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
Slave I.
3) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
2) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a contest in which Baby Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how
much harder it was in the old days:
In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only
had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get
to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a
thousand times, dadgummit.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the
winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day, we didn't have hand held calculators. We had to do
addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers
amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing,"
"one," "twain" and "multitudes."
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice
saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and
if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way
to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope
you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited
about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time
for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell
everyone when to change.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a
comet.
(David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy healthfood restaurants. Every day
we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes
drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong
as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own
hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun
revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of
a giant tortoise.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff
just came to your house and told you "you was part of a posse."
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty,
my beloved paper clip.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired
liberal 80 year old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal
60-year-old guys.
(Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ...
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of
divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable
person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two
and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and
showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to
the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the
desk and said in a low voice....
"How much do you want it to be?" .....He got the job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The ever-growing size of software applications is what makes Moore's
Law possible: If we hadn't brought your computer to its knees, why
would you go out and buy a new one?"
- Nathan Myhrvold (Microsoft Group VP) at ACM97 on planned obsolescence
in the computer industry
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 30, 1998
The Top 12 Ways Life Would be
Different If There Were No Vowels
12> Wht th fck knd f tpc s ths?
11> Nothing before nothing except after c? Sure, Teach.
Whatever.
10> Cartoon strip characters limited to sleeping and swearing.
9> Sudden inability to pick out the Czech hockey players in
the NHL.
8> Alex Trebek: still wealthy and famous.
Pat and Vanna: living in a van down by the river and fighting
tooth and Press-on Nail over dwindling supply of food.
7> As the price of Sesame Street stock plummets, Bert and Ernie
are laid off.
6> Y, during interrogation, denies ever working for the
deposed junta.
5> 19% less time on the crapper.
4> The Thomas Brothers' Map regional offices in Honolulu do
some serious downsizing.
3> Now, *51* ways to leave your lover! Latest addition:
"Sorry babe, but U and I are history."
2> Old MacDonald awakens to an eerie silence.
and Top5's Number 1 Way Life Would be
Different If There Were No Vowels...
1> President Clinton breathes a sigh of relief, since he
never said he didn't have sex with Mnc Lwnsk.
http:\\www.topfive.com
(
geocities.com/timessquare)