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Professional Bagpiper (and sometime movie extra), Kevin Hendryx passes on
this bit of musical humor
Captain Queeg goes into a harbor bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll
bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this here octopus
can't play." The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an
old mandolin.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes it, and starts playing a few
choruses of "Rawhide." Captain Queeg quickly pockets the fifty bucks.
The next bar patron comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing "Stella By
Starlight."
Yet another $50 is handed over to the smiling captain.
The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears into the back
room, returning a few minutes with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He
puts them on the bar and says to the captain and his octopus, "Now, I'll bet
you a hundred dollars your damn octopus can't play that!"
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has
another look from a different angle and then starts the process over again.
Puzzled, the captain comes over to the octopus and asks, "What are you
waiting around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
"Play it, hell!" frowned the octopus. "As soon as I figure out how to get
her pajamas off, we're outta here!"
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The State Of The Union Address That President Clinton Should Have Given.
Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to
do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't
appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through
her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and
she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in
the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell,
sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt
that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was
as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out
to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging
baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's
he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17%
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had
just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood,
the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first
time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't
seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.
Bottom line:
I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...
unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to
discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential limousine.
God Bless AMERICA. Thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only
advantage he has over Emergency Room
doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with
patients installing new versions of their own innards."
-- Michael O'Brien
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET:
Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet
NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the
consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a
Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet
will soon join the show's cast.
"The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame
Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said
Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D
does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that
Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new
character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with
the show."
Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and applies
to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.
The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame Street
Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors
have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape
of the episode before it makes a decision.
Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was
motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a
section of the population that employs the letter frequently.
"D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine,
words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said
Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is
likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment
of its users."
While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by
Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a
number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip
from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to
match the rhythm of the alphabet song.
Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime
supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said:
"Me disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame
Street due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of
endorsing deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not
immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me."
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A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he
was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection
of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner
that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could
consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees
were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to
be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the
friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting
him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and
decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor
buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to
him and asked him if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf
have a mother?"
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He
said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He
said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He
said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god
or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I
said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you
reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of
god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
-- Emo Phillips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
-- Emo Phillips
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been
paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
-- Emo Phillips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for
five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
-- Emo Phillips
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.
-- Emo Phillips
******
Emo Phillips joke
I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were
taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the
teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you
cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no."
She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and
he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the
middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat
the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I
could try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch
and eat me first, ya weirdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the
school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school
psychologist?" So he shows me the petition.
So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot
look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing." He said,
"Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarrassed. Tell me, what
does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it
looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach series to test
obsessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK,
it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look
like?" I said "It looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that
sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said,
"No, uh the inkblot's over there, that's a photo of my wife you're
looking at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part."
And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I
thought, hey, this isn't easter. "Is this a test?" And he said, "Yes."
"And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you
would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had
an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had
latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you
would have had a latent Oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what does it
mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He
said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction." I said,
"Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I get closer in touch with my
inner sociopath."
"I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault."
"In some cultures what I do would be considered normal."
"Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
others."
"My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment."
"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all."
"I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me."
"I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, whine and
complain."
"As I learn the innermost secrets of those around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet."
"Whenever someone hurts me, I know forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit but not nearly as gratifying."
"As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun."
"I am one with my duality."
"Only a lack of imagination spares me from my imaginary fears."
"I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws."
"Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than 'I told you so.'"
"A good scapegoat is often times better than a solution to the
problem."
"Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV;
instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom."
"The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
is working."
"I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage."
"Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step;
blaming my parents."
"I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for those around me
in which I can ridicule and demean."
"To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it appear as
if I am giving as much as I am getting."
"I am now willing to make mistakes as long as someone else is willing
to learn from them."
"Joan of Arc heard voices too."
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Wanted: Water Fowl Hazer
Deadline Application Date: 12-31-96
Job Description:
Responsible for preventing high bacteria levels in a NYC watershed
reservoir. The job includes driving boats and hovercrafts, and
firing pyrotechnics. The Water Fowl Hazer gets to drive around all
day in a boat, shooting rockets in the direction of birds to scare
them away. In the winter, instead of a boat, a hovercraft is used to
get around on the ice.
To qualify, you must have:
Any small boating knowledge
Any water fowl birding experience
Any type of Biology or Natural Sciences degree
To apply, contact Jim Morrison at:
LMS Engineers, 1 Blue Hill Plaza, Pearl River, NY 10965
Last Updated 9/10/96
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Brandon, Troy, and Kevin got lost in the jungle and were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live
if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the
forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
All three men went their separate ways to gather the fruit. Brandon
came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples". The king
explained the trial to him, "You have to shove the fruit up your butt
without any expression on your face, or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in
pain, so he was killed.
Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained
the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...
2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.
Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, "Why did you laugh?
You almost got away with it!" Troy replied, "I couldn't help it, I
looked up and saw Kevin coming back with pineapples."
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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was
ready to order.
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom
and answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What
would you like, sir?"
Again, the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
please".
This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across
the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think
it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."
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I noticed the other day that the guy who wrote the song "Hokey-Pokey"
recently passed away. Although saddened by his death, I was glad to be
reminded of the song. It was the first song I learned in Sunday
school, along with "Climb Up Sunshine Mountain." I think that's one of
the problems the Sunday school movement is facing today: no
hokey-pokey.
So I thought as a kind of memorial I'd offer an exegetical piece on
it. Because much of what I know about theology, I learned from
Hokey-Pokey. "You put your right foot in." No surprise here. Some of
the literal-minded among us used to wonder "in what?"; but most
children of goodwill got the general idea. "You take your right foot
out."
Why not? You put it in in the first place. You give, and then you
take. Here we have an almost Johannine dualism that echoes the
classic rhythms of life and death, love and hate, network and
cable. You share, then you withdraw. You are neither enmeshed nor
engaged. No co-dependents allowed in this game.
Here we learn about boundaries. It's my foot, and if I say "in," then
"in" it is, but I can "out" at any time. (Some redaction critics see
here the influence of the so-called "deutero-Hokey" Minirth-Meier
tradition.)
"You put your right foot in." Here's the element of surprise. Nobody
could have seen this one coming. The right foot was gone, and we had
no reason to hope it should ever be back. But just when it seemed
darkest, there's the right foot--in again. It's the motif of the
Prodigal Foot--first at home (in); then off to a distant country
(out); then it "comes to its senses and returns home" (in). This time
we know it's home to stay. And so we "shake it all about." Of
course. Who could hold it still?
The next phrase is shrouded in mystery. "Do the Hokey-Pokey and turn
yourself around." The difficulty here, of course, is the term and. For
the only motion involved is "turning yourself around," so what
precisely does it mean to "do the Hokey-Pokey"? Perhaps it is an
internal thing. Maybe you do it in your heart. Some hokeyologists say
this is supported by the fact that "turn," in the original Greek, is
epistrepho--the same word used for "conversion." This may be why at
the end of the song you must "put your whole self in"--climaxing a
subtle movement through the whole piece toward a call for existential
abandonment and commitment.
(Even the phrase "Hokey-Pokey" itself is a little obscure, when you
stop to think about it. Is "hokey" to be taken as an adjective,
telling us that "pokey" is a little on the tacky side, as opposed to
some more glamorous pokey? We don't know and probably never will.)
"That's what it's all about." There's clarity for you. So many people
wonder: "What's it all about?" The Hokey-Pokey doesn't shilly-shally
on this one--comes right out and tells you. They don't write them like
that anymore.
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A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his
house for what is popularly termed a 'nooner'. "Don't worry," he
purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no
risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and
suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims, "She took it with her! I always knew she
didn't trust me!"
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A business had just moved into a building of its own, and a long-time
friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He
arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a
warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining
the many floral arrangements and potted plants.
Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached
card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a
complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited
impatiently for the florist's explanation.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and
they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying:
Congratulations on your new location!
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"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
--Jake Johansen
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A
truck!'"
--Emo Phillips
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOB SECURITY QUIZ
Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the
new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably
incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason,
sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being
canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in
the job world.
1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at
your desk, you...
A) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first
make a copy for his kid.
B) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so
that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported
to Human Resources.
C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until
you've finished the level.
2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing
envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current
position. What do you do?
A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might
improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the
salary increase 50/50 with him.
C) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so
that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have
retired before he became a laughingstock."
3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office
except you, what do you do?
A) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle
of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw
rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A) Listen politely, and then apologize.
B) Blame someone else.
C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on
which you've written the word "union."
5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the
windshield wiper.
B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss
near it, loitering suspiciously.
C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth
birthday party, what do you do?
A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it
while pretending to be you.
C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children
that Kooky is dead.
7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?
A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date
the boss' daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for
her to go to the movie by herself.
B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.
C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like
cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly
attractive.
8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A) Clean the office while he supervises.
B) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling
you supposedly gave the job to.
C) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
SCORING
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire
you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your
complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll
positively shoot up the ladder of success.
Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired
you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that
time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter - not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now
it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
"I'm in the management training program."
"I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP)
I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
work!"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
"Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without
my hands."
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to
avoid getting shot."
"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
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Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version
of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before
using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms
of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3
percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many
features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer
operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster
storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps
Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking
and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.
Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all
existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use
another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of
Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And
despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice,
Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser
of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest
and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will
either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft
Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time
bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask
"Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more
times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the
time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that
the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded
when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes."
If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the
slow speed and frequent data loss associated with these other
browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard and Microsoft
Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the
current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake
the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing
the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to
upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits
has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as
"Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months
called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the on-line registration form.
It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number,
bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or purchasing habits, will be
shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft
DataShare partner. We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as
trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having
any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Help
line and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Help line is
open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of
Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded
to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to
the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that
American consumers want software designed by companies that are free
to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a
letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I
hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with
shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the
aisle toward him.
When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a
conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She
responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is
CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him,
and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we
try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She proceeds to explain: "Well, one popular myth is that African
American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native
American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the
Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent
who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting....." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I
don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto....Tonto Goldstein.
(
geocities.com/timessquare)