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Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam
says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on
me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?
You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three, hmmm, well when were they?" he asked as his face turned red,
but realizing he had pressured her...
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever,
to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to
save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a
thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved...
So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...."
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YOU MIGHT BE IN THE HEALTH CARE FIELD IF........
Discussing dismemberment (or rectal exams) over gourmet meal seems
perfectly normal to you.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You think unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says "Boy it sure
is quiet around here."
When you are out in public you compliment complete strangers on their
veins.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide.....getting
it
right the first time".
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing
hysterically.
You think caffeine should be available IV form.
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
You commonly utter the phrase "What changed tonight at 2 AM that made
this an emergency AFTER 6 MONTHS?!"
You believe that "Too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel
idea.
When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
You have been exposed to so many Xrays, you don't bother with birth
control.
You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the
hearts of co-workers.
You have heard "Why, I don't know how that got stuck in there" too
many times.
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HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
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Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client
10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about
it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started
working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when
you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three
month project.
1. What are you, stupid?
Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview
10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to
remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.
Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic
period".
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up
rentals.
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".
Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug
10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking
a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of "War and Peace" into a
two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an
expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any
real work experience.
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant
10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later
the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."
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The following are actual stories told to travel agents (and you wonder
why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography)...
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." her response....click.
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that
New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back,
she was not even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at
8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told
her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No,
why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a
minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back
and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline
was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes
have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."
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Kitty Litter Cake
1 18.5 oz. package spice cake mix
1 18.5 oz. package white cake mix
2 4-serving packages instant vanilla pudding mix
1 12 oz. box vanilla wafer cookies, crushed
6-10 Tootsie Rolls
Confectioner's sugar
1 Preferably brand new kitty litter pan
1 Preferably brand new plastic pooper scooper
Green food coloring
Plastic flies (can substitute raisins)
Prepare the cakes and pudding according to package
directions. Crumble the baked cake into the kitty litter pan, then add
the pudding and mix. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup
of the cookie crumbs and set aside; mix the rest into the pan.
Soften the Tootsie Rolls by placing in the microwave for 10
seconds on high and shape to resemble cat droppings. Arrange the
Tootsie Rolls on top of the cookie pudding-cake mixture; sprinkle with
green cookie crumbs.
Decorate with plastic flies (or raisin substitute), if
desired. Serve with the pooper scooper.
Recipe by Carolyn Wyman, author of The Kitchen Sink Cookbook:Offbeat
Recipes from Unusual Ingredients.
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Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said,
"Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is
his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, thats so god can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad
thats great", said little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to
meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you
mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming, and if it hadn't of been for
those two sailors holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Customer Support is like teaching kindergarten.
All day long, you sit and read to people who can't
do it for themselves.
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THE RULES OF LIFE:
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of
communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real
world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were
before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it is a do-it-yourself thing.
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True preparation for parenthood at ANY age:
Lesson 1
1. Go to the supermarket.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
* Methods of discipline
* Lack of patience
* Appallingly low tolerance levels
* Allowing their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve:
* Their child's sleeping habits
* Toilet training
* Table manners and
* Overall behavior.
Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all
the answers.
Lesson 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
9. Put the alarm on for 5AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there
all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed,
4. Then, rub them on the clean walls.
5. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms
hang out.
Time allowed for this --all morning.
Lesson 6
1.Take an egg carton
2. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an
alligator.
3. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
4. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle.
5. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of
Cocoa Pops.
6. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into
the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
Lesson 8
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9
Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times.
Lesson 10
Go to the local supermarket.
1. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool
child.... a full-grown goat is excellent.
2. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one
goat.
3. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight.
4. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
5. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate
having children.
Lesson 11
Feeding your baby
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at
least five years.
Lesson 13
1. Move to the tropics.
2. Find or make a compost pile.
3. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it.
Do this 3-5 times a day for two years.
Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Fine (The Nanny) saying "Mommy" repeatedly.
Important...
No more than a four second delay between each "mommy"
Occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is
required.
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with an toddler.
Lesson 15
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve,
or elbow while playing the tape made from FOURTEEN above.
3. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there
is a child in the room.
Lesson 16
Put on your finest work attire.
Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this
mixture.
4. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.
Lesson 17
Go for a ride, but first....
1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
child seat.
For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the
cat at each stop.
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EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and
deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of
hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99
billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks,
that number will roll over to 100GB.
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect
of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably
remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger,
McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts
predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no
McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete
collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to
force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn,
will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which,
finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy,
ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on
beetles.
"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of
100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a
copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the
hills."
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MODERN PHILOSOPHIES OF THE CYNIC
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to
press on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to
reach their level of
incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
(The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to
drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
(Project Management at its best).
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A friend of mine from Mississippi was cramming with friends in a study
room in her dorm one night. Between them and the Coke machine was
another room. Now, you have to understand something about my friend Lori.
She's got this frighteningly rosy glow, completely dark brown eyes and
dramatic hair. She's one of those hyperactively anal students whose
glare, when she's concentrating, makes you cringe. When she wears dark
green and silver, you can imagine her standing on the battle field in
front of a bunch of blue-painted guys, chanting and wielding something
unidentifiable but obviously dangerous. Anyway, that night she's in her
nightgown, something modest but shimmery. She walks out for her first
coke of the night, and walks into this crowd of loungers, mostly in black.
She went to MSMS, so she can handle this, walks on with barely a pause.
Everyone stares at her. She walks back, gets the same stare. She goes on
two more trips with the same results. Finally, on her way back through
the room, some kid stops her. "Mental challenge," he says. She spends
about three seconds building up the static charge while she looks at him,
and then says, "I win." And it's obvious, as she walks out without a look
back, that everybody believes her.
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Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't
mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want
one.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you
need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little
stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for
the punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's
just not crying. Big difference.
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' it would be much
appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp,
saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be
slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an
excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk
to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
going out to dinner.
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
No, you can't have the remote control.
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up between them and entered the small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch
the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up
again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mother."
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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will
You do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions
him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I'm God."
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A man goes to doctor Michel with a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers
that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for
his migraines and still there is no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a
migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get
out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17
years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well,"
says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
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You know how those novelty shops (Spencer's, et. al.), as if required
by some obscure law, all carry those cutesy keychains with various
sayings on them? Well, I happen to know that in your deepest innermost
desire, you really wanted a list of those ever so witty sayings...
- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.
- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
- Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
- Life is short. Don't be a dick.
- Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr.Right
- To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
- I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.
- I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.
- I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
- I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
- I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get
out of my way.
- You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me.
- It's Miss Bitch to you.
- Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
- How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over...(on both sides
of keychain)
- I am so good in bed that when i have sex even the neighbors need
a cigarette.
- If you're rich, I'm single.
- If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
- Give me a quarter or I'll touch you!
- To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's
time for a beer run!
- I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
- I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.
- In God we trust. All others we monitor.
- That dress just screams Crack Whore.
- The nuns made me dress this way.
- You! Out of the gene pool!
(
geocities.com/timessquare)