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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence
and were out heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So
frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the
elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed
on his was to the door. He opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
AND THAT my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree.
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It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you
doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
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Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held
her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale
lips quivered.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted. "Don't talk."
But she insisted: "Jake," she said in her tired voice, "I have to
talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right.
Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess that I have been
unfaithful to you.
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all
about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
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A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
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You Know You Are In San Francisco, when....
Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are
visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of
danger.
You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation
in English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know
the drivers have never seen it.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a
sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and
can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from
Ohio.
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers".... it's the first time you
have seen him/her nude.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and
is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still
need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between
yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web
site class.
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved
to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your
life depended on it.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You
don't notice.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from
the midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a
tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in
drag.
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New State Mottos
Alabama: At least we're not Mississippi!
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We're too small to have a motto
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right
to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah,
Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Habla Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for
the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly
put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous
payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and
fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the
compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a
shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead
of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're
gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E EM E N T :
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the
following with the party of the second part (herein referred
to as he/him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said
relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or
matchup), each party agrees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations,
or currently active relationships with anyone else that have
not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make
known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister
complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or
organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will
result in the immediate termination of said relationship
before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties
agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in
the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or
"psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John
DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George
Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture
of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho
bitch," see Latoya Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith or Tonya
Harding.
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said
relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties
mutually agree to use the following terminology in
describing their said "dating" For the first thirty (30)days
both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This
neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they
are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third
parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the
commencement of the "first date" either member may elect
to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual
acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no
circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little
woman, " "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable.
Further, if both members of the party consent, this
timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party
"gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other
party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds
of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on
the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30)
days both parties agree not to ask questions about the
others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long
holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations
will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
forty-five days, if one party continues to be "missing in
action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to
"give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days
both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate
of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business
ambitions. A maximum of three (3) phone calls will be made
between the two parties during the working day, and each
party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of
the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all
dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in
advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the
night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree
to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the
delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will
return to their normal personalities .
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -respective
gross income aside- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners,
clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until (a) He considers her
suitably impressed, (b) we are broke, or (c) He says, "this
is ridiculous, you pay!". Not included in this agreement are
meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the
availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as
the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" Should
said relationship progress to the point where the couple
spends more then five nights a week together, every effort
shall be made to split the time between their respective
apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt
to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30
in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in
residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers
out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the
same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his
apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend to excel in
this area!).
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three
months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other
blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in
together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic
terminology-"Let's get married." Additionally, each party
agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's
right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both
parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may
love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by
one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party
using the "G" word . . . "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the
following will be grounds for immediate termination and
final dissolution of said relationship: (a) Excessive use of
chatty French phrases; (b) Ending any argument with the
sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing"; (c)
Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member
should seek "help"; (d) Ending any argument with the phrase
"My analyst thinks you are..." and Complaining more than
twice about he contents of the other party's refrigerator (or
lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of
breakup each party reserves the right to make the other
feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: (a)
"You'll never find anybody better"; (b) "Nobody could ever
make you happy"; (c) "I'll find somebody who can really
appreciate me"; and (d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ."
(Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS: (a) Each party agrees to give the
other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said
relationship; (b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until
such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair (1) both parties agree to
be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books,
record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all
due haste through impartial intermediary; (2) each party
agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before
engaging in sex with any of the other's friends; (3) both
parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a
period of at least seven days (bedroom performance
included), and further consent to use one of the following
nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The
timing wasn't right"; "He/she wanted more than I could
give"; "He/She was too involved in his/her career"; "He/She
decided to go back with his/her (a) girl/boyfriend; (b) last
lover; (c) hometown; (d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter
what - with both parties in agreement, are allowed to give
the relationship "one more shot".
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I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when
they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a
last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt,
but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the
11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would
already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there
in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and
repoint bricks in the flue.
He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a
politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth,
faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish
she'd quit dressing like a guy!
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Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's
Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.
On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white Caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints
of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and
general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in
mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He
attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO!
HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight
reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed
this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and
ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I
believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome
related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial
Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.
Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his
working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic
face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco
for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have
forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5
years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He
has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits
nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his
immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical
diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high
sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories
derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec.
25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies).
Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any
relatives.
Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.
He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight,
gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites
consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these
wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks,
penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by
periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood
pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a
respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several
years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute
cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite
unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits
which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at
high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction,
emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed
higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation
during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has
experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological
examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or
L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of
toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls
to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which,
upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology
being the soot from chimneys.
Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to
be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in
his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He
exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5
years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he
experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his
existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses
profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for
the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he
reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he
employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his
hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to
body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels
annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he
exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if
not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which
gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over
the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice".
Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during
winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a
contributor to his depression.
Treatment and Counseling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counseled to
wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents
where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-cabin,
heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet
and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a
high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking
and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so
far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist
the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist
weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".
Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/
psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere
depend on effective management of these syndromes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After his company's annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke
up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the
bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board
of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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Conductor to orchestra at the beginning of a rehearsal:
Please get your pencils out...we have some marking to do on this
score:
The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written.
Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this remains to the end.
Now, in bar 7 we lower the pitch 1/2 step.
In bar 13, lower the pitch one whole step and this will remain to
the end.
Thank you. Now, let us begin.
Soprano soloist:
Excuse me, Maestro. What would you like for me to change?
Conductor:
Nothing, madam. Sing it just as you did yesterday.
(
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