--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain
asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked,
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 13 Afterschool Specials for the 90s
13> Michel's E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret
Service
12> Larry Learns About Leather
11> My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie, and I Want Some Discipline
10> It's a Mall World After All
9> RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager's Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up,
and Really Cool World of Smoking
8> I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
7> Look Before Crossdressing
6> The Littlest Testicle
5> Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl's Guide to Staying Skinny
4> If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don't Get Your Nipple Pierced
3> Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
2> Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!
and Top5's Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s...
1> Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami
By Yourself, Probably Isn't Really 10 Years Old Like You
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Redmond, WA (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that the official
release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be
delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this
building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck
opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich
one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a
burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna
and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would
have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,
"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at
me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson (aronson@sierratel.com)
...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one
of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a
computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility
before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will
invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take
weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some
lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:
ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you
see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it
respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to
destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you
could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try.
It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the
gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so
I can avenge my Paladin.
At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members
restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is.
Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been
worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEAVEN AND HELL
IN HEAVEN:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
IN HELL:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
IN COMPUTER HEAVEN:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
IN COMPUTER HELL:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Know Your Presidents
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he
joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear
attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a
finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched
out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children)
with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her
first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election
campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife
while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's
personal secretary?
9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat
closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the
hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover
about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in
Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS
record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing
off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?
********************
ANSWERS
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he
joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear
attack? John F. Kennedy
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a
finalist in the Miss America pageant? Bill Clinton
3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched
out atop a desk in the oval office? Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children)
with a slave who was his wife's half sister? Thomas Jefferson
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? Bill Clinton
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her
first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election
campaign? Andrew Jackson
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife
while he was engaged to someone else? George Washington
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's
personal secretary? Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat
closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the
hysterical first lady from attacking them? Warren G. Harding
10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover
about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in
Question 9)? John F. Kennedy
11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS
record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing
off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? Lyndon B. Johnson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready
for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says,
"I'll be ready in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take
his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and
hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't
be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?"
he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a
housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the
Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra
with the housekeeper..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~ A cheap and practical gift.. an inexpensive tool chest~~~
~~~~ of items to get anyone through the toughest emergency situation.~~~~
By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA
(Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time._
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans -
winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing
that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm.
Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the
Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part
of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the
nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat
butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock : Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on
the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with
which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's
maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can
transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working
model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a
wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used
cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver:
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,
lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed
screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.
This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can
only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If
you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop
teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's
not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
and flathead Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter: For a phone call if all else fails.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>How much to have this tooth pulled?
>>Ninety dollars.
>>Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?
>>Well, I can do it slower if you like.
>>Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?
>>Yes, it is.
>>I'd like to speak to Mr. Russell in room 27.
>>One moment and I'll connect you........I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not
>>answering.
>>Good. That means I must have really escaped.
>>A lawyer had just undergone surgery, and as he came out of the
>>anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
>>There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake
>>up and think the operation was a failure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Automated Payroll Processing
Date: January 1, 00
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time for the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3
weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One
additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either
take 9,400 days off work, or notify our office and your next pay
cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all
pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned
scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions
will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and
medicine.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it
published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other
results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around
to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES"... He was my
graduate student; his grade depended on this.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of other guys think so
too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were
obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't
understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it
either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work
and Ms. Schaeffer explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless
topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
THIS FIELD"... I quit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From the UK edition of 'PC Week' 31 march, 1998:
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of
America.
One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a software company"
exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have
been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the
association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to
appear insensitive over such an issue. Seasoned IT professionals will
have no trouble telling the two MS's apart. One is a debilitating and
surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely
able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Celtic countries, by the way, are the only places where you can
find peat. God did this because he knew that the Celts were the only
people who drink so much that they would try to burn mud."
------P.J. O'Rourke "Trips to Nowhere" from "Old Age and Guile Will
Beat Out Youth, Skill, and a Bad Haircut"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpted from a micro-interview with Franklin Graham, one of Billy
Graham's sons, in the July 12 *New York Times* magazine:
Q: You've walked on the wild side in your day. You were expelled from
college, partied too much. There's even a story that you once
chopped down a neighbor's tree with a machine gun. What's that feel like?
A: Oh, it's fun. But it's not the most economical way to do it. It
took 720 rounds and each round was about 20 cents apiece. You
could buy a good chain saw for that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly.
This story is a credit to all of humankind. Read it, soak it in,
and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves inside your heart.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Reyer School;
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and
live at the county home for the aged. All my people are
gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio,
but would never let me listen to it. The other day her
radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces all over the
floor. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to
mine, and I said "F@#k you."
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is a true story:
Sunday night, the missus leans over to me and says, "We never go out
with our friends anymore. Why is that?"
"I dunno, honey."
"Well let's go to a movie with them or something."
"Alright." I agree, not knowing the trip to hell I've begun.
Monday, an e-mail is sent to a few people: "Hey we're going to movie on
Saturday, you're welcome to come along."
Monday night, Friend A [Who will henceforth be called Alan] calls to
confirm what movie, what time, when it's playing, where it's playing,
what we'll be eating before and after and its overall running time.
Tuesday, we find out that Friend B [To be called Betty] told Friend C
[To be called Carla] that she was going out on Saturday, and thus Carla
is feeling left out because we didn't e-mail her because we thought she
was going to be out of town and thus she's crying and thinks the whole
world hates her because her boyfriend broke up with her.
Carla is called and invited.
Wednesday, Alan calls to confirm we're still going at so and so a time,
because he really wants to make sure. His ex-girlfriend might want to go
out to brunch with him eight to ten hours before the movie, and so he's
calling to tell us this.
Thursday night, Alan calls again to confirm the movie time, because he's
now not sure whether or not his ex wants to go to brunch with him,
because she might not want to, because he told her that he was going to
a movie with us eight hours afterward, and thus she's upset. Because of
this, he might not go.
Friday night, Alan calls to confirm what time we're leaving the
following evening, and hasn't spoken with his ex as to whether or not
he's going to brunch with her, so he's upset with her but he's not going
to say anything about it to her. The Missus recommends Alan gives us a
call Saturday to let us know if he'll be there. He asks what time we'll
be up, and she replies "Around 10, I guess."
Friday evening at about 10pm, Betty calls wondering what we're doing
tonight, because she's sitting at home alone and as wondering what to
do.
Saturday morning at precisely at 9:59am. Alan calls again to let us know
that he'll be at our house precisely forty minutes before the movie
begins that night, and asks what we're doing for the day.
Saturday at noon, Betty calls wondering what we're doing today, because
she's sitting at home alone and was wondering what to do.
Saturday evening, exactly forty-five minutes before the movie begins,
Alan arrives at our house. He is upset because his ex-girlfriend is upset
with her CURRENT boyfriend for having too many vowels in his name. Thus,
she takes it out on him, who takes it like the sap he is. When asked if
anything's wrong, he says, "No," although the fact he hasn't spoken for
twenty minutes, and balls up napkins into helpless balls of paper mush
isn't supposed to clue us in.
Saturday evening, about twenty minutes before the movie starts, Friend D
[to be called Doug] calls needing a ride. Doug lives across town.
Saturday evening, exactly ten minutes before the movie starts, everyone
arrives at the cinema. Carla is crying, because apparently a song on the
radio in Betty's car mentions the state of Florida which for some
inexplicable reason reminds her of a city in Florida, which rhymes with
her ex's last name, and thus, makes her feel like nobody loves her
because she broke up with him.
The movie begins. The movie ends. The easiest two hours of this
situation.
Now people want food. Or coffee. Or whatever. Here's the second part of
the game.
Carla can't eat in anywhere where there is smoke, which means
three-fourths of the world, including Los Angeles and Newcastle as a
general rule, are verboten.
Alan wants ice cream.
My girlfriend is highly allergic to food with either onions or garlic.
Carla wants to eat some place enormously expensive because they have
little French pastries that she likes, while they charge four dollars
for a diet coke about the size of a thimble. Kinda like a strip bar, but
with no naked chicks.
Alan repeats he wants ice cream.
Betty doesn't care, because she's not eating today. And she's depressed.
Doug wants to eat at Outback Steakhouse.
My girlfriend reminds Doug she's vegetarian.
He notes they have "blooming onions" at Outback Steakhouse, which in his
mind isn't a problem.
Alan reminds us all he wants ice cream.
When asked where they want to GO, nobody wants to make a decision.
My girlfriend finally decides on Restaurant #1, which immediately
closest to all of us in walking distance.
Alan doesn't like that place and informs us.
We request an alternative.
He has none.
Thus, we go to Restaurant #1.
Betty doesn't eat. Carla has tea. Doug has a burger that he doesn't like
the way they cooked it, because it's not done enough and he's a former
cook and knows what meat is supposed to taste like. Doug reminds us we
should've gone to Outback Steakhouse.
My girlfriend tries to find something on the menu she can eat, and ends
up ordering a nine dollar pasta dish that the waitress swears has no
garlic in its ingredients, although the cloves are visibly noticeable on
top.
Alan sits drinking water because he's in a huff, because he didn't want
to go here.
Carla gets upset because Alan is acting like an ass, and Betty starts
feeling guilty about inviting Carla in the first place. Doug doesn't
realize any of this is going on, and asks both Alan and Carla how their
ex's are doing.
And our friends wonder why we leave the ringer to our phone turned off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Children are like animals at the zoo. They are nice to visit, but you
shouldn't take one home."
-- Arlene L.
This is what I've always said about pregnancy/childbirth: "I saw
'Alien,' and I'm NOT doing THAT!"
-- Unknown
THANK YOU FOR NOT BREEDING
(bumper sticker)
"If I ever decide I want to hear the pitter patter of little
feet... I'll put shoes on my cats."
-- Magnetic Graffiti Co
How can you trust me with a baby if you can't trust me with a choice?
(bumper sticker)
"In America, there are two modes of travel: First Class and With Children"
-- Robert Benchley
"Children are a sexually transmitted disease."
-- Unknown
"I would get pregnant only if I could be sure I'd have puppies."
-- Cynthia Nelms
"Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs
than of their children."
-- William Penn
"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in
fact, barely presentable."
-- Fran Lebowitz, American journalist, _Metropolitan Life_, 1978
"The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted
children."
-- Paul Ehrlich, American scientist
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second
half by our children."
-- Clarence Darrow, American lawyer and reformer.
"Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect."
-- Nicholas Chamfort, French writer
"I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes
them away."
-- Nancy Mitford, British writer
"Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm yard, except that children are more troublesome and costly than
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock."
-- George Bernard Shaw, [Quasi-]British playwright
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants
chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he
has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great
rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it , and buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy
home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk,
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens
to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I need you to do
a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said
with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the
henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen in
there three or four times, and the farmer is just shocked. Randy
runs out of the henhouse and sees a flock of geese down by the lake,
Wham! He gets all the geese. Randy's now up in the pigpen, then he
does it with the cows. Randy jumps every animal the farmer
owns....Wham..Wham...Bang..Bang.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster
won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed, and
wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in
the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down -- now look what you've done to
yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky, and says, "Shhh, old
man.... they're getting closer....."
(
geocities.com/timessquare)