--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meeting house one
evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning
gingerly against the fireplace mantel. "Ferdinand, old boy," shouted
Sir Roger, "Back so soon from the Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell
us all about it."
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy. But,
yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to
old Tibet, the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the Red
Chinese."
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," asked Sir
Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the
trail of the Abominable Snowman?"
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," replied Ferdinand, "But,
no, I was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist temple. My
friend Lama Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused temple by the
Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum
to further extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham
felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and
architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent the further
loss of their traditions.
"But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being
physically attacked!"
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, prying loose rubies
as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments in enormous
idols?"
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghoot explained. "He
could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural
defenders of the faith. Dakinis."
"Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief.
"Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes,
skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical weapon
that produces very real physical damage."
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir
Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down
and elaborate."
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down for quite a
while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water,
and a nasty three-sided dagger called a 'purba' that can pierce
ghostly flesh."
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge,
lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an
ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and
she vanished.
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled
an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I stabbed her
with the 'purba,' and she vanished.
"Next, a hugely obese Dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of
every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but he
ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she
vanished."
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There
were dozens of Dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished every one of
them, although one of diminutive size (no bigger than my thumb) and
saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an
embarrassing part of my anatomy."
Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
Feghoot nodded. . . . "She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow,
poke-a-butt Dakini."
By Adam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street
between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked
out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't
need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back
inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran
to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the
tailpipe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One
evening, while still deep in the bush, the Mrs awoke to find her
mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying
to find her her mother in the jungle.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and they
started to search for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they
came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a
thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "That lion got himself into this
mess, let him get himself out of it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader
14> Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the
other side of the planet.
13> Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin
teacher's house.
12> The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces
of his mortal enemies.
11> Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in
his room and putting his hand in warm water.
10> Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
9> For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones
impression.
8> Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no
prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
7> The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
6> Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after
only one bean burrito.
5> Won the high school talent show every year by making the
vice principal writhe in pain.
4> Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
3> The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe
that through the constant application of love and
understanding *they* can change him.
2> "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to
buy beer."
and Topfive.com's Number 1
Special Power of the Young Darth Vader...
1> Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending
doom = Goth babe magnet!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]
List-Subscribe:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KIEV (Reuters) - A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each
member of his staff as a New Year gift was so alarmed when all 50 of
them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post,
a newspaper said Thursday.
The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the
accident happened, the Fakty daily reported. "With no more than 100
meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly
burst out screeching. The businessman's fright was such that he
simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp
post."
After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned
his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read:
"Congratulations on a successful purchase!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators. Consider:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says,
"Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the
work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
"I'm a Romantic."
( "I'm poor.")
"I want a commitment."
( "I'm sick of masturbation." )
"I'll give you a call."
("I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.")
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
( "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." )
"I really want to get to know you better."
( "So I can tell my friends about it." )
"Haven't I seen you before?"
("Nice ass." )
"She's kinda cute."
( "I want to have sex with her 'til I'm blue." )
"I don't know if I like her"
( "She won't sleep with me." )
"I miss you so much"
( "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.")
"Was it good for you?"
( "I'm insecure about my manhood." )
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
( "Is my penis really that small?" )
"I had a wonderful time last night."
( "Who the hell are you?" )
"Do you love me?"
( "I've done something stupid and you might find out." )
"How much do you love me?"
( "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to
tell you right now." )
"I have something to tell you."
( "Get tested." )
"I've been thinking a lot."
( "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." )
"I've learned a lot from you."
( "Next!!!!" )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you have been working too long in the 90's when:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your
bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do" list that includes entries for lunch and
bathroom breaks, and they are the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick-up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital
gains.
16. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question "to valet-park or not" is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of
the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to
work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a
living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town in the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know
your next-door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday
night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put
his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You get most of your jokes in e-mail instead of in person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign
directly above the sink. It had a single word on it --
"THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and
right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had
carefully lettered another sign which read --
"THOAP!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is by an actual twelve-year-old of my acquaintance...
"It's all a sham, mom. The whole world is fake. Nothing really
matters... .Does my hair look okay?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Subject: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
>> FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
>> ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
>> FAULT: Improper bladder control.
>> ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
>> FAULT: Glass empty.
>> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
>> FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
>> ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
>> FAULT: You have fallen forward.
>> ACTION: See above.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
>> FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
>> ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
>> FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
>> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
>> FAULT: You are being carried out.
>> ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
>> FAULT: Bar has closed.
>> ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
>> FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
>> ACTION: Cover mouth.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
>> FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
>> ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
>> FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
>> ACTION: Punch him.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
>> FAULT: You have been in a fight.
>> ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're
>in.
>> FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
>> ACTION: See if they have free beer.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
>> FAULT: The beer is too weak.
>> ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
>>
>> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
>> FAULT: Beer is just right.
>> ACTION: Play air guitar.
>>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intel has recently run a commercial featuring Homer
Simpson. He has his brain replaced with a Pentium
chip; he is then able to design an advanced "super
donut".
Apple just web-posted a video in which the HAL 9000
(from 2001: A Space Odyssey) extols the the Mac's
Y2K readiness.
So it seems the choice is now: a PC with the brain
of Homer Simpson, or a Mac recommended by an insane
computer.
Now, where *did* I put that abacus...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Test Your Southern knowledge
This test really can't be cheated on... either you know it or you
don't. One Yankee in my office only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas the
natives typically score around 20+. If you are over 50, you should be
living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.
1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9) What is a chigger?
10) What is scrapple?
11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_________.
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17) What are grits made out of?
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand
Ol' Opry"?
23) Where would you find Vidalia County?
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28) What is a scuppernong?
29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31) What color is a John Deere?
32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek...
Answers:
1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live
high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally
sterile.
33) Tobacco
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pluperfect Virus
By Bob Hirschfeld
Special to The Washington Post
Sunday, May 2, 1999; Page B1
A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is
far more insidious than last week's Chernobyl menace. Named
Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it
returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors.
It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious
spell checkers that come with word processing programs.
The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing
words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace.
The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has
rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular
e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent
clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas,
but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across
the room."
A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail
kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use
a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of
e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever
created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."
A broker at Begg, Barow and Steele said he couldn't return to the
"bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He
speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a
"disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a trading
floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's
anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning,
then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.'
"
If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to
a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A
study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail
increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took
less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that
they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so
many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)
Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't
come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it
before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of
an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message
asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise
effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the
grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from
Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.
The virus also has left government e-mail systems in
disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no
longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because
their highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's
dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House
speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message,
along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is ... " and
"in fact ...."
Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer
who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.
The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an
entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its
computer system for several hours when it discovered that
Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software,
delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they
wrestled with proper sentence structure.
There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is
a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are
using to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on
computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of
computer code we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what
kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this
burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking
via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments
could leave him tied up for hours.
Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in
orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To anyone that has ever worked a help desk.... A woman called the
Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her
if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No,
my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."
**********************************************
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
******************************************************
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
*******************************************************
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.
*******************************************************
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
********************************************************
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
******************************************************
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."
*******************************************************
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
******************************************************
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons-I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to ..
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
Customer: [click]
*********************************************
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't
work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
************************************************
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine
months to download."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning
Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds-
Your foot just squashed one
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One has
Been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
(
geocities.com/timessquare)