--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~ If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
too slowly.
~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
~ Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in
hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
~ A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
~ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
*But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper
problem.
~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the
chocolate to protect themselves.
~ Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced
diet.
~ Two phrases: ...Money talks.... Chocolate sings.
~ The preservatives in Chocolate make you look younger.
~ Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: A Genie joke
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Date: 1999/02/03
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
One day an old Jewish pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb
burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours
at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there),
so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil
lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.
He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen
better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in
cloud of smoke.
"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the
Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march
back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
"Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his
mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't
want the place and march back home."
"Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?"
"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his --"
"Okokok. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to
Poland and turning around again?"
The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're
dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days ? What?"
"Nine..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Bible verses
From: rickcl@pogo.wv.tek.com (Rick Clements)
Date: 1999/03/05
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
From our church bulletin.
A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several
times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the
television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations
3:20" on it and stuck it in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says,
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will
come in.)
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was
naked, so I hid myself.")
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather
than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if
my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes
for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is
this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at
night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, a-hole?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half- empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Report from Week 312, in which readers were asked to combine the works
of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by
Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful
and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson,
Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.
(Robin Parry, Arlington, TX)
And the Winner: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"
-An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even
notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions: "2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks
after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable
clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and
family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the
Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or
is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams"
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses
unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the
tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and
czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace
isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep
school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not
insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly
detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that
he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Uphill, both ways. Oh really?
From: egon@tradeservices.com (Cole Tuininga)
Date: 1999/03/08
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Dear Mr. Cameron:
As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently
wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received
from her.
Dear Ms. Cameron.
Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your
father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to
find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a
few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a
moment.
In answer to your first question: In every picture extant of your
father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth
shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow
generally lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school
year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he
"struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit
exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact,
revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but
that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door
delivery.
I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed,"
as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to
uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans
with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal
rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a
message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past
his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind -
perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.
As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember
the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of
your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal
Citizenship", "Ecology", and one which apparently was called
"Relevance". We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in
these classes. What records we do have show that your father did
indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his
sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course
again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.
Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems
of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the
claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely
wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always
handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins' mind
as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including
having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China
Syndrome.
Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council.
Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called
"The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat
in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive
girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the
club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently
serving time in a federal penitentiary.
One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed,
carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we
have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at
a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it
if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to
engage lawyers.
The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door,
it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as
to whether his name is upon it.
Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be
sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: You could say that....
From: wb8foz@nrk.com (David Lesher)
Date: 1999/02/09
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
NYC Police Commissioner Howard Safir on the weekends 911 crash:
"they were testing the emergency generators and were working on the
UPS system [sic] at the same time"
(inaudible question)
"in retrospect, that was probably not a good idea."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For you cat people out there...and here you thought your cat loves you!
Hahaha!
Perspective is everything.
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try
this on their bed.
DAY 762
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,
incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear
into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm must try this with their baby...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ax me about Ebonics
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CATS: The other white meat
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal
Friends
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically
challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car
window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits
he is lost.
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh!
Donuts!
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them
with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
I'm an imbecile and I vote
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
Keep honking, driver reloading
CAUTION: I drive just like you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AIR WARGAMES SIM (or, "some things are too silly *not* to pass on")
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defense Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land
Operations/Simulation division.
So, the Aussies have been working on some really nifty virtual reality
simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed
Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point
of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex-
(or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like
trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included
kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and
reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might
well give away a helicopter's position).
Being good little programmers, they just stole some code (which was
originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same
stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The
first time they demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the
hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual
kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter.
The visiting Americans nod appreciatively -- then gape as the
kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather
embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding
-- and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess
with the Aussie wildlife.
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided
kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the
first place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the March 9, 1999, NY Times' Science section, from an interview
with U.S. Representative George E. Brown of California, who has served
over 30 years on the House Committee on Science:
Q: How skilled are scientists and researchers at presenting their case
to Congress?
A: Very unskilled. They, generally speaking, have too great a faith
in the power of common sense and reason.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four men in her
car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use
it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out
and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was
identical and parked four or five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale
white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white
woman......
No charges were filed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to
Town"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family
Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start
and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean
Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS LIKELY TO BE OVERHEARD IF YOU HIRE A KLINGON PROGRAMMER
"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium III processors
if I am to do battle with this code!"
"You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon."
"Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!"
"This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases.' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak."
"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again."
"Perhaps it IS a good day to die; I say we ship it!"
"A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
"By filing this bug report, you have challenged the honor of my
family. Prepare to die!"
"You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!"
"Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship
it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN (Horoscope for Southerners)
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid
of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great
while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some
twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too
obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or
scorpions, not many archers and no darn water bearers. Virgins? The
neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is
some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night
sky.
SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE!
OKRA: Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look
back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN: Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin,
however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has
plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be
very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and
this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL: Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right
mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE: Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not
going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics.
Maybe not.
POSSUM: Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about -
it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually
think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically
healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't
work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWDAD: May 22 - Jun 21
Crawdad is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawdads prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living
room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but
you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS: Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences
of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just
won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH: Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one
exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You
catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy
bottoms to the clear surface of life. Catfish and Moon Pies go
very well together.
GRITS: Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to
travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or
bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have
all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS: Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved
ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and
their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are
really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and
marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a
charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people
will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN: Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well
with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've
grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the
setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO: Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a
fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're really almost
prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably
want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat
kinky, mating possibility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right
away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "at the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How bout' if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Why paper airplanes fly
From: cef@geodesic.com (Charles Fiterman)
Date: 1999/04/04
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
>> I know that the real planes fly because of its curved wings.
>> However, paper airplanes don't have such curved wings.
>> How can it fly? Where does the lifting force come from?
| Well, speaking as someone who sprained his back lifting shuttle
| documentation -- everybody knows an airplane flies when the weight
| of its documentation equals or exceeds the weight of the airplane.
| Therefore a paper airplane flies because it's self-documenting.
The Galileo probe, however, was the first spacecraft to be outweighed
by its own *environmental impact report*, according to the people I
talked to at JPL this winter. (The EIR was ~ 1 million pages; it made
me wonder if they'd chopped down enough trees to require a meta-EIR.)
(
geocities.com/timessquare)