--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the
Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its
Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as
hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were
met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I always though there might be bias in the view that Dolphins are
great because of those saved by being pushed towards shore by them.
After all, we probably wouldn't hear from those pushed away from
shore, would we?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You might be a South Dakotan if...
Your state pays a bounty for killing the university mascot.
You consider a six inch snowfall a blessing because it provides
instant urban renewal.
You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.
You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it ain't worth
taking them off for only two months.
You believe that rushing out on the lakes with your pick-up in
November is nature's way of upgrading the state's gene pool.
You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January
without a thought about weather conditions.
You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each
year because Brookings is the coldest spot in the nation.
You think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys.
All your kids at school are above average.
All your women are strong.
You don't understand why everyone thinks Garrison Keillor is so funny.
You KNOW there is no such place as Lake Wobegone, but you have drunk
St. Wendell's beer.
You like to come in out of the sun when the temperature gets above 72.
You instinctively walk like a penguin for three months out of the year.
Someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.
Your Dad's sun tan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead.
You have ever apologized to a telemarketer.
You believe that REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor
under your seat.
You have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank
at the end of a hard day's sawing.
You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.
You like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics.
You consider snow banks to be "just another rough" on the golf course.
You have no "spring" sports season.
You have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
Your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right
away.
Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
You go to a high school basketball game, the score is 12-8 at
halftime, and you don't think there's anything strange about that.
You have ever had an entire telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number.
You know how to say Sinai and Pierre.
You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.
You support the preservation of forests, farmland and wetlands because
that's where you hunt deer, pheasants and geese.
You think it's best to eat Jell-O after it's molded.
You consider Lime Jell-O a highly versatile food: a breakfast dish
when it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and
dab of mayonnaise, and a dessert when topped with dreamwhip.
You never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you missed some of
the dialogue.
Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival."
You always believed that vacation meant "going up north."
Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.
Your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable or ethnic
food.
The temperature in March is above freezing for three days in a row,
and you think it's summer.
You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard
shutting down the entire east coast.
You understand, and can explain, illegal defense, the infield fly
rule, and icing.
The first time you saw "Grumpy Old Men" you thought it was a
documentary.
You think that "UFF DA" is a standard English phrase.
Your favorite sport when it's cold outside is played where it's cold
inside.
You can recite, from memory, more than a half dozen "Ole and Lena"
jokes.
You know people named Ole and Lena.
You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan or Nebraskan.
You believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface and speed go together
in a sport and on the Interstate.
You hear that the stock market is up and you think the price of hogs
has gained 50 cents per hundred weight.
You think of SPAM as a quality, all-purpose meat product whether
served with eggs for breakfast, in a sandwich at noontime, or in a
hot-dish for supper.
Everytime you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and
sing, gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters . . . Hamm's, the
beer refreshing. Hamm's, the beer refreshing."
You remember the thrill of going to the top of the SDSU Campanile.
Your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job, and your car
breaks down, all on the same day, and the first thought that comes to
your mind is, "It could be worse".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Another preacher and the cowboy story
Date: 1999/04/22
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those
who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!" Everybody
enthusiastically raised their hands.... everybody except a grizzled
old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of
the room.
All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and
said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How d'ya know if these folks are
serious? I c'n gar-an-tee to prove who really means it an' who
don't!"
Bemused and not a little frightened the preacher said, "Ok,
stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the
test. Ask them anything you want."
At that the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the
audience and said, "Alright... who wants to go heaven... raise your
hands!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Baaaston
From: rhfr-badmail@netfunny.com
Date: 1999/04/27
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge
school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard
submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in
America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge
leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a
structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that
they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Catholic joke [non-offensive]
From: deafen@imap2.asu.edu (Harry Haygood)
Date: 1999/04/28
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and
states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible
news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first,
so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The
time of judgment is at hand, and our faith in his existence is
justified."
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks
up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was
calling from Salt Lake City."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Real Cowboys
From: enge0213@tc.umn.edu (Aaron Engelhart)
Date: 1999/05/01
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest,
leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do
you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot
sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep
on the range, so it protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets
where I can keep my valuables."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite
and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear
sneakers?"
"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rich southern woman living near an army base in the deep south
wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she
decided to invite five officers to a party to meet the local unmarried
girls.
She called the base and asks to speak to the general in
charge. Excitedly she got right to the point, about inviting five
officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds "Don't send
any Jews!"
After a pause, the General answered "OK....if you say so."
The next weekend, with the party getting ready to begin, there was a
knock on the woman's door. When she opened the door she found five
young, sharply dressed, BLACK Army officers. "There must be some
mistake," she mumbled.
"No ma'am," answered one of the officers. "General Cohen never makes
mistakes!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Office slogans:
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.
They did it by killing everybody that opposed them.
Doing a job right the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job wrong repeatedly gives you job security.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Teamwork... means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Go the extra mile.
It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Indecision is the key to Flexibility.
***************************
Key work phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't
you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a
fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence
15> 180 degrees shy of heaven
14> Performing with Flacido Domingo
13> A few parts shy of an erector set
12> Sch-wing and a miss
11> Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
10> The Null Monte
9> Disappointing Miss Daisy
8> Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
7> Ascension Deficit Disorder
6> Bouncing the Check of Love
5> Less-than-Magic Johnson
4> All Doled up with nowhere to go
3> Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
2> Serving boneless pork
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Impotence...
1> Unleavened Man-Bread
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]
(
geocities.com/timessquare)