31/Dec/97 - Maxims
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.
6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have
little or no influence on society.
9. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you
can't find them.
10. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that
hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
11. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
12. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
14. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
before.
17. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
18. Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
20. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind
to blame.
21. One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig
enjoys
it.
25. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you
realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
26. Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
27. We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the
tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
28. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior
citizens?
29. Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
30. The best antiques are old friends.
31. Down with gravity!
32. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...!
33. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
34. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
35. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the
airport.
36. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really
doesn't matter.
37. A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
38. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
39. An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
40. If you can't be kind, be vague.
6/Jan/98 - How Wrong Can a Guy Be
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she
says. "Your face looks familiar."
7/Jan/98 - Medical Condition
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the
importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in
the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass
student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the
teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write
with your other hand."
8/Jan/98 - Slogans that Never Caught On
To forward or repost, please include the following:
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
April 4, 1997
The Top 15 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
15> Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
14> Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
13> Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
12> MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
11> Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That
Would be Stupid."
10> Iguana: "The other green meat."
9> Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It
Ain't Got That Swing!"
8> Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
7> Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty
years."
6> Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"
5> Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"
4> Trojans: "Just add meat."
3> Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
2> Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
and the Number 1 Slogan That Never Quite Caught On...
1> Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead
and kill yourself instead?"
10/Jan/98 - Traveling With Kids
"Traveling With Kids"
By Vince Sabio
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
( geocities.com/timessquare)