------------------------------------------------------------
Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the
bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.
We're just misunderstood.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women
take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack
this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we
can.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
------------------------------------------------------
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
world nowadays.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when
we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you
as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...
Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses
for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
------------------------------------------------------
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful
hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were
all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that
almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite
well.
------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
------------------------------------------------------
Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
things.
------------------------------------------------------
Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
------------------------------------------------------
What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat
is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat
is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The
closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides,
it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we
pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You
should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim
to please.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun
and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the
world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being
a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones
they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control
is to arm wrestle for it.
------------------------------------------------------
Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do
men fear commitment?)
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means
and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good
you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer,
faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected
to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test
drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car,
there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply
makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I
mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun
extras like dual air bags.
------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship
right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so
that we want to see you repeatedly.
------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.
------------------------------------------------------
Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our
most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and
environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor
coordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See
also: Do all men really masturbate?)
------------------------------------------------------
Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed
with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are
so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people
are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about
equal treatment for the stupid people either.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're
easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very
little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may
only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of
other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry
quite often.
------------------------------------------------------
How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever
do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you
are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose
a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I
think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in
the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent
weakness.
------------------------------------------------------
Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and
obedient...
------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 15 Signs You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr
15> Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an
ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.
14> Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with
"Testing... 1, 2, 3."
13> You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the
blue, somebody gives you a typing test.
12> You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops!
That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)
11> Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and
added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.
10> Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors
implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."
9> You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since
you had that little bladder problem.
8> All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes "Ace
Ventura-Gate."
7> The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture nude
from the waist down.
6> Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi
dictator.
5> You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of your
unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime story, but
you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.
4> You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5 Signs
I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."
3> Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French
Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.
2> For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house,
instead of vice versa.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr...
1> Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy Microphones"?
===================================
Special prosecutor Kenneth Starr came up out of the sewer yesterday
and saw his shadow.
Does this means there will be six more weeks of subpoenas?
------------------------------------------------------------
You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead shield
That's not smoke, that's steam
Of course it's sterile
We should have enough gas to make it to higher ground
The IRS expects you to cheat. Everybody does it !
It's so tame, you can put your head in its mouth
Relax, I can get ya outta this easy. No sweat !
It was fresh just last week
These are the safe kind of mushrooms
It should be OK to swim in
He's been a perfectly safe driver, ever since the accident
My wife's not at all jealous. We have an "open" marriage
Clip the red wire first
These Jury trials never last more than a day or so
It's unplugged, go ahead and remove the cover
It's OK to format this disk
They don't bother tourists, their economy depends on us
It's supposed to make that noise
That law's been on the book for years; they don't even enforce it
It doesn't look like the bridge is out
Besides, they only attack when they're hungry
The boss won't mind; anyway, he'll never know
It shouldn't take long to reach the Airport from here
I'm sure I turned my lights off
I bet I can fit in there
The law requires regular safety inspections, don't worry
Hey! Relax! I've done this hundreds of times
That's only a puddle, go ahead, keep driving
He's bluffing ! That's a toy gun
Don't worry, I'm always bringing people home for dinner
Let me assure you, this operation is routine
Those warning labels are only to avoid lawsuits
I've seen it done on TV HUNDREDS of times
------------------------------------------------------------
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to
get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they
persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because, Goddammit, I didn't!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two
ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and
rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through
(which is proper golf etiquette).
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll
walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked
out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around,
and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my
wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to
them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just
as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He
smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
------------------------------------------------------------
NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale
---------------------------
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil
people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of
every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build
Me an Ark," said the Lord.
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an
Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that
Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed
into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were
big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.
Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just
when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed Flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
And the tax authorities have seized all my assets claiming
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just
got a notice from the state about owing some
kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going
to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its
advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth,
but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented
himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
"Government."
------------------------------------------------------------
REFLECTIONS OF A KISS
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of
the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the
bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave
lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He
gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them
he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They
gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian
waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the
ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was
and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle
out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet,
moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Pointers For Airline Travel
(or, "How To Be Less Of An Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot
While Traveling")
1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into
the overhead compartment.
2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder
control, then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for
you.
3. Stewardesses do not have ESP; learn the proper use of
the CALL button.
4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your
newspaper right into my field of view unless you're willing to
let me finish reading that column.
5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist
on typing disparaging comments about you.
6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and
heavily sedated; (2) checked baggage.
7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless
you're in First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like
everyone else.
8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine;
we all know you got there on an upgrade.
9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to
operate a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to
vibrate the occupant's fillings loose when you open the table,
nor is it necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing
the table.
10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point
it.
11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or
country, but here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at
least once within the week prior to air travel. This helps to
prevent accidental deployment of the oxygen bags during flight.
12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at
least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle,
okay?
13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not
the seat directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat
beneath you. If you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room
for yourself by sliding your briefcase into the space where my
feet were resting, then expect to retrieve said briefcase with a
NEW lock combination.(*) And yes, it will be locked, so
be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting flight
on *you*, and not in your briefcase.
14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your
stomach, or on your person, you should leave with the same
amount of stuff you started with.
------------------------------------------------------------
25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or
some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand
graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based
command shells that can correctly understand and execute
commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any
keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus
by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures
in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke
billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever
the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output
on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The
*really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix
printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots
just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a
bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an
explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without
saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the
world before intermission and guess the secret password in
two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will
be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies,
modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the
file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways
to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically
asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable
by any system you put it into. All application software is
usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.
However, everyone must have been highly trained, because
the buttons aren't labeled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a
CRAY- MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow
down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it.
You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. For
example:
"What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's
check. It's the murder weapon!". "Let's look under the bed for
the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954,
very rare). Let's check the closet shelves..."
------------------------------------------------------------
A noted criminal lawyer was making the closing argument for his
client who accused of murder, although the body of the victim had
never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's
clock and, pointing to it announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of
this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through
the door of this courtroom." A heavy silence suddenly fell over the
courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry, but nothing
happened.
The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching
the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom is clear
proof that you have far more than a reasonable doubt as to whether a
murder was committed." Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the
cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.
The jury was instructed, filed out, and returned within ten minutes
with a guilty verdict.
When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer
chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You
were all watching the door!"
"Well, the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door, but
one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the
door."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman & founder of Digital Equipment Co,
1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The telephone will be used to inform people that a telegram has been
sent."
- Alexander Graham Bell.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Can't dance. Can't act. Can sing a little."
- Notes from Fred Astaire's screen test.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for
3M "Post-It" Pads
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come to work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'"
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari
and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools."
- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You
just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to
drill for oil in 1859.
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure
de Guerre.
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances."
- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of
television.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung
cancer, it seems to be a minor one."
- Dr. W.C. Heuper of the National Cancer Institute, as quoted in
the New York Times on April 14, 1954.
"For the majority of People, smoking has a beneficial effect."
- Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in "Newsweek",
Nov. 8th 1963.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
------------------------------------------------------------
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day,
and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red
wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her
blouse open,grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all
over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am
Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam
up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me
lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and
pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine:
Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone. Is
this true, or even partially true?
A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals
in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat.
So, to fulfill all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need
to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of
Guinness.
NIGEL GOODWIN
University of Nottingham
------------------------------------------------------------
wo nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses through the windscreen.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Mary. "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he
clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she
shouts.
"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in
the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
hisses again.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a story about a guy who got a credit card bill stating that he
owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
Next month he got another, did the same thing.
The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going
to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called
them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd
take care of it.
The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He
called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it.
The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very
delinquent.
The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he
didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he
had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.
He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit
card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now
paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "well, your
$0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now
can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because
that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
------------------------------------------------------------
If AOL Were a City...
- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were H0T 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.
- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4
modems for only $399.99
- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.
- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.BS-R-US.com
- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.
- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of
those brutal toe stubs.
- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".
- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his
worthless company somewhere else.
- Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and this
business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called
your cell phone saying "Wanna do it"
- Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."
- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"
- even your three year old son would know the intimate personal details
of the town security expert.
- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.
- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.
- Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the
crap out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, bonehead.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"
- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms.
- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate
before sun-up.
- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.
- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently
playing there. Note:Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so
that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes
of perverts are allowed in.
- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city,
but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then
replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".
- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g
- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.
(
geocities.com/timessquare)