------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake
of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for
granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers,
Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on
different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks,
but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of
the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort
of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid
the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was
very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The
next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the
New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe
it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras
(unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked.
"Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions
and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get
excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of
Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to
be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the
space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon
and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that
everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody
so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
------------------------------------------------------------
THE POWERBOOK THAT LEAKED (A True Story)
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook
165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom
provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our
service center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired, but no, nothing
of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this
with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that
totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their
computer) I went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address
error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear
to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear
any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor
which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the
computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from its
compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked
in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what
a puddle of soapy water would look like -- oily and colorful). I also
noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment
onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored. My
first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into
the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell
(which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the
one part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I
ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run out and
coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It
was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow' effect had been
caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery
liquid'. I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of
the PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk
looked like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have
about three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own
opinions on what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to
take a sniff and offer an opinion.
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed
surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?" As it turned
out, he didn't have a cat, but he did have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit
who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes,
there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the
keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty
form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine
anywhere.
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company. In
the end, the PowerBook was biffed, and the customer upgraded to a 180c.
I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a
healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers." I checked in with the
customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked
if he'd managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his
rabbit?
"Delicious," he said.
------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you have a Klingon on your
software development team:
10) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor.
Prepare to die!"
7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?!
I should kill you where you stand!"
6) "Our competitors are without honor!"
5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual
Pentium II processors if I am to do battle with
this code!"
3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!"
2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest
Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
------------------------------------------------------------
DAYTON, Ohio - The operation manager of Municipal
Court found that the best way to get people to pay up
is to call their mother or another family member. The
approach worked half of the time. ''Moms always look
out for their kids,'' John Gilson said. By contrast,
a pleasant call to the offender worked roughly 35% of
the time. And a threatening call worked only about
10% of the time. ''Intimidation wasn't that
helpful,'' said Steven Blatt, a University of Dayton
communications professor who has worked with Gilson
on collecting fines. ''I'd seen all the cop movies
and TV shows. I was very surprised.''
------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT JUDGES SAY TO LAWYERS AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN
"This is a fairly obscure area of law.":
"I have no clue what you're talking about."
"I think the court understands the gist of your argument.":
"Shut up and sit down before you screw up the few good points you're
trying to make here."
"I'll be taking this matter under advisement.":
"I'm going to work some poor law clerk like a galley slave to research
everything there is to find about this, and then decide it by a coin flip."
"Counsel, isn't the real question here whether your insurance client has a
duty to extend coverage?":
"Since you're working by the hour for some rapacious insurance company, even
if I hand you your head on a platter everybody still gets paid."
"Counsel, let me see if I can't rephrase your argument to make it a little
clearer.":
"Since it's obvious that you couldn't find your butt with both hands, let
alone explain what you're trying to say, I'm going to take pity on your
poor client, help him out here and hope he has the good sense to choose
somebody else next time he needs legal help."
"I've read all the briefs. Unless you have something new to add, I think
I've got a pretty good handle on the issues.":
"I've got a tee time in 30 minutes, and if you force me to stay here and
listen to you drone on, I'm going to make you pay for it."
"I think now might be a good time to take a short break.":
"I'm trying desperately to keep from falling asleep, pitching forward
into the file folder and having to get staples removed from my forehead."
"Counsel, I think you've adequately covered that issue.":
"You've beat that dead horse into oblivion."
"I just want to make sure that your client understands the rights he's
waiving here.":
"I want to make sure that if some bleeding heart on the appeals court
decides to let this scumbag out of prison, I don't get blamed for it."
"I believe this is a question better determined by the jury.":
"Let's see if you can get 12 people to buy this load of crap."
"Counsel, could you address the jurisdiction issue first?":
"Please show me how I can unload this turkey on some other judge."
"Although there is authority on both sides of the issue, the better-reasoned
line of cases seems to say. . .":
"I disagree with the leading 42 cases on this point, but my clerk was able
to find a 1946 Puerto Rico case that can be twisted into what I think
the law ought to be."
"This reminds me of an amusing story from when I was in private practice.":
"I'm going to bore you to tears with an old joke from the early '50's, and
you're going to feign amusement because the fate of your case hangs in
the balance."
"Counsel, one more outburst like that and I'm going to hold you in contempt!":
"Nothing would amuse me more than to leave you in a cold cell all weekend
with a large guy named Bubba who knows all the words to "Getting To Know You."
"I haven't made up my mind one way or the other on this issue.":
"You're gonna lose big time."
------------------------------------------------------------
"Et tu Canada?" Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists Jan./Feb. 1996.
In the struggle to ensure that the $73.5 billion F-22 fighter aircraft
program received funding in the fiscal 1996, government defense
contractor Lockheed Martin produced an expensive brochure arguing that the
F-22 was needed to contain threats from potential enemies-such as Canada,
Sweden, and Australia. According to the Fall 1995 issue of Common Cause,
there "could be a confrontation in Canada about some border dispute,"
Lockheed Martin spokesman Jeff Rhodes is quoted as saying, presumably with
a straight face.
------------------------------------------------------------
After last weekend's conference of the American Librarians Association,
the Children's Books committee has prepared this list of books NOT on
their recommended list:
40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
Alice in WonderBraLand
Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano
Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
Bob the Germ's Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive
System
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to
Sleep
Controlling The Playground: Respect through Fear
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
David Duke's World of Imagination
Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'
Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with the Change from your Mom's
Purse
Furious George Delivers the Mail
Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the
Endings
Legends of Scab Football
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without their Clothes On
Maybe Dick
Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge
Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
The Big Little Book of Necrophilia
The Boy Who Ate Spinach...And Lived To Tell About It
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
The Crack House at Pooh Corner
The Dummy's Guide to Crying
The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and The Vice Squad
The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
The Legend of Three-Card Monte
The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
The Tickling Babysitter
The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Those Great Childhood Fragrances...Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle
Seats
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your
Nose
When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
Where the Wildings Are
Where's Waldo's Weewee?
**EXTRA** The committee has also found these Dr. Seuss books, written
after he "lost it", and put them on the NOT recommended list:
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
4. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
6. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
7. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
8. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
9. Aunts in My Pants
10. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
------------------------------------------------------------
TITANIC - the 5 minute version
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET:
Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE:
Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an
artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE:
Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of
course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat
sank.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO:
Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many
Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE:
Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO:
I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming
back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt
will be soaking wet.
KATE:
While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested
until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE:
Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved
my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be
physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure
the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is
entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person
into the water.
AUDIENCE:
Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a
few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and
so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is
Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is
handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on
his side. Boo!)
* * *
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO:
I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE:
So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I
cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the
windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie
will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of
this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my
fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE:
Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO:
I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you will have to take off all your clothes.
KATE:
But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at
all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might
not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO:
I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater
in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR:
According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
KATE:
All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
* * *
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE:
Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN:
Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG:
(hits boat)
FIRST MATE:
That can't be good.
CAPTAIN:
Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE:
(silence)
FIRST MATE:
That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE:
Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
* * *
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO:
I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE:
That is terrible.
LEONARDO:
Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE:
Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE:
Excuse me, I-
AUDIENCE:
Boo! Boo!
WEASELLY FIANCE:
(aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you
personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in
a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact
that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.
LEONARDO:
Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE:
Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from
me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE:
Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO:
He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE:
Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE:
I hate you people.
* * *
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD KATE:
And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me
float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having
to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not
frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a
bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids
today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - -- hey! Don't you walk
away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had
one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
------------------------------------------------------------
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day,and, sure enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry.
She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to shoot him, but she's suddenly
overcome with grief. She puts the gun up to the the side her head.
Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it."
She replies "Shut up, you're next."
------------------------------------------------------------
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town,
when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi
driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
------------------------------------------------------------
Redneck Etiquette
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
* Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit
in.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
* Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy
when using this method.
Redneck Dining Out
* Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good
his manners are.
* If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall
two years ago.
* If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette
* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
* When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
* A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.
* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
* Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered poor manners to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
* The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
* Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
------------------------------------------------------------
When Ma & Pa first arrived on the homestead, Pa installed a bell on
the front porch and told Ma, "If trouble comes while I'm out in the
field a plowin', then you just ring that bell and I'll come a
running."
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he
arrives Ma says "Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin the
chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the molassas
without lickin the blade clean first."
Pa says "You mean I just run all the way in from the fields for this
next time it had better be important."
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When he
arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broken clothes line.
"Pa"; she says "some jackass came ridin through here on a mule and ran
right through the clothes line and rurnt the washin." At first Pa was
trying to figure out what was ridin what but then he yells "I told you
not to ring that bell unless something bad was goin on. If this
happens again I'm goin to whap you with a board."
The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbing up a board heads for
home. When he arrives, Ma is clinging to the porch rail with a spear
in her back, the house behind her is in flames and the chickens are
laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.
Pa looks at Ma and says "Now thats more like it."
------------------------------------------------------------
Where do you want to go today?
Straight to hell, apparently.
The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral
music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through
the Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer.
The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to
go today?" and a final, furious blast of music. It's a very cool
effect. But if you dig a little deeper...
As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's
Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies
"Where do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis,
flammis acribus addictis..." In English: "When the damned are confounded,
and consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want
to go today.
Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade
to purgatory is pretty steep.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar
--------
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
--------
Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card
readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card
to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down,
face toward me."
-------
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded,
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large."
(Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type,
disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium
then."
--------
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate for my now
permanently vacant Admin Asst job, I described the person to my boss as
rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
--------
Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees."
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
--------
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I used to live in a semi-rural area in Michigan. We had a new neighbor
call the Pittfield Township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.
--------
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"
--------
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she
was very disappointed.
---------
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg.
--------
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her
for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she
paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am,
that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year
that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about
that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
(
geocities.com/timessquare)