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Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
*******************************************************
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
******************************************************
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
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Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock,
last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he drinks
another beer, simply because they taste so good. After the final
beer, he gets up from his stool and immediately falls on the floor.
He tries to get up, but again he falls. He knew he had had one,
perhaps a few, too many, but...
After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.
At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up,
since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife.
So very, very carefully he crawls inside to his bed and very quietly slips under the covers without waking his wife
The next morning his wife wakes him and asks him furiously, "Were you
drunk again last night"?
Danny, surprised at being caught, asks her how she knew!
"They just called from the bar. You left your wheelchair there."
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No Excuses for Missing Church:
1. Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, "Sunday
is my only day for sleeping."
2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from
watching TV too late on Saturday night.
3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will
cave in if they show up for church.
4. Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the
church is too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the
church is too hot.
5. We will have hearing aids for those parishioners who say, "The
Pastor doesn't talk loud enough."
6. Score cards will be available for those who wish to count the
hypocrites.
7. We guarantee that relatives will be present for those who like
to go visiting.
8. there will be TV dinners available for those who claim they
can't get to church and cook dinner too.!
9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for
those who see God in nature, especially on the golf course.
10. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas
poinsettias and Easter lilies to create an environment for those who
have never seen the church without them.
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THE MILKMAN
One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was
surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up
in her living room.
The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in
which the company played "Who's Whose" - Each of the men had put their
equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their
identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd
been there".
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up
three times".
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
Let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show
up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
_________________________________________________________
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
__________________________________________________________
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
__________________________________________________________
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
__________________________________________________________
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to
her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket
and pulled out a .45 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're
not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
_________________________________________________________
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "And she's fucking Goofy too."
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Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two
ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and
rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on
through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll
walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked
out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around
and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my
wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as
his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"
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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I
would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men
feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after
breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come
reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" . . . . Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will
calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,"
a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.
It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen
Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess
the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with
that the rest of my life.
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence
but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck
without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't
a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was
our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied
between my legs.
She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner
and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a
step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a
"fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it
is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great
heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet
bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My
wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
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A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking,
prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, "I'm sorry, but you
have only 12 hours to live".
Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her
husband and states, "I want to spend this whole evening having wild
and crazy sex."
To which her husband exclaims,"That's easy for you to say. You don't
have to get up in the morning!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Microsoft acquires Electrolux,
makes numerous design revisions.
Finally releases a product that doesn't suck.
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You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you...
1. Feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.
2. Use the words "sun breaks" and know what it means.
3. Know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
4. Obey all traffic laws EXCEPT "keep right unless passing."
5. Never go camping without waterproof matches and ponchos.
6. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. Know more people who own boats than own air conditioners.
8. You remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and
how long you were out of power for every winter weather event for
the last five years.
9. Are amazed by an accurate weather forecast.
10. Consider if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently
erupted, regardless of altitude, it is a "hill" not a "mountain".
11. Invite twice as many people as you really want to a party. Since
only half will actually show up.
12. Complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for
twice what you paid for it.
13. Know what Lutefiske is.
14. Personally know someone from Alaska.
15. Consider floating bridges a pain, not an engineering marvel.
16. Find a wallet with $500 in it, and give it all back to the owner.
17. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.
18. Know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."
19. Used to live somewhere else, but don't admit it in public.
20. Consider swimming an indoor sport.
21. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
22. Have roots in Idaho or Montana, but wanted a high paying job.
23. In winter, go to work in the dark and go home in the dark, but
only have an eight hour day.
You live in the Seattle/Tacoma area if...
1. You make $30,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
2. Two-thirds of the people you know are from California or New York.
3. Know the vast differences between Vivachie, SBC, and Starbuck's.
4. You can list more than five reasons why Starbuck's is evil.
5. Every July 1st, it takes half a day to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
6. You blame anything that is not right on ex-Californians.
7. Know at least eight people who work for Intel or used to work for
Tektronix.
8. You know what and when the Columbus Day storm was. Bonus for
having been there.
9. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have
microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
10. You know that Boring, Oregon is a place, not an adjective to
describe the whole state
11. You can point in the direction of two or more volcanos even
though you can't see them due to clouds.
12. You have a bookstore, coffee bar, and brewpub within walking
distance of your house.
13. You can give a 30-minute monologue on infill and the Urban Growth
Boundary.
14. You think downtown is 'scary' because you were panhandled there once.
15. When you drive out of town, every other guy in a pickup truck
looks like the governor.
16. When you drive out of town, even the Hondas have gun racks.
17. You can name more than 10 kinds of berries and where to get them.
18. You can name more than 10 beer styles and their hop profiles.
19. When the weather gets above 50 degrees, you put on your shorts,
but you still wear your hiking boots and parka.
20. When the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking
boots with sandals.
21. You think people who use umbrellas are wimps.
22. You know what is between the east side and the west side, and how
to pronounce it.
23. You are sitting at a red light surrounded by Subaru Legacy Outbacks.
24. "Today's forecast, showers, followed by rain. Tomorrow: rain,
followed by showers" doesn't faze you.
25. You can't wait for a day with "showers and sunbreaks".
26. You can go skiing after work.
27. A tree or mudslide has ever damaged your house or car.
28. You live equidistant from a symphony hall, a winery, and a
volcano.
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SIGNS OF THE TIMES
==================
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume
you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you coming."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come
in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.
Growing wise is optional."
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It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis
was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed
light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this
new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And
Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy
of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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This is The Stone Thing by Michael Moorcock, copyright 1975.
The Stone Thing
A Tale of Strange Parts
Out of the dark places; out of the howling mists; out of the lands
without sun; out of Ghonorea came tall Catharz, with the moody sword
Oakslayer in his right hand, the cursed spear Bloodlicker in his left
hand, the evil bow Deathsinger on his back together with his quiver
full of fearful rune-fletched arrows, Heartseeker, Goregreedy,
Soulsnatcher, Orphanmaker, Eyeblinder, Sorrowsower, Beanslicer, and
several others.
Where his right eye should have been there was a jewel of slumbering
scarlet whose colour sometimes shifted to smouldering blue, and in the
place of his left eye was a many-faceted crystal, which pulsed as if
possessed of independent life. Where Catharz had once had a right
hand, now a thing of iron, wood and carved amethyst sat upon his
stump; nine-fingered, alien, cut by Catharz from the creature who had
sliced off his own hand. Catharz' left hand was at first merely
gauntleted, but when one looked further it could be observed that the
gauntlet was in fact a many jointed limb of silver, gold and lapis
lazuli, but as Catharz rode by, those who saw him pass remarked not on
the murmuring sword in his right hand, not on the whispering spear in
his left hand, not on the whining bow upon his back or the grumbling
arrows in the quiver; neither did they remark on his right eye of
slumbering scarlet, his left eye of pulsing crystal, his nine-fingered
right hand, his shining metallic left hand; they saw only the fearful
foot of Cwlwwymwn which throbbed in the stirrup at his mount's right
flank.
The foot of the Aching God, Cwlwwymwn Rootripper, whose ambition upon
the old and weary earth had been to make widows of all wives;
Cwlwwymwn the Striker, whose awful feet had trampled whole cities when
men had first made cities; Cwlwwymwn of the Last Ones, Last of the
Last Ones, who had been driven back to his island domain on the edge
of the world, beyond the Western Ice, and who now came limping after
Catharz screaming out for vengeance, demanding the return of his foot,
sliced from his leg by Oakslayer so that Catharz might walk again and
continue upon his doomladen quest, bearing weapons which were not his
protection but his burden, seeking consolation for the guilt which ate
at his soul since it was he who had been responsible for the death of
his younger brother, Forax the Golden, for the death of his neice,
Libia Gentleknee, for the living death of his cousin, Wertigo the
Unbalanced, seeking the whereabouts of his lost love, Cyphila the
Fair, who had been stolen from him by his arch-enemy, the wizard
To'me'ko'op'r, most powerful, most evil, most lustful of all the great
sorcerors of this magic-clouded world.
And there were no friends here to give aid to Catharz Godfoot. He must
go alone, with shuddering terror before him and groaning guilt behind
him, and Cwlwwymwn, screaming, vengeful, limping Cwlwwymwn, following
always.
And Catharz rode on, rarely stopping, scarcely ever dismounting,
anxious to claim his own vengeance on the sorceror, and the foot of
Cwlwwymwn, Last of the Last Ones, was heavy on him, as well it might
be for it was at least eighteen inches longer than his left foot and
naked, for he had had to abandon his boot when he had found that it
did not fit. Now Cwlwwymwn possessed the boot; it was how he had known
that Catharz was the mortal who had stolen his green, seventeed-clawed
limb, attaching it by fearful sorcery to the flesh of his
leg. Catharz' left leg was not flesh at all, but of lacquered cork,
made for him by the People of the World Beneath the Reefs, when he had
aided them in their great fight against the Gods of the Lowest Sea.
The sun had stained the sky a livid crimson and had sunk below the
horizon before Catharz would allow himself a brief rest and it was
just before dark that he came in sight of a small stone cottage,
sheltered beneath terraces of glistening limestone, where he hoped he
might find food, for he was very hungry.
Knocking upon the door he called out: "Greetings, I come in
friendship, seeking hospitality, for I am called Catharz the
Melancholy, who carries the curse of Cwlwwymwn Rootripper upon him,
who has many enemies and no friends, who slew his brother, Forax the
Golden, and caused the death of Libia Gentleknee, famous for her
beauty, and who seeks his lost love Cyphila the Fair, prisoner of the
wizard To'me'ko'op'r, and who has a great and terrible doom upon him."
The door opened and a woman stood there. Her hair was the silver of a
spiderweb in the moonlight, her eyes were the deep gold found at the
centre of a beehive, her skin had the pale, blushing beauty of the
tea-rose. "Welcome, stranger," said she. "Welcome to all that is left
of the home of Lanoli, whose father was once the migtiest in these
parts."
And, upon beholding her, Catharz forgot Cyphila the Fair, forgot that
Cwlwwymwn Rootripper limped after him still, forgot thet he had slain
his brother, his neice, and betrayed his cousin, Wertigo the Unbalanced.
"You are very beautiful, Lanoli," he said.
"Ah," said she, "that is what I have learned. But beauty such as mine
can only thrive if it is seen and it has been so long since anyone
came to these lands."
"Let me help your beauty thrive," he said.
Food was forgotten, guilt was forgotten, fear was forgotten as Catharz
divested himself of his sword, his spear, his bow and his arrows and
walked slowly into the cottage. His gait was a rolling one, for he
still bore the burden that was the foot of the Last of the Last Ones,
and it took him some little time to pull it through the door, but at
length he stood inside and has closed the door behind him and had
taken her in his arms and pressed his lips to hers.
"Oh, Catharz," she breathed. "Catharz!"
It was not long until they stood naked before one another. Her eyes
traveled over his body and it was plain that the eyes of scarlet and
crystal were lovely to her, that she admired his sliver hand and his
nine-fingered hand, that even the great foot of Cwlwwymwn was
beautiful in her sight. But the her eyes, shy until now, fell upon
that which lay between his legs, and those eyes widened a little, and
she blushed. Her lovely lips framed a question, but he moved forward
as swiftly as he could and embraced her again.
"How?" she murmured. "How, Catharz?"
"It is a long tale and a bloody one," he whispered, "of rivalry and
revenge, but suffice it to say that it ended in my father, Xympwell
the Cruel, taking a terible vengeance upon me. I fled from his court
into the wastes of Grxiwynn, raving mad, and it was there that the
tribesmen of Velox found me and took me to the wise Man of Oorps in
the mountains beyond Katatonia. He nursed me and carved that for
me. It took him two years, and all through those years I remained
raving, living off dust and dew and roots, as he lived. The engravings
had mystical significance, the runes contain the sum of his great
wisdom, the tiny pictures show all there is to show about physical
love. Is it not beautiful? More beautiful that that which it has
replaced?"
Her glance was modest; she nodded slowly.
"It is indeed, very beautiful," she agreed. And then she looked up at
him and he saw that tears glistened in her eyes. "But did it _have_ to
be made of sandstone?"
"There is little else," he explained sadly, "in the mountains beyond
Katatonia."
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Upcoming Disney Classics:
The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
The poet Dante (the voice of Bruce Willis) is led by his friend
Virgil (the voice of Anthony Quinn) on a magical trip underground
to the land of "Heck." Among the delightful creatures they visit
are the lovebirds Paolo and Francesca (the voices of Andrew Dice
Clay and Rosie O'Donnell), the Crying Trees (the band Nirvana),
and the Five Singing Little Devils (the Jacksons).
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
Crusty seafarer Captain Ahab (the voice of Dom Deluise) and his
lovely mermaid friend Fishtail (speaking voice of Brett Butler,
singing voice of Alanis Morrissette) take Ahab's young nephew
Ishmael (Matthew Broderick) on a delightful romp at sea in search
of the legendary great white whale Moby Dick (voice of Robin
Williams). Though songs of the whale's evil temper and
destructiveness are sung by many of the friendly natives on the
islands visited by the jolly crew, Moby turns out to be a lonely,
but lovable, giant. Ishmael learns an important lesson: Things
aren't always as they appear!
Animal Farm by George Orwell
Pigs, chickens, horses -- all the familiar barnyard crowd -- are
the heroes of this charming celebration of teamwork and diversity.
The poor animals, having suffered for years on a failing farm
under the tyranny of the cruel farmer Jones (Robert Goulet), are
suddenly liberated when Jones trips and falls down a well. Though
things are chaotic at first, the kindly young pigs Snowball
(Michael J. Fox) and Napoleon (Eddie Murphy) help the animals all
work together to turn the farm into a model of efficiency and
happiness. After the animals nurse Jones back to health, he
changes his evil ways and promises to treat all living things as
his equal.
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
With his father dead and his evil uncle Claudius (Sylvester
Stallone) now ruling over the once-happy people of Denmark, all
seems lost for poor prince Hamlet (Johnny Depp). But Hamlet's
father (Leslie Nielson) is only pretending to be dead until he can
safely help place his young son on the throne and his evil brother
in jail. Featuring an underwater ballet with the beautiful Ophelia
(Bette Midler) and the loony antics of a wise-guy skull named
Yorick (Rodney Dangerfield), Hamlet's best friend.
No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre
Old friends Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Minnie Mouse are
surprised to find themselves sharing a room in a beautiful resort
hotel. Their every need is catered to by a mysterious butler (Jim
Carrey). Opening in conjunction with Walt Disney World's new
attraction, Being-and-Nothingness Land.
The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
Young Gregor Samsa (Arnold Schwarzenegger), overwhelmed by the
demands of his job as a clerk, wishes each night that he was a
creature without responsibility. He is amazed one morning when he
awakes to find himself changed into a beautiful beetle, which
delights his family and terrifies his cruel boss (Jerry Seinfeld),
who is horribly afraid of insects. Jiminy Cricket guides young
Gregor to a happy community of insects that nest below the dull
city of Prague.
Oedipus Rex by Sophocles
Thanks to the advice of a wise old owl (Sally Kellerman), a young
boy (Neil Patrick Harris) avoids many traps set by the evil fates
(Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepard, and Mary Tyler Moore) to help
save Greece from disaster. The boy, who was stolen from his family
at birth, is finally reunited with his loving mother (Barbara
Streisand) and father (Bill Cosby).
Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett
Vladimir and Estragon (the delightful Chip 'n' Dale) wait for
Godot (Rush Limbaugh), who arrives with limitless presents and
makes all their dreams come true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has
successfully brought a generation of products from
Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is
a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the
design department have the utmost respect for him, so
I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer
on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and
the marketing vice president today to hammer out the
project's requirements and specifications. Here at
Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports.
We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000).
I've identified the critical issue in the new design:
a replacement for the timing spring we've used since
the original 1922 model. Research with the focus
groups shows that consumers set high expectations for
their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes
best with a precise level of toastal browning. The
Acme 2000 will give our customers the breakfast
experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of
$21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks.
I'll need one assistant designer to help with the
drawing packages. This is my first chance to
supervise!
Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of
all, it's a well-proven technology. Our projected cost
of goods is almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our
rough prototype, which was completed just 12 days
after we started, has been servicing the employee
cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup. Toastal
quality exceeds projections.
Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of
defense contractors to acquire has just snapped up
that block of Acme stock sold to the Mac-kenzie family
in the '50s. At a companywide meeting, corporate
assured us that this sale was only an investment and
that nothing will change.
Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted
toastal-timing mechanism to Ms Primrose, the new
engineering auditor. The single spring and four
interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me.
Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a
prototype run of 500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting
to wrap up the engineering effort. My new assistant
did a wonderful job.
Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me
into his office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed
me that those on high feel that the Acme 2000 is
obsolete--something about using springs in the silicon
age. I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked
at using a microprocessor but figured that an
electronic design would exceed our cost target by
almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toastal
quality. "With a computer, our customers can load the
bread the night before, program a finish time, and get
a perfect slice of toast when they awaken," Bob
intoned, as if reading from a script.
Day 48: Chuck Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz,
scrapped my idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We
need some horsepower if we're gonna program this puppy
in C," he said, while I stared fascinated at the old
crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you
know. Delivery is due in three months. We'll just pop
this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up some
code, and ship to the end user."
Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch
my mechanical-design abilities. Chuck convinced
management that the old spring-loaded, press-down
lever control is obsolete. I've designed a "motorized
insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive.
Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock microswitches
ensure that the heaters won't come on unless users
properly insert the toast. We're seeing some
reliability problems due to the temperature extremes,
but I'm sure we can work those out.
Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three
months. We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-
architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU.
Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three
months.
Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really
need a graphical user interface with a full-screen
LCD. "You're gonna need some horsepower to drive
that," Chuck warned us. "I recommend a 386 with a
half-meg of RAM." He went back to design Revision J of
the pc board.
Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three
months. We've cured most of the electronics'
temperature problems with a pair of fans, though
management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in
his office all day, door locked, drinking Jack
Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife calls every night
around midnight, sobbing. I'm worried about him and
mentioned my concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he asked.
"Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those and two or
three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg of
RAM in here, OK?"
Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now
installing Windows CE. The auditors applauded Chuck's
plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM.
There's still no functioning code, but the toaster is
genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of
cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker
has more computer power than the entire world did 20
years ago," Chuck boasted proudly.
Day 384: Toastal quality is sub-par. The addition of
two more cooling fans keeps the electronics to a
reasonable temperature but removes too much heat from
the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to vector the
air, but the thrust of all these fans spins the
toaster around.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quoth the fortune file:
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our
being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mangy-looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy
says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the
bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really
good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the
drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy
reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on
the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and
great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog
for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition of a verbal
battle like little boys all over the world.
"My Father is better than your Father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than you brother!"
"He is not! He is not!!!"
"My Mother is better than your Mother!"
A long pause ensued...
"Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing
more than once."
(
geocities.com/timessquare)