" 'Glen or Glenda', for the eleventh time. How about this one?" Rachel held up a shirt for Stacey to appraise.
"Oh for God's sake, don't wear that blouse! You'll look like my grandmother!" Stacey cried out. She threw her hands up in the air and turned away from Rachel.
"What's the matter with this blouse? It looks fine to me! It cost me forty-five dollars at Dillard's!" an indignant Rachel retorted.
"Yes. The blouse looks wonderful! It's a nice blouse, but you need forty more years before you can wear it! I can't believe you bought that. It must have been before I met you."
Rachel smiled and dropped the despised blouse on the bathroom floor. "You're just jealous because you have no taste in clothes!" She then went into the bedroom to look for another, more contemporary, blouse.
"Oh Lord." Stacey rolled her eyes and yelled so Rachel could hear her in the closet. "I will not be seen on the streets with a fashion failure! You read Cosmo! Get with it, girl!"
"If normal girls had boobs like the ones in Cosmo, they'd need warning flags to keep from hitting other people in the face! Besides, I'd kill for boobs like that." Rachel called back. She looked down at her own pair. Not bad but just not good enough. There was only so much you could do with a pair of so-called "enhancers" purchased at Frederick's for only $7.95. She then selected a white chambray shirt and took it into the bathroom.
"Dearie, don't worry. You'll never have boobs like that, anyway. Even they don't have boobs like that. No one does. I saw it on Entertainment Tonight. They use computers. One minute, breasts that look like a chimpanzee's been swinging from them, three keystrokes later... Whammo! WonderBra spokesbimbo!"
"I'd kill for a WonderBra to put my boobs that I'd kill for in. I heard that they sell out three minutes after they go on a rack. I heard that a woman was beaten up in New York City over the last WonderBra in the store." Rachel held her new shirt up against her body for Stacey to see.
Stacey turned from her makeup mirror and nodded approvingly. "Much better. Chic and sexy yet not slutty. You don't wanna attract too much attention."
"I don't guess. Ok, what about shoes? Black or brown? Which goes better do you think?" Rachel held out one of each shoe to Stacey for judgment.
"Mmmmmm. Tough call. Brown looks nice with the jeans, kind of got the easy going casual look...Wear the black." Stacey turned back to the mirror to finish applying eyeliner. She continued speaking. "You wanna wear the black because it's getting to be wintertime and those brown shoes are very nice but they just say 'summer' too much. Besides, the black ones have pointier toes and pointier toes look better."
Rachel cocked her head with puzzlement. She thought about this for a second before replying. "Pointy toes are supposed to be bad for your feet. And where did you ever come up with that rule on black versus brown anyway?"
"They're bad for your feet, but you have to wear them anyway. It doesn't matter if your feet fall off, they just have to look good. Also, it's common knowledge that black is best for winter. You oughta know that. You read Cosmo."
Rachel shook her head and squeezed in next to Stacey in front of the mirror. "Yes. I read Cosmo. Cosmo knows all! I will get all my fashions from the great and powerful Cosmo! Shove over and hand me that foundation will you?" Stacey tossed the small bottle of Cover Girl makeup to Rachel, and walked out of the bathroom into the kitchen.
Rachel started applying the makeup carefully, gently smoothing it on in small areas just as the directions prescribed. When her face was thoroughly covered with the foundation, she grabbed the powder and patted it on her face, again carefully smoothing it. She then opened the eyeshadow compact and looked at it trying to decide what color to use.
"Stacey!" Rachel yelled.
"What is it?" came the aggravated reply from the kitchen. "I'm feeding your stupid cat!"
"Com'mere. I need to know what shade of eye shadow to use!"
"Damn it! Choose yourself for once! Wear that reddish-brown. That looks good on your face." From the kitchen came a whir of the can opener and then a terrible repetitive meowing as the kitten begged to be fed. "Shut up, you stupid cat! I'm coming, I'm coming." The cat ignored Stacey and continued to meow.
Rachel glanced back, and saw Stacey place the cat food dish on the floor. The small yellow kitten attacked the food as if it were going out of style.
Rachel turned back to the mirror and opened up the Cosmo lying on the counter. She thumbed through the first nineteen pages to the table of contents. Running her finger down the column, she found the article she was looking for. Once more, she thumbed through the magazine pausing briefly to look at the WonderBra advertisement. Wow. Gotta have on of those. Look at that lift! The ultimate set of breasts, yours for only $39.95! Continuing onward past the article over sexy Mel Gibson and monthly Cosmo quiz (this month's quiz - "How sexually deviant are you Cosmo girls?") she found the article on page 126. "How to Make Those Eyes Sensually, Sinfully, and Sexually Smoky!" She licked her lips with anticipation.
Rachel read the article carefully, step by step. This wasn't too hard. First apply the shadow. Easy sweeeeeping motions... Careful! Not past the corner! Next, the dark brown eyeliner. Rachel sharpened the eyeliner and then traced it along the edge of her eyelid, being careful not to blink. "Shit!" Rachel cursed. She had slipped and made a stray mark with the pencil. Make no stray marks, and be careful to erase completely if you change your work.
Rachel pulled a Kleenex from the dispenser and moistened it with a bit of saliva. There. That got it, she thought as she erased her error. She traced again with the pencil and was rewarded several minutes later with fine dark lines on each lid. Next step, take a q-tip and smear the shadow and liner gently. She did just that and was rewarded with eyes that looked reasonably close to the ones in the diagram. Sorta close anyway, she thought. The final step, apply her dark, thick "Illegal Lengths" mascara. She did this and admired her handiwork in the mirror. Not bad. Not bad at all. She was getting pretty good at it. She practiced winking her eye sexily for a few minutes and blew herself a kiss.
Rachel was applying her blush when Stacey came back in the bathroom. "Ready yet?" Stacey asked.
"Just about. Look, look. How do you like my eyes? Nice and smoky, huh?" Rachel opened her eyes wide and batted her illegally long lashes at Stacey.
Stacey gave a wane smile and said deadpan, "Yes. That's very nice dear. You do great work."
"I'm not appreciated for my talents. Fine then. I don't want to be your 'lesbian' lover anyway." Rachel turned up her nose in mock disdain.
"Bitch." Stacey said, smiling.
"Bimbo."
"Harlot."
"Tramp."
"Streetwalker."
"Strumpet."
"Loose Woman."
"Courtesan of the Night."
Stacey burst out laughing upon hearing this last epithet. "That's awful! Where'd you get that one? You can be my 'lesbian' lover anytime." She leaned in and kissed Rachel fully on the lips.
"Hey, hey! Watch it! You're gonna smear my makeup!" Rachel waved Stacey away, who pouted and slunk out of the bathroom.
"Just a couple of small items left." Rachel said to herself. She selected a lipstick and applied it to her lips. She looked in the mirror and studied them fully. She dabbed a tiny bit on her lower right lip and then smiled at herself. You make one good lookin' chick!
She clipped on her earrings and fastened her favorite necklace around her neck. It was the gold Minnie Mouse one. It actually belonged to Stacey, but she hardly ever wore it. Rachel carefully brushed out her long, dark brown hair, and made final adjustments to her hair style, brushing her bangs aside slightly. She tossed her head and gave herself an award winning smile. Click, click, click. She imagined the Cosmo cameras whirring as they caught her gorgeous face. She then painted her carefully manicured fingernails with Max Factor Super Ultra Quick Drying "Luscious Luminous Red" polish. Her car was the same color, only Dodge called it "Radiant Fire Red".
Thirty seconds later, face painted, hair brushed, and nails dry, Rachel exited the bathroom. She presented herself to Stacey who was sitting on the chair reading the latest issue of Playboy, with the pages open to the annual "The Year in Sex" feature. There was the ever present picture of Ted Kennedy in a not-so-flattering position with a woman, a picture of the famous dead movie actress who was posthumously found to have once been a man, and a picture of the couple who had recently made headlines after she cut off his penis and then fed it to his Siberian Husky in front of him. Rachel looked closely at this last photograph and caption. Ouch.
"Interesting article, huh?" Rachel asked.
"Oh yeah. You don't mind me reading the issue first, do you?"
"I don't care. I read your Cosmo's. Now, how do I look?" Rachel asked. She smiled and did a little pirouette.
Stacey dropped the magazine and appraised Rachel's appearance. "Good! You look real good! Ready to paint the town shocking pink! You ready?"
"You bet. Lemmie call Ste...uh, Stephanie and Heather, and tell them that we're on our way."
"Hey. What's the name again of this movie we're going to see?"
"'Glen or Glenda', for the eighty-seventh time. It's this really bad fifties movie about cross-dressing. The director is one of the worst directors of all time. Not only that, he was a cross-dresser too. Rachel waggled her eyebrows at Stacey. She grabbed her coat and dialed Stephanie's number.
"Ohhhh. I see." Stacey said with a nod and a knowing smile.
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