This is a work of fiction, and any coincidence to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(And you actually believe that?)
The scene before us: A conference room with four individuals. They are lounging around waiting for their meeting to start, and chatting quietly amongst themselves. A lone individual timidly pokes his head into the door, unknowing of the great adventures that are about to befall him...
Mr. Denial: Hi, is this the meeting of the um…ah…electrician’s convention?
Androgyne: (Jerks thumb) Two doors down. This is transgender superheroes.
Mr. Denial: Oh. Um, ah, well, um, this looks interesting. Mind if I sit in for a bit?
(A few shrugs, no disagreements, and Denial takes a seat next to TransWoman)
Mr. Denial: (To TransWoman) Hi.
(TransWoman looks at him like he’s a bug.)
Androgyne: The cold chick is TransWoman. He’s TransMan, this is Drag Diva, and I’m Androgyne. Crossdresser should be here any minute now.
Mr. Denial: Hi, My name is Mr. Denial.
All: HI, MR. DENIAL!
(Crossdresser enters and gets to business.)
Crossdresser: Good afternoon, my fellow superheroes. I want to call order to our first meeting as a new alliance of superheroes. We are living in dark times. I have just received word that today another schoolteacher of the year has been fired.
(Murmurs and shaking of heads around the room)
TransMan: What happened this time? (Sarcastically, because it’s always the same old story)
Crossdresser: One of our Transgender sisters, last year’s Teacher of the Year, was fired for so called "inappropriate conduct." The school board charges that she was discussing intimate details of her personal life with her class. The same school’s principal was only reprimanded for sexual harassment in a previous case. We believe this move was orchestrated by none other than the evil forces of Adolf Fallwell and the Moronic Majority of Doom.
Drag Diva: (shrieks in terror)
TransWoman: What the HELL is all that?
Drag Diva: Oh girl, they scare me and it’s hard to run away from those bitches in these heels!
Crossdresser: Yes, it IS scary. Each one of us has been battling the evil forces of hatred and intolerance for years but the time is now at hand for us to form up together. We take a stand as one. We need to form a new supergroup!
TransWoman: A "supergroup?" Aren’t those rock bands from the 70’s?
TransMan: Yeah, like Foreigner, Yes, or Queen. And we’re not queens. Well, except for you. Drag Diva. (Drag Diva makes snapping gesture)
Androgyne: Aren’t there enough super alliances? For crying out loud, there’s the Justice League of America, the Mystery Men, the Galactic Guardians, the Teen Titans, the Legion of Superheroes, and now the Lambda Legion which the Stonewall Democrats and Log Cabin Republicans founded just last week! Whew!(Out of breath)
Crossdresser: Yes, but those groups have their own special focus. We need our own alliance to fight for the rights of all oppressed transgender people and I propose the name….Trans Force Five!!!
(Ba-dum-bum sound plays. Everyone looks around like they all heard something.)
Androgyne: But there’s six of us.
Crossdresser: Mr. Denial hasn’t come to terms yet. But that’s ok, we still accept him.
Mr. Denial: No, no, I’m not trans. (Obviously wearing a WELL filled bra under his male clothes)
DragDiva: Oh shut up bitch, I see how you envy TransWoman’s heels.
TransWoman: (to Mr. Denial) You can’t borrow them. Besides, we can’t call ourselves Trans Force Six because Six sounds like sex and then people will think that’s what we’re all about!
Drag Diva: Oh, get over yourself, Mother Theresa.
(TransWoman and Drag Diva square off in Kung-Fu sparring maneuvers)
Crossdresser: Now, now, if we fight amongst ourselves, then our enemies will be able to split us because of our differences! United we stand, divided we fall!
(TransWoman and Drag Diva return to their spots)
Androgyne: You heard that on the Superfriends. (Obviously the authority on Superheroes)
TransMan: Crossdresser’s right! We’ve got to stick together and unite or we won’t get anywhere! We all have our differences, but our diversity makes us that much more powerful-ful -ful-ful-ful- ful!
(Trans Force Five members look around, hearing some sort of echoing)
Mr. Denial: I am NOT trans! (Waving an small tube)
Androgyne: Isn’t that lipstick?
Mr. Denial: Oh…I thought it was chapstick. Heh, heh...(He sighs and everyone looks around and rolls eyes)
Crossdresser: Androgyne! How did you get into the superhero business? You seem to be the expert on superhero protocol.
Androgyne: (stepping forward) Well, many years ago, as my young alter ego, Lee, I wasn’t happy with myself. I knew there was something wrong with me, that somehow my brain didn’t match my body. Then as a young adult, I learned that a nefarious medical experiment to correct a so-called "birth anomaly" gave me the wrong sex! I cast down that assigned gender, but I realized I had been changed forever. I knew that I would never be complete as either man or woman so I became….ANDROGYNE!
Mr. Denial: Wowwwww! That’s some story.
TransMan: Ok, since we’re all superheroes, we need weapons! Big powerful guns!!! (waves hands in slow motion like in a John Woo movie gunfight)
Androgyne: Moron. Superheroes don't have weapons, they have skills. Superman doesn’t shoot Lex Luthor with a bazooka, does he?
Drag Diva: What about stiletto heels with real stilettos? I also have a "feather boa of truth". I wrap it around my victim…I mean villain and he'll be telling me every thing I want...Mmmmmmm.... (Giggles)
Androgyne: Look. The Uniform Code of Superhero Justice, Article Two, Section B, paragraph 1 clearly states, "Weapons may never be used to harm a villain, they may only be handled to bend them out of shape, thus rendering them harmless and demonstrating the futility of crime." I should be a lawyer.
TransMan: You should be committed, kiddo. (Slaps a big brother hand on hir back and bowls hir forward)
Androgyne: You're obviously the muscle and not the brains.
TransMan: (Laughs heartily and turns to TransWoman) I know what you can do. You’re the Mata Hari of the bunch.
TransWoman: They executed the Mata Hari, dear.
TransMan: Oh.
Mr. Denial: Who’s the Mata Hari?
Drag Diva: Just think PUSSY Galore.
Mr. Denial: Oh!
TransWoman: Look, I don’t have much interest in being here. Now that I’m post-surgical I just want to blend into the woodwork like any other woman. I am tired of this superhero business, It’s time to retire.
TransMan: But you can’t retire, we’d lose your greatest talents!
TransWoman: Excusé Moi?
TransMan: You’re our mole. You go off to work as a secretary for Adolf Fallwell or Heinrich Robertson or one of those other guys! You sit there looking pretty, but secretly transmit their nefarious plans for world domination-on-on-on-on!
(Trans Force Five members look around, hearing some sort of echoing as TransWoman spontaneously combusts.)
TransWoman: You sexist pig! I am not a secretary. My non-superhero alter ego is that of Linda Lawson, investment banker. Or at least I was till I got fired when I transitioned.
(Spits out last sentence) Testosterone poisoned fiends!
TransMan: Hey, sweet cheeks, that’s kind of offensive! What’s wrong with the T! It courses through my veins like superjuice! I’m glad to be rid of that strength sapping estrogen! (Hearty laugh)
TransWoman: Superjuice, my perfectly feminine ass. (Her arm rotates around and slaps her perfectly feminine ass with a whip crack.) The only good thing about being male was that dad taught me how to change the oil in my car. Can you? (Sweet smile)
Androgyne: Actually, super juice was featured in Season Two, Episode twenty-seven, Segment Three of the Wonde… (Interrupted)
All: Shut up!
Androgyne: Sorry.
TransMan: Well, LARRY, I guess you’re just more of a man than I am. (Horrified look on TransWoman’s face)
TransWoman: How DARE you call me by that name, Bob! Or should I call you BARBARA!
Drag Diva: Here we go again.
TransMan: (Growls back at TransWoman) I suppose I deserve that. But you got some issues babe-a-nator.
TransWoman: I have issues? I have issues??? I HAVE ISSUES, BOB???? (Near hysteria)
TransMan: You’re a bit overemotional.
(Androgyne holds thumb and forefinger scarcely apart and Drag Diva waves her hands at hir not to get involved)
TransWoman: And you have issues about how people perceive you as a man. You overcompensate by trying to be Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ron Jeremy rolled into one!
TransMan: At least all your new hardware works! I may have a chest cut like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but could they give me a wang that I can bang with? Noooooooooo, I was lucky to get me a schlong that I can piss standing up with! I overcompensate? You’re one to talk, little Miss Kathy Lee Gifford.
Crossdresser: Please my Trans Force Five Friends… (Ba DA dum. Everyone looks around hearing some sort of theme music.) …this infighting will get us absolutely nowhere. This is what the evil forces of the Religious Reich and the Moral Majority of Doom want to see happen. If we can’t settle our own differences and unite, our enemies will settle them for us, and we won’t like their decision. Now apologize.
TransWoman: I’m Sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just overly sensitive sometimes.
TransMan: I’m sorry too, I guess I tend to overcompensate. Teach me how to change oil sometime?
TransWoman: Deal. Bob, I just love it when we make up after a fight. KISS ME! (She leaps at him and they embrace passionately in a 40's theatrical kiss)
Crossdresser: Wonderful, just wonderful. (Pulls out a frilly hanky and dabs at her eyes.)
Androgyne: Ewwww. (Makes a putrid face)
Drag Diva: (To Mr. Denial) Damn heteros flaunting their shit right in our faces. You can’t walk down the street without seeing them all over each other these days.
Crossdresser: So where did you two go on the honeymoon?
Mr. Denial: (Incredulously) They're Married???
TransWoman: Portland! We got married in the hospital!
TransMan: (Smiling broadly) Then we celebrated by having our sex change surgeries together! (They look at each other and smile huge grins and disgustingly rub noses and make lovey dovey noises.)
Androgyne: Ohhh barf, get a room.
Mr. Denial: That's so cooooool!
Crossdresser: (clasps hands together) It's so wonderful that we have a married couple taking part in this alliance and showing solidarity even if their marriage is illegal in 47 states.
Drag Diva: So what’s your specialty, Mr. Denial?
Mr. Denial: I don’t have a specialty. I'm just a regular guy. (Sitting with legs crossed at the knee…all he needs is a heel dangling from the toe)
ALL except Denial: Oh yeah, sure, ok yeah uh huh.
Mr. Denial: (Suddenly becomes conscious of the way he’s sitting, slowly uncrosses his legs, leans forward and spreads his legs apart…far apart)
Androgyne: Good posture. (Makes A-OK symbol with thumb and forefinger)
Mr. Denial: Quit pickin' on me! So what’s your story Drag Diva?
Drag Diva: Honey, I do drag for performance, fun and crimefighting, but other than that I am a GAY MAN. While revered for our powers of performance and the female illusion, we’re sometimes treated like second class citizens by both gay and trans communities. We don’t fit the conventional mold and people don’t think we’re anything other than Gay Glamma or flaming queens! And it’s really hard to get a boyfriend, because he thinks I want to be a woman, or he just wants just a chick with a dick. I’m a MAN, darlin’ and like it just like that. But remember, if it weren’t for the Drag Divas of the world, Stonewall would have never happened and THAT’S why I became a superhero, honey!
Androgyne: Wow…. Stonewall. You were there?
Drag Diva: Bitch! Um, bastard! Um, whatever the hell you are, how old do you think I am?
TransWoman: Crossdresser, we haven’t heard your story yet.
Crossdresser: Well, my friends, I was lost. I, like most of you, knew from a very early age that I was different and hated myself for it. (Nods around the room) For many years I hid myself and pretended to be that super-masculine role model.
After all that, I found spirituality and reconciliation with myself. I accepted myself for who I am and decided not to repress myself any longer. I realized I was still a man and appreciated that, but I also realized that I could get in touch with another side that’s been buried so long. I am so much happier and my wife is too!
TransMan: Rock on sister!
Crossdresser: Every day in this world, poor innocent helpless transpeople are losing their jobs because they are fired for "poor work performance", being stripped of their marriage rights because they don’t have the right chromosomes, or even murdered because they threaten someone’s manhood!
(Trans Force Five starts humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Crossdresser: We aren’t included in the Employment Non Discrimination act because HRC is too scared the legislation will fail if we’re included, insurance companies refuse to assist with everyday medical procedures because of the wrong letter in the box marked "sex", and Teachers of the Year are suddenly fired because they are engaging in so-called inappropriate conduct!
(By this point, TransMan and TransWoman are dancing, Androgyne is whistling, Drag Diva is singing and Mr. Denial is playing a Kazoo)
(Crossdresser pumps a fist, she’s on a roll now)
Crossdresser: Friends, Romans, Countrymen! We must take a stand on our own! We must fight for the rights of all good and decent trans. Join me!
(Humming stops.)
Mr. Denial: Crossdresser is right! If we don’t stand up for ourselves, who will? It’s time for trans-action! Count me in as Trans! Now where do I get my cape!
Drag Diva: (Places tiara on Denial’s head) Sorry, no capes, but this is from when I was crowned Miss Okeene Rattlesnake Queen.
Androgyne: I thought you weren’t trans.
Mr. Denial: Welllllllll….maybe just a bit. (holds thumb and forefinger a smidgen apart)
Crossdresser: Fantastic! Who else is with us!
Androgyne: Count me in!
TransMan: I’m your man and I’m looking for a good fight! (Jumps into a boxing stance and tosses a few air punches)
Drag Diva: Oh hell, this better not mess up my hair. I’m in.
TransWoman: Ok, but after we save the world, I’m outa here for good!
Androgyne: To fight injustice!
Drag Diva: To champion diversity!
TransMan: To make the world safe for all trans!
Crossdresser: Trans Force Five, form up! (They leap into six Charlie’s Angels-esque positions…Hey. I never said that I didn't reuse good material.)
(Ba DA bum! Theme sound plays and again, they all look around)
Androgyne: Did you hear something?
The End…till the next episode.
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