Joke of the Day

"Joke of the Day"
Brought to you by the ICorp Group

HTML conversion by Stephen P. Dragoo

These are a collection of jokes from a short-lived daily email list I received. I've converted the postings to HTML format, and have added titles to the jokes. Enjoy ;)

Christmas Turkey (6/13/2000)

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Christmas turkey.

Johnny's Little "Heart" (6/14/2000)

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that they start the day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him. As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she picks me up and pats me here and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

Johnny's Fishing Trip (6/15/2000)

Little Johnny burst into the house, crying his eyes out. His mama asked him what the problem was. He said, "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."

"That's what I did, Mama."

Elevator Ride (6/16/2000)

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

My Three Sons (6/19/2000)

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Putting Your Money Where Your Mouth Is (6/19/2000)

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

Duck, Duck...Angel? (6/21/2000)

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."

Road Rage (6/21/2000)

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG"! The man immediately leans out his window and replies with a few obscenities. They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

From [Polishing] Rags to Riches (6/22/2000)

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Egg on His Face (6/22/2000)

A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers. The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly.

After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts. That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.

"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"

The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered "yes."

"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."

The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"

His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."

You can take the blond out of your hair, but not out of the Blonde... (6/23/2000)

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"Okay," replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.

"Sure," said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow." said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered,

"Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

Love Isn't THAT Blind... (6/23/2000)

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Out of the Mouths of Babes (6/26/2000)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

A Child's Logic (6/27/2000)

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Intemperance is Bliss? (6/29/2000)

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."