On April 20th 1999, 2 disgruntled teenagers walked into their school & went haywire, killing 15 people (including themselves), and injuring dozens more in a horrible shooting spree that will forever burn in the World's mind as a representation of innocence lost. Soon after, as details started to unfold, it became clear that these young men were affiliated with a group as deadly as their name implies- The Trenchcoat Mafia. P.I. research labs have studied the very infrastructure of this maniacal organization, and we now bring to you our theory regarding this horrible tragedy, and the events that led up to it.
WCW Pro Wrestler "Sting" shows up at a televised event in full facepaint & long, black trenchcoat. At the same time, awkward teens in Colorado happen to be tuned in to TBS. They see NOT a paid entertainer, there to participate in a relatively harmless wrestling match, but their savior- the man who they will lovingly refer to as... the leader of the now-infamous Trenchcoat Mafia™!
Impressed and enamored by Sting's "gothic" makeup & overall appearance, the teens pool their Oxy-10 money, and invest in similar apparel. Acting on orders from Sting, and his wacky-coat-wearing underbosses Columbo and Inspector Gadget, they soon went from getting their enemies (anyone within eyesight WITHOUT buckteeth, a vacant look & greasy hair) in a figure-four leglock, to opening fire on them with a semi-automatic handgun. Teaching fear and respect for the almighty Trenchcoat, the saga continues....
Of course, we could be wrong, and these kids could be just a bunch of suburban wackos with a grudge against the world for no reason better than "LiFe SuX", so to play it safe and educate the public, we now bring to you...
Answers the question "what would you like for breakfast this morning, dear?" with a brief burst of semi-automatic gunfire.
Comes home from school bearing bruises & a "kick me" sign affixed to their back, mumbling something to the effect of "one day, they'll all bathe in their own blood, my sweet Satan".
Writes "LiFe SuX" on their notebook, alternating capital letters with lower-case, a sure sign of youth gone awry.
You find a snubnose Derringer in their lunchbox, next to half-eaten bologna sandwich.
Giant "TNT" tattoo on forehead.
Frequently stabs the globe.
Clock appears where face once was, wires sprout from ears.
Adds red "crosshairs" over family fingerpaint portrait.
During family outing at the beach, creates "sand victim".
Runs out of room immersed in flames, blames "faulty internet bomb instructions".
Irrational fear of Christ.
Reads "P.I. Hates You", not too scared to sign guestbook.
Casually refers to school as "inevitable killing field". When asked for explanation, they reply "Oh, nothin'" while wringing hands in a maniacal fashion.
Prefers agonizing groin punch to awkward teenage masturbation.
They would rather goose-step than rollerblade.
Halloween costume of choice: Postman.
Favorite actor: Jimmy Walker (10 points for you if you get this one!)
They play video games, listen to Marilyn Manson, & wear black trenchcoats.
Beginning before the last body hit the ground, the media jumped on the scapegoat bandwagon, blaming the usual suspects for the shootings, from Mortal Kombat to Adolf Hitler, to the NRA. We all know that the media wouldnt lie. Would they? Everyone seems to be looking for that one explanation as to why this tragedy occurred. Incidentally- WE ARE TOO! So without further ado it's now time for the 1st ever:
Well, there ya have it! The story of two awkward teens with guns and a grudge against the world, brought to you by three drunken men with guns... and a grudge... um... never mind, just hit the button below & get the hell outta here before some of this rubs off on ya, lil' Johnny!