The P.I. Game Corner!

NINTENDO 64- DOOM64:
The eternally pissed-off "lone marine" is back in glorious 64-bit form, for another tour of Satan's bowels. Chainsaw + shotgun = FUN!

NINTENDO 64- TUROK, THE DINOSAUR HUNTER:
Acclaim's zany native-american is the main character in this Doom-like, Dino-laden gorefest. Fear his bow!

NINTENDO 64- BLASTCORPS:
In this overhead view demolition game, it's your duty to save the human race from nuclear holocaust, by clearing a path for a truck carrying 2 leaking nuclear missles, on it's way to a safe zone. We here at P.I. say "Let the truck crash & crash into the house of the guy who programmed that miserable soundtrack!". Sorry, Nintendo, that cheezy mario music ain't cuttin' it in every game!

PLAYSTATION- WCW VS. THE WORLD :
60+ polygon wrestlers, responsive controls, good sound, a "ninja death mist" attack, a groin headbutt, an off-the-top-rope "La Plancha", & hundreds of other moves! Only thing missing- bottles, frying pans, baseball bats, barbed wire, and fire! ECW! ECW! ECW!

PLAYSTATION- SOUL BLADE:
Great graphics & sound! Coulda used a few more characters, though. Rock, the generic fighting game "barbarian" has a victory yell of "Fonnngggooooollllll", in apparent homage to Brooklyn wiseguys. And the lil' viking girl character, Sophitia, has a move where she knees you in the nuts, and as you crumple to the ground in agony, she says "I'm Sorry!". Sure ya are, kid! I haven't laughed so hard since William Kunstler died.

NINTENDO 64- SUPER MARIO KART64 :
Uhhh.. why are there balloons on my car? This game's gay! Die, Mario, you fat lil' mustached prick, ya!

PLAYSTATION- ARCADE CLASSICS, ATARI'S GREATEST HITS, VOL.1:
6 Classic games- Asteroids, Missle Command, Breakout, Battlezone, Tempest, & Centipede. Ah, the joys of playing for score! Can the youth of today appreciate this concept? No. They can only find value in rap music, baggy jeans, skateboards, & gang signs. Get the high score and "represent" by putting up the initials R-A-P, D-E-F, & F-O-O!

PLAYSTATION- WILLIAMS ARCADE CLASSICS, VOL.1:
6 more classic games- Robotron, Defender, Defender 2, Bubbles, Joust, & Sinistar. Call me gay, but i like Bubbles!

PLAYSTATION- NAMCO MUSEUM, VOL.1-3:
Other than Pac-Man & Pole Position, (both on Vol.1) who heard of any of these games? This sucks! Tower of Druaga? Who would shell out a quarter to play this? Better off buyin 5 Bazookas.

NINTENDO64- STARFOX 64:
Great graphics & sound, but whenever one of my furry wingmen need my help, I have to fight back the urge to retch! Hey Nintendo- No more cutesy shit! I'll pay you to stop!

Open letter to Sega of America:
Your games suck! There is no reason for continued production of your systems or software! Please e-mail us with letter of explanation of why it takes you 3-5 years to come out with games that are considered "classics" on other systems by now (Resident Evil, Soviet Strike, Krazy Ivan, Mk Trilogy, etc) P.S.- Sonic can choke on my nuts. Thanks.

ARCADE- MACE: THE DARK AGES:
This "weapons" fighter blows Soul Edge away! Fatalities! Whats funnier than hacking your opponents head, arms, & torso off, then kickin' their lower body to the ground?! Game includes standard useless "barbarian" character, plus the obligatory female fighters flashin' cleavage, so what more do ya need? If you don't like this game, you're a dumb dick.

ARCADE- HOUSE OF THE DEAD:
"Resident Evil" on crack. So good. Bonus features- When you shoot a zombie, his face falls off. *joy*

SATURN- FIGHTERS MEGAMIX:
Look, kiddies! It's the 7th sign of the apocalypse! Sega puts out 2 good games within a month! Virtua Fighter + Fighting Vipers, plus the usual "zany" characters such a Mexican jumping bean, a duck, & a panda bear! If you own a Saturn, buy this game, you shmuck.

NINTENDO 64 & PLAYSTATION- WARGODS:
Mk3-D. Come meet your fate with these vengeful warriors from another realm...wait, that almost sounded like the beginnings of a normal review, so let's wrap this up by saying- This game rules, so buy it now, you dumb lil' bastid you! Thanks.

NINTENDO 64- TOP GEAR RALLY:
Who gives a f#@k about the gameplay... Let's just draw skulls on the car & crash into the wall.

PLAYSTATION- CASTLEVANIA: SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT:
Naked ghouls! Buy this game now!

PLAYSTATION- RAMPAGE: WORLD TOUR:
Big monsters wreck cities. You can eat a nun, play kick the can with a tank, and pull a guy off the toilet. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

NINTENDO 64- DARK RIFT:
Who's retarded idea was it to utilize every button on the friggin' controller? Burn this Vic Tokai travesty ASAP.

PLAYSTATION- JURASSIC PARK: THE LOST WORLD:
Good graphics, lousy control. You CAN be the T-Rex & eat people, which is cute for like 2 seconds, then you'll be usin the game as a futuristic yarmulke.

PLAYSTATION- ODD WORLD: ABE'S ODYSSEY:
Abe- loveable video character, or Jeff Van Gundy, head coach of the New York Knicks? Buy this game or i'll slug you in the eye.

NINTENDO 64- MADDEN 64:
Did anyone ever tell the programmers of this game that it was 64 bit? To hell with these cheesy graphics & crappy gameplay. It's enough to make Lyle Alzado roll over in his grave.

NINTENDO 64- NFL QUARTERBACK CLUB '98:
Oom Pah! Oom Pah Pah!

NINTENDO 64- CLAYFIGHTER 63 & 1/3:
If not for the simple glee associated with throwing a chicken at someone, this game sucks. Um... What happened to all the characters? Anyone?

NINTENDO 64- MACE: THE DARK AGE:
Pierced nipples, huge weapons, heads on sticks, & scantily clad chicks. The only thing its lackin' is beer.

PLAYSTATION- SUB ZERO: MK MYTHOLOGIES:
Please wake me when it's done loading... ZZZzzzz...

PLAYSTATION- RESIDENT EVIL: DIRECTOR'S CUT:
C(r)apcom carries on it's tradition of makin' the same game with a different name at YOUR expense. Die, moneygrabbers.

NINTENDO 64- GOLDENEYE:
Today, I sniped a commie at 300 yards. Get this game & take aim at the reds for your Uncle Sam.

PLAYSTATION- MONOPOLY:
ZZZZzzz ZZZZZZzzzzz....

ARCADE- MORTAL KOMBAT 4:
Corner trap now, bitches! We liked it so much, we tried to steal it from the arcade & spent a week in the can.

ARCADE- STREET FIGHTER 3
Yay! C(r)apcom finally learns howta count to three! Yep, three has everything! Three times the new fighters with all the same old moves. Three times the dissapointment when ya play and realize its the same old game again, and of course three times the amount of yellow antagonists huddled around the machine waiting to see Ryu's Dragon Punch performed with three times the animation of previous S.F. games (big friggin' deal). It just makes me wonder how come we didnt drop 3 bombs on Japan instead of one.

PLAYSTATION- COURIER CRISIS:
Riding a bike thru midtown, knocking over yuppies and lil' kids. LAME! The only good thing about this miserable game is the Black Flag song in it's soundtrack. Please Rollins, find the guys who made this game and bust their ass. thanks!

PLAYSTATION- PARAPPA THE RAPPER
Oh my! What do we have here? A tiny rapping mutt, mimicing the weak rhymes of his fellow sucker M.C.'s, in a quest to become a world-famous rapper! Well, despite everyone yappin about how "innovative" this game is, lemme tell ya- it just gave me a friggin' headache!
"Rap" after me-
Pick.. this game up... and put it in the trash...
Parappa: Pick... this game up.. and put it in the trash...

NINTENDO 64- BANJO - KAZOOIE
Jesus H. Christ, if this isn't the gayest game i've ever played i don't know what is. My main beef with it is- I can't put the friggin' thing down! Ok so i'm half a fag, F#@K YOU! *slipping on fuzzy bunny slippers & My Anarchy Pajamas*

PLAYSTATION- GRAND THEFT AUTO
What can be said about this gem?!?!? Car jacking, running drugs, killing cops, shooting sprees, vehicular homocide, terrorism, and the sheer delight of hearing disgruntled pedestrians shouting "asshole" and "dickwad" as you unmercifully harangue them through the city streets. Buy this game now! ...or better yet- walk into your local software store, punch the manager in the throat, hold a clerk at gunpoint, shoot the first teen you see wearing baggy jeans (if only for principle), and then steal a copy! (That'll get ya warmed up)

PLAYSTATION- DEAD OR ALIVE
Forget the fact that this is a great fighting game which borrows heavily from Virtua Fighter 2... Get this- When you hit a female character, her boobies bob up and down from the impact. Needless to say, just throw on practice mode, grab a 6-pack, and just pummel the computer senseless while laughin' at the swaying tits! It's fun for the whole family!

NINTENDO 64- 1080 SNOWBOARDING
Please God, strike down everyones(!) favorite spooge-guzzlin' fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger before he infects another videogame! Is nothing sacred?

PLAYSTATION- BLOODY ROAR
Great new fightin' game, or my girl on the rag? Both!

PLAYSTATION/NINTENDO 64- MORTAL KOMBAT 4
The only real difference between these 2 home conversions is the PS load time. If ya got nothin' better to do than to sit in front of your TV for about 53 minutes between matches while yer arteries start to harden from old age-, buy the PS version. If ya wanna lop someones head off ASAP... buy the N64 version.

NINTENDO 64- MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE :
Kinda like Golden Eye meets Tomb Raider. The biggest reason to buy this game? The '70's theme song!!!! *Putting on Afro wig, and tye dye shirt* I'm a baaaaaddddd motherfu.. SHUTCHO MOUF!

ARCADE- STREET FIGHTER 3: EX, PLUS A, SQUARED BY TWO, TO THE FIFTH POWER, Vs. MARVEL SUPERHEROES AND THE X-MEN, HYPER-FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP TURBO EDITION :
I swear to Jesus H. Christ that if C(r)apcom™ makes just one more variation or sequel to this already tired anime lookin pile of shit, i will shoot the first lil bastid that i see in front of the God damned machine! You've been warned!

N64- BATTLETANX:
Big explosives, hot chicks. S'rite your on a futurstic mission to get laid and blow shit up! Build your army by getting your friends laid. All thats missing is heroin & beer. Never has a cannon turret seemed like more of a phallic symbol! Get this shit now!

N64- THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME:
Join everyones favorite ocarina player Yabloo as he.... Huh? Whattya mean NO YABLOO? Link? Ya mean fairy boy in the green dickie? Ya know, I really liked the idea of assuming the role of Yabloo. Why is it that everything that I like in this world turns to shit? *sniffle* Oh well, get this shit anyways, If only to get strangely aroused by ogling Princess Rutos fishy nums!

N64- TUROK 2: SEEDS OF EVIL:
The feisty injun is back, and this time he's armed with a Cerebral Bore™. Giggle like school girl as ya get to send a flying sphere of doom ala Phantasm™ straight toward your foes skulls! Whattya mean EWWWW? You f#@kin' Mary!

N64- STAR WARS: ROGUE SQUADRON:
Never has it been more fun to shove your blaster up The Empires ass!

N64- SOUTH PARK:
Never before has a game relied so heavily on a license to put it over the top. Holy shit this game sucks.

N64- WCW/NWO REVENGE:
Ya know its a pretty friggin sad thing when WCW can make a videogame with more action, blood & violence than its actual product. Buy this game & avoid the TV show & PPV's! Roddy Piper looks like an old man in his fruit of the looms for godsake! Jesus im sick!

N64- CASTLEVANIA:
Dime Store Jesus' personal favorite! If only because HE gets to nail someone with a crucifix for a change! YAY!

PSX/N64- WWF WARZONE:
If you have the PSX version and manage to stay awake through the loading time, god bless ya! However, those of you that either have the N64 version or wait out the seven year load are in for a treat! Imagine if you will the joy of making Tupac & Biggie using the create a wrestler option & then throwing them into a cage, or maybe an O.G. Harlem style weapons match! NIGGAS BE DISSIN' YO! Joy!

N64- BODY HARVEST:
Big Guns! Big Bugs! BIG VIOLENCE! Buy this now tithead! Whattaya still doin' reading this? Dontcha listen? GO!

PSX/N64- VIGILANTE 8:
While I have no friggin' clue what happened to the first seven installments of this game, I dont really give a f#@k either. This game is the shit! Taking place during the 70's(!) you take control of such zany characters as a super fly Pimp (gettin down wif his bad self), an acid head hippy, a school bus driving retard, and a dirty limey cocksmoker straight outta Mad Max! The arsenal of weapons however is even more hillarious than the characters themsleves! Choose from such mayhem inducing weapons as The Disco Ball o' Death! The Bass Thumpin' Pimp Box! The Savage Horde of Killer Bees! ....And my personal favorite... The Renail Christ To His Crucifix In Blackface An.. Oh wait... Ummmm nevermind. *Lightning Crashes*

PSX/N64- RAMPAGE 2: UNIVERSAL TOUR:
Everyones three favorite mutants are back & ready to wreck the shit outta society once again! Take control of either Sheer Terror, Negative Creep, or Finster in this.... What? Ok so we're not really in the game. You wanna make something out of it? *Gouge Slap Bite*

PSX- METAL GEAR SOLID:
$49.99 for two hours of gameplay! F#@k you!

N64- BEETLE ADVENTURE RACING:
Holy shit did I feel like a fag askin' for this one at The Electronics Boutique.

PSX- W.C.W. THUNDER:
How dumb does Eric Bichoff feel that Paul Wight's on the cover of this game, despite the fact that he signed with the WWF? OOPSIE!

P> PSX- KNOCKOUT KINGS:
Forget about beating up your opponent, this game will beat the shit outta your hands- I played it for 2 hours and not only did I not even knock down the first opponent (they block every single punch you throw), I got a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Whoever made this game- see you in hell, motherf...

PSX- DARKSTALKERS 3:
Hey! Same game as Darkstalkers 2! Thanks, C(r)apcom™!!

PSX- AKUJI THE HEARTLESS:
More addictive than .75 cent handjobs, this voodoo-based game will make mom & dad frown uncontrollably at the blood, guts & mayhem that awaits you on every level. Bonus hilarity: You get to laugh at the floating, ghostly heads of your dead ancestors.

PSX/N64- SOUTH PARK:
Yawn... Snowballs... Foul-mouthed construction paper... How... Very... Excitin....**ZZZZZzzzZZZZZzzzz**!!

SEGA DREAMCAST- READY 2 RUMBLE:
Cast of characters: Chick with bouncin' tits, fat guy with flabby manbreasts, superfly w/giant afro and 20's gent with handlebar moustache. Buy this now or i'll beat you down in real life, never mind in the game!

SEGA DREAMCAST- POWER STONE:
Whats this? An Anime game that doesnt make me wanna puke? This truly must be "next gen". Bonus points: The fat guy with the doo-rag turns into Marvel Comics' "The Thing™"

SEGA DREAMCAST- MORTAL KOMBAT GOLD:
Of course we're gonna give this a good review, as it is the series that made us famous for our legendary ass-whippings, so what more do need? Should they ever make this playable on-line, kiss your fat ass g'bye!

PSX- GRAND THEFT AUTO 2:
I only hope Grand Theft Auto 3 is as different from 2, as 2 is from 1. Of course, i'm being sarcastic, as this is the same ol' shit in a brand new jewel case. Merry Christmas.

PSX- UM-JAMMER LAMMY (PARAPPA THE RAPPER PT.2):
I feel sick and dirty playing this cutesy shit- someone please kill me.

SEGA DREAMCAST- KING OF FIGHTERS:
Nothing special, 4000 characters to choose from and they all suck. Who knew?

ARCADE: TEKKEN TAG CHALLENGE:
Now you can make a team of 2 tekken fighters. YAWN!!! Please bury this series now... please??

SEGA DREAMCAST- SOUTH PARK- CHEF'S LUV SHACK:
A vast improvement over chucking snowballs. Wacky trivia and mini-games are always good.

N64 - SUPERMAN:
Quite possibly the lamest game since "Pong". Someone please pass the Kryptonite.

GAMES WE'D LIKE TO SEE, VOL. 1: "HOOD FIGHTER"-
Pick from a police lineup, 6 east coast & 6 west coast rappers, in a fight to the finish. No drive by's here, just 40's, brass nux, & gang signs. Fight your way to the top of the ghetto for a shot at the game's boss- TIM DOG! Game features a revolutionary new "dis" button, which allows you to stop & "snap" on your opponent's mama, which takes energy off his ego bar. Look for the game in a bodega near YOU!